Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Oh countrygirl...

No advice as it sounds as if there is nothing you can do. But if they are going for curative radiotherapy as you may know it's likely to be mon to fri for 4-6 weeks. If it's a question of managing it not curing it, the radiotherapy might only be a few days.

Thanks everyone, it's good to have a safe place to vent. Poor OH is tearing what little hair he has out. He was a bit miffed to discover after we had helped his "poor old dad" out with a couple of big expenses that he has more savings than we do!
We realise what a time commitment radiotherapy will be, he is " you'll just have to cover the odd hospital appointment". He has an appointment at the cancer centre, no idea when as he won't say, hopefully he realise it won't work but I can see him deciding not to have treatment.
The other thing he isn't considering re at home 24 hour care is there is nowhere for anyone else to sleep. They are in a housing association old people's bungalow, just 4 rooms. Because MIL needs a special bed and equipment, what was the dining room is FILs bedroom. The fairly small living room just has 2 armchairs to leave room for moving the wheelchair and equipment and then there is a tiny kitchen. Even having 2 visitors means 1 person has to stand.
I've had that conversation a couple of times. First time last December when he was hospitalised with a severe AF attack and I phoned SS to mobilise the plan he said they had only to find out he had been lying to us and SS. The second time was a couple of weeks ago when I phoned SS to give them grief over not making arrangements for few days when he was having a biopsy and scans only to find out he had cancelled all respite care as we were apparently going to do it. SS have arranged visits to 2 more care homes but having visited one FIL is now refusing again.

Following this thread has helped me realise that there are many people walking the very challenging path of caring for elderly parents.

What happens when you realise you just can't do it any longer, how do you walk away?
I can't cope with the lying, manipulation, swearing, aggression and other behaviours. I know it the illness/diagnosis but there's no support and precious little help.
I have no idea of where to turn or what to do.

Windgate, hi, sorry you're in this spot

"What happens when you realise you just can't do it any longer, how do you walk away?"

I'm really interested in the answer to that too!

hope everyone is doing okay.

countrygirl you have my every sympathy, that sounds an impossible situation.

what happens when you walk away I dont know, I have kind of done that, only because of DH situation though. DB and SIL are sort of stepping up, but there is a very difficult convo to be had with the discharge mgr tomorrow... I think they will end up letting the hospital do what they want to do (discharge to state nursing home) and then trying to do something from there... but I think this move will possibly be what kills DM.

It is an unbearable state of being for her; and I'm now kind of numb to it really, I would rather she was dead because if she understands how she is she would hate to be like it.

Yolofish that is so sad.

it is country but it is what it is and after 10 years of caring for her on an increasingly demanding basis... until she went doolally it was manageable and she was ok - demanding, manipulative, occasionally aggresive etc etc and I used to vent my rage on here! But the dementia and/or delirium induced by pain and meds is a whole other ball game, and if she understood more than she appears to, then combined with the incontinence she would rather be dead. I support Dignity for Dying, there is no dignity in what my mum, and so many many others have to go through.

Hi everybody, I thought I'd killed the thread. I've had one of those 'down' days today but tomorrow is another day.
Actually got to take DM to a hospital appointment which may give us some clarity.

windgate tomorrow is always another day - that Scarlett O'Hara may have not got much right, but she did with that bit! Good luck with hosp appt.

Yolofish I understand how I feel. I've had the occasional moment recenyly where I envy orphans. I instantly feel awful but I cant see a solution whre OHs parents arent dreadfully upset. My parents are older and I haven't always had a good relationship with them, my brother was the golden child and my mother was disappointed I was a tomboy, but they have no expectations that we will drop everything for them and are very independent so visits feel much more relaxed. Its a bit of a turnaround as I've previously got on much better with the in laws than my own parents. OH has his own health issues and ghry aren't helped by all the stress.

Can’t add any wisdom except wishing you strength for tomorrow.

I've been trying to get hold of their social worker this morning. She hasn't called me back but she has spoken to him and told him I've called. Cue him phoning OH absolutely raging and threatening to have an argument with me if I call them again. OH called me and we agreed I would carry on calling SS. OH knows if FIL calls me I will tell him some home truths he doesn't feel comfortable saying. Also that, in the past, a flaming row with OH has brought him to his senses so it might be productive even though unpleasant. Apparently it's none of our business that he expects us to drop everything and come running every time he can't cope because he won't make proper arrangements.

Hello, this place looks full of courage and patience.

I fear I am going to be in need of both. My mum (79) has been sliding into dementia over the last 7 or 8 years, and my dad has finally admitted he can't manage any more. She is, to be brutally frank, a cunning manipulative bully, whom he has enabled and adored for nearly 60 years. She is also addicted to benzos, and has been misusing them for years (She won't ever take pain relief, and goes straight to the loprazolam, hitting dad until he gives her his. ) She pees herself several times a day, and doesn't toilet properly so massive laundry issues. He's exhausted, but has never before admitted he needs help. Quite a bit of this was news to me today : he's been covering up well. He talks more to my sister who is a doctor, but she's overseas, so it's all a bit Chinese whispers.

