Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

[Keeksbeeks]

I'm a Pakistani muslim, I'm 24 and would love if your actually somewhat same religion/culture as me because It will be better to understand this topic, Soooo I've been married 4 years and I live with my mil, Fil and my husband. I'm slowly losing the will to live. I live in a very strict household where my mil wears the pants in the house and controls all aspects of everything, literally. I'm still a daughter-in-law and an outsider so I can sometimes challenge her on certain issues. However, one thing she thrives in is control!! She loves control and has ridiculous OCD. So here's the issue, my mil and mom do not get along, and my mil hates it when I even mention that I would like to visit my parents. (Yes, I have to ask permission to go and see them) and sometimes even have massive arguments with me when I ask to see them, currently I only have permission to see them once every 2 weeks and even then sometimes I don't get to see them. I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do, my husband has no problem with me going however he's too scared from his mum. I want to cry, what should I do 😭

Are you supposed to live there for the rest of their lives? This is 2020. If she wants to live in the past so but it. Leave. Your husband will come after you.

I’m not familiar with your culture so I’m sorry if I’m not helpful or understanding but why are you renting out your home and living with your pils?
You are so young, it’s not fair for you to live like this and the stress is especially bad for you considering your pregnant?
Will you be living with her after the baby arrives?
You may risk losing all say over your own child.
We don’t know the background story very well but is there no way for you to give your tenants notice and move into your home or for you to live with your parents?
If you are in the UK you do not need permission to leave their house, you are free to do as you please though I understand how this is more complicated than that.
You need a plan, you can’t live your life and bring a baby into such an unhappy living environment.

I think there's no point in people who are not from the OP's culture commenting, unless they have a very close and deep understanding of the consequences if she just "ran away", or "told" her DH they were moving. It could be very dangerous, or at least, have severe long term consequences.

OP I know there are several DV charities which support women from your culture, you could ring and talk this through with them? OK your situation might not be as extreme as some of what they will deal with but they will be happy to advise.

Here's an Islamic one, recommended by Women's Aid:

www.nour-dv.org.uk

Their web page talks about abuse from a partner, but I imagine they'd be able to help or pass you onto another specialist charity if not.

Ok.
I'm from a pakistani background and muslim
First of all the way you are treated isn't right.
She should be letting you go to your mum's house as much as you want.
In our culture the sons are usually the ones who have to look after family. So maybe that's why you are living with your parents in law.
Unfortunately I think the only way you are going to stay sane is to move out.
Your husband should be sticking up for you, and if he isn't able to do that then you need to look at the situation and see what you can do.
If there are tenants in your house the only other option would be to move in with your parents. It isn't going to get any easier if you have a baby, instead I think the control will escalate and likely your mood will dip.
If your husband doesnt back you up then you will have to make the decision if you want to carry on as you are for the rest of your life or separate. But in the short term you need to move out, maybe to your parents until you can sort out alternative living arrangements with your husband.

You can't live like this, it's abusive.

My in laws are very similar. Similar culture too. But we don't live by their rules, we make our own decisions and live with the consequences. My brother in law and sister in law do follow their rules including living with them, and they are absolutely miserable.

You need to leave and not come back - will your parents take you in? Or a friend maybe? If not go to a women’s refuge.

"Guys it's a bit more difficult then that, we have our own home already, currently it has tenants in it, I'm pregnant too 19 weeks nearly and my husband is the only son. So even if we really wanted to get out, there's this constant blackmail of "oh you left us" it's so hard to explain."

I do think that it is difficult to explain. It is emotional and abusive manipulative behaviour disguised as "culture". As others have said we are in England in 2020 not pakistan in 1930. It will not change. She will not change. The only change that will happen is the one you make when you leave. I don't think anyone can offer you any more advice than this because there is obviously not going to be reasoning or discussion to change her behaviour as it is obviously totally enmeshed in her society as acceptable behaviour. I imagine it will only get worse when your child arrives.

This will get ten times worse and your life ten times harder when the baby arrives. Do you work/have your own income? Would your parents have you back if it got to much. How do they stop you seeing your won parents? That is abusive controlling behaviour.

