Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

The Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

991 replies

yolofish · 09/01/2020 11:50

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

For newbies: why cockroach? My DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. My ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
thesandwich · 25/05/2020 20:47

lilac I’m sorry you are going! Reinvent and come back! I know you offer some v wise advice here. 🌺🌺

notaflyingmonkey · 25/05/2020 22:34

Stay Lilac. This is a safe place.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/05/2020 10:31

I'm sorry to hear that, Lilac. I hope you find some way to stay.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/05/2020 10:32

My Dad tested positive for Covid. Tested Friday, results yesterday. No symptoms apart from fatigue.

thesandwich · 26/05/2020 12:30

dint I’m really sorry to hear that- I know you have been worried.
Everything crossed for him. He sounds like a fighter.
🌺🌺
cockroach to everyone.

notaflyingmonkey · 26/05/2020 17:27

What does that mean for him Dint?

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/05/2020 22:11

Who can tell? he's at the high end of the 90s, so the probability of death is high, but I think still less than 50%, in other words what I have to remember is he has more chance of surviving than of dying. He's unlikely to be considered for ICU, as the reasoning will be that at that age and with comorbidities he won't survive, so we just have to hope he doesn't get that ill. For the time being he will stay in the nursing home, and I suppose we're very lucky he's in a nursing home not a care home.

He's confined to his room. Apparently coping well mentally and not too spooked out by everyone being in full PPE, visors etc. They're trying to work out how to persuade him to drink more - he's resisting drinking because he doesn't want to have to wee. He probably doesn't know his test result, and although knowing it might persuade him to drink, it might also worry him. So hard to know what to do.

He's 5 days in from the test, so probably the next week is critical in knowing just how badly he's likely to be affected.

DS1 is delivering some stuff to us on Thursday, so I shall tell him then, and prime his best friend because I'm very conscious that DS1 is living on his own. DS2 is closer to his grandfather but he has a partner.

Difficult to know what to do about telling people. Obvious thought is "if he hasn't got symptoms, then don't worry anyone". But on the other hand, if he doesn't develop symptoms and I have to tell people, it just gets too difficult to remember not to tell them when the test was and reveal that I've not told them things. Besides, it might spur them into writing letters, and he'd appreciate that.

Meanwhile, we had the chance to subscribe and get his name on a memorial that is important to him, and when I explained the circumstance, they queue-jumped us and emailed the certificate, so that's something nice we've been able to do for him.

Sorry about that brain dump! Apart from DH I haven't yet got anyone in real life to talk to (not talking to friends until I've told family).

thesandwich · 26/05/2020 22:29

Thinking of you and your dfdint. Everything crossed. At least he is in familiar surroundings with people he knows.
The memorial thing sounds lovely- as far as telling people to prompt them to write, could you just say he is struggling with lockdown?
🌺🌺🌺

Rinsefirst · 26/05/2020 22:51

Dint I know of a 94, 93 , 87 and 86 who have all recovered after 14 days. Their only symptoms have been lethargy. Stay positive.

User73688823 · 26/05/2020 23:35

Fingers crossed ~Dint~.
Nobody seems to know yet why some people get really unwell and some not at all. Genes or environment (?? Exposure to something else earlier which somehow provides protection ???).

notaflyingmonkey · 27/05/2020 07:55

Fingers crossed Dint. It feels like there is so little that we know about this bloody virus.

I spent an hour reading up on it last night as I was feeling unwell (I think it was a combination of the high pollen added to my already high stress levels), and felt no further on in my understanding than when I started.

It scares me how fucking reckless so many people in this country are being about it though.

maddywest · 27/05/2020 08:49

Thinking of you and your dad Dint. I know it's anecdata, but my Mum contracted Covid in her care home and spent 3 weeks in hospital on oxygen, but is now out and seems to be recovering, slowly. She's 88 with some existing respiratory issues. It's still shit though, they're confined to their rooms because there are other cases of covid in the home, so she's losing her mobility and her mind at the same time. it's all so grim Sad

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/05/2020 08:51

User73688823 There was something in the papers yesterday about one of the genes that predisposes to dementia possibly also predisposing to severe Covid. My dad is in his 98th year, with paranoid fantasies, but everyone agrees he does not have dementia and still has capacity for most decisions. So maybe the converse will work?

I remember DS2 saying about him, about 15 years ago "In the last 5 years he's had two heart attacks, pneumonia and has written off two cars - he's indestructible".

sandwich Good idea, I'll think about it. I don't like lying to relatives though. I suppose it's not lying, it's simply not broadcasting his medical details to all and sundry.

