Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

blimey!!!! ok so we need to sort it I think: what DB and I want; what is potentially saleable; and then I think offer the rest somehow. I'd rather it went to a homeless charity where people need actual stuff to set up house with, and charity shop small bits rather than pay someone a fortune - it's a 4 bed house!

Yolo there are often council run furniture schemes. There is one called Emeritus i think which is fairly widespread. Your council should have a local assistance scheme who issue furniture to poor people. They take things like bedframes, wardrobes, tables and chairs. With sofas they have to have a fire retardant tag. I would take pictures of the furniture and email it to them. Books etc who knows! Charity shops?

There's Freecycle for working white goods and mattresses.

Just ate 6 cannolies, stress eating ugh. Feel Tom and Dick Vom emoji

thigh that's a bit of Cockney I didn't know.

I did the opposite - tried my first workout in ages today - I did initially try to keep up when dad fell ill but the hospital thing was so stressful and all the toing and froing...

anyway, obviously I tried with lighter weights than usual due to the long break....my arms are already killing me and I only did the workout a couple of hours ago. Oops.

Tom and Dick = sick. Alright, China

yolo house clearance - if you decide to do it yourself you could auction/ebay/gumtree/local Facebook page anything of value then donate/freecycle what you can before dumping the rest. I would imagine it would be pretty time-consuming sorting a house that size plus all the time waiting for collections/posting/trips to charity shops and the recycling centre. I do not know if you have a lot that is reusable or even valuable. Alternatively you could look at a local auction house. Some will come and take any items of value to auction and offset the proceeds to assist you with the rest of the clearance process. They are often quite good at knowing what to donate where and what will have to go to landfill. As you say it would be a waste for lots of reusable stuff not to find a good home but you might prefer some help with the task unless DB is offering otherwise your time is his gain again.

thigh not trying to be clever but did you mean Emmaus - fantastic homeless charity that runs shops selling furniture and second hand goods to support their work. Not sure if they are in your area but worth a look as they try to sell and recycle as much as they can.

to everyone - especially those already in the throes of the Christmas niggles!

Diaper yes - that is exactly who i meant!

Ugh C Word. I have done no shopping, no decorating, nuffink.

I love Christmas but doing a pared back version this year to accommodate the elderlies who it may be all too much for. Think we are going to do short day around a roast lunch with crackers. It is only one day I keep thinking....

Emmaus are such a great charity - and some sites are even right next to the local recycling centre to make the process super easy.

Diaper M&D have no appetite and find my house cold ie not 40c so i am doing a roast for me and the kids and popping over to theirs after with some dinner and will watch a bit of TV with them. The kids are older now and boys so it's just money. Much easier but will have to wait for grandkids to do the sparkly bits again one day.

Grace yeah it was much more expensive than we were hoping too. Rather ashamed to say we took the sentimental stuff, and clothes, and then just gave the keys back to the housing association to deal with disposing of the rest

Can I join you? I really need to have a bit of a rant. Sorry in advance for all the self pity but I'm at a very low point, can't sleep and need some hand holding please.
DM is late 80s, has lived alone for over 30 years, and is 5 hours away from me by car. Fiercely independent (difficult and critical of everyone), has nobody nearby to look out for her ( has ostracized all friends and neighbours), and is starting to struggle with her house, garden, loneliness, depression and dementia.
She admits to loneliness and depression but refuses all advice from me and medication from gp. She won't go out or socialise anymore, won't initiate contact with anyone by phone, does not want to attend hospital appointments and is generally a very awkward character to deal with or try to reason with.
She has chosen to stay living where she is, will not move house, go into sheltered accommodation or basically help her situation in anyway. My DB died not long ago so I'm the only child now, her last remains sibling has also just died. She was not in regular contact with them but her depression and dementia has been adversely affected by both events. Basically she has no contact with anyone but me and l get heavily criticised for just about everything I try to do for her. Have just returned from visiting her for several days and it's so difficult to cope with her. During my visit she alternates between her normal self absorbed conversation about herself, her past, how she has nobody and feels useless and unwanted. Have had nothing but criticism since my return for not staying longer, not phoning often enough, not visiting more often, putting my family before her, threatening to kill herself ( don't think she will) , basically putting me under so much pressure and guilt tripping me massively. My health is now suffering and whilst I have a lot of sympathy for her situation and appreciate her anger/ frustration stems from fear, loneliness, depression and dementia her refusal to accept any help means I'm feeling powerless to help.
Apologies again. Just needed to vent. You are all so wonderful and understanding on this thread, we're all going through it in different ways.

Welcome Unicorn to the club nobody would want to be a member of! Your mum sounds similar to mine. Complains about being lonely, but shuns any attempts by me to socialise her by getting her to day centres etc. Says they are for old people etc (she is 90). But I know what she really wants is to be integrated into my life and family more, which is absolutely not going to happen - that's my line in the sand. So each time she tells me how lonely she is, I say what a shame. Hard faced, I know.

