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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

972 replies

thesandwich · 16/11/2018 21:39

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
notaflyingmonkey · 07/12/2018 17:46

Like others I never had a good relationship with my DM, which is why I very much see the caring that I do for her now as obligation. If she starts on about how lonely she is, I just counter it with what a shame she didn't want to go to any of the many day centres etc that I set up for her to go to.

Perhaps the worst aspect of her character is that she is a bit of a racist. She still seems to remember through the mists of dementia not to say anything racist to me. Which is good. But I was in the next room last week while gummy's apprentice was telling her his tale of woe from college (not his fault, none of it) and could hear her asking him if it was because there are many 'coloureds' there. FFS. Have I mentioned my DCs are mixed race? I shout through from the next room - 'like him you mean mum'? While he sits there wondering wtf just happened. One of the many reasons that I try and minimise my DCs contact with my DM.

Grace212 · 07/12/2018 18:00

thigh OMD how do you cope with that?
Sorry, I'm constantly wondering how people cope.

Mum isn't likely to join anything, I know I'll end up being her main source of social contact. Her two main close friends died in the last few years.

Re anxiety, I already have meds and I don't want to increase them so I'll just have to see how things go. I do feel as if mum is a bit better today though. The main thing is to get her used to living alone I think.

She is great though and we get on, which is a real bonus, I realise.

yolofish · 07/12/2018 18:40

I think you just cope because you have to? There isnt really another option, other than to abandon them to the state and for most of us there is too much love/obligation/guilt to do that, even though we (well, I did) consider it in our darkest moments.

Having said that, I am with nota on the awful things they say to our children making it much harder to maintain at least the love bit - this was a major bone of contention between me and DB, apparently my DDs are "well-rounded young women" who shouldn't have been upset by stuff DM said. They are 22 and 19. Yet my DNiece and DNephew who are all 30 something plus, married, kids etc, are allowed to be upset by things (true things) I said about DM's behaviour. DDs and I dealt with the day in day out, DN&N were like DB and SIL - the white knights. (sorry, getting a bit ranty there!)

Went round to DM's house tonight, it's actually nice to be there, watch a bit of telly, have a glass of wine, remember the good times rather than the bad. It's quite peaceful.

Grace212 · 07/12/2018 20:10

I know a couple of people who literally left their parents to a care home, asked not to be contacted for anything except death. They really couldn't cope. In one case, the parent didn't have a clue who her daughter was (advanced Alzheimer's). I must admit, if that happened to mum, I'd have to reconsider how I handled things.

thighofrelief · 07/12/2018 21:27

I also know a couple of people who left everything to a care home and never visited at all. Both old people had no clue who anyone was at all. I'm not sure what you do in those circumstances.

thighofrelief · 07/12/2018 21:30

Weighed Dad today, he's only lost a stone through hospital etc. He's about 5'8"/9" and 11 and a half stone so that's ok. He was a tiny bit tubby before thank goodness.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/12/2018 22:47

Well, as you see from my other thread, everything just gone tits up for us. Just feel hopeless at the moment. Will probably feel better in the morning.

thighofrelief · 07/12/2018 23:34

Dint bath, trashy book, sleep. Are they discharging him tomorrow? Are you there or do they propose to tip him out of the ambulance?

thighofrelief · 07/12/2018 23:37

Dint Gummy has no clue he's an internet star, though he's suspicious when I mutter "recipes" at all the typing on MN.

Monkey is Gummy's Apprentice back on track or still being a PITA?

Wrongwayup · 08/12/2018 06:55

Totally relate to all the sibling stuff resurfacing. Feel about 17 most of the time at the moment. Shame I don't look it

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/12/2018 07:20

thigh He hasn't got his keys with him, or any trousers. I fully expect them to send him hone by taxi in his pyjamas and dump him on the pavement. But they're doing another review on Monday, so we've got Sunday to finish the clean and tidy of the house, if I back out of a working party that I'm helping run on Sunday. Haven't slept well, which is why I'm back on MN - wind too noisy, although normally it wouldn't bother me.