Knotaknitter · 27/05/2020 09:33

Dint I'm thinking of you and hoping that everything works out well. I was thinking what I'd do in your situation, who would I tell? I really don't know. I think I'd go with the easy option and keep my mouth shut simply so that I didn't have the added work of managing everyone else's feelings, the phone calls for updates, everyone else's "what ifs". You have enough to worry about without adding to it. If there was anything they could do then that would be a reason to tell them.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/05/2020 09:46

Thanks, everyone, for you good wishes

countrygirl99 · 28/05/2020 05:25

Fingers crossed for your dad Dint
FIL had another panic yesterday. He had a hemorrhage in his eye losing the sight in that eye at Easter. Nearly 2 weeks ago he told DH he was getting pains in the eye, DH encouraged him to speak to his GP or optician but he didn't, despite saying he would and said the pain had gone, but it hadn't. Early yesterday morning he was on the phone in tears as he couldn't sleep, convinced brain cancer was the only possible explanation, then MIL would have to go into a care home and would inevitably die of Covid within days. SIL went to sit with MIL and he went to A&E. It's uveitis. It's a good job he already can't see out of that eye because failing to get treatment could have badly damaged his sight. Naturally he didn't bother to call when he got home as the problem was solved so no need and wasn't answering the phone as he was fussing around MIL so it was mid afternoon when SIL got back home and phoned before we knew the result.

thesandwich · 28/05/2020 16:48

Sorry to hear that country that’s tough.
dint everything crossed.

countrygirl99 · 29/05/2020 16:12

This will be the continuing pattern for the rest of his life. He will avoid going to the doctor because he leaps to the conclusion that whatever he has is terrible and he doesn't want to confront it, when it's something simple if treated early. Last 2 times it was a urine infection.

Rinsefirst · 31/05/2020 15:55

dint How is you DF doing? How many days is that now? Every time your mobile rings it must be difficult.

notaflyingmonkey · 31/05/2020 18:06

Saw DM earlier, and had the obligatory conversation about why I haven't taken her to the hairdressers. They're shut. They can't all be shut? They are all shut. What still? Yes. When will they reopen? Don't know. Well I need a hair cut. Don't we all.

For the last couple of weeks I have been going to a garden centre on the way home from mum's, and have managed to get some nice bits for my hanging baskets - sadly it feels like the highspot of my week.

When I got home I managed to knock a glass bottle of tonic water flying, and realise that at some point today I have ripped a hole in my favourite summer shorts. Class act me.

Hope you are all doing well out there, and that your DF is doing ok Dint.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 31/05/2020 21:47

Can I have a lighthearted rant please! My husband has recently repaired my long neglected clothes line so I have stopped using my tumble dryer for the time being.

I have just taken four loads of washing back to my mum and said just mentioned "Four loads of washing all freshly line dried!"

She glared at me and said "Oh dear! I'm going to have to air it!"

Is it wrong that I snapped and said "Mother! I am nearly 60 years old! I think I am able to decide if a load of washing is dry or not!"

thesandwich · 31/05/2020 22:09

Good to see you nota and hairbrush
Understand completely about the garden centre joy and frustration with the elderlies comments.... how are things generally hairbrush ?
dint how is your df doing? Hope he’s ok. Very worrying times.
Dm keeps hinting for me to cut her hair.... no way......

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/06/2020 08:38

Rinse I'm trying not to ring every day - they've promised to let me know if he develops symptoms. As far as I know, (as of Friday) he's still without symptoms. I'll ring later today and ask them to get him to ring me (he has lost the ability to respond to me ringing him, whether he doesn't hear it, or can't remember what to do, I don't know). Anyway, assuming he's still OK, it's day 11 from test.

"hairbrush" Dad was the same about airing - in his case, even after tumble drying. I'd return his washing neatly folded, with a label "clean washing 5th February 2019". He'd then strew it around the house over furniture and completely forget which items were clean, which were dirty and waiting for me to take them, and which he'd put aside for me to mend.

Rinsefirst · 01/06/2020 14:59

Dint both my friend and a work colleague have parents in same home recovering from testing positive nearly four weeks ago. In the last year the 87yo has survived cancer, has been paralysed by a stroke and now no longer speaks. Covid hasn’t adversely affected him. My friend’s DM, 86,is a little bit more mobile but has advancing dementia. She’s fine, too. My DM is in a different place which appears to have Covid back. Hoping it is the same strain if has returned.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/06/2020 08:49

Thanks, Rinse, that's good to know.