Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
Original poster
thesandwich · 11/12/2018 21:37

I echo dint , thigh. Paddington hard stare..... please look after yourself and heed the signs. So hard at this time of year with the greyness and áll Christmas forced jollity........
cockroach all.

OP posts:
thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 21:56

Dint and Sandwich I have had depression in the past but normally I can "hear" the volume of it, is it a tiny murmur that is OK, is it getting louder and needing treatment/tablets? I can't hear it now, I just feel displaced.

I am a coper and I've always been proud of how independent and resourceful I am but this feels different, like I've survived a train crash and I'm still thinking about it despite having survived and not even being the injured party.

I'm working very hard at the moment and enjoying it (almost entirely from home) and I'm booking massages and facials on groupon left, right and centre. But I'm also stuffing cakes and sweets a lot (thankfully I don't drink or I'd be permanently arseholed) and I'm so tired. I can't read or watch TV properly, just brainless shite, anything else is too hard and I just stare blankly.

Why am I still whining? Dad survived. Others of you have lost your parents, I should be dancing for joy, this is what I prayed for.

Grace212 · 11/12/2018 23:15

thigh Ive never had stoicism. Wonder where I can get some? Grin

When dad was in hospital, I was angry with myself for finding it so hard, I kept thinking....I'm not the one in hospital, I should be doing better. I never showed less than a cheerful face to him, but when I walked away, I would think, hang on, why can't I read a book etc. Now I've decided if it takes me six months to even think about reading a book, that's just life. Also thigh you are working and you have other family, you've got a hell of a lot on your plate. You're not whining!

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 23:34

Grace thank you, you're a voice of reason and support!

Stoicism can be found in Aldi, bottom shelf, behind the value baked beans.

thighofrelief · 11/12/2018 23:38

Speaking of value, just got myself a free bunch of flowers. There's a thread in the Christmas section called Freddie's Flowers codes, people post their codes and you use it and post your code. Free flowers for all, I am my own Valentine.

Wordthe · 12/12/2018 00:31

It's just grim relentless and exhausting
no wonder it's a struggle, plus it always seems to coincide with various other crisis points or inflection points or crossroads, times of stress etc

everydaymum · 12/12/2018 06:39

Just a quick note to say good luck to you all for Christmas. As if the usual day-to-day dramas aren't enough, this time of year sees us expected to spend more time with DMs, DFs etc....

Teflon shoulders and hard stares all round!

notaflyingmonkey · 12/12/2018 07:23

It is relentless. DM just goes on auto reset mode, like a goldfish going round in it's bowl. But for me it has a cumulative effect - having to answer the same question on repeat. What can I get your DCs for xmas? (she doesn't go out, I have bought her presents for my DCs, etc for the last 5 years or so). Don't worry mum, all sorted, they'll get the vouchers they want. But I don't like giving vouchers. It's what they want mum, so they'll be happy. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes I can head her off in a different conversational direction, but currently it's the one that we have roughly 20 times a visit until I can't unclench enough to play my part.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2018 07:51

Why am I still whining? Dad survived. Others of you have lost your parents, I should be dancing for joy, this is what I prayed for. a) You're not whining b) you've been through major events. It's unsettling. I took early retirement. I was desperate to retire. I've never regretted it for an instant. It still took me 5 years to get on an even keel mentally.

thighofrelief · 12/12/2018 09:36

Thank y'all for the Paddington Hard Stare, I've done all i can think of to feed my soul and it isn't working so off to the GP. Or maybe just email her, she'll give me a repeat of anti depressants I've had before. I hadn't realised I was, but the lack of equilibrium and being bent out of shape over a crap birthday present last Spring is not me!

Dint how is your Dad? Is he home?

thighofrelief · 12/12/2018 09:42

Sprinkling sugar on the shite only works up to a certain point.

yolofish · 12/12/2018 10:38

I think it is the relentness, the repetition, the fact that you are 'supposed' to be doing all this shit, the fact that no other bugger in real life actually understands how hard it is, the fact that your own life/family has to be put on hold both for the drudge element and the drama element. Groundhog Day over and over.

I am still recovering from the last 5 months of mum's life, she's been dead 6 weeks and I can honestly say that I am functioning at about 50% of normal if that. I think the exhaustion caught up.

