Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Well, there is no UTI, but he did have severe bowel impaction through constipation, which can have a similar effect, I believe. That is under control now, and he is drinking loads.
One of his legs keeps giving way under him, and he has collapsed twice in the last fortnight, being totally unconscious each time. The first time was in church, thankfully right next to a St John's Ambulance trainer, who said he was completely out for around 5 minutes and she couldn't find a pulse. He spent the day in A&E and was then sent home after a plethora of tests. He then collapsed again at breakfast a few days later and, piecing together the evidence, it seems he was "out" for around 50 minutes on the floor before he could make one arm reach the other to press his wrist alarm. And when my sister got to him 20 mins after that, he was still face down on the floor not having been able to move to a more comfortable position.
He's had his heart checked/scanned/ECG and he apparently has Atrial Fibrillation. And Vitamin D deficiency. And the impacted bowel. And postural hypotension. And osteoporosis. GP has suggested possible Vascular Dementia and we're wondering if there was possibly a TIA somewhere. But why the loss of consciousness?

No wisdom dear god but 🌺🌺 hope they find a cause- must be such a shock.

OhDearGod

What you describe is very similar to what happened to my dad (80). Still no known cause. I appreciate "decline" is not a diagnosis but that's how I see it.

Dad does have cancer though it is not a factor here apparently. He also has heart disease, had bypass twenty years ago, and now has a pacemaker.

He didn't collapse but was in a chair and suddenly felt very faint and allowed time to pass, but couldn't stand up. He is now using a walking stick or Zimmer. This is after three weeks in hospital trying to establish a particular cause, the docs really have tried their best.

This happened about a week after driving 50 miles to see some friends. I paid his newsagent bill yesterday and the guy kept saying to me "how did this happen so suddenly".

Re the collapse, my mum has atrial fibrillation and has gone from fine to suddenly collapsing twice in the last ten years, so maybe that is the cause, though obviously I'm not a doctor. She has a medication which is supposed to help protect against that now but I'm afraid I can't recall the name of it.

Actually my dad also has cancer (prostate) although it is under control at the moment.

deargod what you describe with your dad is similar in a way to my mum. something seems to trigger a 'decline' and then it all falls apart. Hope he can come back from this, you sound as if you love him very much. One thing I desperately believe old people need is a much more holistic medical approach, so they look at the whole person and not take symptoms individually. It seems to be a very hard thing to find for them.

lighthouse was it you on previous page talking about how they want help but only their way? if so much much sympathy, so infuriating.

Didnt go to DM today; she was calm when I phoned the home at lunchtime and I thought best to leave her that way rather than risk a major upset again. Had a very productive day gardening and house decluttering!! (not restful, but good).

Hello All

Back home - haven't had chance to catch up with all your developments yet so apologies.

Rang M to tell her I was back. Oh good! she says. Before moving on to her favourite and only topic of convo ( herself). Apparently her hearing has vastly deteriorated in the ten days I have been away. ( Because she won't wear her hearing aids.) ditto her sight.

The sight thing is partly true but has been going on sometime. Fortunately she has an appointment for laser treatment in early October. One of the women at church printed out her bible reading in large font ( if that's what ' dense ink on a half quarto' meant) naturally she was afterwards surrounded by well wishers congratulating her on her performance

I 'should' go over there tomorrow but I have decided not to. She didn't ask and I didn't offer. All is well and I know it would just infuriate me and vaporise my post holiday feel good factor as soon as I cross the threshold.

"For I say to ye, verily, protect thou thy Teflon"

Cockroach all round.

Yolo, I do adore him, yes, and we (brother, sister and I) all feel fiercely protective of him since our mother died 16 months ago. He's made such a good stab of adapting to life alone after being happily married for over 60 years, and he's worrying about the future. His proud boast over the years has always been, "I'm never ill," and even now he's inclined to downplay things. That time on the floor not being able to move though, has really spooked him I think.
We have arranged carers to come in twice a day, plus meal delivery, and his existing cleaner and gardener weekly.

And we'll just have to see if he perks up again.

Lighthouse, do you mean meds for the atrial fibrillation? We haven't got meds for that yet, but he's been prescribed blood-thinners as apparently he's now high-risk for a stroke.

Mighty, Ive written down that fab teflon comment, thank you.

Yolo, glad you got a break today. Thanks also for understanding on the "ways of doing things". I could gently remind them about my spinal injury period, I wouldn't have dreamed of telling any of my fab loved ones "how" to do all the things they did to help! I was just happy to have support.

I suppose parents think it's my obligation, though apparently not my sister's.

I was there for half a day yesterday, could have got absolutely tons done to tide them over till next weekend but instead got a few things done in the longest time frame possible.

