Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

[thesandwich]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

How hard his life is that was. Should have asked him if he was having a bubble. (Bubble bath = laugh) for you non Londoners

thigh we don't know yet, cellulitis is also a good candidate.

afternoon all

Dint, that sounds traumatic all round, do you want an unmumsnetty hug? (do we say that on this board, I always want a hug when on the elderly parent thing).

Thigh amazing job organising everything. Pity your client wasted so much of your time! We nearly sorted out night care for a neighbour - me & dad - but she opted to go to a home which was better for her. She was 95 though.

I'm back home for 2 nights. Still have some anxiety around leaving mum alone but it's so difficult and depressing to be at her place, plus it's not like I can make her grief go away. She's still having massive anxiety about probate etc. I'm hoping after we give the papers to the solicitor she will feel better, but if we get a constant stream of letters after that, I don't know.

She's also massively anxious about changing joint bank accounts just to her name, in case they freeze funds or something. Does anyone have experience of this? Next week we are going to the banks with the death certificate to ask them to change it. Two of her widowed friends have said it was fine and the banks were really helpful and efficient, but poor mum is still panicking.

Honestly, you couldnt make this shit up. On Friday, I got a phonecall from the registrar of deaths, who wanted to check mum's age when she died. 88 I said. Oh I thought it must be wrong he said, somehow someone had written in that she was a baby. Which is horrendously awful but he didnt seem that bothered - suppose they see it all the time. Anyway he's fixed it so shouldnt be a prob for collecting cert on Tues.

DH had another biopsy under GA last Sunday, woke up this morning to say his legs felt 'funny'. To cut a long story short, we had an OOH GP appt (turned out to be our own GP at the hospital) and he is now in the emergency ambulatory unit having all the tests for potential DVT/PE. obs, bloods, ecg, x-ray. Unfortunately because he has cancer clots are quite common (who knew?) and because he is bleeding if it is a clot they will have to very careful if he needs anticoagulants.

Fuck me, it never rains but it pours...

grace thigh dint just hang on in there and remember to breathe.
Un-mumsnetty or not, hugs and kisses to all - we deserve them xxx

oh yolo how bizarre....and what a mare for your DH. I hope he is okay. are you posting from hospital?

Grace, my experience was absolutely painless with the bank - it helped that there wasn't all that much in the accounts, but the bereavement process was completely straightforward as I had an interim death certificate and was married to dh. I may have made an appointment beforehand, but once that happened it all flowed like water.

Same with probate, again we had a very low complication situation as dh didn't have a lot of assets, but tbh I just filled in the online form following the instructions and had to visit the probate office perhaps twice. It was really straightforward.

I wonder if your Mum's GP is any good, mine was wonderful. I also got very good immediate counselling via Cruse, referred to them by my GP (well actually I rang them before the referral), a lovely woman who helped me very much with the initial phase.

This all applies to you too - I hope you are able to benefit from a tiny bit of space to think x

Oh crikey things move fast here!
Dint, hope things are settling.
Grace, look after yourself. As you say you cannot take away your mums grief.
Thigh, hope you got the silent gigolo you wanted!
Yolo, that is awful news about your dh.and as for the registrar- words fail me.
Huge hugs 🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷🍫🍫☕️☕️To everyone-

where do I sign up for the silent gigolo? reminds me of the poster's mum who wanted 'a nice young black man like the lady down the road has'!!

is it just me, or is Silent Gigolo a great name for a nightclub?

Annandale, thank you. I hope it goes as smoothly for us. (I say "us" as I will be taking mum to the bank)!

someone else I know just lost his dad and his mum doesn't even have her own bank account, and they have no idea where the deeds to the house are, so could be a lot worse I guess!

Sounds like there’s a gap in the market for silent gigolos offering massages to the stressed out oldie wranglers!
Yolo, it was my 90+ dm who had designs on hijacking the nice young black male carer Mrs down the road had... latest adventure involved coffee at the cafe at a local gym( nearest within staggering distance of car park) which had a disappointing cake selection....she did try a protein biscuit!

I thought it was your mum nota but didnt want to get it wrong - that one always makes me laugh. did she like the protein biscuit?? sorry the cakes were a disappointment, I expect it was your fault!!

