Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Well wrong then she is not managing, you are. I know what you mean about the invisible feeling and I've only been doing this 2 months.

Good morning and welcome Wrongwayup - I think a lot of us can sympathise with that invisible feeling. Caring can be thankless and lonely. But we see you here!

Can’t believe you’re doing a 400 mile round trip every 10 days! Before he moved closer a couple of years ago my dad lived 45 miles away and I found that hellish. Does your sibling at least do emergency stuff?

In terms of bills and paperwork, are you doing as much as poss online/by direct debit? And do you have power of attorney? I’ve found that has hugely helped with the admin side of things, meaning I can do it at my own pace a bit more and concentrate on dad and the house when I’m visiting.

Welcome wrong i hear you re crummy siblings. I do like my sister but she lives a couple of hours away. I'm round the corner and pop over for a couple of hours a day. I moaned to my mum (who is fit and has her marbles, but 84) that I was the donkey and my sister the dressage horse. Dad overhead and defended her - i just thought oh fab, golden tits again, I'll wash your arse in a minute.

It seems to me that often the person who first steps up to help when an elderly relative needs care, that person instantly becomes the default go to carer

The first responder probably steps up in the expectation that others will be inspired to take an equal and fair share of the burden
but they don't
One person steps forward and everyone else takes several paces back, you have donned the red shoes and you must now dance yourself to death

Lol thigh many such unflattering comparisons have been made about me and my brother the worst most on the nose one being that we’re like the movie Twins - he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger and I'm Danny Devito. My DH insisted on calling me Devito for months. (This is very outing but I’m pretty sure my family are not 105 posts deep in this rather niche thread )

I do have a sibling who visits occasionally but is so awful in so many ways that she is never asked to do anything as it's just easier to get me to do it. But no-one ever thinks about the effect of this on me. Feel invisible. No-one sees me

your sibling is using a strategy of deliberate incompetence to make sure that she doesn't get lumbered and she can do this because she knows that you have to pick up the slack because you have stepped up and owned the problem, like atlas you can now never put it down

you feel invisible because everyone wants you and the problem that you have owned to be invisible and then they don't have to feel guilty so as much as possible it's all swept under the carpet and pushed on you

thank you all so much for the welcome and for just immediately getting it. xx

oh the sibling of gold... we used to refer to DB as 'saint b' or the knight on the white horse. snorting at donkeys and devito and the ear warmer thong!!

the thing is when you are the one doing the stuff it is kind of invisible, no one is really interested in the mundane, day to day stuff. much easier to ride in on your white charger when there is a drama or a crisis and be seen to be wonderful.

finally got news from coroner; form 6 been issued to crem, funeral home picking mum up from hospital today, food ordered so it's all systems go for Tuesday. I literally cannot wait for it to be over, but it's such a huge relief to know that at least one thing will be sorted. (Knowing DM there are bound to be hiccups between now and Tues...)

sorry, I seem to have completely lost the ability to use capitals at the start of sentences!

It's funny isn't it - you'd think the benefit of not being the golden sibling is that you wouldn't be first pick to be the primary carer. But noooo, here we all are, whilst Arnie, Fancypants and Saint B get to swan around living their actual lives!

wrong I've not been here that long myself but have found this assorted rabble group to be extremely understanding and supportive. Every story is different in myriad ways, but equally there are always common threads that are totally recognisable. Stick around if it's helpful xx

yolo I can only imagine how relieved you are - sorting the funeral is so important in terms of keeping one occupied straight after the bereavement but you've been in limbo with it which is awful. Hope hiccups are minimal from now on - the universe owes you.

Hope all goes smoothly on Tues Yolo. Everyone I know who has had to arrange a funeral has sung the praises of their funeral director. Therefore I know it must be my problem that I ended up having the one I had for dh's burial so much that I have written a special letter to my executors ensuring they won't be used for mine They topped off their uselessness by being LATE to the house on the day of the burial. Hope yours are top quality and give your DM a proper cockroach send off

Welcome newbies, hope we can help out here

Sorry I wasn't clear in my last post, I meant the portable ramp as a suggestion to LittleSpace

Yolo, glad you got the paperwork

Thigh, your turn of phrase does really make me laugh!

Re Social Services, I don't think we'd be entitled to any help, after a certain savings threshold it's considered that you have to get private carers I think?

yolo so glad your paperwork is sorted out. Don't try to chuck yourself in too for a rest.

word i think there's a big psychological play going on re caring. Our society won't be able to keep this up long term. My grandparents were all gone young, my parents are clearly long lived, it's not unfeasible that we will start to see 75 year olds caring for 100 year olds and 50 year olds caring for them all. What to do? Ice floe?

Thanks for the suggestions of a portable ramp or half steps. I'll look into it.

Cabbage Octogenarian Death Slide (ODS) would be a good band name. Maybe I should put a patent on it.

thighofrelief Are we all becoming a little......odd? Very possibly thigh of relief. Or maybe sleep deprived!

personally, I am all for the one way trip to Switzerland when I decide my time comes. otherwise, the DDs have promised the pillow over my face when I am too much of a PITA (bit worried they may be a bit too enthusiastic too early on!).

