Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

[Keeksbeeks]

I'm a Pakistani muslim, I'm 24 and would love if your actually somewhat same religion/culture as me because It will be better to understand this topic, Soooo I've been married 4 years and I live with my mil, Fil and my husband. I'm slowly losing the will to live. I live in a very strict household where my mil wears the pants in the house and controls all aspects of everything, literally. I'm still a daughter-in-law and an outsider so I can sometimes challenge her on certain issues. However, one thing she thrives in is control!! She loves control and has ridiculous OCD. So here's the issue, my mil and mom do not get along, and my mil hates it when I even mention that I would like to visit my parents. (Yes, I have to ask permission to go and see them) and sometimes even have massive arguments with me when I ask to see them, currently I only have permission to see them once every 2 weeks and even then sometimes I don't get to see them. I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do, my husband has no problem with me going however he's too scared from his mum. I want to cry, what should I do 😭

You need to leave or that toxicity will be aimed at your child next. She will badmouth you to the child and you won't get a look in.

Don't get caught up in trying to win or making her understand. It's a waste of time and energy. Tell your DH he can go and see them as much as he wants but you need to get out. Dont underestimate how vulnerable both you and your child will be after giving birth. It's easier to leave now before the baby comes.

When you say you are scared of what will follow if you leave, what do you mean exactly?

If you have your baby in this house, prepare for that baby to grow up calling her ummi and thinking of her as a mum. She will try control your child, and you will feel like a surrogate.

Think of it.

Make your husband choose... he chooses her. You are better off, single parent than this abuse.

And if the family slag you off.. then so what who cares?

This.

You really do need to move out OP. The situation will get a lot worse when the baby arrives. I can't tell you the anger you feel when someone undermines you with your own child.
I am not from the same culture as you but I married into it. My in-laws whilst do still have some of the culture traits they are thankfully not even close to what your MIL sounds like. I know there is still this awful stigma of being the evil daughter in law. One of my SIL is probably seen as one due to similar circumstances but my In-laws and the family all supported her and helped her get out of an abusive marriage.
Do your parents know what is going on fully? Please don't see yourself as a burden to them. If you were my daughter I would be pleading with you to come home.

Why do you expect everyone else to change? They won’t. It suits them.

Only YOU can change. Leave.

I’m not really sure what you want people to say because they are right- you are being abused and controlled and the only way to stop this is to leave. Your MIL sounds completely unhinged and she’s not going to just wake up one day and change her mind. The only way you are going to get out of this is to leave her house for good. Yes it will be hard and awful and horrible but it’s either a big pain now or a lifetime if this misery. I know which one I would pick.

I know one day inshallah I’ll get through to my mil, she will just have to accept that I am my own person and dictating or controlling me will be her loss

This will never happen.

So sad women put up with this bullshit. Your husband needs to stand.up for himself and you and your relationship.

It's gonna be really crap living with her when you have a baby. She's going to tell you your doing everything wrong and wear you down.

Using culture as an excuse for bad behaviour. No decent Muslims or decent Pakistanis act like this, only uneducated, backward types

Sorry to be so fiery , I'm from the same background as you at it sickens me how women keep having to put up with this shit and train their daughters too as well.

Why isn't your mum helping you?

Personally I'd leave because it might be all manageable now but when you have a kid it will be a nightmare.

What do your friends say?

I think this is more cultural than religious. Either way, LEAVE before the baby comes! It will actually get worse when "her" grandchild arrives.

Options:

• Give the tenants notice to vacate and leave.
• leave and go to your parents
• leave and rent a place

You hold all the cards at the moment OP - pregnant with their son's child, young, got your own work, etc. and you own a house. So if you act NOW, before the child is born, you can have the life you want. This woman is abusive, so you have to leave, but vital to do it now and establish yourself in a new home before the birth. I guess it will feel risky as you do not know if DH will side with you and his child. But is he does not, better to know now than when you are trapped in that house with his abusive parents and a baby you will not be able to call your own. It will be harder to leave then, and there may even be custody issues if you do. So please get yourself out of there now. Your husband needs to choose between you and his mother, but the sooner that is done, the better, as there will be less chance of resentment building up that could affect your future relationship with him. Do find the strength to get away from this abusive woman, with or without your husband's support. When you leave, he will probably come after you. And who cares what other people think? It is your life, not theirs.

@Keeksbeeks
I know this thread is a few weeks old now, but I wanted to add you would be a fool not to move out before the baby comes.

Your MIL will control your birth, your parenting and your baby. If she says you have to formula feed, that's what you like have to do. If she says the baby has to sleep with her and not you, that's what you will have to do. What if she decides you are not a fit mother and you must leave her to comfort and parent the baby and you are just the house-maid? Etc, Etc, Etc.

You sound like a woman with her head screwed on, your husband sounds useless and he won't stand up for you and your baby.

It's not just your future, but the future of your baby you have to think about.

You are not the only woman living with abuse, ultimately the only person to make your situation better is you.
No one else is going to save you.