Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Yolo, you poor thing. So much to cope with. Hand hold across the ether.
No wisdom but lots of sympathy.🌺🌺

Yolo what a path for you to tread. I think you do well to back off from your mother. Your marathon just got longer and steeper.

@yolofish you will have up days and down days as you and DH travel this journey. DH dreaded the colonoscopy but the found that actually knowing what he was facing once it had been done helped a great deal. Parents wanting us to sort out the impossible is very trying and not a distraction you both need right now. Hope Ddog is settling in.

Yolo we feel for you so much. Glad you have ddog to cuddle. There is no doubt where your priorities have to be - your dm is cared for as best as is possible, and you do have a long road with your dh - you need to try and keep some strength for all that. Very best wishes to your dh.

Mrs Bert I could have written your post.

I’ve not posted much because I lost the thread. I’m also trying to not become completely immersed in caring stuff. My DDad has decided not to get carers involved. I understand why (mum is so difficult after any outside intervention) but this means he leans on me more. I’m at the end of my tether and just feel very stressed at how everyone needs me. Why? Was I born with capable/stable/competent/reliable -doormat- stamped on my forehead. I feel so fed up with being ‘the one’.

thank you all, I feel better as DH got home from his first day back at work and is now making chicken curry. Also been round to DM's and had a blitz of decluttering (mostly putting family photos into the sideboard) so although there is too much furniture it looks vaguely presentable for the first estate agent tomorrow - downstairs at least. First one was meant to come today but he called me to say he knows DM (she's had them out at least twice before !) and said he would have more time on Sat. POA should come through Nov 8, so we just need to get moving. I'm sure there are families who want to be in their new home for Christmas!
Ddog settling very well, she is so cuddly and does not beg at the table (which is a big improvement on previous Ddog). She has learnt that you dont bounce at bunnies in their runs, but cats still proving irresistible. She needs one of them to give her a good whack to put her in her place but we not at that stage yet.

Yolo sending big hugs to you. Just when you think you can't take anymore....

I haven't been here for a while. Raising mums meds have effectively switched her back on so she is back to coping with daily life, of a fashion when you've had Parkinson's for 18 years. Scared the bejaysus out of me if this is a taste of what's to come though.

to everyone else struggling at the moment. Being the nearest child to whom everything and every decision falls really resonates with me.

Such a supportive, friendly and kind thread xx

I have noticed other people say their parent was difficult, demanding and unpleasant before the dementia and wondered if it’s more likely to affect dysfunctional individuals or whether they just seem harder to manage because it just intensifies the awful behaviour

no idea pierce but its an interesting conundrum. My DM was difficult and demanding for years (but could also be very funny and loving, and was mentally sharp as a tack til June this year).

Now that she is demented/delirious there is very little trace of the person she used to be, so its not like she has just intensified her personality. The worst thing is that although she could be an absolute cow she is now just like a frightened three year old and impossible to distract for more than 10 seconds. The 'good' visits are the ones where she is away with the fairies in fantasy land and you can just have a totally surreal conversation.

I feel so bad I havent seen her since Sat and can feel the guilt trip down the phone from DB. She just seems to get really upset when I go and I cant take her away, it makes me feel shit and its exhausting so although it's awful I just cant see the point. Maybe I will go again at the w/e when DH around to look after dog.

OTH, I have started clearing her house, have seen first estate agent today, and have new DDdog to factor in how much time I can spend out of the house. Will take DDog with me tomorrow for 2nd agent (purplebricks, dont think will go with them) then I can do a bit more sorting. Every time you open a drawer there is another tsunami of crap!

Yolo, thinking of you.
I love, I think dementia does not discriminate- but if the relationship with the oldie was better, in some way it is harder because of the change in personality, but there is something “ in the bank” in the past good relationship. Does that make any sense? Rather than having to manage the oldie and deal with all the feelings about the past. Stirring the pond of feelings now buried as one wise mnetter described it.

My mother was certainly a difficult and damaging woman. It's no coincidence that her daughters are so detached from each other. We grew up in continual competition for the tiny bits of approval that hovered out of reach and never dropped. A control freak and a raging egotist. She is my parenting lodestar. What would Mum have done? Do the opposite. She would snap at my son "stop slobbering on your mother" when he was a cuddly little preschooler. Happily, it just made him do it more. Dreadful woman.

Anyway, at present, her persona is sweet little old lady, which is a welcome break from the doom mongering sourpuss she was favouring a few years back. But we all know the monstrous creature is lurking beneath.

Anyway, Dad seemed a lot brighter this evening, although I fear he is already minimising things to the GP.

Does anyone have any experience of those Tena pants? Do they take a whole pee? Or are they really only good for disaster sneezes?

mrsbert my mother has been wearing them since June. They seem better than nothing... but god they are expensive! Sainsbos ones are half the price and cant imagine only half the quality. I think as your M still at home she will have to pay for them unless you can get them on scrip - I didnt manage to do this in the various care homes mum was in.

My mum became quite calm, placid and lovely with her dementia. That lasted for a good year. We’ve moved into another phase now which sometimes means she is nasty, vindictive and highly unpleasant. Initially I struggled as it did “stir the pond” but now I’ve developed quite a detached way of being with her almost as if I’m a paid employee and it doesn’t hurt me. She reacts to me better than Dad. He gets a horrible time of it.

I constantly ponder whether she was narcissistic or just exhausted by a difficult life which meant she had no time or patience for her DC.

