Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Hello all- sorry to hear more tales of s#£& siblings- the technical term used on this board for the golden ones who waft or pop in - if we are lucky but do not share the burden.
Certainly echo the enforcing no driving.... we ended up with getting a pcso Visiting mil to say she could no longer drive.
yolo everything crossed that the plan can be implemented.
🍷🍷🌺🌺

I get that charlie we had similar issues, we did find someone local via the village fb page. she was actually ok, but dm had gone loopy and very difficult by then so it went epically tits up. Assuming your DP not quite so tricky, is it worth asking around locally?

Cavemum I'm really torn with calling DVLA, I want to and know I should, but I also know DF will never forgive me.

I asked him to book an assessment with an instructor via society for prevention of accidents (RoSPA is it?) they offer one for £35, tried to sell it as confidence booster/ brush up on modern driving secretly hoping they'd give him the cold hard truth that he won't take from me, he refused , most likely he knows what they'd say.

I know he's refusing to stop because it means he'd be trapped in his flat unable to get to town because of his mobility or lack of. But this gets me more frustrated because if he just bloody well moved he wouldn't need to drive.

There are some wonderful independent living apartments locally with scheme managers who pop in if needed, found one a stone's throw from his Dr with shops close by etc, but no always an excuse.

Yolofish fingers crossed for you,

CharlieandLolaCat I hope you find some care cover.

I'm off to bed, Goodnight you wonderful bunch

thesandwich aah the golden ones, I've seen that on other boards and it definitely applies in my scenario.

I sometimes find that I can dripfeed ideas, but that it takes a man to come along (usually either DH or DB when prompted with a script from me) to suggest that it would be A Good Thing for DM for her to then agree to it.

Yolo just to say i was very sorry to read about your dh's further diagnosis. I hope you can both get as much support as possible from people like Macmillan (any local Maggie's centre?) as you both go through this.

Mum died at 1.30 this morning, peacefully in her sleep.

Totally unexpected, as she was not 'ill', so a big shock. After the initial shock though, I think we are all relieved. No more pain, or fear, or confusion. No massive upheaval of a move.

The hospital tried to call me at the time, but I dont take my phone to bed, so DB called me at 7.30am. I've told the DDs, younger one very upset (luckily her boyf is with her), older one more pragmatic but sad.

So now begins the work of wills, funerals, blah blah, getting death certificate, putting notices in the papers (she would be furious if I didnt!). Hope I can still stay with you people on this thread, I'm sure you wont evict me now she's gone!

Yolo I'm so sorry to hear that your mum has passed. In my eyes going in your sleep is the best death possible iyswim.

Take care of yourself and your children.

ah yolo

hope you are all right.

my dad died since my last post here - everyone's way will be different but it's been an odd mixture of relief and anxiety so far.

they are at peace, that's the most important thing. Hugs to you.

Yolo.

Thinking of you and please stay on this thread. I have recently organised a funeral so if you need any advice please ask.

Oh Yolo and best wishes to you all. What a mix of feelings but to go peacefully in the end without more upheaval must be a blessing. I hope that your work to date on the house and paperwork has reduced the load just a little - you must be so busy with everything.

yolo I am so sorry.... it must have been such a shock. Please take a bit of time out before diving in to all the stuff.
She is at peace now- you did all you possibly could. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺
Don’t leave us.

I'm so sorry @yolofish.

yolo Sympathy and best wishes. It's a difficult mix of emotions to go through - despite feeling "it's all for the best", you've still lost your mum.

bibbity DF stopped driving once he couldn't find insurance for less than £900 - but that wasn't until he was 90. Think you're sensible to have no part in helping him find a new car. Try adding up depreciation, petrol, servicing, MoT, tax insurance and converting the total into "taxi rides" - I'm not sure how much effect the argument had on my DF, but at least he takes himself off to some appointments by taxi rather than relying always on me.

Don't always leap to his aid - he'll think that it's no trouble for you if you're always able to do it when he asks. No-one is aware of the effort other people put in behind the scenes. "I can't get to the shops for you today, but I could manage on Tuesday".