She persevered more than I did! And( everything crossed) at the mo she seems pretty positive! Must be the nice ( but disappointing to her not chatty) acupressure chap who visits her at home! Nearest I could find to a gigolo ....

Grave. I did my dad's probate without a solicitor. No problem. I am also a tax accountant and specialise in inheritance tax and trusts so pm me if I can help

Grace not grave. So sorry Freudian slip

Hope you see the funny side. X

@Wrongwayup

Thanks, I might well take you up on that, much appreciated.

Don't worry, I saw the funny side. I have a very strange sense of humour at the mo!

DH now home, being DH is nothing ever straightforward... some blood test or other is too high, so he has to go back on Monday to have both legs scanned (most people only have the one - well, I mean they only have one leg scanned, obvs most people have two legs!) They 'think' there might be a clot but cant give anticlotting meds due to rectal bleeding. So he is home, with an alarming list of symptoms we need to keep an eye out for. I am working on premise that if any of these turn up it will be an ambo job, hence having or 3.

I also got the LPA without using a solicitor - £80 or someting online, and the 'expert person' doesnt need to be an expert, our neighbour did it for us.

glad your mum doing ok nota

Oh yolo🍷🍷🍷

Mum is the least of my worries atm yolo My DS seems to have been apprenticed to Gummy in the school for stupid choices, and I alternate between worrying and shouting.

Sorry to hear your DH is going through it, hope they can sort this latest issue next week. Mum had some sort of filter fitted in her groin when she developed a clot in her legs, as she couldn't take wafarin, to stop it travelling to her lungs.

'the school for stupid choices' I am sorry but that made me laugh! xxx

Monkey ahem...it's a fee paying school, we've got to pay off these teeth somehow

I'm afraid the Silent Gigolo turned out to be a middle aged Moroccan lady who chatted. But only a little - i think the slack jaw and drool prevented more. I will perfect that look, I'm working on it already. She had magic fingers and an hour passed lickety split.

The rest of MN don't know what they're missing on this thread. They probably think we talk about bedsores and care homes. Well, always.

Protein biscuits? Brand please!

Wtaf Yolo re the death certificate. Can anything else possibly go wrong?

Laughing at the wishful thinking re the "young black man her down the road has".

Dad is getting increasingly patriotic with Flower of Scotland, Scotland the Brave and Danny Boy blasting out of Alexa. He actually shook his fist when singing about Proud Edward's army being forced to "think again" re doing battle with the Scots. That's Edward II at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314. I joined in, there's no hope.

Yolo I'm sorry to hear about your DH. I hope you're all bearing up and get some sleep this weekend.

Sorry about the gigolo thigh! I love the Scottish music stories!
Protein biscuit long confined to bin I am afraid- will check if dm is still munching hers later.
You are right- mn doesn’t know what it’s missing in this cosy corner with big squishy sofas and well stocked fridges/ cupboards of gin/ wine/ coffee/ cake and the occasional cockroach..... and lots of listening ears and hands to hold, and folk who understand and don’t judge when we whisper the unsayable...
☕️☕️to all.

Rant here.

DM collapsed yesterday and is now in hospital. She looks a lot better so it is almost certainly a UTI. DB agreed to go down, which is rare in itself, so was able to hear directly from the doctor once the test results were out.

The bloody doctor, who does not know my mother at all, tells my DB that my mother now needs more care and should be moved to a care home. One short hospital admission for a UTI a year ago, a couple of short courses of antibiotics through the year, again for UTIs, and nothing else...at all. Yes she has virtually no memory, but she is doing fine. Her very sheltered housing have told me when I have needed to increase carer visits and will tell me when her current setting is no longer suitable. She is very happy there. It is generally recognised by the people who know her, that she values her independence and that she would hate a home.

So what is the bloody doctor doing, telling my brother that I am using the wrong approach. (DB also told the carer, who is now worried about losin her job.)

Oh need that’s crap. Good to hear dB showed up but the doctor sounds like he just wants your dm out and is covering his derrière. Creating more hassle for you to sort out and as you say worry for your carer who sounds amazing.
☕️☕️