The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

nora thinking of you.

any news nora? thinking of you x

They released him from hosp on Friday. The ambulance crew were shocked when they saw he was released to be looked after by mum.

Yesterday mum said "I think I can't cope any more, he sleeps all day, he doesn't eat, I can't leave him to go shopping- I think he needs to be in nursing care- I don't want to stay here alone". She said she would see how the weekend went and then if she still felt the same we would call the Grimms and tell them she can't cope and wants to move to resi herself.

I'm taking it day by day and looking for resi with bed spaces.

How stressful for you and your DM Nora. Let's hope the BG step up at this point and realise their DF needs to go to a place with appropriate levels of care for him.

nora sending you hugs and 🌺🌺☕️☕️🍷🍷.hope you can get your dm moved.
nota how is your ds doing? Hope he’s settling in.

nora fingers xd you can get a place for your mum asap, and then the BG can look after their own father. You must be so bloody stressed xx

Just coming on for completely non-oldie related thoughts if you dont mind!

DD1 is on her placement uni year. Working at a pr consultancy in London, being paid £18k pro rata. Hours officially 9.30-6, finish at 5 on Friday. She never finishes at 6, and last Friday was 6 when it should have been 5. Today she was not allowed to leave the office til gone 9pm - she's still not home (1 hour 40 mins commute each way).

I think they are seriously taking the piss, pr is my industry and back in the day, you didnt keep the little trainees on until virtually the middle of the night, that was reserved for those on decent money... am I being unreasonable?

Yolo, I was in similar about 15-20 years ago and I would say yes, they did that then. I wasn't cut out for it and fell ill. I think especially in early 20s, it's survival of the fittest. Obviously a high exit rate....some companies, in every industry, are very "churn and burn" because there's such an oversupply of keen people.

I don't know if different rules apply on uni placements though? Does the uni attach terms to the placement?

yolo sounds rubbish for your dd. Is the placement overseen by the uni? Could she contact then for advice? She is still paying some fees this year which should give support for things like this.

I think they are seriously taking the piss, pr is my industry and back in the day, you didnt keep the little trainees on until virtually the middle of the night, that was reserved for those on decent money. I think the world of work has changed enormously in the last 15 years, and taking the piss is the norm. But agree with sandwich that she should seek advice from the uni.

The commute sounds a bit awful. Other than that, I'd have said she could grit her teeth and put up with it - after all she isn't running a household and family at her age. But 1hr 40 on, presumably, public transport for a single young woman - is she safe travelling that late at night? They have a duty of care to their employees.

£18k is reasonably decent money for a non grad.

on the commute - we all used to moan about how those of us on low salaries and living in the sticks were the ones staying late, while the higher paid staff took a taxi home to their London pad, with some paperwork.

I did used to get a paid cab home after 11pm but I know they said that only applied within certain areas because people commute so far, they didn't want to pay for someone to be going back to Portsmouth etc. In fact, one friend from Essex was turned down even for applying - I recommended her - but they said they didn't want to employ someone whose cab they wouldn't be funding.

It's the massive oversupply. You can say no but you don't know what the result will be. I think the best bet is for her to ask her uni if that was expected, but the uni might be reluctant to damage links with the company.

I must admit, I thought it was pretty well expected these days. After this post, I asked a friend who has a 22 year old working in media, she said it's all the same. That's a starter job though, so again, not a job placement, but I don't know how those work.

yolo the problem is that mum changes her mind by the hour. This morning the carers reported that mum said she couldn't cope any more after a bad night with her H, I called her at lunchtime and she said she was fine and had slept just fine. I'm stuck with having to wait for another crisis before anything will shift. I've asked the care home I want her to go to, to keep me on their list and to call me when they have a room vacancy.

I'm taking mum to see the psychiatrist on Friday, I'll ask about her capacity to look after a dying H then.

nora that sounds like the best thing you could do, it must be so bloody hard for you.

DD2 says she is ok with the job, so will just let her get on with I suppose... and I am so out of touch having been freelance since she was born, maybe this is just what they have to do now.

How is everyone?
Had a few days away last week and told mum phone /WiFi was poor so no phone calls(😉) which helped top up the Teflon coating... back to it now. Realise the impact it has on me- the constant negativity.
Thinking of you all. Spotted a book titled cockroach yesterday!

