Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

[bigTillyMint]

NMS, has your DM not had a diagnosis of Dementia yet? Apologies if she has and I should be remembering! Surely that should be on her notes?

Zaza, my DD was thinking of a gap year for a while, but now wants to go straight to uni. She has been saying that DC (mainly boys) that she knows who are having a "gap" year are doing nothing but lounging round/smoking weed/etc and that it is hard to find a decent job (that will help in the future) and then find someone to go on a gap year with, which is why she changed her mind

[bigTillyMint]

Infact, DM was only diagnosed 18months ago (because I hadn't realised things were so bad) and she is now in a Nursing Home, needing 24hour care. But she is 85.

[ZaZathecat]

Re gap year, that's what I fear ds would do BTM so I am strongly encouraging going straight to uni!

[thesandwich]

Hi all. Dd took an enforced gap year as she missed her grades due to illness/ stress partly due to the impact of ill elderlies( they soakup the stress even if we don't notice). She had a great year- not travelling the world, but a mix of studying, working, volunteering, and tutoring- she was so much better prepared for uni. Also she was able to recover from the stresses of school. Still early days at uni but she is far more ready than last year- we felt she would have given up by now.
Good luck to all fighting for their elderlies- it is so tough.

[Needmoresleep]

BTM, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost 4 years ago. I had driven down from London. But the nurse practioner was having none of it. Despite clear and worsening swelling, as long as my mother said everything was fine, everything was fine. She was pretty patronising. Apparently she and my mum have a great relationship and understand each other perfectly.

So I was painted as the bad one who dared suggest that there was cause for concern. Despite GP twice having given her urgent referrals.

Sandwich's DD had a gap year last year, and mine this. I think it is a good idea as long as they keep busy. Mine will do a ski season, then probably Camp America. She just completed a cookery course and they are letting her stay on as a intern, which probably means lots of washing up, but a free lunch each day and a chance to observe various cookery courses.

If she had not got that she planned to apply to a local call centre, probably to do nights which would have brought in some cash.

[bigTillyMint]

NMS, that is shocking that the nurse didn't pay heed to the diagnosis or you or the GP. I'm sure a strong letter would be in order.

And well done to the DD's on gap years - that is what they should be, obiously!

[Needmoresleep]

The gap year came about slightly by accident. DD was applying for a very competitive course and the school advice was to treat it as a two year process, and not get too worried if she did not get an offer first time round.

In the end she got two offers but did not have her first interview till late March. So as a way of ensuring the pressure did not become too much, we looked at things she might like to do should she have a year off. She had been very ill the summer before, so when her offer came through she realised she wanted to get out of the whole school/academic thing for a year. Its only now that she is saying she is quite excited about the prospect of University. She really was not ready in September. Yr 13 was pretty awful. And they all pass the stress around, so no one really escapes.

There was always the risk that she might attempt to spend the year in bed, so we laid down some conditions. And there has had to be a degree of parental "mentoring", though this has been less than I expected. They grow up a lot at this age.

I think it will really help her hit the ground running when she finaly starts University. The ski seaon will be hard work and she will need to be organised.

So no DC for Christmas. No excuses not to spend it with DM....

[CMOTDibbler]

Why not go away yourselves NMS? You deserve some relaxing time, and time to be you and dh for a change

[bigTillyMint]

Yes, NMS, go skiing?!
Is she "chalet-girling" or "crecheing" or "instructing"? One of my lovely friends met her lovely DH many years ago doing the ski season

[thesandwich]

Dd home for the weekend from uni- a different person in a very good way. She seems more grown up and happy in her skin- and taking all the opportunities plus getting stuck into work.
Her gap year was the making of her. And yes it needed a bit of parental" facilitation" but she really has benefitted. And she is loving Bristol!
Nms- go away for Christmas!!! You deserve it!!!
Hope radio silence means that things are calmish with elderlies.

[ZaZathecat]

Glad your dd's happy Sandwich.
Yes it's sort of quiet with my elderly at the moment while she waits in hospital for a place in Extra Care. The good things are that I am not constantly worrying about the next catastrophe and she is at the best, healthwise, that she's been for some time. The downside is the boredom for her (can't see to read or watch the small tv), and the daily grind of 2 visits a day for me to try to keep her sane.

[LadyHat]

Hi, can I join you. My grandmother has recently been diagnosed with (I think) vascular dementia. She is my dad's mum but my dad lives in Australia and isn't the best with practical support anyway so I guess it will be down to me. She is desperate not to worry us or be a burden so didn't tell us about the memory clinic appointment and has given different account of what was said to different family members so I am not sure exactly what the outcome was. She has been started on meds but they aren't for what she says they have been prescribed for. She lives in sheltered housing but is independent and looks after herself. She seems to have become so much more frail and afraid lately which is sad to see (she is 86.) I don't how we will manage when she needs more help, I live an hour away, I have a job and two young children and my youngest is being assessed for ASD and there is a lot to deal with there at the moment. The idea of not being able to take care of my grandmother is so sad but I don't know how I could manage it all. My brothers will help where they can but she is even less keen to let them help than she is to let me help. I guess the first step is to get her to let me go with her to the next memory clinic appointment.

