Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

thigh haha! I am neither young nor lovely But I do feel a bit of an anomaly IRL - everyone else my age is dealing with smallish children not decrepit parents. That’s why I’ve been so grateful for the support and silliness on here

No, I mean mum doesn't know things like the difference between a debit card and a credit card. It's not a keeping up thing, it's that she never knew. Surely it's a keeping up thing? Debit and credit cards weren't around when I was young, I can remember "cheque guarantee cards" which morphed into debit cards, and I got my first credit card when I was about 30. So if she hasn't been using both of them, she mightn't be aware of the difference. Or has she been using them both, but without understanding what she was doing - that is concerning.

I don't use on-line banking, or apps like for parking or food delivery or uber, and I can imagine my DS sighing over my lack of knowledge in this area.

but there is a different mentality which I found hard to cope with - we've been with xyz insurance/bank/other service provider for years, of couse they'll give me the best deal.

That dates from when you had a personal relationship with your bank! I'd order some euros, walk into branch, they'd look up and say "hello Mrs Pandiculation, here's your euros" and hand them over.

DF refuses to change fuel supplier because "new supplier will wish to inspect his supply and will Condemn it and he'll be Completely Without Electricity". I accept it as just another cost associated with keeping his peace of mind - it'll cause too much upset and anxiety to attempt to change.

registered mum's death this am - at the local library. it was a weird experience, not horrible or anything, just very very odd. got 8 copies of the death cert, £4 each and another £11 each if you decide you want them after a certain date. every other errand I did this morning went wrong in a very annoying way, so I'm now cleaning the downstairs windows which is satisfying I suppose.

Spent this morning explaining to Council that despite not responding to several letters, DF still lives alone and is entitled to the Single Persons Council Tax Discount, only to be told that if he is diagnosed with Dementia he may be classed as vulnerable and not have to pay ANY Council Tax. Wasn't expecting that!

Bugger, just reminded me I never sent off for a copy of my mum's certificate

Dint - I think most people with dementia would be exempt (Dad is) but the way they assess that can vary a little from council to council. If I recall correctly I had to send off a copy of dad's diagnosis and possibly a copy of his PIP award but that's cos he's under pension age.

re age - I'm 43. I don't feel like I have stoicism for coping with this stuff at all - other stuff, yes. I think if I had been a mum I might be feeling better about it, but as it is, I've never been responsible for anyone (arguably mum isn't a vulnerable adult and I'm not responsible for her now, but I certainly feel it).

She is full of apologies, bless her. She isn't willing for me to take over any bills and pay them online but tbh if she's showing independence and interest, it's probably good to go with that. I will have a proper file of her stuff though - the mess dad left has made her feel strongly that stuff needs to be efficient, at least in a "finding paperwork" sense, so she's all for having sensibly organised paperwork, which is good.

43 - grace you are a mere stripling!! I'm 57, and feeling every single fucking day of it at the moment. I dont think whether you are a mum or not is key to any of this, we are all someone's children and they seem to turn to us - daughters especially. My own daughters seem remarkably keen to send me on a one way trip to Switzerland when I become a complete PITA...

Today is the FOURTH day I have spent waiting for the man to come and take mum's stairlift away. The last 3 times they have simply lied about calling me to say what time they would be there. If they dont come today I'm just going to sell the fucker (assuming there is a market for 2nd hand stairlifts?)

Grace I do think that's good that your mum doesn't just want to relinquish the responsibility to you just yet - shows potential . Something my nan found helpful was that I got her an A5 notebook and wrote all the details of her bills/accounts etc in that - one page for each account. So, for example, there was a page for gas and electric - supplier, account number, customer services phone number, how much it was, whether it was paid by direct debit etc and how often. She just found it useful to have a summary of it all in one little book. We also had a page that said how much money she had coming in and how much going out and therefore how much she could take out in cash for her "housekeeping" expensive cashmere cardigan habit Maybe you could do something like that for your mum whilst you're going through the paperwork - start her off on the right foot?

yolo I say hang on to the the stairlift - I reckon we may need it in the House of MAOW for when we've had too much IV gin.

CabbagePatchCheryl thanks, I will try that!

I agree that it's good mum wants to try it, especially as she has so much anxiety with it...I'm actually quite impressed that she's willing to say "this makes me so anxious I'm going to explode...no wait, I can't just hand it over to you". I think she's being really brave, hence feeling particularly bad about having burst into tears yesterday!

She also won't be going out really - I will go with her to supermarket and errands and stuff, but tbh I can't really see that she will maintain any social life without dad. So she does need to do something and if mastering skills she never had before makes her feel a bit better, that's a good thing.

