The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

oneday I am so sorry... but as others have said, you did well to get her home. It's a funny old thing, when you are glad they have gone and their pain is over but you are not quite sure what to do/think/feel next. I still havent worked that one out, apart from the practicalities, which are my forte. xxx

Oneday so sorry and look after yourself

Am I being overprotective if I say something about frail 80 year old mother hoovering?

she has a cleaner but dad used to do the quick clean ups inbetween. Crazy heavy hoover but she wouldn't drag it upstairs, she just wanted to do the kitchen.

grace maybe just get her a vax for the quick tidy ups downstairs? not too heavy, dont need the flex (aka trip hazard), no bag to remove etc.

DF (96) hoovers. With one of these:
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Vacuum_cleaner,_1930s,Museum_of_Richmond(London).jpg
If you're worried about her, could you persuade her to get a lightweight cordless?

she won't hear of getting a lightweight one. She thinks I'm being completely mad and overprotective. I must admit I was hoping you lovely people would agree with her rather than me

I hadn't even thought about the cord as a trip hazard!!

Dint um.....what does that weigh, I wonder?!

Grace It's aluminium, I think, so not horrendous, and with a handle on the top, so well balanced ...actually I'm waffling. I haven't picked it up for at least 40 years, so I haven't a clue!

80 sounds very young to me. DF was climbing ladders painting window frames at that age. We took him caving when he was older than that (proper caving, not a show cave). So it really depends on how frail your mother is. From what you were saying yesterday about her activity levels, she sounds fairly tough. Don't stop her doing anything physical as long as it's not totally suicidal - the longer she keeps her muscle tone, the better. And physical activity seems to be the one thing that may protect against dementia

thanks Dint

her neighbours have said the same to me - one of them is 83 and has the same hoover and no cleaner, so she does do her whole house with it.

I am conscious that mum is working hard to form some independence so I won't get in her way. We're a funny pair at the moment, probably our biggest worry is each other and we both keep telling each other not to worry about each other

I'm not back with her till later in the week because I'm taking an elderly friend of the family to a hospital near me for an op, she will be in overnight one night at least and I will take her to and from home and liaise with doctors etc.

Mum is fine with this and says she will crack on with banking stuff etc and reckons if she has a panic attack, she just has to cope, she is being brave and I wonder if she will be a bit braver without me hanging around.

I visited Dad in hospice again today. At first he was fairly lucid, although he kept apologising for not being able to hear me properly. This made me sad. He's said before that he feels like a burden to us all, meaning that his continued existence is an inconvenience. I replied that nothing could be further from the truth, that each day he's alive I personally consider to be a gift. Anyway, shortly after I arrived, he was given his pain meds. Then he asked for a glass of wine, which my stepmother gave him. He had this dopey, happy look on his face. Conversation of any kind was pretty much impossible by this point. So I left, kissing him gently on the cheek. I felt so depressed and had a cry in the loo before going home. I don't know if it's the moon that's affecting me but I just couldn't cope. The reality of his deterioration, which I've been denying for almost two months, hit me like a slap. I don't know how I'll survive without Dad.

shiveringtimber That must be hard for you

hilbobaggins has your dad actually been planning this move for a while but not talked about it while your mum was still around? So in his head he's taking the pre-planned next step in his life, and it's not a sudden decision at all, but he's not giving any time for a reassessment of how things actually are now he is on his own.

We moved mum into a care home near me 6 months after dad died, she wasn't happy on her own with carers coming in, wasn't really at the care home stage but we decided that moving to a new flat in a new place would have been too much for her, and us. Still don't know if the care home was the right decision, but at least she is safe, and future-proof as her health deteriorates. As someone on here says, it is often a problem with no perfect solution. Doesn't stop the guilt that you haven't done the best thing for your parent though.
I wonder if your dad can be persuaded to 'wait and see' for a couple of months? His health may get worse, or it may get better after the shock of your mum dying wears off.

another vent, sorry.

I'm not at mum's at the moment so not sure why this is happening. She is trying to figure out her finances, as you probably all know from my whining!

today she called two organisations and couldn't get through security. The reason she couldn't get through is that she couldn't provide up to date information about what she has with them.

but that's the reason she was calling them in the first place - to get up to date information! She is now trying to write letters and I'm sure the next thing will be that she gets things from them asking for 2 forms of ID etc etc so it will get sorted eventually, but she is so stressed and panicky.

I am quite surprised because I would have thought a lot of elderly folk would be making calls saying "I'm not sure what I have with you" - but presumably they all have to go through this too?

sorry, I'm asking the impossible but I just don't know how to assuage her panic and I can see this going on for months.

My experience is that if you phone a financial organisation and can't provide their basic id check info (eg the answer to a "special question" or a password that you're never set up) they grill you about money going into and out of the account until they're convinced you know enough about it to be the account holder. So I suspect that's what's happened.

If she can get into a branch, it may be easier. I regularly go in, wave my passport at them, and then they'll go through with me all the accounts I have and their current balances.

Alternative is to ask them to post to the account holder a statement of balances for all accounts held.

Dint she was asking them to post a statement of what she has.