notaflyingmonkey · 08/12/2018 07:45

Gummy's apprentice going one step forwards, two back currently thigh. I believe self medicating is the polite phrase for it. He has ASD which is possibly the reason that he isn't actually learning anything from his screw ups.

thighofrelief · 08/12/2018 09:45

Dint oh that's awful, your poor Dad and what a worry for you. I just don't understand the economics of elder care, chucking him home unprepared is just setting up for failure. I don't know why that isn't obvious to the powers that be.

thighofrelief · 08/12/2018 09:57

Monkey i hear you, and i do see a logic to the self medicating. Gummy has ADHD and, despite being intelligent, seems unable to put 2 and 2 together re life experience. His father said last week he wants nothing to do with him until he gets it together, hmmm ok. Gummy has turned a corner though and is taking baby steps forward and in psychotherapy. He wouldn't have taken anything on board when he was younger though. I had him at 20 and with the "extended" parenting and now the oldies i feel i have spent my entire adult life looking after people. And Florence Nightingale i ain't.

thighofrelief · 08/12/2018 10:01

Wrong you do look 17 to me. You have a very slender and elegant font. All you need is to be locked in MAOW Towers for 6 months. Yolo i believe your Mother's house could be a fitting venue, are there disability aids for those of us too weak to move unaided?

thighofrelief · 08/12/2018 10:07

When you enter MAOW Towers a work clone is issued and does all your paid employment for you and doesn't report back to you. You receive the pay though as the clone needs nothing.

yolofish · 08/12/2018 12:08

thigh judging by the numbers on here I'm not sure 4 bedrooms would be enough? I am thinking more a mansion, run along the lines of very posh oldfashioned luxury hotel - all mod cons you want but not if you dont want. Staff everywhere, but never in your face, they are mindreaders and will bring you/do exactly what you want whenever you want it and then bugger off unobtrusively until next required. Talking therapy provided in the form of thread participants sharing the burden and laughing through it.

Original poster
thesandwich · 08/12/2018 13:13

Oh yes..... something out of poirot perhaps? Art nouveau but no murders?
☕️☕️☕️🍫🍫🍫to all.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 08/12/2018 13:22

This thread is very witty and fun to read but at the same time I am appalled at the way the oldies are sucking the life out of the middle aged wranglers

It shouldn't be like this

we shouldn't be in a position where the only way to have some dignity in your final years is to destroy the mental and physical health of your children

yolofish · 08/12/2018 13:27

well yes word but if we didnt laugh we'd cry... and I am the one with a free pass at the mo, because DM died. Therefore am making the most of the craic before the PIL start on the same path!!

Grace212 · 08/12/2018 13:39

wordthe

Yes it is shocking isn't it. I suppose it's uncharted territory because we never used to live so long, at least not in these numbers.

I think I figured out the pinch point for me. I feel responsible for my mother generally now dad is gone. I feel like if she has a fall or anything, it would be my fault. I went to the supermarket with her this morning and I think she could have gone alone so why do I feel responsible? I also feel guilty that I'm the only good thing left in her life but that's a hell of a burden.

Another friend of hers was admitted to hospital last night. It all feels endless. I've got friends in real life who seem to be coping well with elderly parents although of course the anonymity of the board means we say other things here, not sure if people are feeling them and it's just too hard to say in real life.

Beautifullydamaged · 08/12/2018 13:39

I’ve posted on this thread a couple of times under a different name and I read it avidly. Today I feel trapped and in despair and I just want to say thank you to everyone who posts on here because it makes me feel less isolated. It’s also such a funny thread.
People are just living far too long. I would absolutely hate to inflict this role as a carer on my children. I try and live a healthy life style in terms of diet, exercise and limiting my alcohol intake but sometimes I think what’s the point, I might as well drink myself to death

Wordthe · 08/12/2018 13:42

They used to be lots and lots of young people and just a few very old people who needed help

now it's going the other way lots of lots of frail old people, nowhere near enough younger people with enough spare time and energy to help them

Wordthe · 08/12/2018 13:42

But we are still being spun the line that we ought to care for elderly parents

Beautifullydamaged · 08/12/2018 13:44

Yes it’s just assumed we will do it and put our own lives on hold