Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Yolo that all sounds terrible. The numbness suggests the nerves are being compressed. Has she still got pulses?

Gateau if your MiL is unable to recognise you she sounds quite far along

@ILovePierceBrosnan yes this is what I think. Apparently she is booked in for a bran scan but they don’t have a date yet...

sorry to go off on a tangent, but just wondering if anyone feels their own decisions are affected by their parental health?

I hate the MN expression about "old age is better than the alternative".

my parents would not be staring down a barrel of years of low quality of life if they had refused certain meds, procedures etc from the start e.g. pacemaker, then dad is on about 14 meds (not kidding) before his latest hospitalisation and his cholesterol has gone to 2 because he was on 3 of those meds for several years.

I'm probably coming to an age where I will have to make choices about those sorts of meds myself and while I would certainly take something to make myself feel better, I wouldn't want to take a whole pile of preventative shit.

as it is, life expectancy in my family is quite high. I would have been fine to make it to 60. In fact, that's probably a bit much.

@Light I think I under what you mean. For me I want to make sure DH and I are healthy and active so we don’t have to face an old age of medication!

So many emotions go through me that my mother and father are both on lots of meds for lifestyle illnesses.

I feel the same. I dislike that poem, 'Do not go gently... Rage rage against the coming of the night'

Or however it goes.

I plan on going gently. No huge interventions. Would I do this to my elderly dog? No? Well don't do it to me then.

Oh I hate that poem too

It pretty much sums up my dad

Two weeks ago, I'd have said I'm worried he will extend his own suffering. Now selfishly I'm thinking he's not just extending his suffering, but mum's and mine too.

He is currently being kept alive with blood transfusions and steroids but there is no prospect of ever being "better". So does he plan to do this for years? Will mum collapse in the process? Is he maybe wanting her to die first (they are both convinced she won't have a life without him).

He's cheated death so many times, he used to joke about it....but now I think it's not really a joke. It's a genuine rage and nobody benefits. Well, big pharmaceutical companies maybe!

I'm glad that my Mum went gently and peacefully into the night.

I understand what you mean.

Totally understand, but maybe its different when you face it?

DM was reasonably lucid this morning, but they are giving her oramorph as only thing which cuts the pain - unfortunately it makes her hallucinate and become very aggressive. I have previously had 'no oramorph' written on her notes and explained, but they are giving it anyway.

She has always said she wants to die, but is distressed tonight, according to DB, because SHO had a convo with her about a DNR (as no one can find the one she said she signed). She takes this as a sign that her heart is about to stop and she will die immediately...

Personally, I am of the 'wouldnt do this to a dog' school; and in fact didnt do it to my own ddog at the end of July when he could just gently drift off on some kind of drug-induced sleep. Why would you not do that?

The pain, and lack of dignity my mother is experiencing is horrendous. No one wants to be incontinent, do they?

We are going out for a meal tonight DD1 back to uni tomorrow and DD2 Saturday. cockroach all round.

If healthcare, meds etc are to keep me fit and well, then great. If they are to prevent death when I’m frail and have no longer any connection with the world. No.

Yolo I am so sorry. Hope you have a lovely evening.
I agree- some domestic animals are treated far better than humans regarding interventions.
cockroach all.

Moved DD1 back to uni today - 3 flights of stairs, no lift. Thought we were all going to have cardiac arrests as she does not travel light!! then food shopping inc a bottle of vodka so her needs are met, then lunch.

Stopped off to see DM on way home - pain very bad; told me I had to go and buy her some drugs which obvs I didnt. I get 3 days off now as DB and DSIL coming tomorrow - meanwhile I spend tomorrow moving DD2 back to uni, 200 and something miles away. Tonight I am moving DM's cat to ours, cannot cope with going round morning and night to look after him and poor puss is very lonely. Have ordered Feliway and will have to take it very carefully as not sure our 2 boy cats are going to be thrilled... Sunday I am going to garden. I intend to drink throughout.

Hope everyone else is coping and that the w/e brings you rest, relaxation and freedom from worry (ha bloody ha).

Hi all, new on this thread, do you all mind if I have a bit of a rant? Can't really do it IRL. MIL is mid-80s, still living home alone and generally pretty independent but has fall alarms etc. She's had multiple hip and knee replacements, has back issues (and as such is registered disabled), is almost totally deaf never bloody listens anyway even when the hearing aids work and is never going to magically become a spring chicken again. And yet the DWP have decided to stop her benefits, because she didn't return a form 18 months ago. Ok, fine, she should have done and we were unaware of the form. But they kept sending her letter saying her case had been reviewed and was fine! But because that benefit is being cancelled, so is her pension credit and housing benefit. They also say she owes them 5k. Cue utter panic on her part (bless her), and DP trying to sort it all out. His two brothers have done absolutely fuck all to help him in this, one pops in to see her every few days (2 miles away) and the other one drives he 40 miles to see her once a bloody year. We desperately want her to stay at home, DP and I go in every day between us to make sure she's ok and help her out (she has a cleaner and a Gardner but won't let us help with the shower that she can't actually manage). She's lovely and I do worry about her, it's so frustrating that because she missed one bit of paper that she will be left with nothing (she has a very small amount of savings, less than 5k, and a rented house). Anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? Sorry for the rant, it's been keeping me up at night

By the way meant to say  for you @yolofish that sounds awful

No advice from me, Velo. Maybe CAB, DWP, AgeUK can help.

