Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Sorry you are going through this, it does feel like a betrayal at first, I also have had to wrap up nearly everything that made Dad's life meaningful- driving, his professional memberships, his subscriptions to magazines, and before that stop taking him to concerts, to london, to my home because he couldn t cope anymore. It;s horrid but it no longer hurts and I think that's because I just got fed up with feeling sad and guilty and accepted this situation is not my fault and i'm doing my best to make sure he's safe (he's now in a care home). You are doing the same and really old age, illness and dementia give us no choice but to manage things a step at a time.

Absolutely Bob.

How's it going Bowed?

Old. Bean bags. I feel for you having had similar experience when my mum was alive. Eventually I got in touch with social worker who was great at advising and arranging carers to visit daily along with other services available in their area(100 miles from me) My dad has dementia, lives at home with the support of carers, but has recurring health problems which I have to rush through to attend to. I've got to a point where I just couldn't keep going like this and I've taken some time off work as I wasn't able to focus or be the teacher my class deserve. I still feel in a state of constant panic and guilt about EVERYTHING but I'm hoping to have counselling soon rather than take the anti depressants I've been offered. I'm not ruling those out, but want to at least try to find other coping strategies. Dad has struggled being on his own so I visit every week and attend to all his bills and shopping. I cut my work hours to have more time with my husband and children and give dad time too but as I've indicated I have hit a brick wall in terms of keeping it all going. My point is - find out if any more help is available locally, because if you don't also look out for yourself you will make yourself ill and then be unable to help at all. Long term your situation is untenable , so don't feel guilty and don't be afraid to look for help. You could approach social worker as I did ( initially through the hospital when mum was in) or ask you parents GP for advice about what's available in your area. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Lartma2, well done for taking time off - I am also a teacher and am feeling very guilty about having to have time off for DS who is really unwell.
It sounds like you have a lot to do - my DM was at home with carers popping in, but as I am 200miles away, I couldn't pop in to support and she eventually realised she really couldn't cope and went into a Nursing home which was hard for her losing her independence, but she is safe and cared for and it gives me peace of mind. Is that an option for your DDad?

Currently feeling guilty that we have had to abandon the trip up there due to DS. Not sure when I will next get to go up.

Lartma2 this was me 2 years ago. Dad at home and getting more and more "challenging" me not coping at work and going to the canteen to cry in a corner (at the same time bro was diagnosed with schizophrenia and they lived together) I have taken a total of 6 months unpaid leave, my cousin was advising i go on anti depressants (he s a GP) but i had counseling instead which gradually allowed me not to feel guilty all the time. Dad was at home with carers for about 2 years, Inevitably he declined and is now in a care home. I don't feel guilty anymore but it took a lot of work on myself to get here. I wish you all the best. I am sure you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Hello all . Hope you are all doing ok- Zaza how are things?
Tilly- don't feel guilty about not visiting. Dc must come first. You must be worried about your ds- how is he?
Cmot how is your dad doing?

Bob, that was such a lot for you to cope with all at once.

Thanks sandwich - he is much better than he was, but this will be an ongoing health issue which will need a lot of attention, at least to start with.

When I phoned DM, she didn't mention anything about us going up to visit, so nor did I! The staff say she is doing fine, whereas she goes on about everything changing/going blog, etc - I think she's just trying to deflect her confusion onto the home !

Thank you Tilly. And Bob - that's the thing isn't it - what made life meaningful. Now he's stuck on a hospital ward he's done nothing for the last 6 weeks or so - and I mean nothing. Not read a paper, watched a programme, listened to music. Nothing. Hoping that when he gets into a home he maybe might pick up some of those things again.

Lartma2 that sounds to be a dreadful load for you. As Tilly says - is it time to consider a nursing home?
Things just crawling on here - no places found as yet. Just about to embark on my 5 hour round trip to see Dad (car, train, taxi - then in reverse!) which leaves little time (or energy) for all the other commitments today. Hope everyone finds the energy they need for today!!

One of the silver linings in this process was never giving any money to the dozens of charities dad supported and seeing the relentless wave of letters soliciting donations whittle down to a trickle and then stop.

Thanks for asking Sandwich, I'm in the same position as Bowed, I.e. dm still in hospital waiting for a place in Extra Care. It's week 4 now and like your df Bowed, she can't do anything like read or watch TV due to failing eyesight. We were told last week (for the third week running) that she might be able to move in at the end of this week. I'll believe it when it happens.

Sorry to hear of both of you with elderlies stuck in hospital. It's a sad system that they can't be moved faster - better for them and frees up beds for those needing hospital.

I agree, Bob, though in my case it's the bloody catalogues for all and sundry that DM somehow signed up for. And I'm not even sure if all her redirected mail is getting to me as the PO f'd up twice (found un-redirected mail in her porch) and the house is now sold. Hopefully there is no financial mail going astray!

Sorry your DM is stuck too ZaZa - we've been told maybe next week now too. Dad appeared to have had 3 breakdown company contracts! And yes loads of magazines etc. Thankfully not too many charity standing orders or whatever. Went today and he was really too tired to talk to me - so I left early and caught an earlier train. Was home in time to get some work done so a bit of a bonus there. I'm quite grumpy though - swore at the cat and at various recalcitrant inanimate objects...

Sorry for frustrated post; need somewhere to vent again!
After hearing that Dad was being assessed for CHC I'd not heard anything for a while; have spent half term trying to sort out wrecked kitchen and keep on top of things so hadn't chased anyone.
Got a phonecall yesterday to inform me that the meeting to discuss the assessment had been cancelled so I didn't need to attend: I did let them know that it was the first I'd heard of it! Apparently I should be informed of the result and I should be invited to the rescheduled meeting, but "don't call us, we'll call you".