You need to protect your own self in all of this, work out what the max is you can give and don't go over it, explore what other options there are eg use Attendance Allowance payments to pay for someone to pop in ever day and have a chat, get a gardener etc. My mum resisted all of this as she wanted me to do it, but I had to say that wasn't an option.

Thank you so much @nota. Just knowing I'm not the only one is so much help. I feel like I'm the worst daughter sometimes as I try not to get sucked in to her world of despair and ' grey rock ' as much as possible. Then feel terribly guilty that I'm neglecting her but tell myself it's her choice to be like this. I think it's her age and obviously that mother / daughter obligation thing that makes me feel I can't just abandon her, but honestly the temptation to just cut her adift ( like my DB did many years ago) is so great at the moment. I try to set boundaries but FOG gets in the way everytime.

Morning all and welcome unicorn- another one who knows exactly what you are going through and it’s b*&£#£ tough. You must dread the phone going.
All I can add to nota wisdom is protect yourself- perhaps prepare yourself with info re care agency contact numbers, etc and put your health first. And help yourself to all the treats of MAOW TOWERS- Gin and silent gigolos on tap. Rant away- you are not alone.

Thanks @sandwich. I think a relaxing few days at MAOW Towers sounds just what I need right now. How do I book?

Can i ask a question? I posted eraly on in thism thread about my elderly FIL who had been taken to hospital. He is home now and we have managed to sort out a stop gap in that he is paying to have a hot meal delivered daily and our nephew is staying with him, but only for a short period.

We have had him over to where we live to look at retirement flats he could buy. He is keen to move out of his big house so this isn't a problem. The issue is that he actually wants to move somewhere where he doesn't have to cook at all. He seem to think he can just get a place in a residential care home the same way as you can buy a flat.

What i am after is what the criteria for being assessed for a residential home is? I am pretty certain he comes nowhere near meeting even the lowest rung of this but i need to be able to spell it out for him succinctly. He has had OT's, dieticians etc in his home over the past few weeks and none have even as much as hinted he should be in such a facility.

His issues in a nut shell are:
Impaired mobility - but can get around his home and can get up and down stairs and get himself showered and dressed.
Not eating - but this is better now he is having a hot meal delivered daily. He just has to make breakfast and a snack at tea time.
Social isolation. No family or friends nearby and can't get out by himself. Pays local woman to clean for him and take him for his shopping.

That is it. He is still mentally alert and spends his days reading so no issues there.

I guess after 90 years or so he just wants someone to look after him, i get that, but how do i tell him that he is pretty lucky to still be operating as well as he is and won't be assessed for a residential home?

Hi Apollo My late father decided for himself when he needed to go into a care home. Being self funded, there was no question of any assessment. We contacted the local home on a Wednesday, he refused 'the look around' and moved in on the Friday, we paid the feeds a month in advance.

The only question we were ever asked was whether he could continue to self fund for 'the duration'. They took my word on that and it was all settled.

Appreciate that this is s single experience, it was certainly the smoothest easiest part of the whole business, as long as funds were available.

One alternative to the card home would be live in care. We have had good experiences with a number of different agencies. I gather they are mostly franchises so the experience can depend a lot on how good the local management are

We had good people from country cousins, bluebird and home instead.

Using agencies meant a small number of people on a fortnightly rotation, so holidays etc covered with no effort on our part. We also got used to a few different people being around and could move on any that we didn't tell with faster without fuss.

unicorn welcome along, sorry to hear your situation.

Apollo I think if you pay for yourself, you can go to the appropriate place. In your dad's case it might be somewhere that has a cafe for 3 meals a day. I did have to look at care homes for dad at one point and the ones I spoke with asked for proof of 2 years funds, but dad would have needed full nursing care so that might be different, I don't knoow.

Finallyhere. If he chose to do this then the money he had ran out what would happen? He has a house to sell but that would give at most 3 years worth of care fees. No idea what other savings he might have.

Apollo There are sheltered housing places with on-site restaurant. An expensive way of getting your meals, but may be another option.

Unicorn Welcome! You're not alone. You have to keep reminding yourself that you won't be any good to anyone if you trash your mental health, so never commit to anything you can't keep up happily for 10 years. "Capacity" to make decisions also includes the capacity to make bad decisions, and I would argue that that is nonsense unless it includes living with the results of your decisions. That means standing back and letting her live with the reality of her choices rather than stepping in and making everything all right for her.

"Self absorbed conversation" - something I see spoken about a lot on MN. I had a brainwave with my DF - he spends all day listening to the radio, he does plenty of listening. What he wants to do is talk - and of course his world is rather restricted. It's not that he isn't interested in me and the family, it's just that his need to talk over-rides his interest. What I do is send long emails about our doings, which he reads with interest, and because I understand his need to talk, I can cope with his conversation.

Apollo What pension does he have? Don't forget that in your calculation. It's also possible to buy insurance for care home fees - you give them a large lump sump, the insurance funds care home fees as long as it's needed - a friend did, and his DF responded by dying about 8 months later, so it didn't work out as a good option for them.

Once his mobility declines further he may be able to get attendance allowance or its successor, and this is another source of funds for care home fees - every little helps!