Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Hi all. I've been reading your updates and so many strike a cord.
DM has finally moved into her Extra Care place but it's not all roses. She is totally disorientated, and keeps telling me it's not what I led her to expect (but she can't articulate what that was). Unfortunately the place hasn't enough inhouse staff at the moment so the old care company are in charge of most of her needs still. This is bad news because it means dm is not being properly integrated into the life of the home and there is very little continuity of care. It's keeping me awake at night worrying and at the same time I'm trying to back off a bit and give a little more time to my own children. The usual pattern of guilt and resentment is playing with my head. Hope I can update with better progress next time. Any news of your df's move Bowed?

I'm at my wit's end with my DPs. No dementia involved just DM who fell 10 weeks ago walking without her frame and broke her leg and blind DF who is very impatient, unwilling to help her and moans incessantly. He won't pay for help. On top of that my DSis has had radical brain surgery for a tumour and been readmitted with complications and my other DSis is doing sweet FA.
I visited them this morning and quite frankly I nearly lost my rag. DM was trying to brush the kitchen floor with a broom in one hand and her Zimmer in the other, DF was shouting at her and saying he can't cope (he presses his pendant alarm at least 4 times a week). He refuses to pay for help (money's his according to him, for when he needs care 😡😡) and I seriously don't know what to do. I get called every time he uses the pendant, it's a 55 minute drive each way.
They won't listen to me, or anyone else. I left him phoning the GP demanding a home visit from the GP......
About to leave to drive 60 miles to DSis's hospital and just hope there's some good news.

Sorry for the whinge, I'm exhausted.

I have limited support, siblings have either NC due to her narc tendencies, emigrated or dealing with own issues, partner is trying but doesn't understand mental toll of guilt I feel.
She has not been there for a while but councillor said when this happens is like grief but the person is still there, the cruelty of the starvation is just a final hammer blow

I thought once the house was gone and she was somewhere safe and she could socialise she would improve, the opposite has happened and I can't do anything

Can I put the kettle on and get you all a cuppa and some chocolate biscuits?
I am so sorry to hear all the stories- I'm on my phone do can't pick up all the details and type but so many of you are going through so much s@&@.
Baddes- you sound worn out. Give up work and don't tell DM? My DM thinks I work far more than I do I have had to put boundaries in place- mentally sorted how much time I will spend on her issues and stick to it. To be fair she does not phone constantly- I would do call screening.
Zaza- sorry the care you had hoped for isn't in place yet. Please try not to worry. You have done all you possibly can.
Pink, Persephone, more.... please try and make sure your own needs don't always take a back seat. Sadly we cannot make them happy. We do what we can, and also protect our dc. Thinking of you all.

Well....how pathetic am I!?
The thought of someone actually caring enough to make me a cup of tea has made me feel quite tearful 😞😮

Hello all, just posting about my Dad who has been diagnosed with Dementia (mixed dementia). It's been six months now since diagnosis and he is so far pretty okay. However he doesn't want to give up his driving licence. He notified DVLA and his insurance company of his diagnosis and they took his licence away temporarily until more I formation was received. The upshot of all this is that he has to go for a driving assessment. I am taking him this week to the assessment centre and am dreading the outcome for him.
Th assessment is going to be very thorough and will involve a cognitive test, vision testing and a driving assessment....in an unfamiliar area at the busiest time of day. I suspect they have done that for a reason...if he can cope in those conditions he can cope with anything.

I am not sure what the outcome will be...when he was driving I never felt unsafe as a passenger....but obviously dementia is a degenerative condition. He has been without his licence for several weeks now and is missing the independence of being bake to get in a car and go anywhere. My Mum doesn't drive so they have been walking to places or getting in buses....obviously I take Dad to hospital appointments and I also take them shopping if out or anywhere else they need to go..

So I suppose I just need a bit of a hand hold for Wednesday....I am dreading him perhaps doing badly that day and being told he cannot drive any longer. He is going to be devastated if that happens.

I am taking him as Mum doesn't drive and she is going to wait home for DS who is dropped off at 4 from school cool.

We have to go to Kent and his appointment is at 3.30pm....it's going to be a busy time on the roads.

Thanks Sandwich, maybe a double vodka and Prozac on the side? Alfie I hope your df manages ok on Wednesday. good luck.

Oh badders you poor sausage! If you need a shoulder, ear or just to howl at the moon, please get in touch.
Things for me are calmish so I have time and energy to listen and make metaphorical tea.xxxxxx

Alfie. That all sounds very difficult. I hope it goes well x
Ugh. Just had a chat with fil and it transpires that he thinks his sister is starting with dementia and her dh keeps having strokes.
Bloody hell, getting older can be grim, can't it?
The hilarious thing is that I am in no way the favoured child - far from it! - and yet my mother had made me her executor and POA.
I feel very low about it all ATM.
I am resigning at the end of this month - I feel like I've failed but I have to look after myself - too many people rely on me

Hand holding from here too alfie.
Badders-put your own health up the agenda. You havent failed at all. you are doing too much. Make that timer your time.