But honestly, I look at def the last 5 months, and more likely the last 18 months, of my mother's life, and I honestly think what was the point? wouldnt it be better to go when you want to, to know that you have put your affairs in order, made your peace with those you need to etc etc. And I know that I was relatively lucky with mine, I have huge sympathy for those of you coping with dementia on a long term basis, because that is absolutely soul-destroying.

Where is the peace, and the dignity, and the sense of a long life, well-lived and well-loved when it all goes tits up?

@thigh, yes I too wonder how things will pan out long term, I suppose we should look to Japan since they are further ahead in the demographic shift

it's not unfeasible that we will start to see 75 year olds caring for 100 year olds Already happening in this household.

personally, I am all for the one way trip to Switzerland when I decide my time comes Somebody pontificating on AIBU (paraphrased) "No-one wants to go into a care home, but there comes a time when you have to do what she needs not what she wants - she needs to be safe" Like fuck I do! My only hope when I lose my marbles is to be as unsafe as possible and get out of it as quickly as possible.

Hello all. First time ever posting on MN 😊. Looong time lurker here. I have been where you are and am now processing the past years. Sorry for language, English isn't my mother tongue. I would so much like to give you something to smile about, it is so hard being where you are. Sooo concerning the ODS... Please check out this link and feel free to imagine who to put there I.e father entering house or my favorite... siblings 😊
m.youtube.com/watch?v=DfJN8Yr8nzA
Hope this works. If not Google "German speed bump" 😂

Hi all,

Hope it's okay to join in. I've been browsing this section of MN for a few weeks now. I've been researching Power of Attorney tonight (for Health & Welfare) for my dad (I'll go into why a bit more in a minute) and while there's plenty of information available, I wanted to ask if anyone knew of an actual, physical leaflet/brochure than I could obtain from somewhere to give to my dad to have a read through? Googling has just given me 30 page PDFs to print off and I know that would be far too much information for him to take in.

He's 77, been low-level unwell for a good few years now... stomach ulcers, various UTIs, pneumonia, blood clots.. to name a few. He's currently back in hospital with suspected sepsis after being home only 5 days after a 4 week stay for an infected/inflamed gallbladder. He's also under investigation after a CT scan found a mass on one of his lungs... he's had a PET scan and a biopsy and lung cancer is an almost certain diagnosis. We should have confirmation by next week.

He's getting more and more confused and forgetful. The last 24 hours have been horrific and it's got me thinking about seeing about getting the PoA in place. We're hopeful that once the sepsis has been dealt with some of the worst of the confusion will clear but with the cancer being an almost certainty life is never going to go back to what it was.

My mum pretty much leaves everything to me and it's fucking hard. I have a brother who isn't local but he does come and help as much as he can. My H and adult daughter are a great help and support but it's so hard. Sorry, I already said that didn't I? I'm so tired and sad and worried all the bloody time.

dint I suppose the argument against that is that 'safe' means that the immediate family are not coping with the unsafe bits?

I mean, for DM, history of falls (maybe 25 in the last 2 years? certainly 9 in the last 5 months) it was clear to anyone with half a brain that she was not safe but she would do nothing other than continue to live alone and the resultant stress that caused me in particular, my closest family too plus the more extended ones, was actually really unfair, mostly on me, DH and the DDs.

She got what she wanted, but at huge cost to other people. I'm not sure that is right. I think its about a decision we all need to take, but that wont happen until the law changes in this country. I would sacrifice a few years of my life rather than put my DDs what I have been through - and I think they would probably agree once pragmatism won through over emotion.

Anyway, here's hoping it wont happen for a while! cockroach mes amis

it's not unfeasible that we will start to see 75 year olds caring for 100 year olds.

We've already got this in our family - twice over!

Your comment re cost to other people has really hit home. My dad was very ill for 30 years before he died. Or was he? Given that he lived that long. Feel I have sacrificed my life for my parents

Ok deep breath, can I have a rant please?

Grandmother, 92, mentally as sharp as a tack, mobility not so good but she gets around and out if she can be collected at her front door. Her daughter, my aunt visits twice a week and takes her to her house for the day every weekend. 5 grandkids all try and call, visit as much as we can around work too. She has friends who she goes shopping with twice a week and other social events two or three times a week - in other words she’s pretty lucky and has some form of visit or event nearly every day.
She’s given food on the weekend that simply needs reheating which sees her though till Tuesday so she only has to cook easy meals Wednesday to Saturday and then if she’s out she’ll buy lunch out.
So, you all say, she’s independent. Yes, she is but boy is she also demanding.
She’s finding she doesn’t want to go out as much as she used to and I can understand that but she’s becoming resentful of the fact she hasn’t got company 24/7. We all live a minimum of 30 minutes away so not around the corner and we all work full time and do what we can. Her house is immaculate and we help with the larger cleaning jobs but she keeps on top of everything.
It’s the complaining that gets us down, reminding us she’s 92 and she should be ‘looked after’. None of us can take her in, she won’t spend the money on a careline but her cash just piles up in the bank. Won’t spend on taxis to help herself get out, she wants constant company and attention but we just can’t do any more than we do. She won’t entertain the idea of a nice care home - it’s our duty to look after her! Won’t entertain a carer to come in or a companion for company as she thinks everyone is out to steal off her.
Just don’t know what to do, feel guilty but also a bit annoyed that she doesn’t realise how lucky she is really, she doesn’t want to help herself. She gets way more company than many elderly people! Any ideas?