Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Thigh, it is harder than babies in my opinion, it is very, very strong-willed bad decision making humans. I reached a point with my dad, where I had to say either we do this or that or I won't be doing any more. It hurt so much to say this and mean it, and cut back the services I provided, but otherwise I would not have survived. I ended up on ADs and I am sorry to say, it was such a relief when it was finally over.
Caring for elderlies with failing health and/or any form of dementia is like being on a merry-go-round with a 100 mph sometimes more. Your sense of normality vanishes while spinning around.

Grace it's not that clear cut. They are over the savings threshold of £23k so we would have to proactively look for and employ carers. Because Mum is ok 70-80% of the time when not dealing with toilet issues the carer wouldn't really be needed. IF she's having a good day AND i go over for a couple of hours to look after Dad AND Gummy spends the evening there everything is ok. Just looking at that sentence it's fucking ridiculous isn't it?

I'm really scared that I'm in trouble for not going over yesterday, being uncaring and making her kill herself. And really outraged that i feel like that. But i don't blame her for wanting an end to regular excruciating pain for almost 60 years.

When i was 8 we lived next to a shop. I popped in and the shop lady asked how my Mum was. I said "constipated" and was really nonplussed at the hysterics. I thought everyone discussed their mother's bowels.

Annandale babies smell so much better than oldies and can be put in a play pen!

Dint i love the idea of laminated business cards, Dad would love them.

Danish i am going to have to have some hard conversations re boundaries. The trouble is, Dad is so lovely that I don't want to hurt his feelings by letting on that it's a burden. Mum is jealous that people want to be with Dad and blocks offers of help so she could rest more, she buzzes around getting in a state rather than handing off to me and resting.

It's the weight that's the difference with a baby you have 15lbs of obstructive, shitting human (on a bad day), with olds is 150lbs. Harder to wrangle, maybe less teeth though.

Dint how is your Dad's rehab going?

Grace are you feeling any better?

Thigh
Obligation vs boundaries i guess 😊
Both you and your gummy need lives too, what you are describing is very hard work. To be more hands on would almost be moving in.

thigh you've told us that your mum frequently says it's the worst ever, so on that basis, how could you have known what was about to happen? Don't accept any blame for this, including from yourself.

Do the hospital think she really did try to take her own life? (Just putting that there).

So what will you do in the future to lessen the risk of your mum doing it again? Spend more time there? Get Gummy to spend more time there?

DM is also over the £23k threshhold, so she pays for carers to go in. She doesn't know it though, and resisted when it was suggested. But I put it in place (with AA money and as I have POA and access to her account) because she needed a carer, but wanted her daughter. I knew I was at breaking point.

Monkey i don't know if the hospital believe her, i think so. She's bright red, i think that's the tablets. She's angry that she didn't succeed and i think will try again. I really don't blame her, i couldn't cope with first anticipating then recovering from that level of pain every 3/4 days.

She has also said every toilet day that she wishes she was dead, is going to walk into the river, and has all my life. My eldest sister who is AWOL made many, many suicide threats/attempts as i was growing up so it's meat and drink to me. I just think uh huh, cup of tea?

What a fucking year, it's so sad that this is how it all ends. I mean all of it, dementia, shitting, exhaustion, resentment, frailty.

Oh thigh I am so sorry you are goin* through all this.
Your dm does have the right to make bad choices and you have aright to a life. Do they have attendance allowance? That would fund some care and is not means tested. You and gummy cannot live like this.
🌺🌺🌺

IF she's having a good day AND i go over for a couple of hours to look after Dad AND Gummy spends the evening there everything is ok. Just looking at that sentence it's fucking ridiculous isn't it? Yes, it is. You cannot commit to the next x years of your life without a holiday, never going away from home, never having a full day out, because every day you need to be with your parents. Nor can you rely on Gummy spending evenings there. You need carers. Even on good days.

What do your parents need from you that other people couldn't give? Other people can do cleaning, personal care, shopping, feeding etc. Concentrate your efforts on things that no-one else can do - helping with decisions, being a daughter not a carer.

You didn't make your mother overdose. And equally you couldn't have stopped her if that's what she decided to do.

How's my Dad's rehab? Complicated! He's been on a rehab ward for a week. Mentally he's doing well, more alert and fluent. Physically I won't know till I see him at home ... which allegedly is happening today. House is ready for him and his Christmas tree is up ... but stairlift not being fitted till Friday. Hoping that if he can't manage stairs they can get him upstairs (bedroom, computer room, bathroom) and get someone to take his meals to him, rather than downstairs with commode - if nothing else, bed moving will take masses of furniture moving, I can't lift, and DH went down with a flu-like cold last night.

thigh thanks for asking, I'm better.

looking at that sentence, they just need carers. That's why I wondered if they had refused. you mentioned your mum still drives I think? So I guess that means she's physically okay most of the time but don't they need help with things every day?

