Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

[gazing wistfully at mental picture of the care home - MAOW Towers?]

I'm thinking individual air-conditioning spouts like on a plane, with a window each as well. Not sure about the IV gin though, I want it to go through my mouth!! The most important thing is the complete battle-axe on the front desk who hoiks her bosom at any attempt by anyone to get in, and stops all phone calls with a 'She's Not Well and Can't Speak To Anyone. Call Again on the Fifth of Never'.

So depressed by seeing Mum yesterday that I've cried off from my exercise class. Of course I should go and would feel better afterwards, but I just can't do it today. She is trying divide and rule on all three of us. She has also now thought of somewhere else to move to. Considering it has taken her two months to not choose an oven, I just don't see how she would ever do another move, but I don't want her to be miserable.

Bluebell yep what thigh says is right - it's death by 1000 cuts, which is why nothing is too trivial here. They might ALL be trivial things but a ton of feathers weighs the same as a ton of bricks. Hope you're feeling ok.

For me when I'm feeling unusually saintly and stoical I find the flip side of all the awful little things is that nice little things can make a big difference. For example - I got off work early today and it was still light when I got home, which inexplicably filled me with joy. And now I've lit every fairy light and candle in the house and am going to consume a large g&t (orally, rather than IV for the mo), a fancy ready meal and two four glasses of red wine.

Annandale i know it's not ideal but can't blame you for skipping your exercise class. Have you got something else nice you can do instead? Sorry you feel depressed

Hot bath instead, also have made some jam tarts for me ds, and your'e right, those small things feel very good. I've got a GP appointment for me on Thursday, it can make me feel much better just to go and see them and be told it's tough but I'm doing OK. I don't think I have treatable depression but I want to check in in case.

it is so hard to be in this position, and none of us ever thought we would be (dont know what we thought would happen, but it wasnt going to be like this was it?)

so I reckon anything any one of us can do to make ourselves feel the tiniest bit better, even for a fleeting moment, has to be the best thing.

and I'm the lucky one now, really, DM's struggle is over. I feel weird, but also much lighter, much less anxious, I can hear the phone ring without my heart beating faster or sinking into my shoes...

BlueBell50 That sounds just like my Dad. Sometimes you have to go against your instincts, stand back and not intervene, so they can prove to themselves they can't cope.

I have just burst into tears and told mum I can't believe how much she doesn't know. I feel bad, but really, dealing with someone who is effectively a child as far as things like finance etc.....omg I cannot believe I'm in this position. Whatever I thought care of an elderly would involve, I genuinely didn't know my mother was this clueless.

Annandale at MAOW Tower the Battle Axe not only protects us but also sends a team of MH professionals / Oldie Wranglers / cleaners / sorters and when it is sorted places a violet cream in our special section - we receive no other signal. I'd like a correct temperature bubble to be all around me and a lot of silent goodwill to gently waft my way if i get the vapours.

I think I love you thigh...

grace its ok to do that dont beat yourself up. You can either take it over and manage it remotely (prob easiest) or attempt to teach her. I did a bit of both tbh - eg when she was going to renew a vastly expensive insurance policy because "we';ve always been with x" I dealt with it, but so couldnt be bothered with gas/lec because they didnt seem that expensive.

I love you too Yolo, and all of you. This thread is a bacon saver.

Grace as Yolo says it'll be too much faff to teach your Mum. She'll forget and balls up the passwords.

I've been doing all M&Ds online financial shizz for years since Dad's sight went and Mum is hopeless with technology. I didn't bother with LPAs or anything just did whatever was required from my own house.

Took Dad to the memory clinic this morning. What a criminal waste of money and a shower of wankers. I said Dad needs his memantine upped to 20. They said 15 first then 20 in a month. I said ok. They said how is his BP i said I don't know why don't you check it? They said you could buy a BP monitor. I said yes, i could. They said does he need a carer, i said yes, they said, you could hire one. They said is he struggling to eat, i said yes, they said you could buy ensure.

Fuck me, i don't care any more. I think I have a medical degree by osmosis now.

Twatwads, yes i will pay for stuff and look after him. What do penniless people without daughters do? Just die i guess.

Had a looooong bath. The Moroccan masseuse is on Groupon so got 2 more sessions for £20 each and an Elemis facial for £21.

grace you'll be the same at her age - there'll be all sorts of things the younger generation handles with ease, but because you've always managed with what you know, you'll find you haven't kept up. DS took me in a uber yesterday - that's something I haven't kept up with.

Yolo, thank you

Thigh, mum doesn't use a computer. I don't really know if taking it all on is a good idea. If she's going to live another ten years then she needs to learn a bit, I think. She thinks that too. She was terribly apologetic and kept saying "I know I'm a problem for you and I'm sorry and I will learn".

I think it will be as Yolo says, some bits I might need to take on completely and other bits to teach.

I just lost it today because although I thought I knew that she was clueless, today she said a couple of things that really concerned me. Then again, I suppose she is trying to learn in the midst of grief so it's going to take time.

As for what people without kids do, dad and I have both done this sort of thing for elderly neighbours, but the stress when it's a parent is completely different. Is the sense of obligation maybe?