[Sosidges]

I would suggest a Health and Welfare PoA, if she is agreeable. That way you can speak to healthcare professionals about her. You can complete the form on-line and if she is on low income there is a reduced fee.

[noneshallsleep2]

Coming back to the thread with a cry for advice! My DM has been getting quotes to replace a window, but they were so expensive she told me she's decided not to bother, and I could fix it "when she's gone".

She's now admitted to my nephew she's paid £2k deposit and the total cost of the window will be £6k. We all think she's being taken for a ride, but she's now refusing to talk about it.

She's become increasingly confused over the last year, but we don't have a formal diagnosis of anything we can point to. I think I need to be more proactive to get a bit more control, but I know that my mother is as fiercely independent as I am, so I'm dreading broaching it with her.

[bigTillyMint]

NSS, my DM was also fiercely independent. It all came to a head when her fridge freezer stopped working properly and she found the name of a man in the paper yo come and fix it. Luckily he was lovely and dIid fox it and also spoke to me twice for about 20mins each time about how worried he was about her and how he thought she had dementia. SHe tried to push money onto him and had no idea what she was giving/that she had paid before, etc.
It all opened the dialogue with her though because I was able to say how worried he was, etc, etc.

[bigTillyMint]

Could you ask her to show you the quotes and set the no. Of the one she's paid to find our what's going on?

[thesandwich]

Hello all. Hope things are as calm as they can be-hi none shall sleep.
My best advice re your mum is would she listen to anyone outside the family and set up poa/hand over financial issues? doctor/vicar/solicitor/neighbour/nephew? we have a brilliant financial adviser who convinces my il's and my dm to review their wills and set up poa.

[whataboutbob]

NSS- if you can find out who she pad the money to you could threaten them with contacting the Trading Standards Authority. A financial Power of Attorney would be good. She'd need to sign it of course and may need a lot of reassurance it is just to help, not to stop her doing things.

[OldBeanbagz]

Popping back in after my last brief message and amazed at how well you all seem to cope. My own DM is still in hospital but i'm hoping she'll be discharged this week.

So since my last message i've learnt to ask for help and have just got back from a week working away. Life didn't end when i wasn't in charge and no one got hurt

The only bad news is that after two years of promises DF has been told there's not enough money in his health authority for the Parkinson's treatment he was hoping for.

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

Hi everyone.
NSS, you could broach the PoA subject in terms of having it in place well in advance of anything going wrong. My dad gave me a suspended PoA when my mum was diagnosed with cancer - if (/when) he became ill himself it meant everything was ready to activate immediately. When he recovered last time we kept the PoA in place - I was very hands off but still had access to his finances when he became ill again.

I haven't been to see Dad in a few days - felt bad about it but as you say, OldBean, life didn't end and nobody got hurt... He's had plenty of visitors: his sister reckons he's worse than she's ever seen him and is unlikely to recover. I find it a bit easier getting bad news because I at least know where I am - whereas the 'but he might surprise us all!' is more than I can cope with.

[Needmoresleep]

NSS, speak to your local Citizens advice or Trading Standards Authority.

Your mum probably needs to write quite a formal letter of complaint to the supplier, demanding a refund or similar and giving a date for response before she takes things further. (Try the legal section here for sensible wording, for example was she given correct cooling off periods etc.) Type something up, and include that she authorises you to act on her behalf in this matter, and give your contact number.

The process probably will be that you need to get a non response from them before you can complain to Trading Standards. My experience was (DM had bought all sorts of "protections" which just fell outside "insurance" regulations.) that by having a straightforward and informed letter meant people phoned me and though I did not get all the money back each and every firm (about 15 in all!) gave DM substantial refunds.

The POA will take too long to come through, but hopefully this then gives a chance to raise the subject. I then had to hide banking stuff from my mum as her details had been sold on to all sorts of fraudsters/charities. If she did nto have her bank details she could not give them out over the phone.

[noneshallsleep2]

Thanks everyone - I'm going to visit her soon and this has given me some helpful pointers

[Bowednotbroken]

So the decision has been taken that Dad needs nursing care not residential care and the struggle to find him a place steps up a notch now that we actually know what we are looking for. Wish us luck! Meanwhile we're trying to help Mum reduce her outgoings by going through Dad's life and cancelling all the things he'd signed up to in the last few years - which feels as if we are dismantling his life and makes me so very sad. He's not dead yet but here we are cancelling his memberships etc. But Mum is going to need the money. And when we visited yesterday he wouldn't talk to us beyond a few mumbled words - pretty shitty day really.

[bigTillyMint]

Bowed, so sorry to hear that you have to start going through your DDads affairs - I had to do exactly that for DM when she went into the Nursing home, but it must be even more tricky for you if your DM is still at home. Have you got POA? I just pretended to be her for some of them as it was so much easier, but it won't be so easy to pretend to be your DDad.