Yolo, deep breaths, use the W/e to top up your Teflon!

Cockroach all!

DWP have told us to reapply, so that's two 50-question forms and one 30-question form. And home visits. Age UK have been no help at all, it's just taking its toll on me and DP because we want to help her as best we can. I'm grateful she can still live independently but I really struggle with the hoops we have to jump through to keep her that way sometimes.

New to the thread so hello everyone

Just wondering how long my Dad can keep going he is 80 and has had a hell of a year with a Hartmans procedure to take out sigmoid colon cancer in Jan followed by 2 months in hospital where he contracted three grade 3 /4 bed sores so went into a nursing home , who have been brilliant
Several trips back and forward to hospital culminating in a CT 4 weeks ago saying cancer was back and had blocked his bowel so palliative care
So since then he has had no food as his stomach is blocked and is drinking just water between 200ml and 600ml a day
Went to see him today he is a bit confused today but awake mostly urine is more brown than yellow in his catheter

I have been awake at 2 am every morning for 4 weeks now wondering if I am about to get a phone call from the home and just cant see how he is still going

I have explained to him loads of times if he was one of my dogs I would have shot him by now

Hello Billy's, welcome.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It does sound as though you are counting the days now. I think he will probably become unresponsive, for a day or two, before you lose him. I'm no expert though.

It is tough Velo, but you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately there is a lot of 'just ploughing through it' to be done.

We offer each other wine, teflon (the crap slides off) and a shoulder to cry on as necessary.

Thanks for that it just doesnt sit well when you wouldnt put your dog through it all but have to watch your loved ones sit and suffer

I have to be thankful that it is not de

dementia even

velo have you / your DP got financial POA for your MIL? Once I got that in place I found dealing with the DWP so much easier for my mum (gets around data protection issues, etc). I also managed to apply for attendance allowance for her, and that makes life so much easier to be able to pay for things directly on her behalf. Can you appeal their decision in the meantime?

billys that sounds hard. As you and others have said up thread, we wouldn't allow a dog to suffer in this way. Personally I think the NHS/medical advances mean that we keep people's bodies alive in some instances beyond what their actual capacity for life is. When there is no hope of recovery, and zero quality of life, it is so hard to see that person robbed of their dignity towards the end.

billysboy I'm so sorry you and your dad are going through this, I went through similar with my mum earlier this year and I know how hard it is living through this groundhog day, expecting news, wondering how they're still going... Unfortunately don't think there's much to say to make it better but just take it day by day. Hope your dad is relatively comfortable?

I am so sorry to see new people joining, but welcome you all. This is a tough place to be in.

I agree with those who are talking about POA/DNR etc - everything becomes much easier when these are in place because it means you can actually speak to people on your parent's behalf.

velo I dont think your mum really owes that money, its a cock up in the system which will be a pita to sort but I think you can tell her not to worry (even if YOU still worry reducing her stress levels will reduce yours).

billy I think most of us are at the dreading phone calls stage; there is no easy way to do this. And I am of the 'wouldnt put a dog through this' persuasion too. So just an internet handhold from a stranger, it makes a difference to me so I hope it will to you too.

Thank you @picklemepopcorn

@notaflyingmonkey she was already getting the attendance allowance, that's one of he ones they've knocked off because she hadn't returned a form. She's usually very good at making sure we know about any paperwork, but she wasn't in a good place at the time I think and just didn't want he hassle, not realising what the consequences were. But disappointing that no-one thought to check she understood. We haven't got POA at the moment, my understanding is that if we do that we'll have to take full control rather than just partial, which is what we don't want to do. Is that the case?

@yolofish we're appealing it, it definitely seems that the left hand isn't talking to the right hand, and between them they are masters of the screwup, while we appeal it we don't have to pay anything but she's terrified they're going to take her funeral fund. I've told her we're going to just bury her under he rose bed (black humour has got me through some dark times!!)

I've got partial POA for my mum, but it is enough to allow me to speak on her behalf with DWP, doctors, etc. I usually preface things with 'she has a diagnosis of dementia, I have POA, so it's best if you allow me to speak on her behalf, the problem that I have is x'. The thing I have found is not to be timid about all this, and to give the person on the other end of the phone the easier option of going along with me to help solve a problem. It rarely doesn't work (for me anyway). I think I got really lucky with the DWP person assigned to her as he went out of his way to help me with the processes.