Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Yolo, just seen your news. I'm so sorry to hear this. You may remember my DM died unexpectedly in a very similar situation. You supported me so much, if I can help at all let me know as I know there was such a mix of emotions to try to process xx

victoria your poor dsd, but at least she has been admitted. No one can cope with that at home...

thank you whatever xx I spent yest evening going through her address book and phoning about 50 people over the age of 80, having to remind them who I was/who my father was/who my mother was!! And then with some of them getting into very long involved convos...

yolo probably too late to say this, sorry, but worth asking people if there's anyone else who should be told, and delegating the telling to other people where possible - just as you'll find all the funeral arrangements etc keep your mind occupied until you're ready to grieve, other people often welcome being able to do something practical while they're struggling to come to terms.

job fell to me because I have her address book... but got a few people (Irish side of family) mostly to tell the numerous cousins/3rd cousins once removed etc/someone she met on the beach once, most of whom I've never heard of!

Still staying with mum after dad's death

I feel guilty saying it, but it's such a miserable place to be. Can't leave mum alone though.

oh grace I am sorry. You will have to leave her at some point though... dont be guilty, I am sure you did your best at every stage (even if you dont think it was enough, it was more than enough and above and beyond the call of duty) xx

Can I join you all? Long time lurker but coming out of the shadows tonight for some company and a bit of a hand hold. We are losing the battle against Alzheimer's and tonight was the first night I haven't been recognised. I'm completely heartbroken and sitting at home on my own wondering how we got to here 

@dottydally I'm so sorry. It's such a terrible, senseless disease. 

Dotty that is so hard. Sorry you have to join us.
Grace- sending 🍷🌺🌺
yolo be kind to yourself.🍷🍷🌺🌺

Sending love to you all, feeling sorry everyone is here.

@CharlieandLolaCat it really is. It was something we all knew would happen. I just don't think I was ready yet. We've gone from perfectly normal to this in less than 9 months 

@thesandwich ❤️

@dottydally wow that's fast. It gives you no time to get used to it. Don't misunderstand me, we have had 8+ years and what we live with isn't 'normal' but we just about cope and have had a long time to acclimatise.

Dotty

@Beautifullyfree ❤️

@CharlieandLolaCat gosh, 8 years is a long time. How do you manage? Are there good days and bad days? Things can be a bit up and down here and I think part of the difficulty is that you never quite know what you're about to walk into.

@dottydally

8 years since it started, 6 yrs since I convinced my sisters I was right, 5 yrs since we convinced my dad, 4 years since a diagnosis and now my once super bright mum, fluent in 3 languages, with a first class degree who we went to for all things, who I spoke to daily, sometimes more, the scourge of the quiz scene and the coordinator of all family activity is a sunken wraith who (mostly) hates us all, can barely string a sentence together, hits and kicks and then swears blind that you did it first (terrified that one day someone will think she's telling the truth) and has no concept of how to manage basic daily tasks. So we cope, just. It has been a long, slow deterioration and I genuinely keep on thinking it can't get any worse. Until it does. She still knows me though, and she knows my son, so small mercies and all that.

dottty and charlie. Sometimes you think things cant be worse, and then you realise they can... dementia is horrible horrible horrible, and we only had about 4 months of it - nothing like what you are going through, and your parent too. Please remember that it's not you, or them, it's fate (I suppose) and whatever/however you are dealing with it is the best you can do. xx

Hi Dotty sorry things are so hard right now. I never thought I'd be grieving the loss of both my parents, especially when one of them is still alive. We can only do what we can to continue to love and keep them safe.

((Hugs)) Yolo. You will have all sorts of mixed feelings. With the worry about your DH as well, it may be a while before you process everyth8ng. Be kind to yourself- whether you are angry, guilty, raging or just sad, that's ok. Just be. It will get better.

