Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Evening all.
Oh yolo you had me howling with your dm’s Views on carers...... dm is very much the same, views on race which seem not to apply to the Asian male consultants who have her simpering...... and she was v jealous of Mrs whatsit down the road who has a nice young black male carer........
Glad you are managing to stall future options.
Hmmm Russians.... that would be interesting for dm......

Thanks for your advice @yolofish

I couldn't get through to my parents' GP in the Monday morning appointments rush so I called social services. They were brilliant, triaged my parents as high risk and a social worker will visit tomorrow. Hopefully this will get them both some respite care.

So sorry, I just need to splurge for a minute. DM has lived 2 mins away from us for 17 years. For the first 7 years she did one afternoon a week of child care (DDs were then 4 and 2), and she did my ironing. She wanted to. We shared mutual dog walking/dog sitting needs. For the last 10 years I have visited virtually daily, gradually taking on more and more responsibility for her life - lifts, shopping, organising, facilitating etc.

So on a whim she wants to drop all that to go and live near my saintly brother because they are much kinder than me and 3 of their children are grown adults and live in the same area. So she could have daily visits from any one of 5 or 6 people, and that's much more interesting and entertaining. Plus her great grand children too.

Sorry but I feel dumped again, like I did at 10 years old at boarding school. Like I've been good enough all this time, but now I am not enough... and my DDs are at uni so only around in hols. that all sounds so bitter and twisted, but I do feel dumped. I dont really care as long as she is not in pain and is looked after, but actually she's also putting another load on me, which is to do a 400 mile round trip to see her.

sandwich I do remember your DM's penchant for a nice young black male carer!!

glide that's good news, lets hope they can get something in place asap

Reading it back, calling SS for SS support should have been obvious but I just needed someone to point it out. I've been through my call history and I've made over 70 calls to my parents or various agencies about them in the past three days which may explain the brain fog!

Yolo sorry not much time for full reply but didn't want to just leave it.
As you know I had a very difficult relationship with DM to the point where she died with many things never resolved between us. I have had a lot of support etc to try to deal with my constant feeling of never being enough and the consequential idea that therefore no one could really love me. I have learnt that I'm not grieving the person I lost but the relationship I never had. I have tackled so many emotions since she died that I had buried deep while I was busy coping with her.
You are enough, you have to rely on your own family and friends and let them show you how special and needed you are to them. X x

It sounds really gruelling Espresso. Look after yourself.

My father is likely to behave in a similar way as he gets more frail. He is already being very stubborn regarding sticks and walking aids.

yolo I am so sorry you feel like this. After everything you have done and what it has cost you in terms of family time etc- and now with dc back off to uni with so many things you didn’t get to do with them.
Sounds like an avalanche of emotions has hit you now. It’s c£#@.
No wonder you feel dumped. whatever is very wise- it is the relationships we should have had we mourn.
This also sounds like dms pipe dream too..... so please take some time to look after yourself while. Vent away here but also make time for support for you.🌺🌺🌺
glide hope ss can help. cockroach all.

Cross posts expresso 🌺🌺. Does your df have carers at all? Referred to falls team? Is there someone- gp etc who he would listen to?
All i can say is protect yourself. This is a marathon you need something in the tank and your family need you. You might need to get tough on this one, but for now big hug from a stranger.

Hello all.

Haven't been here much recently and am currently somewhere warm, building up my teflon for the usual winter dramas .

This thread is such a great resource if wisdom and experience.

So sorry to hear all your updates, especially ypurs yolo. I completely get it.

cockroaches all.

Having gone through this experience with Dad I certainly feel more prepared to go through it with my partners parents who will no doubt be in a similar position in a few years

Dad ( Lazarus ) has been sitting up in his bed this morning ,quite chatty and lucid asking if he could have ice cream for lunch , the care home has said he can have wtf he likes at this stage , he has been 4 and a half weeks on just sipping water and the odd whiskey

So today she is declared 'medically fit' for discharge to a NHS nursing home for more rest, rehab and physio (which was non-existent in the last one).

We dont have any choice where she goes - fair enough, understand it will be where there is a bed - closest one is 30 mins drive, next one is 60 mins drive and the other option 90 mins drive. Fingers xd for the 30 mins drive one.

She cannot understand that a private home will not take her until she has been through the next stage - 8 weeks - in a place she will undoubtedly hate. This is because private homes, even the most expensive, wont take patients until NHS have signed them off due to their own insurance policies. I quite understand that - they need nice, compliant, unlikely to fall over patients in order to maximise their income.

On the bright side, we did manage to get her to sign POA today.

billys had to laugh at Lazarus!! hope he liked his ice cream.

Hello banhammer and love the Lazarus comment!
yolo everything crossed you get the closer one, and your dm gets the physio she needs.
It’s so hard having to be the one to say no you can’t and this is how it is......
cockroach to you all.