Cross post with Dint

No, I mean mum doesn't know things like the difference between a debit card and a credit card. It's not a keeping up thing, it's that she never knew.

dad died at 68, so mum was 66. to be fair to her, she really did learn an awful lot - but she was relatively young. when she moved near us, 20 years ago (so 68) she set up a lot of stuff herself, she found herself a computer man who could control her pc remotely - so if she fucked up on something, like not being able to open an email, he could sort it.

but there is a different mentality which I found hard to cope with - we've been with xyz insurance/bank/other service provider for years, of couse they'll give me the best deal. So I took over some of that stuff because she was being ripped off.

thigh the memory clinic sounds like something you should forget!! but seriously, it sounds rubbish - shouldnt they be more helpful than that?

Yolo they're so lazy at the memory clinic. I haven't been to any others so no idea if any memory clinics aren't shit. There must be several hundred thousand pounds being spent to keep the laziest, crappest bunch of "professionals" in a makework job.

One "nurse" in particular said she couldn't phone Dad's chemist and explain something about his memantine because she didn't have the number. She was desperate to do nothing so i took out my phone and looked it up, dialled it and handed her my phone.

I could do with one of those gigolo massages right now. FIL had his appointment at the cancer centre early last week. He refused to have a family member with him and took someone from the care company. Having told us the cancer has spread to his bones he has now announced there is no problem and he's fine, no further explanation will be forthcoming . Which is great IF it's true. Trouble that is a big if, he has form for lying about his health issues when it suits him. But he can also panic and think he is being told things are bad when they aren't so heaven only knows what is going on.
On top of that I had a disturbing conversation with my mum last night. She called to tell me my feckless youngest brother has a new girlfriend. Absolutely insisted he's only been seeing her a few weeks, but sounded very much like the girl he has been seeing for over 18 months. He even missed a major family event 6 months ago because she was in hospital and he was looking after her kids (nowhere near as feckless as she says). So I checked with his ex wife who confirmed its still the same girlfriend. Last time I visited she insisted my nephew had been married ages, at least 5 years possibly 6. He married August 2016. At least golden boy middle brother is only 5 minutes away from my parents.

Grace I think you need to minimise the scope of what you are teaching your mum. If you get online banking set up on her account, and get all her bills paid by DD from it, she need never know. It's what I did for my mum when she was panicking about sending off cheques for bills. So much easier and 90% of things sorted to happen invisibly to her. I can then pay for any other irregular payments from it as well by bank transfer. What the eye doesn't see...

Thigh I also found the memory clinic to be shit. We went a few times and like you bridled at all the suggestions of all the things i 'could' do. They were more interested in signing her up for experimental trials which would have meant more effort on my part. The Dr who saw her at one point was about 12 years old and fixated on the fact that she's left school at 14, and wanted to explore if that was down to bad behaviour. I had to explain that was the norm for working class kids at that time, while my mum was getting upset at what she felt was a slur on her good name.

Also the questions - yes, she knows the dates of WW2. When asked the name of the current PM, she said she didn't know, but that she explained was down to her lack of interest in politics, which the Dr accepted. What my mum is very good at is fronting out these things with perfectly reasonable explainations as to why she doesn't know what season it is (retired, no longer working) even through a look out of the window would give her an approximate answer, but there is so much cognative dissonance. And the overworked Drs accept her explainations, while I am sitting there suggesting they need to drill down past the defensiveness. So then I am the one that looks barking. (And I always fail the remember the addressfor 5 minutes question).

Nurse Ratched here I come.

Monkey funny thing memory isn't it? Facts and figures re WW2 - cool. What they had for breakfast. - forget it. But, you and me are amateurs and we know that - why don't these professionals? If you don't want to work with oldies, don't!

Gummy is a new manboy these days. He's seeing a psychotherapist and finding it so useful and helpful. He's done that in the past but has finally reached a stage where even he is sick of his behaviour. It's a good job as he was running out of Mum goodwill dollars rapidly. I think the realisation that Dad is not immortal has hit him really hard.

I have a work meeting later - ugh. I need a wooden paddle that says "rearrange these words OFF PISS".

I think it's a blessing that we are the age we are MAOW. Imagine if we were dealing with this crap at 30 - i didn't have the level of stoicism mixed with bolshiness that is required for wrangling.

Country that is so worrying re not knowing what is going on with the cancer. Could you explain to the facility what he's doing and asked to be updated?

Morning all. Good to see gigolo towers coming on nicely!
As you say- what about all the oldies without feisty MAOW?
Calm here( for now) so sending good wishes to everyone in the trenches at the moment. And repeat... we must look after and protect ourselves to be any use to others. cockroach

Morning sandwich pretty chirpy here (so far) it's the caffeine hit.

Annandale i keep chortling insanely to myself at your vision of bosom hoiking Battle Axe and the capitalised "She's Not Well".

I'm Poorly! I'm Not Well!

Bugger ^^ that’s me. Name changed for a different thread and forgot to change back!

cabbage sorry! I assumed we were all of an age. I definitely would have struggled more with this if i were still young and lovely like you