The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Oh yolo is c#£&. Excuse the pun. 🍷🍷🍷from me.

we are making a lot of shit jokes!! thankyou for the sandwich much appreciated (currently on glass 957, must go to bed soon...)

Dint paws crossed for your cat, pets are so important aren't they? Much more than they would ever guess. Nothing more absorbent than fur for weeping into.

Yolo your poor DH, as you may remember i have a PhD that i don't want in bums. Paws crossed for him too.

Thanks everyone for the hugs. Re cat - I dreamed about a week ago that we were looking for a pair of kittens because we had no cats in the house - don't know whether subconsciously I knew the cat was seriously ill. Can't share that with DH because it suggests that he (cat) won't survive.

Knock on effects with Dad - he needs a cleaner, but I can't add anyone else to the mix at the moment. So looks like I'll have to take that on. I'm just hoping he gets used to carers coming in and thus stops imagining extra ones. He's complaining at having 6 people coming in. Suppose for our own peace of mind we should fix up a camera pointing at front door so we know there isn't an "extra" person coming in. (This paranoia is infectious!)

yolo sympathy for your Dad. And for you, who is coping with it.

sandwich I'm doing ok and am finally ok with saying that I am ok - if that makes sense? yolo, Iamdanish and lello I seem to have jumped into the same boat as all of you. I'm not falling apart and I really thought that I would. Everything was so quick and intense with mum at the end and we had so many really candid chats that, looking back, we almost grieved together and she has left me with so much strength to move on. The best way I can describe it is that I can close that chapter now because we wrote the end together and I can move forward with writing the next.

yolo I do hope your DH can be made more comfortable not being able to sleep on top of everything else is just unfair!

Dint poorly animals are such a worry paws crossed for your cat- lets hope your DH can get used to a cleaner soon it is a big task for anyone to take on regularly

one your thread made a lot of sense to me and did hit home with how I felt after my Dad died.

thigh I totally understand the dog analogy

Well a week of rollercoasters eith my Mum. GTwo emergency panic calls at the weekend to sort out her exploding heating that was making weird noises - it wasn't making any noises at all. She had phoned the gas board and they understandably told her to turn off the boiler and she had turned off the electricity so all a bit of a muddle.

Then in the week she saw an elderly care mental health nurse and Mum was miraculously better - she does not want me to phone her as my phone calls make her worry about things as I always ask her how she is, she is not anxious and she can cope perfectly well at home. I do not need to take her to her CT scan next week.

So I back off and did not phone her on Thursday but was waken up at 5.30am by a phone call from her saying her heating was exploding and I had to go and sort it out then........

I think the hardest bit of all of this is the lack of control - I know she needs more help and if she does not get it she will call on me 24/7 but I am obviously a woose as I can not deal with this and find it extremely stressful. It is like being on call all the time just waiting.

What it does mean is that I do not go and see her as much as I should I was ill last weekend and this week just have to catch up on work and normal stuff but that will result in panic calls later god knows what time.

Anyway I will try to find a solution that works for all of us - back to the drawing board.

Hang on in there everyone remember to look after you as well as looking after everyone else it's not too early is it?

oneday you've perfectly hit the nail on the head. I know Dad's fading and so does he i think. He's very cuddly and affectionate and tells me what a good daughter I've been and i say what a good Dad he's been. I remind him about us planting their vegetable garden when I was a kid and how he taught me to knit, darn, sew, skip and cook. Also how to punch when someone was bullying me. I remember my school was threatening to cane me for smoking and he rang them and said if they touched me he would sue them individually and separately for assault. He was awesome and we talk about all that. I feel there's nothing unsaid.

I'm sad, but not haunted by what ifs.

Your dad was awesome @Thigh🏆

thigh that is lovely to be able to have those kind of conversations, treasure them. your poor Dad, but as we all say all the time: what point is there in life when you cant do the things you want to do or be what you want to be? xxx

detox I sympathise with the feeling of being always 'on call' and on red alert every time the phone rings. Nearly 3 months after mum's death and it is just starting to wear off a little bit. You are totally not a wuss, being on edge all the time is so bloody tiring. Take some time for you if you possibly can.

It is like the house of plague here today, DH went back to bed this morning, and then straight back to bed after lunch as knackered. DD1 is home from uni with a vicious ear infection, docs for her on Monday and am praying we dont have to do OOH visit tomorrow. She's had on and off ear probs since October, so I am going to go into GP with her on Mon and do the kick ass mummy bit (even though she is 22!!)