I just need to gather more patience and understanding I think.

grace you’re doing great - cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to cry and (whisper it) to lose your patience and understanding sometimes! Looking after your mum is a massive thing to take on and don’t forget you’ve been bereaved too. I know you’d said it maybe hasn’t hit you as hard as it did your mum, but that doesn’t negate it. Take care of yourself too

Hi grace212, it's not easy when you left trying to sort out a lot of paperwork and when your mother it seems left everything to your father re banking, paying bills ect. If she wants to learn how to use a computer you should look in the local library as they often do beginners computer courses for the over 50's. I would also look in the library and see if they have any information about local clubs for the over 60's or active retirement clubs. In time you need to encourage your mother to build up a life without your father. Also you don't want to be at her beck and call in a few months or even a year's time.

It very important that you have your own life as your mother is still relatively young. Get her involved in groups and encouraging her to meet new people of around her own age will help her. I have seen older people who have friends, are involved in things and are still interested in the world generaly cope better as they get older. For them the glass is half full not half empty.

Grace look at u3a they have groups for everything. My 85 year old mum goes to loads of them. Knitting poetry history etc

Just need a rant. DM is telling people (whilst turning on tears), that she doesn't know what she's doing Christmas Day and may be alone. Given my DB died this year people are obviously shocked. Trouble is, she's having Christmas with us, as she always does. I know she's an attention seeker (something that already pisses me off), but this has really peeved me as she's making out, and letting people think that I'm a cold, hard daughter to be leaving her DM at Christmas.

I have been told this by her good friend and can't let on that I've been told, so I can't front her about it. So instead, I stew about it and get more peeved!

Did you tell them that every that she HAS been invited and it's a long standing invitation?

And why can't you confront her? Shes obviously quite happy telling people how awful you are!

That's means to be supportive of you so sorry if sounds arsey!!

Hi Elf, the friend who told me is aware of DMs 'versions' of the truth, but others may not be as she can be very convincing. I don't want to get the friend who told me into trouble (she was a witness to the story telling rather than a person on the receiving end of the story).

Communication from DM was quite reasonable and 'normal' today which is always disconcerting as the reasonableness never lasts long!

thanks for suggestions - mum won't go out or join anything, she's not interested. That doesn't worry me though, I'm just conscious that taking over bills and things means taking away something useful that she can learn.

I guess I just have a lot of anxiety right now! on top of my normal anxiety and depression that I have, it feels like a lot, but we will get there!

everydaymum I would have to confront over that. Sorry you're in a tough spot.

everydaymum I find it helps if you stop thinking of an elderly parent as rational adult - it's easier to accept if you regard it in the same way as a small child who is trying out emotions by telling outrageous stories.

It may be that she's forgotten she's Christmasing with you, or since your DB died she's subconsciously worried that you may die too, and she's verbalising this as not knowing where she'll be at Christmas. Or maybe she's just scared of getting old and is seeking reassurance by whatever means she can. The behaviour is bad, but there's a needs driving it, and meeting that need gives the best chance of lessening the behaviour.

Keep reminding her that she's with you at Christmas. And don't let family loyalty get too much in the way - it's OK to say explicitly to friends "of course she's coming to us for Christmas. She's getting confused and you can't believe everything she says". The message will get around.

grace your mum sounds like mine, and she ended up very isolated - it was her own fault actually, every time she went to a group they were 'too old' or 'not my class' (seriously). thing is, I ended up being her sole daily point of human interaction, and that was horribly difficult. I cant remember how old your mum is (sorry) but I would really really encourage her to find an interest - maybe not now, it's too soon perhaps, but in a few months time. maybe you could research some local stuff she might enjoy, or at least give a go?

everyday that sounds tough, I too would have to say something like 'oh mum knows she's coming to us, it's been planned for ages'.

Minor victory today, they actually turned up for the bloody stairlift - sorry MAOW Towers but I just needed to get it out of the garage. 4 days of waiting in for them, and they were miserable gits.

Question : does anyone know how house clearance works? do they pay you or the other way around? do they take books or just furniture? Am assuming that once we have probate and house is sold DB and I take what we want but then there will still be masses of STUFF...

I think it depends on the quality of STUFF. We were quoted over a grand to clear my mum's little bungalow. There was nothing of value and she was a smoker so they couldn't have made any money off anything.

If there's stuff they can then sell on for decent profit I assume they might pay you something?

yolo my understanding is you pay them

lello I am quite horrified at the price to clear a bungalow - I thought it was expensive but not that expensive!

I used the BHF to clear my MILs house when she went into a home. A couple of things were able to be sold in their shop but the rest went into 3 skips. They charged £600 - we told her it was £60!