Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

In caring for our parents we damage your own health and bring forward the point at which our children need to intervene in order to help us

word you are right but as others have said this is how we vent- and support.
grace I completely get what you say re responsibility for your dm- the only way I cope is by putting other support/ contact in place and doing things which fuel me ........ then I have more to give and something to talk about..... please do not let your dm define you. It is early days for both of you.
beautiful sorry things are so tough. You are not alone. Vent if you need to.

@Beautiful I am sorry that you feel trapped and in despair
I'm sorry for everyone on this thread caught between a rock and a hard place

It’s so tough isn’t it? Everything seems to be on my shoulders as my sister doesn’t live nearby and I’ve recently split from my H as I discovered he was having multiple flings on a swingers website. My life has changed from being in what I thought was a happy marriage and looking forward to our retirement to being a carer.
I love my mum very much but I feel like whatever I do isn’t enough. She has no friends or interests so she relies on me for day to day stuff and for her socialise to. I’ve taken her on holiday ( and paid for them) for the last 15 years. I always spend every Saturday night with her but she still complains about me behind my back. I’m not perfect but I’m doing all I can. I’m just so tired.

Because they know that relatives will pick up the slack government's don't have to step up and make proper policies to address the problem, at some point it will fall apart and people will just start refusing en mass

It's like you've put on the red shoes when you step up to take care of an elderly relative and then you just have to dance yourself to death while everyone else turns a blind eye

beautiful that sounds really hard. I do suggest like many on here you might find counselling helpful, and work out ways to protect yourself and build boundaries. Your dm will not change but you can change your response.
We have talked on here about developing Teflon shoulders to let stuff slide off, and the grey rock approach helps too.
Please find ways to look after yourself.

Yes the red shoes analogy is so fitting!

Thank you sandwhich you’re right, I have to change my response. I’m too sensitive

My life has turned into a joke! I’m just reading my last post about my H. Whoever would have thought my life would have turned out like this. Sorry for sounding so full of self pity but I’m having one of those days

I read a wonderful book called SUMO- shut up and move on, which is a great read- google the sumo guy.... who also talks about hippo time- the need when things are mega crappy to wallow for a while- and then find a way out. Take some hippo time, be kind to yourself beautiful and then sort some self care.

Sandwich**Yes that's it exactly. Need to change our response.
Ive learnt the hard way that trying to change our elderlies view of things isnt going to happen. All I can do is alter how I deal with it. More gin and cake and that silent gigolo please!

Beutifully you don't sound self pitying at all. You husband is a cad and you are well shot of him. Unfortunately each time we feel we can plan the next step of our lives, some karmic dice is rolled and off we go again.

You can still plan for a retirement that you enjoy though, as being without a husband doesn't automatically enrol you to be a carer. You just have to find the balance.

Yolo

Sounds like you are a bit further on than me atm

Have got Dads house to clear out and not looking forward to it one bit

Yes it is shocking isn't it. I suppose it's uncharted territory because we never used to live so long, at least not in these numbers.

Shocking report in the Guardian today - the support for raising taxes for NHS is much less among younger people. They do not see an ageing population as a problem, and feel that volunteers should play a greater part. You know, sometimes I feel quite cross at having contributed the the NHS all my life, but now I'm reaching the age where I can expect to have the greatest need for it, it won't be around. But of course the generation that can remember pre-NHS life is my parents' generation and there aren't many of them around.

www.theguardian.com/politics/2018/dec/08/generational-divide-uk-split-by-age-over-tax-rises-for-public-services

Hi there beautiful not something I say often, lol. How old is your mum?

My issues don't relate to social care support as I could just leave mum to get on with it. It's the guilt. Was it sandwich saying "don't let your mum define you". I agree. It's just so hard to walk away from an 80 year old who grieving and clinging to me like a life raft, in spite of what she says. It is early days and then I feel worse being so impatient.

Oh grace 🌺🌺🌺 it is hard for you and your dm. Could you do anything together you both might find fuels you? I have to do stuff away from dm so there is something in the tank to give.

The image of the red shoes resonates with me, too. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues as dear Mr Bowie said.

We had another crisis overnight, so I’m feeling sleep-deprived on top of everything else. And something about it all wasn’t quite right. The house looked as if it had been staged and I feel dreadful that I noticed.

Monica- do you want to say more? So sorry you are in crisis mode again.

oh Monica sorry to hear that

sandwich yes, we tried watching a film together last night and I thought it was okay but then I woke up with raging anxiety and cried on mum again, which isn't fair to her. I'm back in my flat now for a couple of days. She has a friend coming on Monday so won't be completely alone.

one thing that is compounding my guilt is the expectation of others - many friends and neighbours were thinking I'd be there all the time as I'm not working, or thought I'd move in and when she has called them for chat, they've said "oh I didn't call because I thought Grace was with you all the time now".

I realise the fact I took redundancy doesn't help this...but even so, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I don't have a life! And I think these people would probably be baffled by this but I hate leaving my own home, even for a couple of nights. I don't go on holiday really - spent a few days away in 2015 I think was the last time!

grace my lovely, whatever you do, do not move in with your mum. She is 'only' 80, you could be there for 10 years or more, losing your life and yourself.

I spent the last 8-10 years caring for mine, on an increasing basis, but I could always walk away and come home to recharge/rant/get pissed. That's a really important escape valve, keep it for YOU xxx

the red shoes analogy brought tears to my eyes - so apt.

billys I really didnt mind doing mum's house, I find it quite peaceful being round there on my own, and in a weird way it's allowing me to remember her before she was so very ill.

beautiful monica and everyone - strength, teflon, avoidance, and cockroach to you all.

yolo I'm still slightly stunned by the "only 80" thing tbh. I thought I was really lucky my parents were around to see my 40th birthday. They both had heart problems over the years. but they have a lot of medications....

I find it hard to imagine that she will still be here in 10 years I guess. So I have been thinking oh well, never had husband or children, never had to look after anyone, surely I can make a sacrifice for what might be a couple of years....but of course it might not be.

grace mine died at 88, and I was well aware she could have gone on to 98, subsuming more of my life and me day by day. I'm 57 now, I couldnt do another 10 years. And, if I went back 10 years, I would have put much more external support in earlier on - found her more ways to make friends, insisted she try out various groups etc. Instead, I let her say that 'everyone is too old' 'they arent like me' 'why would I be interested in xyz' because I felt she had the right to do that.

Yes, she did; but it didnt mean she had the right to turn me into a combination of sole support and only outlet for her frustration/unhappiness. Please look after yourself, you matter, and you shouldnt turn yourself into the dutiful daughter who does everything because you feel guilty - think about you in the longer term.

yolo thank you for those wise words, you have made me feel better.

If I keep having anxiety attacks when I'm there, then I'm not helping her anyway. I'm a bit puzzled why this is happening now. It happened when dad was in the hospital and clearly dying, and suffering etc - but that was logical. I don't really know why I'm having anxiety attacks there now.

Because the walls are closing in on you Grace.

My mum is 90 and physically going strong. I echo Yolos words of wisdom and wish I'd put more in place earlier, whereas now I am the one picking up the slack. It's exhausting, but I can go home.

grace I would let them all know about the complicated andd lengthy plumbing / renovation work at your flat which requires your constant attention.........