Badders I feel the same. I feel physically sick a lot of the time, worrying if I'm doing enough/the right things/pushing hard enough for dm's care needs. But it feels like I'm over-dramatising to say this in real life.

Alfie, that sounds really tough, but obviously best to make sure your DF is safe for everyone's sake.

Badders, sounds like you're making the right decision for you atm.

for all those in difficult situations.

Wishing everyone a little bit of respite from the drudgery and the heart-searching. Dad went into his nursing home yesterday - he was told about it the day before and was lucid enough then to say he was looking forward to it. So perhaps my expectations were unreasonably raised - I visited yesterday and took him some stuff and he was very disorientated and a bit agitated. Wasn't making any sense at all. Called in again later on and he was fast asleep. Sitting in the lounge. With bare feet - so pathetic (in the old-fashioned sense of that word) to see. And nothing fits him as he lost so much weight in his 6 weeks in hospital (almost 1/3 of his body weight!). Early days though. And at least I don't have to get the train to visit him - it's close enough for me to manage the drive. For those people with parents actually in care - any tips about what to take in for them or what not to take? So good to have this place to come and be listened to. None of my children contacted me last night to see how it went - hard not to be hurt by that.

After my mum lost weight,she was always cold. Her skin was very dry and itchy. I bought her very soft clothing socks, dressing gown, soft scarf and hand warmers. Maybe a couple of soft blankets to put over his knees too.💐

Bowed, how about some nice fleece blankets (dad loves the ones that are sherpa fleece one side and a textured fleece the other) so they can go on his bed to brighten up the room, or over his lap - and wash easily as well.

Has he got some really good slippers? Dad has slipper boots (alas he can't get anything else on his poor feet) that open super wide, but the velcro fastening means they will stay on whatever.

How about making an 'All about Me' photobook? It will look nice propped up in his room, and will give the carers something to talk about with him - you can put pictures of all the family with a little bit about them, and photos and words about your dads life and likes.

Ask the staff too about what is useful - can he have a tin with specific food treats in? A mug he prefers to drink from? An music player loaded with favourites. Bring in DVDs to be shown in the lounge?

Whatever you get, make sure it has name labels in/on it. My dad is seldom to be found with his own glasses, shoes, cardigans etc, because he and the other people with dementia in his home seem to go around swapping them!

Big hugs to everyone, and hope you all get a bit of respite from the drudgery.
Finally managed to visit Dad in hospital today and heard that the CHC meeting is next Tuesday. He seemed OK and relatively lucid for a bit, but then the usual weirdness started: it took three of us to get him into the bathroom (he was convinced that the fire door led to the bathroom, which it doesn't) and he did try to wrench my shoe off with my foot still in it, which was a bit surreal (and sore, to be honest). There's no malice in it, it's just - odd.
Still not convinced that he can see properly either - no diagnosis as far as I can tell.
Gallows humour is essential at times. After Dad had wandered every which way at some speed, three of us (me plus a nurse and a porter) finally managed to get him back to his chair.
"There," said the nurse, "your daughter's here! Have a sit down and talk to her!"
His reply was to close his eyes and emit an extremely loud snore!

That sounds really very trying Pigeon. Mum complained that her eyes weren't working, but it turns out her eyes are fine, it's just her brain doesn't interpret the signals correctly.

Dad rang in a panic just now, his warfarin clinic had phoned to say his clotting times are dangerously long, and he had a late evening emergency visit to the GP for them to check him over. He's really not doing well atm as his legs haven't healed. Thank heavens they have the district nurses coming everyday - never thought I'd be grateful for mums diabetes!

How worrying cmot and yes thank goodness there is a hcp going each day.
Difficult day today. Mum very down. Told me she wishes she was dead (not for the first time)
Sigh

Badders, sorry to hear that - it's really hard, isn't it? My DM says that most phone calls at least once. I wish I or the system could help her as she is not enjoying her life any more - she knows she can't think straight/do stuff she used to do.

CMOT sorry to hear your news too. And Pigeon.

You have to keep laughing, don't you?

You do
Either that or rock vs k and forth in the corner keening
I lost half a tooth earlier - mouth full of mouth ulcers - ugh

Sorry to hear all the challenges you are all facing. And Badders.... please get some medical help for you! Please look after yourself. Your body is tell you something.
Hugs to all.

My mother frequently says she wishes she were dead. In fact, I think she is willing herself to die as soon as some domestic admin has been completed. She is lonely and complains that her friends are neglecting her, but of course they are old and frail too and have problems of their own.

I am currently at dentist waiting emergency treatment for my poor tooth!
Mum is lonely. Very much so. But won't do anything about it.
She has one friend (well, my friend) who is great with her and I'm very grateful
She sees me every day - or at least 6 days out of 7
She sees my sister when my sister can be bothered
And my brother about 3 times a week when he picks my dn up
So it's not like she has been abandoned...
Sigh
I'm taking her out next Friday for lunch
Been out with her this morning
Don't know what more I can do