Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

yolo I am so sorry- the collateral damage caused by these elderlies on families is shocking.
Your dm is a master manipulator. And you have handled the bulk of the grunt work and the saying no you can’t to her....... they must be feeling the strain- and the prospect of your dm moving near them.......
🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫☕️☕️
And light.... my dm was cheerfully telling me over coffee about a 117 year old....... I felt myself going white......... 🌺🌺🌺 cockroaches and crustaceans to alll.......

Yolo

Dont get into an argument about who is doing more with your sil , its a shame they are moving her an hour away
I have been told that diferent people cope with things in a different way however this does not excuse sending shitty emails
its tough but just try and be the better person

117! Strewth.

I'm going away with DM and DSis for a long weekend. I'm trying to think positive.., the weather will be a bit like here, we're in a spa hotel and the architecture is supposed to be great. So lots of good things to think about. Forget the flight, don't think about three people sharing a room,

And there is always chocolate.

Hello all and welcome to the newbies and those returning to the fold.

As always, there’s so much here I relate to. KBO everyone!

If it's any help to anyone I've done all the POA procedures, liaison with LA home carers, and the whole move to care home, so feel free to ask if you think I may be useful.

I just feel really really bruised now. I thought we were all on the same page but apparently not.

My nieces and nephew (all in their 30s) are disgusted by me because I dont pull my punches about DM's behaviour. Apparently one cried and one had to have a shower after their last visit - funny, they seemed to enjoy the hospitality on offer well enough.

DB is insulted because at least 10 years agp DM made me go round the house with her - after he had done the same thing - and write down what things I wanted eventually. There were only a few things I wanted, but everything I said I wasnt sure about she said 'oh you must have it, DB doesnt want it'. Then she started stressing about the crockery and the appliances, and as his children were all then approaching setting up homes I said perhaps they would like the stuff - which is a lot bloody kinder than saying 'no mum I'll get a house clearance firm in'. This is apparently 'giving all the tat to your brother' according to SIL.

And finally - I have a drinking problem and really need to sort it out.

I have replied very calmly pointing out actual facts where I can and told her to mind her own business about my drinking.

yolo

I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug.

repeating myself, but even as someone who feels responsible for their olds, in your position I think I'd be distancing myself. easier said than done I know.

Previous posters who said I'd have trouble getting parents to sort LPA - you were right. On this admission to hospital, dad initially agreed to look at it but now he's home, still very ill, he says no.

mum doesn't want to do it either.

they are completely resistant to basic facts at the moment. I have said to them that neither my sister nor I will be able to do anything if they are both ill at the same time for example, and I got told "things don't happen that way".

I think they are both in complete denial about what life can be like at this point. They spent years telling me they didn't want to reach old age but I hadn't realised it would involve total denial of all the possibilities.

my mother also seems to think the DNR dad signed in hospital is now universally applied so if a paramedic turns up at the house, they will know dad is DNR!

@thesandwich "the collateral damage caused by these elderlies on families is shocking"

thank you for phrasing it like this. It really is shocking.

yolo we had similar happenings in our family years ago.
My late father was one of five children. Their dad died in middle age and his mother remarried many times (once the children were adults).
After her fifth husband died she remained single and became frailer.
The older two of the children suggested that "mother would be better living with someone from the family, than managing on her own" but declined to put her up, suggesting that care should either fall to the only daughter, or to one of the two younger sons. At the time, all of them had young children and it wasn't feasible.
The three younger children suggested a care home/package which put the older ones noses out of joint. They refused to pay for anything and I honestly don't know what happened other than nobody spoke to anyone for about 20 years.

Similar with my Grandfathers' mother. Many children and they'd got along quite well in adulthood. When the mother became ill there were endless rows about who should or could look after her, who'd do the cooking, who'd do the cleaning...and those who did the most were the most resented. Allegedly one of those who was unpleasant to the others had a house key and pretty much cleared out all the valuables when their mother died "because she was going to leave it to me anyway." With no will in place, and nobody able to afford legal action there was another massive falling out.

lighthouse I totally understand your fear that they will not die, but they will carry on. I feel exactly the same.

No word from DB or SIL tonight; I assume they have phoned hospital and discovered she has been moved to nursing home. I'm not phoning them. Dont even know if DB is aware of the emails.

