The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Oneday that's very insensitive of people, phone calls can be so tiring to the bereaved. It's so easy to click into coping mode and appear cold. With an ounce of sense people should realise you don't have the luxury of accessing your emotions yet.

Wise wordsdint and I meant grieving of course.😳

Thanks sandwich work have arranged a counsilling session this week for me. thigh you've put that so eloquently I wish I could just give you my phone

Oneday I'm sorry for your loss. I think thigh ** has summed it up recent bereavement beautifully.

Mum has been home a week now. We had the Just Checking WiFi system installed by the council this morning. This is a clever system which will map mums overnight movements over a period of 2 weeks and then they will install sensor mats under her bedsheets and on her armchair which are programmed so that if she fails to return to either the bed or chair after x period of time the alarm company will call through to her via her box to check she hasn't fallen.

She's decided she would like to go to the village friendship club next Tuesday and has asked me to organise some lifts for her via our local timebank scheme so she can go to 2 coffee mornings in February. All good stuff. I'm still working on persuading her that a mobility scooter will open up her world, particularly when her mobility is poor.

Cockroach all

Sorry about my bold fail there 🤷🏼‍♀️

oneday its such early days... but not fair of people to add to your load .

blue that all sounds positive about your mum, especially that she wants to go out and see people.

I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me, I'm over on the parent loss thread, and I'm feeling absolutely none of the pain/anguish others seem to be feeling. Maybe I've done it all already, maybe I'm preoccupied with DH, but all I can think is thank god its over for mum, and selfishly, thank god its over for me too. The practical aspects are timeconsuming, sometimes annoying, but basically I have no great feelings. She's gone, she would have been pleased to have gone. So that's it.

Yolo I completely get that. When I thought I was going to lose mum back end of last year I spent a lot of time thinking about her death. I could never say that in RL and it does sound an awful thing to recall now that she has recovered so well. But I was wrung out and wanted to get off the merry-go-round of her bloody illness and being pulled this way and that by her constant needs. I'd asked SS for help and got nowhere. And I was so full of resentment and rage at being the only child who was local and to whom everybody looked to for updates, availability to respond to issues at short notice etc. (I am feeling much better now as her 11 week stay in hospital/respite was a much needed respite for me as it was for her!)

Mentally, emotionally and physically we can only carry so much load. You carried the load for a long time, and with little sibling support (from what I remember from your posts).

I think if you went to talk it over with a Cruse bereavement counsellor you'd be surprised at how common what you say is. I'm a registrar and I hear it a lot from families when they accept my condolences that it was actually a relief when they finally passed. I have had enough exposure over the past 12 years with recently bereaved families to say that a lot of our elderly are living too long, with no quality or value to their life and the impact and pressure on the family cannot be underestimated.

totally yes to all of the above blue and I am so happy that your mum is doing well at the moment. I dont feel as if I need counselling (not about mum at least!), her death was honestly the best result for HER. And also for me. My brother seems to have taken it very hard, perhaps because his last chance at being the white knight was taken away, who knows?

Anyone else can appreciate the irony of being told the D of E is being a stubborn old man who doesn’t listen?

Yolofish
I totally get you, but imagine the thread
My ddad/dmum just died and I am so relieved
Would not go down well, even though it is because you are worn out, not cold at heart.
But it would be nice with a place to offload and talk about the last months/years.

I'm glad you've said that yolo I just feel... nothing I guess? Sister has had to see a counselor, people keep checking in at Xmas, birthday etc, saying how hard it must be for me. But I'm fine? Feel like there must be something wrong with me sometimes

paroxetine snort!!!

Iamdanish and lello yep, but sometimes nothing is better than something. I dont miss mum at all, perhaps I miss what she was years ago, but after the last 8-10 years - no. All I think now, is if she knew that DH is ill (which she never did) she would be adding to my mental load with lots of 'good ideas' about how I could make him better, and telling me that our children 'should' be doing this or not doing that or that I was somehow a negligent mother by allowing two young adults to get trains/go to gigs/get pissed/ etc etc. She could worry about the smallest thing.

OK and here's the thing I couldnt say anywhere else: I am thinking ahead to what if DH dies and what I am going to do. Obvs, that's not what I want, but if that is what is going to happen I need to have some ideas in my head, mostly of how to survive financially and how to still give our children a place they can call home. I am not one of those who thinks well they are 18, its all over to them now, I will still need to have a place they can come to and I would never ever want not to be able to give them that.

Yolo this world is a strange place and somehow or other it keeps on turning. Death is a kindness at the end of a long, long and unwell old age. The final act of caring for a beloved dog is to spare further pain and zero quality of life.