I was going to say get out before you get pregnant and then I read you're already pregnant. I understand that your faith is important but this woman is going to control your life until she unable to do so anymore. If you want things to change then you need to put your foot down now before she takes more control from you.

@Cosmos45 'I do think that it is difficult to explain. It is emotional and abusive manipulative behaviour disguised as "culture".' Absolutely agree with this. I think it's disgusting that people still get away with it.

I am not Pakistani, but I am a Turkish Muslim with a mother in law who behaved very similarlarly to yours. In her ideal world, I would live under her roof (which we did for a while), cook and clean for her, have no friends, forget my family and sit at her knee worshipping every word that came out of her mouth.

She would eavesdrop on my conversations with my husband and then insert herself into them. Likewise with our arguments, always taking her son's side. She would walk in on me while I was in the shower and get angry at me for being upset at the invasion of my privacy, stating that she could go wherever she wanted in her house, and that it's not like she didn't have what I have (physically).

I gave my husband an ultimatum and we moved. I never interfered with their relationship, and didn't care if he checked on them daily.

Even then she tried to come over daily, especially after I had my two children. She would constantly undermine me as a mother. I began to grey rock her. After a few years his father had to stop driving, and as we moved out a little farther and she didn't drive I only saw her for special events if we went there to visit, or we fetched her.

My husband was disappointed for a long time. It is only after years of discussion that he has finally come to accept that my relationship with his mother would not be what he hoped, and that he needs to accept things as they are.

It can be done, OP. Be strong and unwavering. I wish you the best of luck.

@JulyBreeze we do understand. Our differing cultures now live alongisde one another so we have more understanding than we once did. I'd prefer to face the consequences than live a miserable, controlled life.

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

Have Muslim friend so kind of understand the family dynamics. I don’t think it’s that uncommon in the Muslim community. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok. When can you get remnants out of your house? Can your hubby talk to his mum? Surely better for her grandchild if you’re not stressed during pregnancy? Love and hugs to you

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

She's a bully. bullies are often surprisingly weak when you challenge them. Don't ask her permission to visit your parents, just do it, and be rude to her if you need to, then do it again. Once you force yourself to stand up to her and be blunt with her, it will feel surpringly satisfying/liberating

karmanirvana.org.uk/

Please check out this website and please give this service a call. They will support you.

Give your tenants notice and move back to your own home.

Set ground rules about when your MIL can and can't visit your home.

You need the space, especially with a baby coming. And for your own well-being and that of your child.

If you husband doesn't agree, leave him, and go back to your parents.

This is not complicated. It's actually quite simple. It's about living your life, the way you want to, not under the control of someone else.

(Did you know this is how you would be living when you got married?)

Apologies for the repeated posts OP!

It really isn't acceptable to pass it off as a cultural thing. It used to be the culture in many parts of the UK that husbands would drink 10 pints on a Friday night then come home and abuse their wives. That's not ok, and what is happening to you is not ok. I have first hand experience of the police moving a woman in similar circumstances to safety after the woman was severely assaulted by the mother in law for breaking one of her rules. Please don't let that be you

I recognize that you face cultural pressures which many of us don't really understand, but, aside from the intolerable living situation you are in at the moment, this woman is going to wreak your first time with your baby if you stay.

1. She will take over the baby and undermine your parenting, rather than giving you space to grow into being a mother.
2. It's going to be difficult for you to make certain parenting choices, such as breastfeeding, in a house where you have zero privacy and respect. Recovering from birth will be a nightmare. What if you've been up all night and need a day in bed with baby? Will she let you have that or make you get up?
3. She will likely keep you and the baby from your own mother at a time when you really need her support.

Is it possible for you to pack a bag and go to your parents? Then tell your husband you can't live with his mother anymore and you're not coming back till something's sorted.

What would happen if you just went to your parents without asking?

What would happen if you just went to your parents without asking?

My Asian MIL was exactly like this and most of the DILs just put up with it, despite being totally miserable. You husband needs to support you all to leave at the earliest opportunity, and the birth of your baby gives him the perfect excuse.
It will not get any better and she will not be happy, but you have to decide whose happiness to prioritise: yours or hers