Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Meredint. There aren't many sheltered housing places around here and certainly none I am aware of with dining as an option. That would have been a great option for him if it was available.

Meredint. I think he will have a very good pension. He worked for the same company all his life (either BP is ICI I think) as a chemist in the petroleum industry on a very good wage. My DH has access to his bank statements (with FIls agreement) so knows his income.

Apollo Our experience was with a local authority care home. The manager explained that they expected to be given six months notice that funds would be depleted to the minimum where funding would usually be provided, in order to switch to full funding by the local authority. We gathered that a few residents had been through that change with no one outside the management any the wiser. Of course, it can't be guaranteed but so long as it's (a) a fully funded LA home and (b) has space available, it's all good.

This is actually an advantage of using a la care home , rather than a possibly more attractive, private home where once funds run out, the only option would be to move to a LA home.

FWIW, we were told that the average stay in the home was around twelve months , in our case it was less than a month.

I have spoken to the manager of a private care home this morning and she has reassured me that they do not chuck people out when funds dwindle. You have to prove you have 3 years worth of fees to get a place in the first place. FIL is 91 so he isn't going to live for a long time. And he isn't going to have any improvements in his health.

Apollo
Do you have any retirement villages in your area ?
My elderly neighbour has just sold her house and is moving into one ( Cirencester ) She has bought a flat. Within the building is a library,swimming pool, hairdressers, gym, restaurant ( you can have delivered to your home finest in restaurant ) or cater for yourself. It also has a social area, craft room and a small cinema !
Wish I was going with her

A retirement village sound perfect. Alas the east coast of Scotland is not awash with such things!

Apollo If a care home is, say, £50k a year, and he can contribute £20k from pension, then that leaves £30k from house, so even at Scottish prices I'd be surprised if house funds ran out in as little as 3 years. If he's ICI/BP there's a fair bet he's on an index-linked final salary pension.

He may live longer than you think - "remaining life expectancy" tails off very slowly - at 95 it's about 3 years average, and it's still nearly that at 105.

Just when we thought we'd sorted that Dad was having a temporary stay in a care home for re-ablement, they're now talking about sending him straight home, like tomorrow or Saturday. Do they try deliberately to wind us up?

Just back from hospital - saw Dad for about 1.5 hours, been out of the house for 6! If I'm spending 6 hours a day picking up his dirty washing, how on earth do they expect me to do anything about getting his house ready to occupy?

I'm off to see a psychologist today. Thoughts of DM are doing my head in and the mere sound of the phone ringing gets my back up. Even on her good days I'm on edge because I know it's just a matter of time before she's rude, bossy or disrespectful - she came over last night and I couldn't wait for her to leave even though she'd done nothing wrong. Every time something happens she says sorry (because she thinks she should, not because she is sorry), but doesn't change behaviour. However, because she's said sorry she feels that should be the end of the issue and I should 'move on'. But i can't, and the small issues build up and then I lose my shit over something which on its own isn't that bad - and look like a complete idiot.
I'm dreading Christmas Day. DH thinks it will be ok because we have his family over too so there's 'more people to share the burden', but I just feel that more people gives her a bigger audience to play to. If you didn't know her she can come across as quite ok and easily sucks people in, but once they're gone she turns back into her usual self and she'll find fault with them.
Sorry for the rant. I know I'm getting myself too worked up, hence the need to get some help!

everydaymum Good luck . If anyone ever needed Teflon shoulders, it's you!

Good luck today every and dint hope things get sorted for your df- push for rehab/ ot/ physio visits wherever he goes- but sounds like a rehab place might help. Good luck.
yolo how are you doing? And need ? How is your dm?

Hi everyone, very rainy here in London, walking the dog later will be fun. But first the vets for booster injections - yippee 🎉

Those of you with difficult Mums (critical etc) was she like that before old age?

Mine is 84, drives, fit, all marbles but she is and always has been a very difficult person. Her first comment is always how you look, and i see M&D most days. I rarely put weight on overnight! Gummy really struggles with her comments and comes away fuming but I'm so used to it - ie you're looking fat. Do you think so, interesting, cup of tea?

Went over to M&Ds yesterday cos Mum went to her spiritualist, her personal one. Dad and I watched some history programmes re Scottish battles and we had quite a walk, maybe 200 metres. That was his third wee walk of the day.

