Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Grace212 · 14/12/2018 18:38

self indulgent whine warning

My mother is so unhappy. I know there's nothing I can do. But it makes me unhappy. She had a couple of friends round and I think it's made her worse. Dad used to say, at that age socialising can be depressing because it's all talk of death and illness and that certainly seems to be what she got this afternoon.

I literally got off the phone and wept myself. I just don't know how to handle this.

yolofish · 14/12/2018 18:44

grace the first thing you do is look after yourself. Of course she is devastated, she is widowed, the world doesnt look like she thought it would - but you cant change that for her, or save her from it. You can help, you can put things in place for her, but you cant actually make it different. So, she needs to do what she needs to do, whether that is wallowing in grief or taking tiny steps, or one day feeling ok and the next day wanting to kill him because he had the temerity to die...

BUT you dont have to be the one that picks up the pieces every time - or rather, what I am trying to say, is that you CANT pick up the pieces until she works it out for herself, because that is between her and your dad.

Yes of course you are unhappy, but actually you need to focus on yourself, find small ways to make yourself happy - a bit of cake, a favourite tv show, a glass of something, a walk in the park - whatever, something that allows you to regroup, because that's ok and actually desirable/necessary.

Here endeth the homilly!!!

Wrongwayup · 14/12/2018 18:48

Grace totally agree own gas mask on first. Bitter experience

Grace212 · 14/12/2018 18:50

but how do I do that knowing she's so unhappy? I mean, it seems bizarre to sit and laugh at a TV show when she is feeling like this.

BlueBell50 · 14/12/2018 19:15

I’ve just been to see my Mum, she mentioned getting stamps and then added other stuff that we can get “tomorrow”. As my house is an absolute tip and I’ve got a to do list as long as my arm I hadn’t planned on going anywhere tomorrow but now it seems I’m going to a packed supermarket on a Saturday after an absolutely horrendous week at work. I could cry Sad

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/12/2018 19:21

but how do I do that knowing she's so unhappy? Being unhappy yourself won't help your Mum, in fact it'll make it worse. If she thinks you're unhappy, how will she be able to unburden herself to you if she needs to? If she has any love for you, it'll make things a whole lot worse for her to see you unhappy.

BlueBell50 You have to be tough "Sorry Mum, I can't manage tomorrow, I should be able to do Monday". If you had a work appointment, you wouldn't make yourself available for supermarket shopping, extend the same courtesy to yourself.

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 19:24

Bluebell the corner shop is your friend here. Supermarkets are no-go areas now till 2 January Grin

Grace212 · 14/12/2018 19:59

I know you're all right
But any virtual hugs would be appreciated right now
I feel so alone

Original poster
thesandwich · 14/12/2018 20:37

grace a huge hug from me. yolo gives v wise advice- you cannot fix this, just try and look after yourself so you have something* in the tank for her.
Have you thought about counselling for you? Somewhere to take all your grief and focus n yourself.
bluebell boundaries, boundaries...... work out what you can do and when.and put your needs first. Wha5 would help you most? And protec5 yourself.
yolo glad the dB visit wasn’t too dire. And please give yourself some downtime.
dint, thigh, nota, and everyone i’ve Missed.....🍷🍷🌺🌺

OP posts:
yolofish · 14/12/2018 20:44

grace my love, first off a huge hug. then you turn your mind off your worries for a bit, in whatever way helps you. For me, it was practical stuff like sorting mum's house, or cleaning mine; for you it might be a nice hot bath or a walk in the fresh air (bloody bracing here!). But find a way to a place where you are not feeling her pain - because you cant do that. My best friend lost her daughter, aged 19, and I spent the night at her house after the funeral - we managed to find things to laugh about even on that dire night. It's OK to laugh, to find pleasure - and in fact your dad would be more than happy to think that you could do that. xxx

bluebell yes boundaries - what is essential tomorrow? and is it all really essential? then you do the bare minimum you can get away with and that fits in with what you have to do too.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/12/2018 21:59

big hug ** Flowers

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 22:37

Grace big hugzzz from me.

You have to fill up your cookie jar Grace, you're running on empty. You are grieving too, what about bereavement counselling for you? I do know what you mean, i feel very nervy if someone is upset and i can't fix it.

When times are tough I'm very careful about what i read and watch - I've just watched About A Boy with my youngest. You deserve to laugh at TV shows, maybe your Mum is too now that she has had a cry. As your Mum is not losing her marbles or particularly ill maybe the emotional support could be 2 way?

She needs your help with learning practicalities but it might give her a little focus to support you too?

BlueBell50 · 15/12/2018 08:19

Thank you all. You’re right, I know, you’re giving me the exact advice I would give anyone else, it’s just so difficult isn’t it? I feel better this morning, I’ve switched things around a bit so I know what I can do today and what I plan for tomorrow. What I’d planned for doing with DM tomorrow will go, if she cannot do it herself I’ll help one evening but I’m not leaving the house tomorrow!!