All the things I've thought about re my mum, it's been on the basis that there would be me and a carer - never just me!

a few pages back someone asked if I wanted to be living with mum at 50. Tbh at that age she'd be 87. I always thought I'd be retired at 50 (yes lol ambitious) and if there was a surviving parent actually in the house they live in now, that there'd be carers, plus me.

I never expected them to live that long tbh. But I certainly don't want to be working at 50 - so once again, back to the practicality, rent the London flat, keep an eye on an oldie. But that's as long as I still recognise their personality etc. If mum loses all her loveliness and drives me up the wall, then I'd be gone again.

my parents pooh poohed the idea years ago saying "we wouldn't let you, because living with an oldie is too depressing". After dad retired (at 70) he did a lot of helping with a couple in their late 80s, and a lady in her 90s. They were his friends so he was determined to do it, but he did find it really hard.

sorry, that was a waffle.

Grace If when you're 50 your mum is 87, she could easily live another 10-15 years after that, and you'll be in your 60s. And once she's gone you will need other people in your life. You need to keep your social life going. So you need to work out your boundaries for the long term, and not get sucked in to complete dependence on being a carer.

Dint "she could easily live another 10-15 years after that"

what happened to the good old days when reaching three score and ten was considered a long life?

I don't mean to be flip. I'm genuinely horrified by the idea of long life and so is mum.

there's no question of giving up a social life to care for mum, I wouldn't do that. I must admit, I never considered either parent possibly living so long until I came on this board. Caring at 60 - no, I can't imagine that.

I'm genuinely horrified by the idea of long life Yep, me too. Although "healthy life expectancy" is increasing it doesn't seem to be increasing as fast as life expectancy, so basically most of the increase is in the final years of ll-health.

Although maybe it'll start going the other way, with the decline of the NHS

Meanwhile hospital are driving me crazy. Yesterday discharge team assured me he'd be out either yesterday or today, and they'd ring me 20mins beforehand so I could be there with key. When I hadn't heard anything by 4.0 today, I rang, only to be told that they'd decided not to discharge until the stairlift is in, which is going in on Friday. Which is rubbish for him. And annoying that we weren't told - I'd basically turned up the central heating and got things ready for him. Good job I hadn't bought bread and re-started milk deliveries.

Grace, I wonder when she was last reviewed by a colorectal surgeon? It sounds as if she would do far better with a colostomy tbh. But I can understand why she'd want to keep them well away.

I hope that you don't for a minute think that you were responsible for a decision by somebody else to attempt suicide. I've got a family member blaming me for neglecting my husband to the point of suicide. It's not true. But bloody hell, it makes life significantly worse.

Annandale, think you have confused me with thighofrelief

Sorry grace and thigh

Evening all. dint sorry you are being messed around- but having the stair lift must be better.
thigh you are doing all you can.
grace pushing 60 here and dm mid 90’s......
Sorry to hear that anna rellies often seem to feel the righ5 to spout all sorts of poisonous stuff.🌺🌺

Yolo how is your husband doing?

dint sorry you are being messed around- but having the stair lift must be better. It's not just me being messed around, it's my poor DF who's desperate to come home, thought he was coming home yesterday, got all dressed and ready to go, and then was casually told that he couldn't go.

Dint did you say your dad had started progressing with steps?

I can see he must be disappointed at the change of plans, poor guy.

dint sorry of course it’s really rough on your df.
Good question nota- how is DH yolo ?

I think it is very interesting that we all seen to be the first generation of long term carers. My grandparents died at 60 68 and then 2 just turned 80. But the difference is that they became ill and died within a few months so no long term old age issues. It is of course just assumed that we will do it but many of us have to work have children or other responsibility and for work may live a significant distance away. Bet there are no men or very few having a similar discussion. X

wrongwayup but we're the caring, sharing (fucked over) sex. Although my lad has done more arse washing than i am comfortable with recently. I have to get his life back too.

Golden Tits has played a blinder. She's told Mum me and Gummy aren't coming to the hospital because he is traumatised after having found her and just recovering from having his teeth kicked in. She also said I have a disabled child at home who is depressed and anxious and who mustn't learn from his dgm that suicide is an option.

GT also said, Thigh has to work - you going to pay her instead?

GT has taken Mum twice to colorectal specialists in last 3 years. One private, one NHS - solutions were offered and she backed out.

Now I think the solution is a district nurse will come daily and help with enemas so there is no build up.