He's really on the mend and the history programmes are Great because it taps into memories which are all solid and so nice to see him as the lovely and clever man he really is. I'm so grateful he didn't die in hospital when he was batshit and combative.

I hope when he goes he just slips away in his own bed. Before hospital we had been on a dog walk and I was driving us back to his house. I looked beside me and he had nodded off in the passenger seat. I thought he had died and said no myself oh good he's just had a fab dog walk and a coffee in the sun with a loved one.

I know I can say that here in safety. Dad's always been a lovely man but when he goes I'm pushing Mum in the open grave and saying two for the price of one. Not really you understand. Maybe.

Yolo i keep thinking of you having to clear a 4 bedroom house. 2 words - house fire. Just kidding, it reminds me of a wonderful cartoon of a very glam woman tossing a lit match over her shoulder and saying - that takes care of the housework!

I don't see why GBalls should benefit from your hard work and it will be hard.

I'm looking in all the corners of my own house and thinking I must sort and chuck.

I'm really struggling to sort something trivial in my head.

GTits came down for 4 days last week. GT is very very rich and has very very rich friends - rock stars etc - really. Anyway some of these posh mates were selling their pied a Terre in London and offered her some twin beds for M&Ds spare room for people - Gummy, her, her and her husband.

When they were soon to be delivered she sent me a text asking if Gummy would start clearing the room and she would finish it. There were about 20 heavy boxes of books and 3 pieces of furniture.

I told Gummy of the text and he said - fuck her, she can pay someone, i spend loads of time dogsbodying and washing arses I'm not taking orders from her too.

So he didn't and i didn't either, we didn't say anything just didn't do it. So she turned up and bust a gut doing it herself.

I feel bad and I feel there's a frostiness in the air. GT is about 7 years older than me and we got on very very well as children and then we really struggled as adults.

We're so different - she's Alpha personality and I'm not even Beta, more Gamma - or Gammon. She's childfree by choice and I'm not - with a disabled kid and a nuisance kid. She's rich, I'm low normal, she's thin, I'm fat.

everydaymum** Your mum and mine sound like sisters.Saying sorry is something mine has started to do, mainly because I complained that she never did. However because the apology isn't genuine it doesn't mean much and as you say it's quickly forgotten when you commit the next miedemeanour. Christmas...well she's not invited this year...She has spent the last 12 months relating how badly treated she was last year even though she was made welcome, catered for, transported everywhere etc.. She wasn't the centre of attention so hated it...Teflon shoulders this year...you are not spoiling it for everyone again! Good luck with the psychologist today. I really hope it helps sort out your thoughts.

Everyday, please let us know how you get on with the psychologist.....and share any tips on dealing with a mother who I resent having to have in my house for three weeks over Christmas.She never, nurtured, cared for or really loved me and I resent having to look after her but I do it to give my sisters a break!

thigh you did the right thing - it's not up to your sister to start ordering people around.

Grace thank you. If I had requested Gummy give me a hand he would have but it seemed like an edict from on high and we both rebelled. But i struggle with that, i want to keep the peace. Plus tbf, when she comes down she does truly bust a gut. I feel like I just fanny around popping over most days and just more or less chat and make cups of tea. On the flip side i have been doing their finances for years but that isn't difficult.

It's really kicking into old sibling stuff that i had put behind me.

thigh

" I feel like I just fanny around popping over most days and just more or less chat and make cups of tea. On the flip side i have been doing their finances for years but that isn't difficult."

see, I think of all of this as caring and it's so immensely hard. I am going to mum's later and currently doubled over with anxiety (I have anxiety anyway, so already have meds). I don't think you are just "fannying around" at all - you are doing an amazing job.

The situation brings all the old sibling stuff right up again I think. I would have said that DB and I had a fantastic relationship up until a few months ago - but now its clear that he resents everything I got and he didnt (a good relationship with DF being the most prominent/important - we certainly both benefitted the same financially, and my mother spent most of my childhood trying to compensate for his and DF's shit relationship which didnt leave me feeling that great) and that he doesnt trust me in the slightest. Hey ho, none of it is of my making.

thigh the 'fannying around' is the most draining bit. You do it every bloody day, its always on your mind, its yet another obligation. Riding in like the white knight from time to time is the easy bit - because those white knights get to fuck off home and forget about it immediately.