Those of you still in the thick of it: remember oxygen masks, teflon, escape valves xxx

Wordthe · 12/12/2018 11:55

I have a sense that people have been duped into the task of caring for thier elderly parents, it is presented as the normal and natural thing to do, just what humans have done for centuries and generations
But that's a lie isn't it, a brief period of frailty and confusion where an elderly parent would be supported by numerous younger relatives would be manageable but this extended period of caring for a parent who is regressing into child like behaviour having to manage this behaviour whilst at the same time dealing with your own feelings about your parent which have evolved over a long period of time and probably involve resentment from the way you were treated as a child.

Additionally the feelings of resentment and anger which are bound to arise when you step up to help and all those others who might have been called on take several steps backward, breathe a massive sigh of relief, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear

I think it is all too much to bear, I am already struggling with the weirdness of seeing my parent apparently starting to slip, getting a glimpse of what's behind the mask and questioning everything about my childhood

Grace212 · 12/12/2018 15:12

thigh good that you are seeing the GP I reckon. I don't know how I would have handled things if I wasn't already on meds!

Dint totally off topic but wondering why it took time to settle into retirement as you were excited about it? I can't wait, lol.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2018 17:21

Grace I think it was just because it was such a huge change. No longer had to do a job that wasn't inspiring me, plenty of time to undertake new activities, but I had to get used to the new me - I was no longer sought out for my professional expertise, so I had to work out a new way of looking at myself. And although it was a very welcome change of lifestyle, it was a huge change.

I got there. I have a full and busy life, various voluntary positions that allow me to look upon myself as someone who is contributing, more friends than I've ever had before, time to enjoy my interests and learn so much. And my last job is now a hazy memory :-)

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2018 17:30

thigh After springing on DH that Dad would be home today, DH said we wouldn't be available to take delivery, so instead, to our complete surprise, he's been transferred to an in-hospital rehab ward. And we've been able to fit a key safe, do a deep clean and de-clutter of the house, and have spent the day talking to stairlift suppliers. So all good at the moment. DS2 is doing a splendid job with hospital visits which takes the pressure off us

yolofish · 12/12/2018 18:12

dint that's a bloody result! is your dad ok with rehab ward? IME you have to be really tough with everyone who says oh yes he/she can come home today and we are discharging them. good on your DH.

Original poster
thesandwich · 12/12/2018 21:31

Typed long post and lost it. Thigh well done! And good news dint.
Have you come across the change curve based on work on grief by Elizabeth kubler Ross? Tried to link but lost it. Explains how all major changes take time...... even positive ones like retirement.
Thigh, you make me laugh so much!!
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷☕️☕️ and cockroach all.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2018 21:41

is your dad ok with rehab ward? He said he'd go along with whatever we thought best. He seems as happy as can be expected, he's enjoying the food, and is getting visits from family nearly every day. So although he wants to be home to write his Christmas cards, he can cope with a few more days, and it means we can do a few jobs which will make life easier when he gets home. It's hard doing things when he's there, because he micromanages, and has strong views about how he wants things done - he wants me to fasten the wardrobe firmly to the wall so he can use the doorknob to pull himself up out of bed...

It's good for me too, as taking a step back from him I can appreciate him instead of merely being irritated, so I'm feeling very fond of him at the moment.

thighofrelief · 13/12/2018 10:37

Dint trying to visualise the doorknob/wardrobe lever.... .is it like the dancing Canadian children or is there some sense to what he is saying? I love what you have said re taking a step back and appreciating him - I will keep that thought with me. It's so easy to become irritated when skivvying. It sounds like you and your DH have worked wonders making things more accessible etc

Sandwich the GP issued me a repeat of citalopram so a couple of weeks and I'll have fewer brain squirrels.

yolofish · 13/12/2018 12:30

ah yes, the old 'furniture as mobility solution'. DM used to try it with a wheelie chair, no wonder it didnt work!

waiting for DB and SIL to arrive to fight over the family silver... is it wrong I've had a couple of glasses of Wine already? they said 'lunchtime' but their idea of time is abstract to say the least, cant decide whether to have a sandwich or something. then we have to go to mum's house to clear some more stuff out of there. no doubt there will be complaints... fuck 'em.

OldSpeclkledHen · 13/12/2018 15:02

Grrrrr my Mother is a stupid selfish bitch.

OldSpeclkledHen · 13/12/2018 15:02

Sorry about that 😳

OldSpeclkledHen · 13/12/2018 15:02

Just need to vent and not be judged.

yolofish · 13/12/2018 15:08

no judging here hen just sympathy and black humour...

bloody DB not turned up yet - I class gone 3 as later than late lunchtime and am seriously pissed off now.