Love to you Grace xx

Grace212 · 15/12/2018 08:34

thanks everyone Flowers

Wrongwayup · 15/12/2018 15:22

Oh Grace. I just want to pick you up and take you out for the day. How old are you? Think you have said but can't remember. I am 48 and lost my parent and sibling in the same week 2 years ago parent natural causes sibling suicide. So now left with a devastated very elderly parent. No room for my grief and nobody understands. I have a few friends who have lost a parent but nothing like this. So wondering if you have any friends who have lost a parent? If they haven't they have no idea. I had one friend tell me all about losing a grandparent. It's just not the same but she couldn't see it. Much love and hugs. It's all crap. Xxxxx

Grace212 · 15/12/2018 22:40

Wrongwayup thank you so much
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Flowers
Did you go for counselling or anything like that?

I'm 43, I do have friends who have lost parents but no one who has been left with an 80 year old who was that dependent. Also some were not affected by the loss of a parent, or were relieved for a range of reasons.

They have been understanding of what mum's life will be like now and they know she's my absolute priority, so there's no social obligation type stuff to worry about.

thighofrelief · 15/12/2018 23:45

Hi Everyone

Happy weekend to all my fellow MAOW Towers residents, i hope you are all bearing up.

I have had a sinfully lazy day, watched TV with my youngest, made spag Bol, snuggled with the dogs and had an afternoon nap. I have been in pyjamas all day, had a lovely bath then put on clean pyjamas.

I'd really like a Mao Suit that i just swapped for a clean Mao Suit when necessary so that i essentially live in pyjamas.

I had a hot stone massage yesterday, very nice, and am having a facial on Monday. Plus an Indian head massage on 27th. I'm building a relationship with my masseuse so if it gets too much i shall whisper the code word "Nefertiti" and she can just embalm me.

notaflyingmonkey · 16/12/2018 06:48

Wrong that sounds like an awful lot for you to bear. I hope that you have got counselling for yourself? My DB's decline started when we lost our dad, so I understand some of it. Grace I was 5 months pregnant at the time, and couldn't believe the some of the comments that I got from people - eg on returning to work being asked if I'd had a nice week off. Erm, not really, just buried my dad? I put a lot of it down to the British culture not having a way of dealing with the subject, so people cast around for something to say. DH is forrin and they literally have a set form of words that are exchanged with the bereaved. So much bloody easier. But Grace as much as you and your mother are both grieving, try not to mean that you become codependent long term. Gradually the fog of grief will lift, and when it does, do you really want to be 50 and living with your 90 year old mum?

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 11:31

Has anyone had bereavement counselling from Cruse? I don't know anyone who has actually had it. I've had generic counselling in the distant past but IMO it's just time that heals old wounds.

NaToth · 16/12/2018 14:27

I'd I'd @thighofrelief, two years ago after my mother died.

The standard is six sessions, which isn't really long enough to get into background (in my case lifelong abuse, which meant my emotions when she died were different from the usual ones). It did however help me to get things done between sessions so I had something to talk about.

My counsellor was very pleasant, but she was not equipped to deal with what was happening to me. They seem to work to a pattern. I am still trying to find a counsellor who can work with me to deal with the deal seated issues.

Before I could have the one to one sessions though, I had to have a telephone assessment and then attend a group session, which was awful. The leader had a flip chart and went round the room asking who we had lost, how old they were and how they died. One poor woman whose DH had dropped dead in front of her in his forties was distraught and the leader just ignored her. I complained about that.

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 17:36

Natorh that doesn't sound good. I'm just not sure how helpful the panacea "get counselling" is. I guess one size doesn't fit all and it's a good idea to interview a few.

NaToth · 16/12/2018 20:21

If you are on the Kubler-Ross model (sp) denial, anger etc, they're probably very good. If you fall outside that pattern however, I suspect they are out of their comfort zone.

thighofrelief · 17/12/2018 01:54

Mum's in hospital, she took an overdose of zopiclone and tramadol. Her ring and watch were downstairs by Dad's meds so she clearly meant it.

She's more or less unconscious and they are flushing her with a saline drip. The only thing she will say is she wants to die. I asked if she knew who i was she said my name and that she wants to die.

I just left, what can I do? I know she means it and I don't blame her at all.

When she was 29 she had a very brutal hemeroidectomy which basically maimed her and gave her anal stenosis. Which in effect means she is in utter agony for the whole of every 3rd or 4th day. I've grown up with it and dismiss it as "Mum's having an arse day".

She rang me this morning saying it was the worst ever, but she always says that and the dogs were desperate for a walk. I picked up Gummy and we went for a dog walk and had a good laugh.

We were going to pop over earlier but traffic had built by then and was hopeless so went to mine to wait out the traffic.

We popped over and Dad was sitting downstairs thinking Mum was sleeping off an arse day. Gummy went up to listen at the door and found her unconscious covered in shit and vomit.

This year needs to end.

notaflyingmonkey · 17/12/2018 04:03

Bloody hell thigh Flowers

Your poor mum to have to live in pain like that.

I'll be thinking of you today. x

Original poster
thesandwich · 17/12/2018 09:39

Oh thigh 🌺🌺🌺 sending huge hugs. Your poor mum.

OP posts: