Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

[Keeksbeeks]

I'm a Pakistani muslim, I'm 24 and would love if your actually somewhat same religion/culture as me because It will be better to understand this topic, Soooo I've been married 4 years and I live with my mil, Fil and my husband. I'm slowly losing the will to live. I live in a very strict household where my mil wears the pants in the house and controls all aspects of everything, literally. I'm still a daughter-in-law and an outsider so I can sometimes challenge her on certain issues. However, one thing she thrives in is control!! She loves control and has ridiculous OCD. So here's the issue, my mil and mom do not get along, and my mil hates it when I even mention that I would like to visit my parents. (Yes, I have to ask permission to go and see them) and sometimes even have massive arguments with me when I ask to see them, currently I only have permission to see them once every 2 weeks and even then sometimes I don't get to see them. I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do, my husband has no problem with me going however he's too scared from his mum. I want to cry, what should I do 😭

I don't have the same cultural background, so just sending support

But it does seem there are various organisations that can help you resolve this in a way that won't create a rift between your husband and his family.

You need to leave before the baby comes.
Either to your parents house or your own house.
And then only move out into your own house separate from your mother in law.
It'll be ten times harder once the baby comes.

What do you mean you have to ask permission (for example to visit your parents?) You are a grown woman, an adult, and you can do what the heck you like. Do not ask anyone's permission, just go and see your parents, or do whatever else you want to do. Frankly what you have written here really annoys me. Do you accept that you live in the UK or not? If so, do you accept that you are a free adult who can make her own choices? Sorry to seem unsympathetic, but behaving like a doormat to this extent makes a mockery of the hard-won equality many have struggled for here. Enjoy your freedoms and don't put up with rubbish like this.

Speak to some DV charities or women's refuge, I know as a non Pakistani Muslim my thoughts wont be the same as yours but you are an adult and deserve to be happy, speak to the above and then give notice to your tenants, you could move back before the baby comes, if your still there when baby arrives, your current misery will feel like it was heaven in comparison to your feelings living with them as a mother yourself.
She's not strictly religious shes abusive and that's not ok even if you live under her roof you deserve respect, kindness and freedom.

I am from the UK, and I know what my rights are, I had no idea this woman would turn out to be like this, a living nightmare, she was sweet as butter but now it's like I cannot stand her. My mil is very religious so her being like this is a joke! Even now as I'm writing this she's gone to visit her own daughter 😒 it's very easier said then done, I've been living like this for 4 years and I don't know what more I can do tbh. I have argued with her on many occasions- so typically I have "permission" to go from 12:30-8pm and once I remember I came back late at 8:15 and she was standing in the kitchen staring at the clock, so I walked in explaining I was late because I needed to pick my dad some medicine because he was ill, and she went bloody ballistic. Saying I didn't come back on time and screaming at me so I got very angry saying I don't need her permission to go and see my parents to which she absolutely went crazy!! She has never ever been physically abuse, it's just verbally she attacks and says the most horrible things. Yes, we could move out the next week if we could but I am scared of what will follow with her. My parents would take me back too but I don't want to be a burden on them. My husband is good but I would feel guilty for making him choose between us 2.

I am from the UK, and I know what my rights are, I had no idea this woman would turn out to be like this, a living nightmare, she was sweet as butter but now it's like I cannot stand her. My mil is very religious so her being like this is a joke! Even now as I'm writing this she's gone to visit her own daughter 😒 it's very easier said then done, I've been living like this for 4 years and I don't know what more I can do tbh. I have argued with her on many occasions- so typically I have "permission" to go from 12:30-8pm and once I remember I came back late at 8:15 and she was standing in the kitchen staring at the clock, so I walked in explaining I was late because I needed to pick my dad some medicine because he was ill, and she went bloody ballistic. Saying I didn't come back on time and screaming at me so I got very angry saying I don't need her permission to go and see my parents to which she absolutely went crazy!! She has never ever been physically abuse, it's just verbally she attacks and says the most horrible things. Yes, we could move out the next week if we could but I am scared of what will follow with her. My parents would take me back too but I don't want to be a burden on them. My husband is good but I would feel guilty for making him choose between us 2.

This is England not Pakistan
thats what you think but in her house it is Pakistan if she says it is

she was sweet as butter
of course she was, predators need something to lure the victim in
you're fucked unless you leave

I’m Muslim too and Indian.

Move out. Cause a massive argument and make your husband choose between her and you.

She will be like this and keep being like this and will get worse.

You’ll be expected to clean her Arsenal when she’s old.

Seriously get the hell out.

Do you have a job or anything? Retain your own financial independence.

The fact it’s one rule for her daughter and another for you is very telling. Do not bring a tiny baby into this, she will try and take over if it’s a boy and taunt you if you have a girl.