Mum's house is almost done basically, everything that's left will stay til we sell; then there's just books/furniture/pics etc really. Took a load of stuff to the charity shop yesterday and plan just to do a few dribs and drabs here and there over the next month or so.

I am feeling very odd at the mo. Dont really think about mum much at all, but DH/cancer is worrying as they are now muttering about lungs and we have an appt with respiratory medicine tomorrow. This all began on Oct 7 and he has had NO actual treatment yet. I was expecting that we'd be a couple of weeks into chemo by now, but I think its unlikely to start before Christmas because they want at least one more test done at a hospital in London.

Grace thank you, you are always so kind and supportive on here despite your own troubles, it means a lot.

I struggle to see where fannying around ends and caring begins. I do enjoy their company but I still (just about) have marbles and can use a computer and phone (Mum's deaf, always has been so Dad has always done the phone stuff). The other day made me laugh - Mum can't hear and Dad can't see, write or remember. I had to convey a message by phone so told Dad who repeated it, Mum read his lips and wrote it down then she repeated it loudly which I could hear, i confirmed to Dad it was correct, he gave a thumbs up, Mum put it in the diary.

Grace would your Mum consider a ladies group at your local church/temple? Maybe if you went with her the first few times? Is she shy or asocial? What has worked in the past re your anxiety?

Yolo that's worrying re your DH, is it normal for such delays? You really are having an annus horriblus as Her Maj once said. I'm not surprised you aren't thinking about your Mum much. You are fire fighting a new battle re your DH and supporting your DDs through their worries re the cancer too.

Hi all, I have seen my psych on and off over the years so she is well aware of DM. Without having met DM herself, and based solely on my side of the story she feels that DM is how she is due to her upbringing and genetics (many family members are similar). Throw in ageing and ill health and there's no hope of change! So instead we need to focus on what we can change, which is how I react and deal with DM. For Christmas she suggested making a game of it. Instead of a swear jar, I have a DM jar, and every time DM is rude, disrespectful or lies, I put some money in the jar and treat myself with it after however long (not sure I could afford it with the way she is lately!). Or something along those lines, in order to lighten the mood and see some sort of positive.
DH has offered to go and speak with DM this weekend. He means well. He's wanting to tell her how badly her behaviour is affecting me, to the point that I'm getting anxious (which is just not me), but I know that she'll twist that and say that I have MH issues which is why I have a problem with her, rather than realising that she is the issue.
On the upside, I'm getting a great lesson in how not to treat your DCs as you age, so mine should be fine when I'm old!

everyday I like the idea of the game. My DF has various verbal tics to ensure no-one else can interrupt (years of holding his own in meetings) ... now he's speaking so very slowly it's excruciating, and I keep my sanity by all sorts of mental games, eg can he beat the record for the maximum number of "er's.

thigh your comment about seeing the man he really is struck a chord. Dad is at the moment doing a fact-based crossword in a magazine so he can photocopy it to his doctors to prove he still has all his marbles ... and is getting help with the answers from his grandson. I'd forgotten how devious he can be!

The more I hear of Gummy the more I like him - does he know he's an internet star?

I'm trying to file all DF's papers so we have room to move around and move furniture if necessary ... every time I think I'm getting there, I find another cache on a bookcase or in a shoebox. I can't just shove them all into a box somewhere because a) he'll want to be able to find them and b) I've already found one thing he needed to deal with and didn't.
It's not just the actual face to face care, it's all the background work you do. And the picking up the pieces because they didn't want to trouble you - like the day he refused to let someone call an ambulance because he didn't want me to be bothered by him being in A&E and instead turned up on my doorstep with blood pouring down his face. And I ended up having to take him to A&E myself because Minor Injuries wouldn't treat a head wound in an over-70. (DH reminds me he is 69 and will be until he dies ... unless it makes the difference of getting an air ambulance of course...)

Been over to M&Ds and had coffee with them. Took Dad for a nice wee walk with the dogs, only about 100 metres today then we sat on a bench and held hands. He confided in me that he's worried Mum will find out about the white haired house keeper who's been sleeping in his bed. He's glad Mum stays downstairs and hopes she never comes upstairs and finds out because you know how jealous she gets.