Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Blue I hope you get a solution. I am so feeling for you and the whole anxiety thing.

Billy - thanks. I don't have any POA. the GP won't know who I am and my parents don't want to discuss it further so I just have to leave it. They got quite upset when I said we ought to have a copy.

Yolo that's miserable. Sounds like an incredibly unhelpful reaction to what your dm os putting everyone through, but no idea why you are supposed to deal with it!

I have a big breach with my bil at the moment. I am so angry with him and so hurt i just have to leave it for ever a few months. We should be able to support each other but we can't.

lighthouse the next time he goes into hospital it might be worth asking the staff to raise the DNR issue? I got them to do with DM and it is now signed and in place. Re POA, you can go on line and register for it even without their consent - costs about £80. then obviously you have to get them to sign it, and get it witnessed etc, but we found with DM that once the paperwork was in front of her, and it wasnt to do with her will but just that eg I could speak to the council tax people on her behalf she was ok with it. Good luck.

Annan so sorry you are in the same situation, it's crap. I am very hurt actually but wont engage with SIL further now, at her request. DB has still not been in touch with me, so he is either fuming or afraid of what he will say or what I might say.

Off to hit the road for an hour, visit, back home for another hour in the car!! Hoping not to go tomorrow, but will have to see how she is.

Lighthouse

anyone can speak to the gp to express a view without authority I had to do this with my stepmother to raise concerns and give them information prior to a visit about dementia as my Dad was trying to do all of the caring for her at the time , they did listen , they are not obliged to give any details back to you tho

I would get the poa forms printed set up and ready so if an opportunity presents itself you havent got to faf about

It seems nuts that all of these important conversations are not had a lot earlier in life before anyone even gets to the point of needing it

I haven't got regular WiFi, but will catch up when I can.

I am in a stunning hotel in a stunning city. I totally recommend Grand Poet Hotel in Riga. We got it through last minute.com, very reasonable. Via Trivago.

Beautiful room, beautiful spa, just lovely.

It would be lovelier if I wasn't here with DM, but heyho! she was embarrassing on the flight- I was just pleased we were in the assistance system, so they may have thought she had dementia.

Flowers to all! Hope it's going ok ish!

that sounds lovely pickle and please regale us with the embarassment!! (sp?) when you next have wifi.

DM has been very delusional the last 24 hours. she spent the night trying to get out of bed and insisting she was Diana Princess of Wales. They eventually had to lower the bed to the floor and had someone sit with her most of the night. She spent the morning (in the lounge) shouting out that Princes William, Harry and Andrew (!) would help her or that Camilla should know she was there. Feel so sorry for the other residents. When I got there she screamed in delight at seeing me, and then demanded I take her home there and then, or that I phone the Sacred Heart convent, or her private doctor who 'would like to see me as a friend'. Think I got cut out of the will in the space of an hour and a quarter. Discovered they hadnt given her anything for anxiety, so got them to give that as she will never settle without it. Spoken to DB 3 times today; no evidence that he will ever say anything about SIL's actions.

Planning at the moment to go Sat and Sun as cant go Mon but will phone home in the morning to see how she is. Bluntly, if she is as confused as today she wont remember if I pitch up anyway...

sandwich I got your lovely msg, thank you, just need to work out how to reply.

cockroach and all round.

She is hilarious yolo. At least she is for us but then we are at a safe distance!

how does that song go? "at a distaaaaance"

bugger, wish I could edit: got cut out of the will at least three times in an hour and a quarter. As no one can find the paperwork re her will I dont suppose it really matters anyway!!

Feeling so much better after a session in the spa, two cocktails and a dark Latvian beer....

Yolo, perhaps a suit of armour or exoskeleton required...... maybe boadecia’s chariot? As you say, phone tomorrow and recharge your batteries. Protect yourself.
🍷🍷and🌺🌺 to all.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. I've spent whole day very weepy but realised that today is also a year since my dad's funeral.

Went over to mums after work and she was as bright as a button today. Upbeat and relatively happy as she had had no pain in her ankles. Tomorrow is a new day and though I've no plans to see her until Sunday I will wait and see how the weekend unfolds.

to everyone else having a shit time of it at the moment too xx

Dark Latvian you say pickle???? Enjoy!!!!

just the two cocktails and one dark Latvian beer pickle get in there!!!
glad your mum a bit brighter blue long may it last.

yolofish

If you are able to spend a day at home and let the staff at home do their job I know you will not at ease but it may help to step back for a day

You are in a really tough place x

yolo, I'm with Billy - if you can take a day off, I really would.

pickle's statement at the start of this, about it being a marathon, has been really useful to me.

I had an eye opening visit to the folks yesterday. I realised that they are interpreting offers of help differently than intended. It's a 90 minute journey there (min). They have refused carer help, I do understand why. So I was imagining helping out with jobs round the house.

but it's a bit more trivial than that and some stuff I could have sorted from home e.g. shopping. Also dad pays bills over the counter, which I can't fathom, so rather than just giving mum a cheque or asking me to make a call, he wanted me to go to the bank (doesn't sound a big deal but when you have a min 90 minute journey + walk from station, to be sent out again in wind and rain because someone doesn't believe in bunging a cheque in the post?!)

so I said to them, you need to really think about how you do things.