On the positive side had a gorgeous walk this am with the lady who brought us our rescue dog and her dog and mine. Was really nice, and am hoping we are going to be friends - all my good friends are spread far and wide so would be really nice to have someone local.

The best way I can describe it is that I can close that chapter now because we wrote the end together and I can move forward with writing the next. I love this oneday, its very powerful. It feels funny not to be prostrated with grief, but I honestly do think I did the best I could for a long time, and I dont think mum would have wanted me to fall apart for her. She would have been pleased with her funeral.

oneday that is lovely. yolo you did everything you could against unendurable odds having followed your story.
So glad about the prospect of a new friend, and the love of your furry friend. Do whatever you can to feed your soul and body.
thigh those conversations sound so special. Would you record your dad talking?
dint that sounds tough but please think about how you could get a cleaner in rather than taking it on- even for a deep clean one off? You are doing enough.
🍷🍷🌺🌺to all cockroach

thigh you've inspired me to try to make space for some father/daughter time. There's been just too much caring/organising going on, and by the time I've battered my head for a couple of hours against the brick wall that is my father's "logic", all I want to do is get away, and avoid going back for at least two days.

Thank you everyone, Dad is awesome, I've been very lucky on the Dad front.

I remembered something else. In a vain attempt to stop me smoking as a teenager he banned me from smoking in the house (back when everyone did).

We lived in a bungalow so naturally i climbed out of my window and went into the dark garage. There was Dad standing in the dark smoking his pipe, he had decided a unilateral rule wasn't fair and banned himself too!

Dint I'm so pleased, your Dad sounds like a clever and inventive man. Personally I think the more normal socialising and as little caring as possible is food for the soul.

It's less aggravating for us and more stimulating for them. They can remember decades ago far easier than what they had for breakfast.

Oneday your couple of lines have encapsulated a lot for some of us.

Not been on here much recently as struggling still to juggle work, life stuff and DF in nursing home following strike DM in their home with dementia
DM rang my brother and accused me of stealing all her money because she had a letter off the bank that she didn’t understand
It was about the lasting power of attorney for DF!
I’ve got a meeting next week with SS for financial assessment re his nursing home fees but because he’s not classed as permanent yet am worried about financial impact on DM as can’t claim pension credit etc for her if he’s still seen as living there!
I’ve found a new part time career as SALT, physio, OT and nutritionist to DF, but whilst very rewarding is adding to my workload
I work long hours in a very stressful job and am now doing 1-2 hours overtime most nights with him
I also try to go to gym or swim a couple of times a week which means I never get home before 9 any evening, so just cook eat wash up and go to bed
I’m running on empty and can’t carry on like this
DM still rings 3-4 times some evenings due to her dementia and I have to visit her a couple of times a week as well
It’s not just the practical stuff it’s the mental load
On a more positive note I’ve given up on cleaning and housework DD is my new cleaner (paid) which is working well and both DC are fab re emotional support

Stroke not strike obviously

Saturday is my only night off I’m over at DPs house having more than a few drinks

Jace that's so much, I'm normally one for working out nearly daily but cut back drastically when dad was ill. Sometimes I felt it was better just to sit still.

Separate relationships. For meals we are usually as a couple, if not a whole family - inc both DSs, DIL, DF. But otherwise DS1 and DH sometimes go to cinema on their own, but DH does DIY with/for DS2, and I do gardening. OK, it's jobs, but let's face it, almost anything is an excuse for socialising. Whether we're normal or not is a whole other question.

Certainly a hug is no reason for eye-rolling.

Jace I'd explode and melt at the same time if i was doing as much as you.

When you have a clear head moment could you sit down and look at your schedule and see what you can jettison? Could you do the extra re your DF every other day for instance or could someone pay someone to do that?

I mean this very kindly but what can be done by others and what things are skills that only you have?

I've decided that the only thing that only I can do is provide my company and chat. I get their cleaner/carer to do as much as she's able to and secretly pay her from their money.

Thinking from the other perspective, when I had both parents (30 years ago now) I would always see them as a couple - and would normally take DH. Same for PILs. But that was because they lived 200 miles away, and I wasn't/we weren't going to pop over there just to see one of them. Whereas our DSs are local.

Sounds like your Mum may be feeling a bit unloved. It may be completely irrational, but that doesn't make the feelings go away. Is there any way you could do something just with her? Even just taking something to show her that your father wouldn't be interested in, and showing her in a different room?