Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Just wondering how many people here have been following this thread over in AIBU: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3403259-to-expect-DM-70-to-sort-out-her-affairs?pg=1

I’m shocked by the number of people who think discussing Wills and LPAs is distasteful.

cave I was on that thread and find it completely bizarre that people think it is not only distasteful but also moneygrabbing, or 'telling your older person what to do'. I think sorting out your affairs is absolutely the best present you can give those who survive you; DH and I are going to do ours, and we will ask PIL to do the same (they wont, despite fact that FIL is same age as my DM - but then it will be down to DH and the golden sister to sort it)

FIL was given 2-5 days to live 3 weeks ago, hes still here thankfully. He seemed to rally, bit now he seems to be getting back to that stage again, so got to see how it pans out.

yolofish and also

@yolofish I am sorry, it must be incredibly difficult for you with the mix of emotions. Raise a glass of wine to her and I hope you are soon able to remember her before she became like she was at the end. 

Well it all came to a head tonight, in short DF asked me to take car back to 1st unscrupulous bastard mechanic dad insists on using, who said £1900, this is because yesterday our nice mechanic we asked for a second opinion, said yes could have work done but wouldn't give quote or take job as chassis damage would make any repair unreliable and he wouldn't pass it on any future MOT if it were taken to him.

DF initially agreed to scrap car, but today changed his mind, wants unscrupulous to do the work and for me to arrange it .

In no uncertain terms I told him I wouldn't be complicit in his stupidity. He shouted "you will do as I tell you". I told him I bloody well won't and that if he carried on I'd report him to the DVLA myself!

I also said that I want no part of him still driving unless he has an independent driving assessment which I would help him arrange.
DP reminded him that if he didn't tell the insurers for his next car about his crash it would invalidate his policy. Here's hoping it pushes the premium so high it will put him off .

He then asked about shopping, he accepted without any obvious sulking that I would not be free until after school run and dog walk tomorrow and if it was needed tonight that he called his other children.

Tomorrow lunch time is fine apparently .

Baby steps eh?

Baby steps indeed bibbity, well done for drawing a couple of lines there. It makes things easier than trying to do everything, especially when some of the things are suspect, at best! Let some of the siblings pick up some slack.

I saw that thread about wills, etc. My DB didn't like the idea of us having POA for DM, but then he wasn't the one trying to find where she'd hidden the bills so that they could be paid. DM has forgotten that I have it, so I just merrily get on with making sure everything gets paid via her online banking, and she is none the wiser. I think unless you've walked a mile in our shoes, you don't get to judge the hell that is trying to deal with beaurocracy with no authority.

I certainly wouldn't want to put my kids through the stress of having to do all this on my behalf if I'd lost capacity.

good on you bibbity I hope that brings him to his senses. Think I am going to bed very soon, not to sleep I dont think, but just to lie down quietly... stupid phonecalls today with lots of 'bodies', actually most of them were great and I was very touched that the GP surgery called to offer me as much help as possible.

I need to get mum's address book so I can call/email people that I possibly dont have contact for. However, it is very unusual apparently to give out the patient's stuff without a death cert, which could take some time because mum died so suddenly and unexpectedly (not sure if there will be a pm, but because we have chosen crem it needs 2 docs to sign death cert, and there will be a 'conversation' with coroner before cert can be issued. Tbh, if someone had given her a drop too much morphine and thus ended her suffering I would actually be buying them a drink, not prosecuting them).

Anyway, its all hoops to jump through, and its knackering. In honour of my mother, who was a feisty old bat, very often infuriating, but independent for as long as she could possibly be, I raise a toast: cockroach, and for all of you in the same, very laden, boat I wish you all nothing but peace, love, harmony and maybe some breakthroughs and a rest along the way.

yolofish A toast to your mum .
I hope you get some rest. I don't have any advice about dealing with the affairs after death as I was in university when by DM died, my DF and uncle did the paperwork.
I can only say be kind to yourself.

Yolo I’m so sorry.

@yolofish my most sincere condolences. I've been lurking on the thread for a long time so feel that I "know" you and your mum's story, if that makes sense.
I'll share my story with you all one of these days but just felt I had to pass on my condolences.

🍷 to you and yours. Hope you manage some rest tonight to help you face the coming days, weeks and months x

Oh yolo so sorry. Cockroach indeed to your mum and to you. I think it is always a shock even when it's very much not. My nan died this time last year and the process - days of sitting at her bedside - seemed interminable. And then she went all of a sudden, half an hour after we'd dashed out to get some food. When we got the call we were completely shocked. I know what you mean about not grieving the person she'd become - my nan's end was awful and for a little while it was all we could remember when we thought of her but truly after a short while it fades because it was just a tiny moment in the scheme of a much bigger and richer life.