Feeling really broken by everything at the moment. Hadn't the heart to cancel Dad's newspaper subscription today as it's so much part of who he is - even if he can't make sense of it (or apparently see much of it) at the moment. Still no diagnosis as far as I can tell. Only one nursing home will even consider taking him and he's been in hospital for ages.

Haven't seen Dad this week but apparently he's much the same.. and glad to hear I'm not the only one swearing at inanimate objects on a more or less constant basis!

Oh dear Pigeon it all sounds very tough, no wonder you are feeling frustrated. If your Dad is still stuck in hospital and care homes cannot take him that in itself is a statement as to the high level of his needs and good evidence for CHC. I would suggest that if you have the energy you look at Care to be Different's website as there are many people on there who have negociated the CHC system and it is full of good advice ( I am in now way affiliated to C to BD - just saying that because I got a snooty email from the mod on the Alzheimers Soc website for mentioning a commercial company). The transition between just about managing at home, and having to go into full time care is a very tough one for all involved. It had my blood pressure up to dangerous levels just under a year ago and I was signed off by my GP, you have all my sympathies. Don't try to do too much at a time. If cancelling the newspapers is too much, just don't do it yet ("sufficient unto the day"...).

So sorry to hear your struggles bowed,pigeon and Zaza. It is so hard to try and deal with the complexities of the invisible systems, your own lives and families- and still be able to find some time to grieve for who they were.
Bob is wise- rant,vent, and please don't neglect your needs.
Much and and there are always listen ears here.

How are things Bowed, Pigeon and Zaza?

A moment of light relief for you all - dad was watching the grand prix qualifying yesterday. Mum turned it off. When he asked why she said 'theres only one bloody car, I'm not watching that'! Seems she can't see the difference between all of them and thought it was one going round and round.

In its bleak way, that is funny, CMOT.

I'm trying to live by the mantra of sufficient unto the day (thank you, Bob, for enabling me to articulate that) but this week has got off to a bad start. We took my mother out on Friday to a destination that she loves, but it was not a good trip. By the time we got home after a day of trying to keep her content I was exhausted. She has just rung me to complain that she has spoken to nobody over the weekend and been alone since we "dumped" her home. She slammed the phone down when I said I couldn't visit her today, although I'll be running errands with her tomorrow.

Tomorrow, once again, I'll be trying to mollify her and placate her and it's just so wearing. I'm tired of being the one on which all her anger is dumped.

Sorry to vent. DP is at work and I'm spending so much time with my mother that I'm losing touch with RL friends that I would have talked to about this.

Oh cmot... you've got to laugh......
More- I feel for you and share your pain. We do so much and is never good enough/ solves nothing.
Just back from a lovely week away- ask DM how she is " terrible" after a week where two of my db travel large distances to see her with their families... but she moans and has evidently told these lovely grandsons off.... and the list of things for me to get sorted for her grows.
I keep telling myself I am not responsible for her happiness- and I need to protect myself. Same for you more...... and you must make time for your rl friends. We are all a friendly supportive bunch here but real life support if you can access it is priceless. Old friends you can natter with about life beyond elderlies. Who know you not defined by your DM.
It's all work in progress.
Went to see dfil in his nursing home- a mere shadow of himself even a few months ago. It is sad to see his decline- as if he has given up. The lady he used to sit by and talk all day to said she hadn't seen him for weeks- and it was a good job he'd told her his stories when he did as he couldn't now. One of the staff said it was as if he had been hollowed out. But he never complains, always says he is fine. Poor chap.
Hope this week brings positive moves for those struggling with the systems.

Can I come join? Mum is now in home after ten years of progressive worsening, I have done all admin and poa and due to her losing 'control' she has now effectively staved herself for nine months, I know it was the right answer as she was not safe at home but she is not here anymore in body and mind and I am not able to rationalise it all

Thank you for lending an ear, Sandwich. You are right about protecting oneself, but I find it hard when my mother rings up constantly and chips away.

I too have a never-ending list of things to do for her. She wants to declutter her house, but all that means is I have to take things to the charity shop or investigate selling them, etc. When we went to an antique shop to enquire about one thing, she wouldn't even speak to the lovely man. I had to conduct the conversation while she stood there mute. It's exhausting.

Hello, Persephone. That sounds very difficult. Do you have anyone to help and support you?

Hello all
Gosh that sounds so like my mum!!!
I am now her bloody interpreter - or that's what it seems like.
I begged her to keep the internet after dad died but no. Why should she? I do it all for her.
I'm even considering giving up my little job - I'm just so so tired.
Dh is away so much and it's all getting to me.
I've got some sort of infection ATM just as dh has left again for a week
I may have to have sick days this week for the first time

I had that same thought this morning about giving up work, but I'm sure it's not the best way forward for me. I want to keep working, and if I did give up, would find myself "working" full time for my mother.

Does this happen to anyone else?....
Me: must get ds1 some head and shoulders
Mum: oh, you shouldnt do that! It ruins your hair!
Me: well it keeps ds1s flaky scalp under control
Mum: humpf

• Mum then proceeds to by 3 bottles for herself!!

Argh

I only work 8 hours a week but it's every day and I'm just...knackered
It hasn't really stopped me going to mums or being less available which I had hoped it would - I totally understand for some is a big plus