Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Norma, there's a phone number on this page for people who don't have computer access so maybe they have a shorter printed guide you could get? I just printed out the basic pages when I discussed it with my folks (who decided not to do it, but from dad's experience in hospital, I can see how the medics end up deciding everything regardless of family input)

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power

@Bigbox, trouble is they can simultaneously pull rank and play for sympathy, it's very hard to counter!
can you be firm but kind, draw out some boundaries and stick to them?

Hello everyone,

Regular poster but NC'd and have been advised to post on here.

I'm in my early 30's and for the last ten or so years I have been a carer for my elderly grandparents. They are my mum's parents. Long story short but they helped raise me as my mum was a single mother when I was little.

She remarried but in my late teens she had an affair and my step father kicked me out at the same time and that side of the family have pretty much blamed me for the break up. My biological father lives locally but has never been in my life.

I moved in with my grandparents and other than my time at university in my mid 20's I have lived with them and cared for them full time.

I have found that the situation affects my mental health. I suffer with very bad anxiety and things have been quite bad lately with various things going wrong in the house, leaving me feeling a little overwhelmed.

I somehow managed to graduate a few years ago with a first class degree from a top uni but I'm now stuck back here with no job and no prospects really as it's a semi rural area. My grandfather died during my course and my mum also fell ill with a serious illness.

My mum visits most days for a while but she lives with her boyfriend and is somewhat removed from the situation. I feel totally trapped as I would like to move away and build myself a career but I feel I can't leave my family and they are very reluctant to accept outside help.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Mailed I think that you need to put yourself first, as the more you do and the longer you stay, the more that becomes the norm. Talk to your mum and gran about your work situation, tell them you need to start applying for jobs and put a deadline in place for when you will move ie January, so that they get time to come to terms with it. You can help put things in place for then, but you need to make the break while you still can.

Has anybody any experience or advice on sudden inability to mobilise?

DM has had poor mobility for some years but gets about okay with her trusty stroller. She has moderate Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. Sunday evening she was fine. Monday morning she was shaky, distressed, unable to weightbear or walk, her blood pressure was very low. Taken to A&E diagnosed with uni andwound infections, no surprise there as she'd been on antibiotics for both conditions since Thursday.
She is doing well in her self but still unable to walk. DM says it's as though her brain isn't sending a message to her legs.
DM lives alone with help from. Carers twice a day and support from DSIS & me. Hospital are pushing to discharge to home as medically she is fit.

Thank you @Grace212 I'll have a look at that.

@Windgate

I had to do a little research into this, but not much. (This was in the past, dad had a sudden loss of mobility but recovered enough to use a Zimmer at home). Have you talked to social services? What would happen about a wheelchair for your mum, access to bathroom, commode etc? Also one thing I didn't get to was fire evacuation.

Do you think your mum needs a care home now?

I know how stressful this is

@Grace212 I have spoken to SS but as she is self funding and they are suffering so much with cut backs they openly admit they can't even offer advice.

Something changed in DM overnight on Sunday. I want DM to have a brain scan before discharge to rule out a bleed or see if her Alzheimer's has got worse or if she has developed Gait Apraxia. I don't want her discharged to home only to have a stroke and/or a fall. She's is on clopidogrel and they are giving her blood thinning injections on top of the tablets. If she falls and breaks a bone they admit she is at risk of bleeding to death.

Yes probably is time for a care home but she refuses.

At what cost to others indeed? MIL is at least five years in to what is now middle to late stage mixed dementia, but was only diagnosed this year as DH and his DSis were, and are, almost completely in denial. Despite being disoriented in place and time, paranoid, delusional, incontinent, virtually immobile, housebound and completely unable to look after herself, they continue to perpetuate the myth that their DM is ‘just getting old’ and that she can make decisions for herself, which she patently cannot. Although they both have PoA, jointly and severally, they won’t use it and, as a result, she is very, very vulnerable.

I have been so concerned for MIL’s welfare that I tried to report DH and DSIL to Social Services, but sadly they weren’t interested. I had to threaten divorce to get MIL assessed. I have spoken to my DD about changing my PoA so DH is not on it, because I don’t feel I can trust him to look after me if needed in the future. I’ve also got detailed notes, just in case we have to deal with the Police or the Coroner when MIL dies. It’s a long list of things DH said he would do, but then didn’t do, or things that I pointed out to him that he ignored or discounted.