My stress levels are through the roof today. I have had to take beta blockers to try to stave off the gnawing anxiety after an awful day (with some good bits) yesterday.
I went up to mums to take her to the psychiatrist, it turns out that the Grimms had also decided to hold a meeting about their father's care without any consultation with me or with mum. When they arrived mum told the wife of one of them that she was not coping and that she needs to go into care. The wife said that was the right thing to do and that the family would take steps to get their dad into nursing care because that is what he needs. Mum felt elated and we went to the psychiatrist with mum saying she felt like a weight had been lifted from her. The psychiatrist was brilliant- mum told a version of what was happening and I retold it correctly and the psych said "great- pack a bag and go now before you lose the vacancy- go today" and kept bringing mum to think about the positives. We left with a new diagnosis of vascular dementia and a sense of lightness that we could get mum moved although mum was admant that she could not go that day.
When we returned to their flat there was a full on meeting going on, the care agency a hospice nurse practitioner the Grimms and one of their wives. None of them stood up to let mum sit down and none asked how the psych visit had gone. They were talking about mum's DH who was semi concious on the sofa. They continued to talk about him and ask questions about him but none of them directed the questions to mum who has been looking after him for so long. As they were discussing a package of care that involved 4 visits by a care team and waking night visits I stopped them and said you need to know about mums plans. I told them about the psych's view that mum should go today and I had already called the care home and today was not possible but tomorrow might be. They agreed that it was the best thing. But mum then asked what would happen to her DH and they said they would make arrangements for him, mum then said "I am not going anywhere if he is not looked after" and we all reassured her that he would be. So I called the care home and arranged for Wednesday next week by which time his family said he would either be in a hospice or in a nursing home. Mum accepted that and the carers left.
Then the Grimms started on me about money again. I said I was not prepared to discuss money at this meeting as I had not come planning to meet with them but they persisted and persisted and in the end I said if you continue then I shall have no choice but to leave. One Grimm said "that's what your family always do, walk out when you dont want to talk" I said I have been clear that this is not the time or place and I am not prepared for this conversation so leave it now but he continued and started to shout at me.
I asked mum to come with me to her sister's place to get away from it but she insisted that she had to stay and I walked out to a shout of "take your mother now- go on take her- we will deal with dad- just take her now, you will be hearing from a solicitor" and I replied that a solicitor would probably be a good idea and tried one more time with mum who said she would follow me in 15 mins.
I ended up calling her to come to her sisters and all the good feelings from earlier had dissapeared and she was in a distressed state and totally confused about what was happening. We calmed her down and got her back into the good place and eventually took her back to her flat and told the Grimms that I would be back on weds to pick her up.

Today she has just called saying "I cant come, I cannot leave him- he is in tears, who is going to look after him?" We were back to square one. I had to remind her of her praying to thank god that she was moving to be with me yesterday and of the fact that he needs nursing care and yes he will cry- it is frightening and sad but it has to happen. I put the phone down eventually having reassured her that he would not be left alone and that he would either be in home or a hospice and she needs to make her move so that he can make his. She accepted this.

But I am just not sure that the Grimms will make sure there is someone there on Weds when I go to pick him up. I am sick with anxiety and alone with all this. So called partner is in Wales with his family and has not answered a text since thursday, friends are all busy and I am beside myself not knowing what to do to get rid of the anxiety. The swimming pool is shut and I cannot start drinking wine because its a slippery slope though I am severely tempted. I know I will have to have this conversation daily with mum until wednesday and she still may refuse to come back with me and he might be there alone. I have texted the Grimms and said I am moving her on weds and once she is in and settled I will have the capacity to consider their money issues but not until then- and that they need to make sure their dad is not still there or alone on wednesday otherwise mum will not come.
How do I get through these next few days? I feel sick, I feel alone and I feel desperate. Sorry for the long rant- I needed to tell someone.

I've read nora, I hear you. Try and take some deep breaths and keep calm (easier said than done). Will be back later to try and think of some ways to help xxx

Thanks yolo just knowing you care helps. I walked up to the shops- didn't buy anything and texted an old flame. He suggested we have a drink later- so I've some respite from my own four walls and racing thoughts.

FFS Nora that is so bloody hard. The Grimms are fucking horrors. Your poor mum, poor you. What can you find to do with yourself for the rest of the day - is shagging the ex on the cards?

nora here too..... so sorry you are dealing with this. Getting outside, walking is a great idea- do you use the headspace or calm app? Free trials available on both, they do help.
Can you contact the care agency to confirm someone will be there?
And say to your mum it’s only until she’s better?
Was social worker any use? Age uk or carers association may offer support for you.
Any tv nonsense you can lose yourself in? But walking, wherever, is good.
Gardening? Sounds trite but really interesting programme on gardeners world on Friday about gardening and health.
Thinking of you and sending hugs. Keep posting

Cross post with nota her suggestions sound more fun!!

Just had a call from the carers he's being taken into hospital (2nd time this week) this time I'm pretty sure that they cannot release him home which takes the decision out of mums domain.

The ambulance crew reported to social services this week that home was not safe so I'm crossing everything that he will only be released to a nursing home. My plan is to move mum on Wednesday, but I'll see if I can bring it forward now.

It's nearly wine o'clock and friend (wb) is coming round at 5 to let me pour it all out and eat with me, he's skint, I've got food and wine, he's got ears.

Thanks you lot, I'm all teary with this thread and the support but the beta blockers won't let me actually cry! (No bad thing).

Everything crossed for you nora . 🍷🍷

Sounds like things are resolving themselves Nora. Hope you are ok and manage to... errr… unclench tonight...