Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Grace... it’s really hard to feel grief / relief / guilt all at the same time. Just don’t feel bad about whatever you do feel. Outside ramps should be an option for your mum. If you speak to your adult social care department (number should be available either via the Llcal Authority www or from your GP) they should be able to sort you out a visit from a community occupational therapist and they can come out and go through all the options. We referred ourselves for my gran and the OT was great- she sorted out loads of stuff for us- bars on the walls, an aid for moving and handling etc.

I looked at portable ramps for mum, our LA wont fund them. you can get aluminium ones which fold up, but they seem to start at about £400 each, and it all gets awfully complicated - you need one for the way in, a platform bit in the middle and then one for the other side. Luckily I gave up as would have been another complete waste of money - along with the orthopaedic bed I bought her for downstairs, £900 and she took one look and despised it. I actually slept in it for 2 nights as could no longer cope with the 2'6" single beds she bought for the grandchildren 30 years ago. It was very comfortable, if I needed a single bed I'd bring it home! Retailer wont take it back, need to ebay it...

grace you just have to let the feelings come and then decide which ones you need to act on I guess. I would caution moving in with your mum, and I think your unhappiness being back in your flat might be to do with the fact that you feel you have 'left her'. And 6 months down the line you might be very happy with your own little bolthole where you can retreat. IME they get more demanding, not less.

re stairlift, we got mum's through a naval charity (dad was in the navy) - worth exploring what area of work he/she was in? sometimes they have benevolent funds. mum was really anti the idea, but once installed she absolutely loved it! pissed the rest of us no end, but it gave her a lot of independence to go up and down stairs as she wished.

We are finding using a small half step from amazon very useful to help dm get about. And portable!
cockroach. All!

We learned some lessons last year about what Dad can and can’t deal with around Christmas which - I know this sounds odd - means we can have a nicer time by not including him in absolutely everything this year. Previous years he has insisted on being with us for every waking moment (in fact he used to come and stay for 3 nights which nearly killed me) but last year I realised he doesn’t understand a lot of what’s going on (eg opening presents together, games etc) and he is patently knackered by late afternoon. The silver lining tho is that he also no longer really has a sense of it being a very special day so he’s not going to resist me packing him off home after lunch. Then we can all relax and have a bit of “normality”. That all sounds really mean doesn’t it? It’s just that he is such hard work - always has been, but obv worse with the dementia.

Oh and ps Littlespace Octogenarian Death Slide is the best band name I’ve ever heard.

Evening all. Things not been good in the Monkey household, DS1 has been in crisis and that's meant I have been as well. It now looks like we will need to move house, so I have to look at properties within a radius for being able to drive to my mum's house in an acceptable amount of time - ie under an hour, which would mean something like a 3 hour trip in an evening. The rest of the family are very aggrieved by this, which brings it home yet again that she is my burden to carry alone. Someone at work suggested I buy a bigger place so she could live with me... Jesus.

I sat at work as late as I could this evening because I didn't want to come home. Am feeling very low and very stressed.

nota I am sending you the hugest hug and support I possibly can via the ether xxx. I know how hard it all is... but she shouldnt just be relying on you? I know, I know, preaching to the converted and all that. much love.

Thanks Yolo I know you have a shed load on yourself.

Cockroach all.xx

Cockroach nota and a big hug. Sorry to hear how crap things have been. xx

Agree with those saying SS will sniff out an actively supportive family from 20 paces and you'll be effectively left to it
It's alarming to hear this and surely it would just mean that people will catch on realise that it's best not to appear to be in a position to help your elderly relatives?

that's the point word... if SS think family will do the jobs then they are remarkably hard to pin down. You have to be very blunt and state that family will not/are not able to provide the level of care required - chuck ball back in their court. So yes, do not ever appear to be able to provide the support required.

Thank you Yolo and I have barged into the thread without introducing myself, sorry🙈
I have a parent mid 70s and am spotting signs of what could be cognitive decline, I have come here to benefit from the advice and experience which is so generously shared😊

Also in my experience there is an expectation that any daughters are available and willing to take on the responsibility of care. I've had to practice my steely smile and say no, sorry, that's not possible. And then wait for the shocked noises in response, often from women who themselves work full time.

no probs word welcome, and sorry you have to join us... and what nota says about daughters is exactly right too. When sons turn up and kick ass they are treated like gods. daughters - pah! (bitter, moi?!)

am actually considering putting 'octogenarian death slide' on my c word list! oth might worry the inlaws...

oh fuck thigh that's a lot of dentist money - not available on NHS I take it? I would suggest thimble full portions on xmas day, so you can just slot them in your pockets - nothing worse than carting round a plated up meal (I know, I've done it - mind you, side plates are easier than proper ones...)

yolo I'm sorry about the faff re your Mum's death certificate, is this really due at root to your DB kicking off? If so, could you leave it in his lap? How is your DH doing?

Grace i second Yolo's words of caution re moving in. You will never, ever get down time and SS will write you off.

an expectation that any daughters are available
I'm thinking they are expert at piling on the guilt to bring you into line with convention...namely that women must martyr themselves

It must cost much more really to have families care when professional care would be kinder to everyone, but the cost to women in terms of health and earning capacity is hidden and 'invisibled' away.
In refusing and contributing to the conversation about this you are doing the right thing.
Anyway, I shall lurk and learn :)

Depleted the coffers obviously, my offers are depleted too!

yolo thanks for the advice re portions. I'm just going to strap half a chicken breast to my head and a couple of mini mince pie nipple tassels and not bother with plates.

I know that my mum is watching her brother and his wife who have struggled severely with their health recently and although they have 3 children none of them have been in much of a position to help them because they all have various difficulties of their own
I'm hoping that she is learning from all their mistakes and will make some sensible plans for herself I live a long way away and I also have my own issues to cope with, as well as being an only which seems to make it all the more acute 😣

I'd like to join. Dad died 2 years ago and although mum is managing there is just an expectation that I will do everything house wise bill wise and paperwork. I live 200 miles away and visit about every 10 days. Every time I am just greeted with a list of what I need to do. I do have a sibling who visits occasionally but is so awful in so many ways that she is never asked to do anything as it's just easier to get me to do it. But no-one ever thinks about the effect of this on me. Feel invisible. No-one sees me.