Yeah my dad had a load of falls as a result of refusing to use walking frame - broke his hip in the end. He’s the loveliest man and we all tried to persuade him but the frame was a line he wasn’t prepared to cross.

Bless you all! I'm alternately laughing and crying about your stories! It goes to show what a crap time women of colour get- sexism and racism from the older generation.

This is so familiar (again!) playing favourites, etc. Personally I try hard to be completely emotionally independent from her- it's too risky to care. If she dumps me, I give a wry internal smile and plan how to enjoy my freed up time.

Yolo, have you considered simply telling her you' just can't.' And then not. So don't visit more than once a week, in the new place. Don't go down to her eventual house unless you want to see DB and Sil.

She is there because of her own choices not to have a carer, not to comply with her support.

To be honest, teflon isn't cutting it any more. You need a big tough ol' lobster shell!

for everyone, cos it's sounding rough out there!

I also watch my Dad holding furniture to stay upright. Life is cruel and takes you right back to the time you were learning to walk as a baby.

He has got to the point where it hurts to move. Impossible.

DM being moved to nursing home tonight. Unfortunately motorway crash means she is held up.

Bad news: it's the one an hour's drive away; it has 2 brillant and 2 shit reviews on t'internet. (guess which one DM will be giving?)

Good news: the route means I can visit M&S to pick up 'little delicious bits' for her, plus I also pass the massive Iceland and our freezer is empty. And a massive Sainsbos so I can restock my designer wardrobe.

And in other good news: I have managed to book myself a cut and colour for Monday (both much needed) and an eye test for Thursday. Both these things will make 2 hours driving virtually impossible both those days...

DM's latest plan: DB and SIL sell their house, she sells hers and they all move in together. DB does not know this... I did say I thought it might not work very well.

and cockroach to all

yolo sorry it’s the distant option...... and Glad you can find things on the way to make it slightly more bearable. As pickle says, her actions took her there. And nod and smile re the house plan.........
Brilliant that you are making self care a priority.
Pickle, look after yourself too. And lobsters, crustaceans and cockroaches all round!

Just had a really horrible email from my SIL, basically saying what a crap person I am and that I should spend more than 30 mins a time visiting mum. There was a lot of other stuff too. Really upset me and pissed me off. I've sent one back trying to clarify a few things. The real reason I can only cope with 30 mins at a time is because by withdrawing I prevent myself from saying what I really think about some of mum's actions to me - and if I said them I would destroy her.

Yolo! Oh no! Maybe she is starting to feel the pressure too. She's perhaps feeling protective of your DB.

But- you've held it together for years, you can't keep it up indefinitely.

I've started being a bit more open about the problems with my Mum. I find being honest with myself, as well as other people, makes it easier to accept.

hugs all round, folks.

Yolo, I'm so sorry to hear that. tbh I was also wondering why you would travel 400 miles to see your mum if she moved. If my folks moved 400 miles, even to be near another sibling, that's the point where I'd simply say "nope, can't do it any more".

And I say this as someone who is really struggling to let go of any responsibility for the aged ps, (as my colleagues call them).

I suspect your SIL email might be the result of your DM talking shite at everyone all the time - eventually people start to absorb stuff rather than realise it's rubbish? Could that be it?

I really feel for you.

oh speaking of honesty

I had a very nice chat with a friend I've not seen for a while. She came over bearing flowers, and...I can't explain how she did this exactly, but she made it clear that she understands what my biggest fear is.

everyone else is treating me like my fear is of my parents dying. It isn't. My fear is more about - what if they live to be 100 and deteriorate etc etc. I take it day by day but my fear is more years of this. Even 90 looks perfectly realistic, and I find that hard to take. (they are 80).

Great place to offload.
Not a parent (both deceased) but an elderly relative. Although she is now in full-time residential care, it's still exhausting & confusing when we visit.
We don't live nearby, so visit every other week. Every visit we get a heavy guilt trip but with a spoonful of "I don't mean to complain". Alzheimer's is gradually taking her, so conversations derail frequently, and anyone within 20ft of where we're sitting is a potential threat.
It's great that she has help and support & round the clock care, but there is little support that I know if for the families who are dealing with the effects of someone slowly failing a little more each day.
Each visit it takes longer for her to recognise us, and more frequently she forgets we've been in.
Now I need to sell her home to continue funding the care.
30 years of memories being sorted into 'keep' or 'bin'. And I can't ask her because she doesn't remember the house.
Last week she told me that everyone had to have eye tests and ear tests. This ties in with the regular checkups on residents and she is happy to have these
Then she gripped my arm and was whispering that 'they are bringing all children that don't have mother's or father's and putting them with people..' No idea what that related to but it seemed that she thought she was being moved.

Sorry, I realise I'm in a more fortunate position than many, but it's still exhausting & upsetting.