Bibbity - good for you for being more assertive with your DF. Something I've found helpful with my dad is just not to give reasons when I'm saying no. It feels really unnatural but when he's doing his slightly wheedling, guilt-trippy thing of "so... might I possibly see you on Saturday?" (for example), I don't say "oh no I can't because I'm working going to go insane if I have to spend five more minutes with you ", I just say "no I won't be seeing you on Saturday". Oddly, he rarely says "why not?" and if it's a plain old no, he hasn't got anything to argue/negotiate with, whereas he'll try and pick holes in my excuses if I give them.

yolo I raise a glass to you and your dm. 🍷🍷 cockroach to you and wishing you some rest. Take all the help you are given.
Bibety, well done- small steps, but boundaries are essential.

@Yolofish I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope your mum has found the peace she deserves Please take care of yourself over the coming months.

Ah @yolofish... I'm sorry.

Sending lots of and your way yolo - sorry for your loss, but hopefully now some well deserved peace, for her and for you. Take it easy, no doubt you'll be hit with all sorts of emotions, from grief to relief.

If you're lucky the practical side of things won't be too much of a problem. The hospital or coroner etc should issue you with a temporary death certificate which allows you to still make all the arrangements. My mum had a PM but it was all very quick and we had the funeral 2 weeks after she passed away, the funeral director did all the liasing with the coroner, no delay to us.

Even if it goes to an inquest it doesn't necessarily make things any more difficult. Mum died in May, and her inquest is actually tomorrow morning.

@yolofish
Exactly what MrsJMartin says. I'm also a long time lurker with a tale to tell but now is not the time.
Just sending you and your family hugs across the ether and hope you've managed to get some rest💐

Well done bibbity. And cabbage has it right - no explanations - I learnt that with my teenagers.

I too have read the Wills/LPA/affairs in order page. Fair enough for the first two, but I'm not going to live in a half empty house for the next 20 years to make things easier for the children. But I am writing a list of everything in the house and whether it has financial or sentimental value - it's up to them what to do with their great-great-grandmother's cheap string of beads, but at least they'll have the information to make the decision.

dint what I have done with mum's house (been clearing for about 2 weeks so it could go on the market for care home fees) is:

• got rid of all absolute junk, broken things
• old towels, old clothes etc gone into the textiles bank. DM kept everything for YEARS ("those pillows survived a monsoon you know" - yes we bloody well did know, they were horrible!). I know I should have given towels/duvets to an animal rescue but I didnt have time...
• various bags for charity shop
• put all the family photos/various nicknacks away so photos look better
• sorted all the paperwork and binned masses; kept some sentimental stuff for me and anything that related to DB/his kids/something I thought would interest him is all in a huge TKMaxx bag under the stairs
• bought a few bits home that either we gave to DM or were mine anyway

It is significantly improved, all we have left to do is the dresser (aka the hellhole of glory) and the kitchen cupboards, again awful old spatula that she's had since the 50s, cutlery so worn its practically see-thru, chipped mugs and plates etc etc.

At home I just go through my 'keepsake' stuff every few years and try and think, do the children really want this? Some passes the test, some fails.

Then of course there's the furniture, but I guess that will be DB and I deciding what we want and a couple of good pieces that I will sell if neither wants them, and the rest I suppose some sort of house clearance firm - do you pay them or do they pay you?? Dont have to worry about tht until we've exchanged contracts.

Glorious day here, going to hit the beach with the dog and blow some cobwebs away.

Good for you Yolo, enjoy your walk with Ddog.🐕

I've posted in here before ( my own parents now passed) but this is more for my dsd. She is caring for her mother ( only late 60s) who has cancer and just this week has been told no more treatment except pallative. She is on a whole heap of tablets but has what they think might be steroid inducted psychosis . She spent the night watching the tv ( wasn't on ) and had ate her own poo (sorry if tmi) the doctor is apparently going to do a home visit but still had not arrived ( informed at 9 am) Has anyone had to deal with anything like this or any medical people here to advise ?

I just caught up as my mum has been in hospital since Wednesday. My sincere condolences Yolo 

Victoria that’s sounds horrible for your DSD. I hope the GP has been. I don’t have any answers but a mental health crisis team might be available because that is a mental health crisis!

ILovePierceBrosnan

Thank you for replying. She was admitted into hospital at around 5pm ( had to wait 3 hours for the ambulance ) once the doctor had seen her and requested for one to be sent.

Dreadful waiting around but at least now she’s being assessed and monitored. I hope your DSD can get some rest