The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

thigh you'll just have to make sure those Teflon shoulders are in good condition then!

please can you lovely people do a no-snow dance

we're supposed to scatter dad's ashes on Wednesday, can't take mum out in the snow anyway as it's not safe, but also he'd be well pissed off as he hated snow as much as I do.

snow and oldies are always a scary combo. I had so hoped for no snow this winter, makes things even harder for mum.

Ooh, I always hope for snow. It's what gets me through the winter without SAD. Can you get all your snow sent here instead, please?

I have dropped swim/gym to twice a week already but it is also one of the few me things I have left and quite relaxing as also go in spa tub. steam rooms and sauna
DB works away more and is more confident on physio than the other stuff
DM doesn’t get it due to dementia
DD does 1-2 sessions a week DS does 1 which leaves me 4-5
The trouble is we all have full on jobs which often mean late finish, long commute, working away or anti social hours
I could do less but the impact on DF is noticeable
Once we’ve had the financial assessment and know how much we will be paying for nursing home will consider extra paid for help
Have a meeting this week with community rehab team so will hopefully find out where he is on their waiting list

Can any SW out there offer any advice
DF was jointly assessed for CHC by a nurse and a sw from hospital discharge team - the only other thing the SW did was email me a list of nursing homes
I feel like I’ve been left high and dry
Should DF not be assessed by SW under the care act? Which would include carers assessment for DM or me
I also think he should be on a DOL as restrained in wheelchair and bed and home itself due to his cognitive inability to recognise risk etc
He gets quite agitated and tries to undo straps and climb out of bed which has raised sides
He cannot stand so would fall anyway but the nursing home don’t seem to think it constitutes a Dol and I don’t want to upset them so would prefer it if SW mentioned it to them

Dint yes, please, have ALL our snow

seriously though...I am partly being selfish....I will find it hard to deal with mum's upset if we have to rearrange. I never wanted to do it in Jan because of this exact risk, I'd have waited, but I guess she needs the next step.

Jace I'm impressed with your energy levels. When you say you notice the impact on DF if you do less, how do you mean? I think it can be easy to imagine an impact when you are so stressed about someone you love I know I did it with dad in the hospital, one time there was this really noisy git in the bed opposite, I was looking for someone to complain to.....and it turned out it wasn't bugging dad at all!

If I’m not around for a few days DF swallowing deteriorates as does his speech
He can’t reach as high or do as much for himself
When he was in hospital over Xmas for 5-6 days it set him back 6+ weeks and has taken 3 weeks of intense work to get back to how he was on Xmas day

Jace I see. I hope he can get more help with those things.

I feel so sad and guilty that I don't go and visit DF in hospice more than once a week! And my stepmother and half sisters are ignoring me completely because they obviously feel I'm not doing enough. It's an hour by car so two hours journey, much longer in heavy traffic, which is usually the case. I don't care that much about what "they" think but I care desperately that Dad is lonely and sad. He isn't able to remember much short term, even in the course of conversation but I'm sure the loneliness and sadness endure. He's in pain, in spite of pain meds, and feels he's a burden to us all. I always reassure him that he's not a burden, that he could never be a burden to me and that I love him dearly. DD and I are going to visit him tomorrow.

Just a happy and encouraging interruption from me!
Dm has been in hospital and a carehome. She was delirious for most of the 12 weeks - paranoid, hallucinating, deluded, etc.
Brought her home last Tuesday with heavy hearts and big dollops of pessimism, with a permanent place in a care home standing by.

However, six days later , she is now down to 2x30min care per day (from 3 x 1h): she's preparing her own meals, sleeping through the night, talking sense, thinking of going out...

I know she's living on a knife edge and so much more frail than she was, but it's good to see her in the real world again especially as we expected the worst.

So those of you with parents with hospital delirium: there is hope when they get discharged!

timber for you.

gutrot what good news! That's a rapid improvement. She can prep her own meals, that's grand.

thigh I'm sure you're still lovely. You can be honest saying that about your dad, you don't have to sugar coat it for others.

@gutrotweins that's really good news. My mum's delirium is also better, though she's still cooking dinner for four despite living alone. I asked her who she was cooking for. It's for the others in the lounge, one of them being my brother when he was a child. How sad is that? She said she thinks it's because her mind is retreating to a time in her life when she was happy. Gave her an extra big squeeze and a kiss when I left.

Hello lovely people, I can't keep pace with this thread, but I thought you might enjoy the news that my mother (now diagnosed with both alzheimers and vascular dementia, and some stroke action of uncertain date) started chowing down on a vase of tulips my niece brought at the weekend.

There's appreciation!

gutrot that is bloody brilliant! may she continue well and happy.
mrsbert funny but sad.

In other news: got an offer on mum's house today for full asking price. which is £25k above what estate agent suggested, and still a long way to go, but good news after only 4 viewings. DD1 has the most rancid ear infection ever, pushing for referral to ENT (as has been almost constant since Oct) but now got to wait for bloods. DH has vital MRI booked for this Weds, chemo planning mtg on Fri. Depending on MRI results chemoradio starts Feb 11, please god. Oh and I booked my smear test for next week and just got clear mammogram!! Ladies: do not neglect your mammos and smears please, no matter what else is going on. cockroach all round.

Three cheers for all of that apart from the rancid daughterly ear, Yolo! I can’t keep up with this thread either, but I did see the sadly funny side of the nibbled tulips.

Am I right to be fuming? For weeks now, my far from sainted mother has been complaining that she has a cough/chest infection that won’t shift and I’ve been encouraging her to go to the GP. I’ve just discovered that the GP in fact gave her antibiotics but she hadn’t taken them. You really can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, can you?

And with that, cockroach one and all!

Are we fast moving? Maybe we have turned into the Big Boys on AIBU? Shhhh...keep quiet on our niche thread.

Sssshhhhh ... I think the new year has brought new members - which is wonderful, although sad that so many need it - but arthritic oldies like me are struggling to keep up! Do we need a secret cockroach handshake?

I'm thinking bejewelled cockroach brooches??

Here you are ladies, you have earned it. Perhaps two for extra hard work 😁.

Oooh danish excellent!!!
Great news gut makes the effort to get her home worthwhile.
yolo great to hear about the house- hope dd can get sorted and the mri and meeting goes as planned.
Tulips..... wow...
Hope the wind, weather and wuthering isn’t affecting too many of us.

Nice bug!

Not really fast moving, but it's not a thread where I want to skim read, so it's easy to fall behind.

Yolo very pleased to hear about the house. No mean feat in this stinker of a market. And well done with your smear. I have to go hold my friend 's hand for a cervical biopsy next week. Fuck I hope she's clear.

Bert lol at the tulips. When Dad was in hospital he bit the finger oxygen monitor thing and said "this cake is shit".