I'm the lucky local daughter, so the job of trying to get decent care falls to me. We're thinking getting someone in for 2 or 3 hours a day just to keep her off Dad's back so he can escape, and to keep her clean as he isn't managing that well.

If anyone has any tips for finding good care people (money no issue, luckily) that would be incredibly helpful.

She is so scared. She watched her own parents go through this. My Grandma lived to be 99. Years of existence with no idea who the people around her were, desperately searching for her long dead husband, who himself had forgotten her long before his eventual death. I dressed her for Granddad's funeral. She asked whose wedding we were going to. It's a horrible disease.

We've known for years this was in the post, but it doesn't prepare you.

DN went to visit DM today, said she appears quite sane. I doubt this, basically because both his parents worked in mental health all their lives and they, and their adult children, have a much higher tolerance of 'normal' than most. Think for example getting all your house decoration/electrics/plumbing/building done by people with various diff mental illnesses with some major idiosyncracies along the way.

I dont at all mean that to be detrimental to those with mh issues, I simply mean that a different understanding of normal and functional comes into play.

Got confirmation that POA should be through in about 3 weeks time; booked 4 diff estate agents (3 local and purplebricks) to come and do initial valuation; removed some of the small pocketable valuable items from the house; made contact with stairlift provider to see if we can sell it back to them; considered googling '2nd hand commodes for sale' and decided it might open doors I do not want to go through.

DB was supposed to speak to discharge mgr today; he left 2 msgs and she never called him back. At moment we are agreed on bedblocking as far as we can while they try and arrange someting local to them. Cottage hospitals were discussed: both are at least 1.5 hours away from me, and from her house where DB and SIL would stay.

DH diagnosis not great at the moment, awaiting colonoscopy 2 weeks today for biopsy and hopeful plan. GP confirmed today it is rectal cancer. New doggie is the light of our lives!! DH so happy we got her, and so am I.

oh mrs bert we cross posted, so sorry to hear this. If your dad is on board, and money not a problem, then I would get someone in for eg twice a day to start with - get her up, clean, fed and then repeat in the evening. If necessary you could also get someone to pop in at lunchtime ? We sold it to my mum not as care per se, but just someone popping in for a chat, light housework, 'polishing the silver while you chat' etc.

Maybe ask for a local care agency at the GP surgery

or I found the local Hospice to be very helpful with advice.

Hi Mrs b. Sorry to hear your story- and your dread of the future.
Re carers..... ask around etc, also contact your local social services who may have contacts. Check out cqc reports too. Franchises like home instead often get good reviews.
Have your ils got attendance allowance? Age uk or carers association might be able to advise as well. Good luck but feel free to rant here.

Well we went to see the private orthopaedic consultant who kindly but bluntly told DM that she is expecting the impossible.
I've discovered Teepa Snow on YouTube and her posts have really helped me make sense of things. That said once my DSis gets back from her holiday she needs to step up and deal as i have no more empathy.

Yolo, so sorry to hear about your dh. Everything crossed for him and you. So glad about your new furry friend- they force you to be in the moment, and give so much love. Our local Red Cross takes all mobility aid stuff and hires it out- maybe not commodes though.
cockroach and 🍷🍷

Can I join please?

My father is elderly an has acquired a ladyfriend only a year or two older than I am. She has effectively moved in. He and she have now taken to disparaging my dead mother’s taste in decor and furnishings and I am just about ready to lose my temper.

Hugs to everyone will now RTFT.

Oh that's so tough. And hard to address.

Do you have POA for him?

Things here are accelerating. Ended up getting them into the GP who was excellent. Referred to psychgerries and community nursing. Poor old dad is at the end of his rope.

sorry I'm just going to have a bit of a wobble here, quietly.

DH gone to work for his first full day back, and I am just so nervous about everything that I was literally shaking - had half a glass of wine and that seems to have helped, but clearly not a good thing on a regular basis.

DM situation: no one appears to know what is happening, and I should go and see her I suppose. But when I do see her she gets really upset and begs me to 'save her', and cries and shouts for an hour. Then I leave, although she tries to make me promise to come back again and again, and I dont really know whether seeing her does her any good. It certainly doesnt do me any good. She is so thin and frail now, but still constantly trying to get out of bed, climb the rails etc. 1-2-1 mental health nurse still with her pretty constantly.

DH: could be worse I suppose, it is grade 3 rectal cancer, and we have a not very nice path ahead of chemo, radio, surgery. I think for his stage the survival rate is pretty high, but it is clearly going to change everything we took for granted. Colonoscopy not for 2 weeks, so I am hoping that is a good sign, that they dont want to do it sooner. He has receieved some sort of huge information pack in the post from the hospital today, it's definitely not just an appt letter.

DDog is a bright shining light at the moment, especially with the girls away at uni.

Sorry, I just needed to put this down somewhere and my RL support are all far away xx

@yolofish it sounds like such an awful situation, I'm glad they've caught DH's cancer at a better stage, although I suppose no stage is good.  and  for you

Yolo that all sounds awful x

Yolo - wishing you and your dh all the best of everything. Just keep giving yourself small healthy treats. Anything that cheers you up.