Yolo hope it goes well with the estate agents.
FIL isn't talking to us. Last Saturday he told OH that he would not be accepting any more respite care for MIL even if he was poorly or having hospital treatment for any of his 4 chronic health issues. We went through this last winter when he ended up in hospital twice because the was exhausted and now we have the prospect of weeks of radiotherapy as well. As he won't discuss anything and what he does say is either contradictory or doesn't make sense we have no idea whether story 1 it's aggressive and advanced or story 2 it's really early stage and not aggressive is correct. Panic over reaction and head in sand stubbornness would both be in character. So after a family conflab Sunday evening we decided we would let SS know that we were concerned that he would refuse treatment rather than let MIL go into a home for a few weeks and that if he said we had agreed to cover it (his usual story to SS) it isn't true, we can't. SS told him I called and he was raging. SS are going out to see him some time this week.
OH gave him a couple of days to calm down and tried to call yesterday. Left him a voice message and normally he would call back quickly. Nothing, so we are clearly still out of favour. Another family member is speaking to him daily and he hasn't said a word to her about SS and is still insisting He us "only asking family to cover a couple of hospital appointments " but at least we know he is ok. He doesn't know we all discussed it beforehand and the only reason I made the call was because it was easiest for me to fit it in as I am easiest to get hold of when they call back.
Sorry that was so long, OH's blood sugars have been erratic lately and I'm sure it's the stress of worrying about his parents.

Thanks Yolo that's really helpful. They are pretty comfortably off (big fat baby-boomer public sector pensions) so they can afford it!

That's rough countrygirl. It's horrible having to be the bad guy.

It is so difficult when they literally cannot do it all but find the intrusion or loss of control as bad as ever.

Mum perhaps a little better. She spoke to a neighbour!! Unbelievable. I've lined up a cleaner for her to interview - hope she will agree. Mouse droppings in her bedroom in the old place.

country it's tough being the bad guy but you know you are doing it for the right reasons - unsustainable situation for all involved.

annan fingers xd for the continuing good relations with neighbour and that your DM will like the cleaner.

DB having a phone conf with hospital tomorrow pm about DM's potential discharge. They called me yest to ask if I could go and I very selfishly said an absolute no (new dog, yay, cant leave her that long, and also one of my oldest friends is coming for lunch and we will have a few and I might cry).

Havent seen DM for a week, longest time in ages. Might visit Sat pm but its really hard to find the motivation or a good reason why - given that although she is delighted to see me, I cant do what she wants so we spend a long time explaining everything over and over. Fuck, I dont know.

FIL has phoned OH, all sweetness and light. Has agreed for MIL to go to a day care centre, which SS suggested a year ago and he wouldnt entertain AND he has decided he wants respite care again! Yay!

Hello, it's me again...

Sorry I've not been around- it's all kicking off in all directions, but none of it is really elderly related.

I'm sure I'll be back at some point, but at the moment I'm hunkering down trying not to think about it! The equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and going la, lala, la, la!

Hang in there, everyone, don't let the buggers grind you down!

oh country that is good news! yay indeed!

pickle catch up when you ready, there is nothing wrong with going lalalalalala in fact I do it quite a lot!

Great to hear some positives country and Annan, and blue.
Pickle!!! Great to see you. In fancy dress too.
Yolo- taking time out with your friend and new furry friend sounds like essential self maintenance.
Took dm out to a tea shop/ garden place which is staffed with young adults with learning difficulties
. Fabulous place and gave her food for thought.
cockroach lalala......

Agree that taking time out is essential yolo. Don’t feel guilty.

Country...I’ve been at the point of organising daycare/someone to come in/day care....for awhile now (over a year possibly). I’ve taken time off work, given up annual leave to visit, interview etc. We still have no care organised and dad admitted last week he has no intention of organising it now because mum is so so vile to him after each visit or mention that he cannot see any benefit whatsoever. I take his point. It does however leave me in the firing line. I got an immediate could you come over to mind mum whilst I have an appt with... for a day when I’m at work and then I have one day free this weekend and he wants that as well. I’m unable to say no because I don’t know how he is coping and I love him but...

I love, I feel your pain. ILs have the maximum home visited that SS Wil, pay for - 4 home visits and 6 hours sitting service but MIL needs 24 care and FIL is 80 with 4 "big ticket" health issues of his own. SS gave him the offer of 3/4 days a week at a day care centre instead of the sitting service but no as it's not flexible like the sitting service. A family member offered to pay one day a week but he insisted she wouldn't like it. SS offered to pay for her to go into a home every few weeks for a few days respite. Took 2 emergency hospitalisations before he accepted. But the 3rd time she was less than well looked after so it was rejwcted again. It sounds like SS have had a few conversations with him and worked some magic. I think a lot of his fury is because he knows he really needs to do what he doesnt want to and feels out of control. On top of that he tends to veer from desperate pessimism to head in the sand. So when the doctor referred him for tests for possible prostate cancer he was convinced he was going to die very soon and as soon as he's told he's more likely to die with it than of its of no consequence at all. If sheer will power worked he would be the healthiest man alive.

SS have suggested residential respite for mum as well. I think he fears she might never come out because they’d realise how bad she can be and refuse. I think we all fear what she’d be like when she came out...raging bull probably.

pierce I think we are in a similar situation - Devon care homes starting to get negative about DM's high needs and wanting to chuck another £400 a week on top of £1300 bill for 1-2-1 nursing care.

Today's phone conf didnt happen, rescheduled for Mon am. I will go and see DM tomorrow as no one been for a week and hospital v cagey on phone. At least then I can get a view of her current condition although there is very little I will be able to do. Cant go on Monday for conf as other commitments. DB seemingly getting slightly onto same page, in that there seems no point sending her to ultraluxe care home where she cannot access any of the facilities. Fuck knows what the end game is here!

On plus side, had glorious hour on the beach today with new DDog, she was pretty good although I dont dare let her off the lead yet, and friend of over 40 years came for lunch and we had wine and set world to rights between us.