@CharlieandLolaCat you are much stronger than me. 8 years must be so relentless. It's the angry outbursts that are the most worrying, she will scream and cry that people are being horrible to her when they haven't even said anything. I worry that she will tell someone and they'll think we are hurting her. When cross she will also then announce she is going out. I fear she will get lost one day and not know her way back.

@yolofish I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum I hope the next few weeks/months are kind to you and your DH is there to help. Remember to take some time for yourself. It's easy to get caught up in all the jobs that need doing.

@whatever45 nobody ever talks about the grief, how consuming it can be. This is someone who has known me all my life, who was funny and witty and intelligent. Now she struggles to tell me the name for the kettle. She has no idea what is going on in life as she doesn't understand the things we tell her. She is still physically here but I am grieving for who she used to be, the person I knew for so many years. I feel like I've become a parent in all this - I don't even have any children!

@dottydaily DF was the equivalent of your mum. No dementia as yet, but he's losing his cognitive abilities, which is so hard for him, and creating all sorts of conspiracy theories to explain why the computer won't work. I can sort of see what he's going through, but it's so difficult for us to help him in any way. And I really don't want to get to that stage myself. Why do we have to live long enough for our brain to rot?

The thing with losing cognitive capacity is that it starts off gentle, eg getting the dog/grandchild/piece of equipment name wrong. And we all do that from time to time, so we dont really notice. (well at least I do!)

But to be in that position, where you really actually cant articulate what you want to say, or to who, must be so frightening. With mum, it was expressed by the most bizarre delusions, some of which were really funny, but I didnt know how to deal with it. Then as she got more and more demented it became clear (although still no official diagnosis) that she really was away with the fairies.

Since emailing/calling various of her old friends, they could all see what was happening and said how sad it was.

I have made the children promise they will send me to Switzerland if I lose mental capacity - or, hopefully, I can stay here if they change the law. The Switzerland option costs about £14k, I'd rather the kids have it.

Just popping in to say hi. My mother has had dementia for a decade and could live another ten, so it’s a long haul.

Hi to everyone new and old, and many condolences to Yolo. You did everything you could and more. You should give yourself every credit. I hope the funeral is a chance to celebrate the good and draw a line under the bad.

My mother now thinks I am her sister. She did not like her sister. Conversations are quite pinteresque. I am very fed up, and grateful that DH is so supportive.

Hand holds all round and especial solidarity with those dealing with dementia.

My DF is just SO impaired now - he hardly has any idea what I'm saying and I'm struggling to understand him too but he is so young and fit and doesn't appreciate his limitations, so he's out and about all the time (he can still use the bus). Right now we're on an absolute knife edge of him being able to function in society and I am dealing with more and more little crises every week. All I can think is what will happen as he gets even worse but will still want to be out there living his life on his own - he ain't gonna placidly sit in a chair and look at the walls. And (god willing) by next summer I'll have a baby to take care of as well. It gives me the absolute horrors when I think about it.

I suppose there's no point getting stressed about it till it happens - usually I'm quite good at the whole crossing of bridges when we come to them thing. But it rather takes the shine off impending motherhood because it's hard to imagine how we'll manage.

Sorry - rant. But... this stupid disease can go to hell.

cheryl god willing you have that baby this time next year xx

cabbage I totally agree, it is a hellish disease. My only advise would be to get as many ducks in a row for your DF that you can this side of giving birth - POA, Attendance Allowance, carer vists, etc, so that you can concentrate on you and motherhood.

My DF died of cancer when I was 5 months pregnant, so I totally understand what you mean. I hardly had a chance to enjoy my first pregnancy as I was either dashing around or mourning.

Thanks all. I am generally pretty well on top of things for him - have had LPA, PIP, sheltered housing and now have PA 14 hours a week - but it's just a constantly moving target - a game of whack-a-mole. You sort one thing and another thing pops up.

Cue everybody on this thread nodding in recognition I'm sure!

Sunday night cockroach everyone - keep on whacking those moles...