Hello mighty! Love the quote- we should all embroider it in cross stitch and stick it on Our walls!
Glad you has a day off yolo.
Light, it is so frustrating when as you say you could have done so much...... I have been trying in vain to persuade dm to increase her milk order from the milkman as every week she almost runs out meaning I always have to get milk...... but no.
cockroach !

Was pleased not to visit today, phoned tonight to find out how she was. Not great, but home seeming to be in control.

Phoned DB to tell him - was awful, he reduced me to tears after I came off the phone. I am not kind enough to DM, I dont make enough allowances for her fear/panic, I am "probably burnt out" after 8 years of this, but basically I am not a good enough person (and probably also trying to cheat him out of his inheritance).

They have been thinking this for the last 3 months or so, but during that time I was good enough for them, their adult children and grand children to come round, be fed/watered/entertained while they all stayed in DM's seaside location 4 bed house when she was in hospital/care home.

Gutted.

@OhdearGod

Sorry I missed your post earlier. Yes, mum is on similar, I'm not sure what the mechanism is but it's supposed to help with AF as well as helping with the risk of stroke. She was considered high risk for stroke after the first AF attack. So hopefully that will help your dad. It took her about two weeks to settle into those, she was around 75 when she got them.

I hope your dad feels better soon.

Yolo

Cross post

Hugs. Don't care how unmumsnetty it is! Just want to hug you!

Yolo. So awful.

Dealing with elderly parents often seems to lead to catastrophic breakdown in family relations. People just get really paranoid.

Yolo that fails the 'is it true is it kind is it helpful' test on every level but especially the first.

Reading this thread makes me see that we should do only what we can live with for ourselves because others will never understand what caring involves.

thank you so much, I am so grateful for any hugs and support. Awful thing is, DH said to DB and SIL 2 or 3 weeks ago, how great it is that DB and I are on the same page. and they smiled and nodded and continued eating DH's wonderful cooking - but they didnt really agree at all,

Why do that?? why not say, 'we'll just pop round for a drink but we really need to talk about x and y and z' and say what you want to say and have a face to face conversation?

What happens is that small niggles build up in tired minds to become bigger problems and resentment piles up. Eventually someone blows a gasket without realising that the other party will have just as many grievances.

Families can get very volatile during an elderly persons decline and funerals / wills / selling houses can trigger similar blow ups. I've seen it happen three times now.

Oh yolo a huge hug from me too. Are they s£&# scared she wants to move their way?
You do not deserve this. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

littlespace you are absolutely spot on.

I rarely post but I read daily.

Yolo I feel for you and identify so strongly with your upset. i am sorry that your DB and SIL did not communicate before an outburst. After all you have done every day for your mother - every day you have carried that burden. Unless you have that burden you can not understand all that it brings. I think your sound unbelievably fantastic and I wish you were on my side.
I think that the burden ( and it is a burden for so many whatever their relationship previously) of elderly care and responsibility is so little understood.

I'm just scrolling back to see posters' stories...

littlespace i think you are right. In fact I know you are right. But as I am the one with the daily burden I'm finding it really hard to deal with being the bad guy now. Planning to go to DM's house in the morning, remove the 3 things which belong to my children and one which belongs to me (kids stuff valueless but were specially made for them) and tell B and SIL it's over to them now, they can have whatever they want if it matters that much to them. There is some stuff of value, they wont know how to sell it to maximise its value, but if it matters that much to them then that's fine. Am just so bloody sad it has come to this, I never EVER would have thought it would, how wrong could I be?

Agree with Super, Yolo you have given your all and you are indeed undeniably fantastic. You can hold your head up high knowing that in every situation you have dealt with regarding your DM you have done your very best. Hugs x

yolofish

Sometimes you have to be the better person and walk away , I have been in a similar situation and always thought if I have to explain to you what you have done you will never get it anyway , so over the years I have just walked away from conflict with some family members

There are always two sides to a story but some people never bothered to hear mine

From reading your threads it sound like you have done your best and cannot do more than that , I am glad you had a day to yourself yesterday to pull back from the situation

Your B and SIL will be very happy with all of the money, trinkets etc but not so when they are dealing with it all full time

Do yourself a favour and withdraw for a few days / weeks to rebuild your energy and concentrate on the other people around you that do get it

yolo don't do anything now which is likely to escalate the situation.

Feelings are running high all round, unsurprisingly really, as the constant care and tensions takes it out of everyone. Maybe just do what you need to do to regroup, and don't contact your DB and SIL for a while.

I feel for you. I went through something similar with my family when my dad was dying, and none of us came out of it well. I think we needed to be kinder to each other and ourselves, in hindsight. (Although that hasn't stopped me being the difficult one with DM this time round...)