Trying to deal with this has basically destroyed my marriage and caused so much stress that I now have a heart condition and I have no idea when or how it will end, although I don’t think it will end well.

windgate the exact same thing happened to my Dad. Messages stopped going to his brain re legs very sudden. It was polypharma too much meds. Urgently check that there are not too many of the same tablet he had zopiclone, amitriptyline and mirtazapine all doing the same thing - the problem went straight away.

@NaToth, that sounds tremendously stressful and upsetting for you😔
do you have any idea why your husband and his sister are so blind to what's going on with their mother?

thighofrelief that's very interesting. The paramedics who took her into hospital actually commented of the amount of drugs she has been prescribed and she is on amitriptyline and mirtzapine. The doctor is due to ring me this morning I will ask if polypharma needs to considered. Thank you

wind is she also on memantine? Dad had to take his down from 20mg down to 5mg and gradually up to 10mg. Amitriptyline is a bugger for causing postural drop in BP. Dad's BP was through the floor and said he was getting brain freezes re his limbs. The memory clinic sorted his meds, says it's very common

Yes she is, 10mg morning and night. I'll push for a referral to memory clinic.

@Wordthe, I have no idea at all. It just baffles me. Although I don't have any previous experience of dementia and MIL's issues started gradually, it was clear to me that things were not right, but apparently not to her DC.

It makes me so angry.

The grieving widow is really getting on my nerves

Yes I really did just say that.

She has kittens about every official piece of paper that turns up. I still can't understand how anyone can be that clueless about the stuff of life.

She complains when people phone to see how she is, then complains if they don't.

The 75 year old caring for 100 year old is terrifying.

I'm 53 and I can only just about manage to care for myself, there's no way I could care for an elderly relative now never mind in 20 years time

@NaToth, are you sure it's not a case of them unconsciously seeking revenge for a bad childhood?
yes I know that's a horrible thing to say but.....

@Wordthe, you'd that, wouldn't you, but they both say they had a very happy childhood, very happy family life, did lots of things together, acknowledge how hard their DM worked, how much in love their DPs were, never a cross word, what a great Nanny she was, how she did so much with the grandchildren when they were young etc etc. I just don't get it.

BigBox is that my 90 year old mother you are talking about..... they could be twins.

My DM is, however, has become such an awful person, that our visits are dwindling, and the grandchildren won't visit anymore because she never has anything nice to say about anyone.

We tried to get her into a care home, but she broke out three times, so now she has a 24/7 carer. There really was no other way. We had to be cruel and mean, and the guilt is awful, but none of the children will have her, and she will never forgive us, but it was that or live alone. She actually likes the carers and now can't live without them. She goes into respite for the odd week they go home. She likes that they do whatever she wants, when she wants, agree with her, and don't argue. They have the patience of saints. They get well paid, but boy, do they earn it.

oh just urgh and big etc for those of you who are still fighting this particular fight. Everything you all say, I understand so well. Death is a blessed relief when it comes (not necessarily uncomplicated) but I feel about 3 stone mentally lighter now that DM has gone. Maybe one day I will grieve for the mum she was, not the one she became, but who knows when that might be? And I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: her death is a huge relief, it lifts a massive burden off my shoulders and for my nearest and dearest, and probably most of all for her. big hugs and cockroach to all of you still valiantly doing your best in horrible circumstances.

@NaToth, I suppose the other explanation would be that they're in denial, whatever the case it sounds just dreadful for you, I hope it does somehow end soon and you get some peace

ended up coming home because mum was driving me so nuts.

I feel terrible but I just couldn't cope. also her house is freezing, it's like something from the 60s in terms of lack of comfort and just....argh.

I'm not sure if I should scream or sitting in the corner crying. Armed with all the excellent advice you've given me today off I go to the hospital.

I'm told mum is fine and has had a head scan. Mum in absolute floods of tears, she is adamant no scan has happened nor has she had physio. I ended having to get very assertive in quiet way. Turns out ward have twice in twelve hours got mum's notes mixed up with another patient. No scan has occurred and vital hours have been missed. Dr apologised but as I said I want answers not apologies.