By the time they are at that stage the happy, waggy dog has been gone a couple of years probably.

I think I'm pre-grieving for Dad now as there's only one way this goes in the end.

thigh yes, when the happy waggy dog is no longer there, what's the point? and when the dog is sad and tired and in pain - we wouldnt prolong things just 'because'. I am afraid you are right, there is probably only one way to go, and I hope to god it is a calm, peaceful and gentle way for all of you xx

Yolo thank you, so do I. We've all decided there'll be no more hospital, what's the point? Dad's like a dog, he loves walks, exercise and weather.

There's nothing worse than seeing a dog with all kinds of wheels and contraptions strapped to it when it's life has been extended beyond all reason.

Sorry! I see lots of similarities between responsible dog ownership and elder care!

Yolo re your daughters, you are home to them. As long as your home and heart is open to them it truly doesn't matter whether it's a big or small place.

We didn't want this particular bit of equality, can't bloody retire till 67, I'm knackered. I'm just going to get in the box with Dad.

Yolo I think it's perfectly possible to do most of the grieving process whilst a person is still alive especial. When my DF died my overwhelming emotion was relief. Not because I'm cold and heartless but because he was tired, frightens, in pain and living was, for him, a burden not a joy.
I miss him terribly but I'm sure I miss my dad and not the person who died if that makes sense.?

Wind that's very accurate isn't it? And sad. The real person would be mortified at the things they latterly do and say, it's very cruel, dementia.

wind my mother would have absolutely hated, and been ashamed, of what she became. She wasnt 'her' any more, she was... I dont know.

Dementia is such a cruel process. I honestly think it is the worst thing of all, because I imagine that even if you are very very ill but in possession of your marbles you can at least think, rather than have demons whirling in your head.

Thought we'd managed Dad's transition from hospital to home+carers OK, but he's now talking about a carer who is coming in in the evening and sitting in the front room doing his paperwork. He's only having one carer a day, in the morning, plus meals on wheels. So I think he's imagining the evening one because fundamentally having a key safe worries him. Realistically there's no way he could manage at home without a carer, and no way he can get to the door in time to let one in.

So basically I understand he's worried, and he's imagining things as a result. What I don't understand is what to do about it. I'm well out of my depth here.

Also - some of you may know we lost two of our cats suddenly over the course of the weekend back in September, something I'm still struggling with. Well, our third cat has suspected breast cancer and we're awaiting the biopsy result. Is this our life now? It's going to be crap from now on?

Dint offering a hug if you want one.

obviously I have no idea about anything...not qualified or experienced in this. but if your dad is talking about it but not visibly stressed, is it possible he's just processing it wrongly and he doesn't mind about it? Dad's 95 year old friend often used to get facts like that wrong and when she had a live in carer, I honestly think she forgot she had a live in carer at moments. But it didn't worry her, or not that we could see.

re life, my experience, since I was a child, was that it never rains but it pours...that has been happening to mum since dad died, so many bits of household stuff has gone wrong at a time when she's least equipped to handle it. I'm just hoping the heating holds up because if that went, it would finish her off I think. Sorry I digress.....so my experience is that life goes through good phases, really good phases and really superlatively shite ones.

sorry if my brain dump was more annoying than anything else.

dint first off so sorry about the cats, that is a real kicker and my 3 send miaows of sympathy. Fingers xd for good results.

Re your dad, would he feel better if the carer simply had a key? or if you told him that you had changed the code so that only you and carer knew it?

Oh dint I am so sorry about your cat. Big hug. No suggestions re your dad- is it just his way of adjusting?
yolo I really understand what you are saying re the future and your And I sense you are a planner- trying to prepare for the future. But as was it thigh said- home is where you are. How is dh?
oneday how are you doing? And a resounding cockroach to all🌺🌺🍷🍷

thanks sandwich he is ok-ish. well, not really. rectal cancer is a shit thing, literally... he doesnt sleep much because is constantly up either trying to go and failing or exploding (sorry TMI). It is very uncomfortable for him and he is doing the bloke thing, I keep suggesting he phone gp and ask for someting to help him sleep (because he is much better during the day when distracted!), think he might do it next week. Had radiography planning appt today, he has 3 v small tattoo-ed dots, one on each hip and one at the top of his arse crack. told him I would join them up and put an arrow over his arse with felt pen (sympathetic, moi). Chemo planning appt next week, and another MRI scan as last one was several months ago. If has grown much they will do a colostomy before starting treatment. Fingers xd it hasnt, because this will have been going on for 4 months before he starts treatment, and that's a long time to know you have cancer. bloody big cockroach to one and all, I have a disgusting cough which I am attempting to anaesthetise with . TFIF...