Thank you for kind words, and grace I'm sorry for your loss too. I cannot grieve what my DM became, maybe in time I will remember what she used to be. I wonder if she was holding on for something, because the day before yesterday I got all her paperwork sorted and the house virtually sorted. Had the estate agent photos done this morning, which was a bit surreal, and bagged up the clothes I had put aside for her new life in Devon... Made an appt to see funeral directors and solicitor on weds, DB coming up the night before so he can go with me and he will stay over til the Thurs. offered him to stay here (olive branch et al) but I think he will stay at mum's, and tbf it will give him a chance to think privately.

little I may well msg you - thank you for the kind offer.

bibbity dint is so right about making yourself less available and also the costs associated with the running of a car. Taxis are the way forward, DM had a 'favourite' taxi driver who would do most about anything for her.

yolo sending you huge amounts of sympathy, good wishes and strength.

bibbity my DF has a minor accident and days later a roadside breakdown at 80 when the police lifted both my parents from walking on the motorway hard shoulder 200 metres apart... He got an immediate note from the DVLA asking him to refresh his test. We persuaded him to take lessons ahead of test and extremely reluctantly he took two.. He failed with a spectacular list of faults, had his licence suspended and then wrote to the DVLA complaining that the test examiner was not competent.
Every time he wrote to the DVLA they prefaced their letters saying it would take them a minimum of seven weeks to respond. He was fizzing but the seven week delay for every response made it a very one sided conversation and after about a year he gave up and threw in the towel about protesting further. I'd speak to the community police or the DLVA. Once he can't drive the likelihood of him moving from his property will increase.

yolofish I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for taking them time to read my post and your advice when you already have so much to manage.

MereDintofPandiculation you're right about not leaping to his aid, I find it difficult as he's my dad who has always been there for me, maybe not advice wise , (that was my lovely, fierce but fabulous DM) or in a particularly sensitive parenting style, but we are close, even if he is sorely testing my patience this week.

This week I have been firmer because I've been cross at his attitude, I told him yesterday that he cannot sulk if I say that his bread and milk will be dropped in on my way to work and not to make an appointment without a back up plan because he can't assume that me or DP will be able to move shifts or want to stay awake after a night.

I also said that will always ring when I'm doing our weekly shop to see if he needs anything but our shopping days vary due to who is working when (as he well knows) so he if needs things regularly I'll set up an online shop and delivery.

He's not called me yet today, probably in a huff

Fortysix I shouldn't laugh but the raging about the incompetence of the instructor and indignant letters sounds just like my DF.

I remember him being warned that if he didn't manage his diabetes better that he would need insulin, when he was recounting the conversation he had with nurse specialist he told me that she clearly didn't know what she was talking about as he was type 2 and that he was going to voice his concerns over her competence with GP.

He also thinks that every speciality he comes into contact with should have read and memorised his notes and will complain all the way home about their lack of preparation /knowledge.
Imagine the audacity of a Dr asking questions about your medical history

@Bibbity It's great to know one isn't alone. DF refuses to believe that any technological advance of use has been made since he took early retirement 40 years ago, so clearly anything done differently merely demonstrates how much has been forgotten and how little the engineer knows. And obviously a medic cannot treat the most routine of ailments without knowing everything the cardiac specialist said to him in 1990.

bibbity and dint oh I feel your pain! "who is this whippersnapper of a gp? why on earth doesnt he know about my childhood ear infections" (mum, you're 88, he's about 30...)

and taking her to an appointment: well mrs yolo senior, what seems to be the problem? cue 20 mins about everything under the sun, during which she had not got to crux of the matter despite me saying 'mum what about x' and doc tapping watch.

Sorry for your losses yolo and grace, no matter than in many ways it is a release when they pass (and we often say an animal would be put out of its misery long before the point of many of our parents conditions) it is still hard to lose a parent.

Cockroach to yolo's mum.

thank you nota she would appreciate that. I am now officially an orphan, but it's ok, I'm 57 and old enough to be one.

I’m sorry for your loss Yolo

Sympathy to you Yolo. A peaceful end is at least some comfort. I imagine you are amidst a whole flurry of emotions and the sense of relief will be overtaken by loss. Whatever you feel, go with it. Have a glass of red and give yourself time to grieve as well as all the organising and sorting which is now inevitable.