I appreciate they might get confused paying a bill over the phone and do it wrong, but that's why they should be asking me to do that.

I think what I'm saying is, I'm rather annoyed that "help" means "doing things exactly the way I did them". As long as the damn bill is paid, what does it matter?

there was also "My friend sent this photo on email and I can't open the attachment" - not the sort of thing I expect to do a long trip for.

I swing between feeling very sorry for dad and then just very irritated.

Billy, you are right it's bizarre people don't talk about this. My parents have nearly died several times and refused to talk about LPA. The only time they talked about seriously when was I had a major spinal injury in my 30s and I wanted to be sure no one was ever stuck trying to deal with me (I missed death by a couple of inches).

but even after that, their ultimate choice was "bury head in sand".

Have only just found this thread so haven't read everyone's experiences.

I am trying to care for my father in law, we have home help coming in twice a day as he plays silly buggers with his meds so they make sure he takes it. We do everything else in terms of cleaning and washing etc.

My issue is, he has decided he is "getting better" (other than old age and dodgy knees he is fine) so refuses to wear his hearing aids and tries to not wear his glasses. This means he can't hear a bloody word anyone is saying and keeps falling as he doesn't see where he is going. He has worn glasses since being a young boy.

He gave up his car about 18 months ago after a precarious near miss with a bus. He has now decided he is fine to drive and wants to buy a new car.

How do I nicely point out he needs to wear his hearing aods/glasses and that there is no way in hell he is getting a car?

More delusions overnight/this morning. The press have discovered where she is (tallies with the fact she told me yesterday apropos of nothing that "that man is a journalist"). Home calling out of hours GP to see whether antibiotics needed - we've been here before... not decided yet if I will go to see her today, it seems cruel to turn up, have her think she is being 'rescued' and then go away again.

I wouldn't yolo. Not as if you're getting a day off, but at least a break from driving.
W
Wheres, that's a bit frightening! I often wonder if car dealers find a way to put people off if they come to them. But so many other ways to buy...

Maybe try glasses on a string round his neck? It may be partly the sheer difficulty of keeping track of them that is putting him off?

Hi all. Lighthouse, I really sympathise as dm wants things exactly as they were- helps her feel in control. She agreed to have a new boiler last year finally and moaned about it ever since. Until she got a £300 cheque back from the energy company. They don’t value our time. Would direct debits work?
Where’s we got the local community police officer to pop in on mil to say she could no longer drive. Men in uniforms work wonders.
Yolo I hope you stay home- you need a break.
cockroach all!

@thesandwich

No, they don't want to do direct debits. They are beyond old fashioned.

It has come as a surprise to me. I've always thought that I'd be happy to help when they needed it but I didn't realise they would want to do things the way they do them, when it's been delegated to someone else.

I'm thinking as long as they are so determined to do things like that, they will have to battle on. Mum can just about walk to the Post Office and pay bills. The other thing they won't do is allocate any tasks efficiently or sensibly, they've been like this all their lives.

They're a very particular type. No hobbies or interests through their lives, so actually the stuff of chores has always been stuff they use as a time filler. After retiring all they did was whine about boredom. So now if it takes an hour to hmm and haw over a bill, it occupies them.

I found yesterday that my mother has never even read a gas or electricity meter. I vaguely recall when I lived alone in my 20s, she was alarmed about this kind of thing, but in interim years I thought she'd become a properly functioning adult. Apparently not.

Lighthouse I used to have similar re bill payments with elderly relatives (one of whom has since died). They banked in one area, but lived in another so any bill payments would necessitate a day out by bus getting to the bank, making copious notes on every imagineable scrap of paper and then filing away hard copy statements of everything.
When help was offered it was initially the same - wanting us to go to the bank/go with them to pay in. After several months of realising it was not practical (I live nowhere nearby) they switched to postal banking, and eventually internet. I had third party access so could actually manage things, set up direct debits and so forth.
It was hellish.
It also didn't help that it was the husband who did all the business matters, all the bills, all the financial stuff. So when he became ill and then died, the wife had absolutely no idea of how to manage any of it.

As for the driving, I think you can 'tip off' the DVLA but I'm not sure.

Does anyone mind if I join you all?

My lovely, sweet and placid old dad (87) has rapidly deteriorated physically and mentally in the last 6 weeks or so, and we have about half a dozen working hypotheses as to what might be going on.

At the beginning of August, it was within his capabilities to drive to town, do a Waitrose shop, walk to WH Smiths/the bank with just a stick and then drive home. Now, he can barely walk from the bed to the ensuite with a zimmer frame, and he can't differentiate between the TV remote and his mobile phone, or put his trousers on the right way round. Nor can he make a cup of tea anymore.

There's much more, but is this to be expected at this sort of age? Or has something catastrophic happened that we're unaware of? All the docs seem to say conflicting things.

dearGod I am no expert, but that sounds like such a sudden deterioriation that it must have a root cause other than just old age, surely? Have they checked him for neurological issues? Is he hydrated enough? (old people often don't drink enough, and then display symptoms similar to dementia as a consequence of something as simple as a UTI due to dehydration).