Sadly dad set up a bunch of stuff for her with building societies that don't have branches nearby, and she just signed and went along with it.

So now she is writing letters, I imagine that their next steps will be to ask her to send two forms of ID?

To us, it's normal life, which is partly why she's so determined to adjust to it, but to her, it's so stressful. She was in tears on the phone to me again today but when I offered to go there today, she said no, she will stick with the arrangement for me to go later this week and she will cope with her anxiety. I keep saying it, but while I do really admire that she wants to do this, I'm not sure how to handle it myself because watching someone go through that anxiety is terrible. I suffer with anxiety but I live alone so no one has to see it!

Hi Grace
This may be all wrong, you know your mother, so if this is totally off the mark, just ignore 😀.
When I read your recent update I couldn't help but think that perhaps you ARE both being too protective of each other.
Perhaps you could tell your mother that you have no problem setting all the accounts strait for her to manage thereafter. And emphasize that this wouldn't be stressful for you doing it this way.

I suggest this because I know that when I am "down", I will do everything to make sure my DCs are OK, because if they are not, I find it next to impossible to cope.
If your mother feels the same, she is self-protecting in keeping you "happy", and she might be afraid of causing you anciety as well as you are afraid of causing her anciety.
Does this make any sense? I am sorry I cannot explain it better.

Danish, yes, it makes perfect sense. But she's so anxious at the moment, constant reassurance doesn't help. I think she will only feel better when everything is sorted and that could take months.

She's telling me that she must work on things to feel better but that her anxiety will rise and fall, and I'm finding it difficult to cope with the rises. It's like what thigh says about seeing someone in distress and needing to fix it.

About banks and building societies - we’ve had similar experiences. In the name of anti-fraud and anti-money laundering they have made their ID checks over the phone very strict. My mother deals with building societies that don’t have local branches by post and that seems to go smoothly. I don’t recall them ever asking for ID because (I suppose) they assume that, if you have the passbook and are asking for it to be returned to the address they hold in their records, it must be legit.

Sadly dad set up a bunch of stuff for her with building societies that don't have branches nearby, and she just signed and went along with it. Are there no records at all of what was set up? I suppose if he did it all on-line there may be nothing, but I've usually got at least a letter asying "thank you for opening this account" even if I've got into a muddle thereafter.

Reassuring that Monica says it goes smoothly by post.

thanks Dint and Monica

that's good to know re post. There are very few records but I'm not worried about sorting the accounts, just that mum is so anxious after things like not passing phone security - she will give herself a heart attack at this rate!

I'm in the hospital today with the elderly family friend mentioned earlier so have only spoken to mum briefly, but I think the fact I'm here looking after the friend has helped put things more in perspective for her That's not me having a go at her for panicking, rather that that helping someone with a health problem is a reminder of the things we are lucky with....hope everyone is well

rather that that helping someone with a health problem is a reminder of the things we are lucky with One of the things I get from this board is that other people have got far worse things to cope with ... somehow makes me feel lucky.

Had a rewarding talk with SW yesterday who finished by gently patting me on the arm and saying "Don't worry, I'll get it sorted, it'll be all right ...don't worry about anything". I didn't think I'd made it that clear I was on a knife edge!

Dint That SW sounds lovely. How are you today?

I don't mean that comment about a health problem in any kind of "who is worse off" game, but I think it gave mum pause when I reminded her my phone would mostly be off today because of being at the hospital.

speaking of which...from what I can see, hospital in my area so much better than mum's area, as previously said....funny as it's rough here and upmarket where she lives. Could all just be luck of the draw, management etc etc

Grace Today I'm fine, thanks - I've had a day off! Managed to order my seeds for the coming season.

I don't think anyone would have taken your comment as a "who is worse off game". But I think lots of us get swamped by the set of problems we're dealing with, and it can be helpful to be reminded of the different problems that other people are dealing with - helps you "count your blessings" at a time when even seeing any blessings can be difficult.

yay for seeds!

just flagging this up as I will be offline for a while and am about to run out of data...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3486859-can-t-do-it-any-more?watched=1&msgid=84345875#84345875

Hope it's still ok to post for a hand hold. I'm mostly doing ok after mum passed but increasingly feel like I'm drowning under what everyone else needs and is feeling.

Mum didn't want a funeral as such, she wanted direct cremation, and some people have, understandably, struggled with this. For context I'm the only one organising everything and dealing with her affairs - with help from dh.

I know I'm still in shock and I'm trying to get through it all as best I can before I fall apart. I've got people calling and getting really upset about different things and telling me I'm being cold and people are upset because of me and I should have done things (insert their opinion).

Part of me wishes I had the time and space to grieve that they have or that they had even the slightest idea how bloody hard all of this is for me. It's almost like because I'm getting on with stuff I'm not in pain.

One hand to hold across the ether. So sorry you are going through all this.
I know it’s early days in grief but would seeing a counsellor help? Somewhere you could dump all your feelings in a safe place.
This is all their stuff not yours. Take your time and protect your boundaries. No is a complete sentence. “ I understand you are x/ y/z but I am not able to discuss this at the moment as I am griving”
🌺🌺🌺