FWIW nursing home seems to be very efficient, promise of physio/exercises 5 days a week, food looked and smelt nice. People were nice too, and they are quite strict about insisting residents get up for breakfast and come downstairs and mingle - this will be good for DM as no excuse to say everyone hates her... all the other residents seemed very jolly actually.

yolo

Its a good thing that they are getting everyone up for breakfast rather than the pyjama paralysis that seems to be prevalent in the hospital that treated Dad initially

Just carry on your your path if others cannot follow your example doesnt mean that you should make allowances for them

Lighthouse that's actually right about the DNAR applying across the board. It's possible to put the slip at the bottom of the form into a special tub and into the fridge, and then to have a sticker on the door that paramedics will recognise so if tgey get called they will do everything short of CPR. Not sure where the tub and sticker come from, but will google.

Annandale
Thank you
Unfortunately I wasn't there when the DNR was signed and mum didn't get a copy.

I spoke to my dad on the phone and nearly cried after. He sounds so weak, he can barely talk. I'm seeing him tomorrow and of course I will keep up a front. But what a terrible way to live.

Oh lighthouse
I would ring the gp practice - they could do another one or maybe get a copy from the hospital?

Annandale, I said that to my mum but she won't hear of it

I think she probably didn't want him to sign it really.

If he asks my advice, I'll give it honestly but I think I just have to accept they do not really want to talk about it or about LPA etc.

🌺🌺light
yolo sounds like nursing home could help your dm- is it a rehab place rather than long stay? Fil was in a great one- different atmosphere than most homes because they were focusing on improving mobility / going home. 🌺🌺🌺🌺for you too.
Thanks all for dnr info.... one to broach with dm

Am I ok to offload a bit on here? I feel like my anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment. I don't even know where to start.

Mum has had parkinsons 18 years. 71 yo and widowed one year so dealing with her ongoing grief and loneliness on top of the fluctuating nature of the disease.

She's had a terrible year. Her decline has been so rapid that I now fear for her safety. She's been having hallucinations, dreadful stiffness and freezing and the most awful pain in her ankles accompanied by her feet feeling either too hot or freezing.

Tonight she cried and for the 2nd time this week said she was going to kill herself as she just can't carry on. It's the pain in her ankles which sends her over the edge I think.

In the past 7 days we have just so happened to have seen the parkinsons nurse (for 1st time in 2 years though), her neurologist, who reduced one of the drugs to try and eradicate her visions of 'the others' and her GP. But no one can seem to help her with the ankle pain and I don't know where to go. It's consuming me and making me feel ill. I work and have a family of my own. A brother who lives 3 hours away and a sister who lives in the states so I am pretty much left to sort it all out on my own. Mum relies on me for so much and I'm happy to do it for her but I can't be there all the time. She came to stay at my house last weekend for some respite but couldn't settle in the bed so at 10pm we had to take her back home.

Trouble is when she's bad she's practically disabled and needs (IMO) to be in a supported environment (which she says she does not want to go into) and other times she's fine and I've popped over to find her cutting her lawn! It's the unpredictability of it all that does my head in. I can lie awake half the night worrying about her.

Please give me a hand hold as I'm feeling pretty depressed and overwhelmed with it all at the moment

Blueglasses that sounds terrifying.

Did the neurologist have anything at all to say about the ankle pain? Has there been a referral to physio?

The ‘tub in the fridge/freezer’ for the paramedics is generally available for free from a local chemist. They’re supplied by (I think) the local Lions group.

@Annandale she's been prescribed pregalaline for the pain but just one tablet a day at night time. I don't think it's enough. Last night I found her stuck in the toilet as her ankles had locked and she couldn't walk. It's very distressing for her. And me. Today I'm going to phone social services

Lighthouse

The DNR form that Dad has has got three copies as it is a triplicate form

I would speak to the GP and explain the situation

Really hope social services can help. If you can face yet another call i would also talk to the Parkinsons nurse again.

blue 🌺🌺 no advice to add except do not neglect your own health. A rule here is you can’t run on an empty tank.

blue that sounds so stressful for you and your mum. Yes to SS, even if they put carers in 3x a day it would help. One of the things I found the hardest was being the carer/cleaner/cook rather than the daughter.

SIL has apologised - sort of. She no longer wants anything to do with me or my family; has said will not be involved again. DB said her email was misjudged and illtimed and he is cross with her. I've always loved her but wont be treated like this. So I dont know...

I have a relative in a home with advanced Parkinsons - she doesn't recognise anyone now. Hate to say it but the only way is down with that particular disease and full nursing care is usually required. Best to talk it through with her and form a plan.