Leave. Seriously leave.

Arse not arsenal!

I am scared of what will follow with her

Leave. Then block her calls. Delete her emails. Refuse to talk to her. There is no reason why you should have to deal with her verbal abuse. Explain to your DH after you've left that you will only meet him on neutral territory to discuss moving to a place of your own. Before you agree to reconcile with him, set down ground rules for when MIL can visit and make it clear that you are going to be out for those visits. She doesn't own you.

Are your parents the same religion? How do they feel about you asking permission to visit them? I really hope you can get out of this quickly and safely

women and girls have lost their lives in these situations, she sounds like the sort of MIL who would happily put out the order for your execution

This is not a religious or a cultural thing as clearly there are different rules and expectations for her daughters. I am sure she won't tolerate her daughter's in laws treating them this way. I am from a similar background and this is unacceptable. I wouldn't advise you to leave and go to your parents as you won't gain anything that way. I would suggest you have a serious conversation with your husband and explain to him how miserable and unfairly you are treated. I get that you don't want to put him in a situation where he has to choose but his mother has already put him in this situation and you don't deserve to suffer this way. There is also no point in arguing with her or engaging with her in any way, it is now time for your husband to step up for his family which is you and your children/soon to be child. Talk to him and outline what you need from him, he needs to either give his mother an ultimatum or move out with you for the sake of your health and your future children's health. If he wants to be with you and his child he will need to make changes. This is something I explained to my husband from day 1, that if there is any conflict or issues between me and his family it is his job to step up, have the conversation with his family and sort it out. My MIL is lovely now and we have a good relationship but that is purely because she knows her son will always stand up for me. That is the role of a husband and that's what you need to explain to your husband. When he married you, he took on the responsibility to keep you happy and to protect you, be that from strangers or his own family and unfortunately he is not doing that.

Your MIL is a typical bully and she is treating you this way because she can get away with it. Once she realises she can't get away with it and she will lose her son if she doesn't treat you better, she will change her ways. Either way, please do not stay in this situation and work with your husband to find a resolution, if that means moving out then so be it. Your MIL drove you both to it, if she treated you better she could have had her son live with her longer. In any case his parents are his responsibility not yours, if he has to visit them every day and look after them then so be it! He will need to do that, not you. Do not worry about what the rest of the family will think! Your peace of mind is worth more than what others think!!

You are a different generation to her and you have to put your stake in the ground. Your husband needs to help with this

I really relate to this comment because I think I’ve found an answer that makes sense in my situation, my husband has stood up for me before and she seriously went mental at him and said “don’t you dare take your wife’s side over your old parents” -and then when I would be at work on shifts she would drive him insane, chatting so much shit about me to try and get us to fight. My husband would just tell me everything anyway so I always knew that she was pathetic. lol he used to try to diffuse the situation helping so much that he would just make the situation 10x more difficult and worse. I am proud of where I am at the moment because now I don’t tolerate any nonsense, I don’t need my husband to stand up for me because I believe I do a better job standing up for myself. I know one day inshallah I’ll get through to my mil, she will just have to accept that I am my own person and dictating or controlling me will be her loss

@AutumnJ0y lol forgot to tag you

You have this whole other life you're responsible for now. This is not fair on her, diffictult for your DH and completely unfair on your unborn child.

When your baby is born will your mum be allowed to visit/ will you be allowed to take your baby out?

Not legal knowledge but a fear I'd have is if you stay and you're all registered at the same address you could leave yourself open in the future to her being able to apply for grandparents access rights via court.

Not that i'm in any way suggesting you'd block her from visiting your child, but this child is yours and your husbands. Not another person to be dominated and manipulated.

TBH I would just move back in with your parents and tell your DH he can visit/stay as much as he wants but you are not prepared to be dictated to how often you see your own parents.

Not conventional but it's not divorce!!

TBH I would just move back in with your parents and tell your DH he can visit/stay as much as he wants but you are not prepared to be dictated to how often you see your own parents.

Not conventional but it's not divorce!!

I'm afghan. Firstly this is not Islam, it's culture, Islamic ally you are entitled to your own living space.

If you have your baby in this house, prepare for that baby to grow up calling her ummi and thinking of her as a mum. She will try control your child, and you will feel like a surrogate.

Think of it.

Make your husband choose... he chooses her. You are better off, single parent than this abuse.

And if the family slag you off.. then so what who cares?

I've been there( done that.

I'm so much happier being the evil daughter in law than the abused depressed one

it might be more normalised in pakistani culture, but that doesnt mean its not abuse or that you have to put up with it.
You dont owe any of them anything.

yes, if this child is a boy you can probably say goodbye to a good relationship with your own son

When I say leave I mean get your husband to move out into your own place.

Don’t have a baby in that house she has all the control.