Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Oh Giles I can't believe they won't contact you if they have your details and her phone book to contact friends, etc. I hadn't realised that the council take over if there is no known family.

Giles...I am a firm believer that it's not what you do for them once they are gone, but what you do whilst they are still here that matters and you have nothing to reproach yourself for on that score 💐
She was very lucky to have you x
I'm so tired today...didn't sleep well at all last night and then mum...
It's all getting to me a bit I think
Unfortunately dh is out with clients tonight so the poor dc will have a chip shop supper 😞

The council will contact me if they end up having good to arrange the funeral.

If family are found then it falls to them to arrange it all. They are going to pass on my details and tell them I'd like to go but they are obviously under no obligation to do so.

It's wait and see now.

Chip shop supper sounds good. Do whatever you need to have an easy/quiet night. Make sure you relax a bit later. Have a nice hot bath or something

Thanks again for the tips on handling bank stuff Needs, I got to the local branch of MILs bank today and they were really helpful. They've cancelled the dodgy direct debit (set to £65 every month the thieving bastards ) and given me advice on how to dispute the card payment she made to the other dodgy company.

The garage won't talk to us, understandably, so we're going to rifle through her paperwork to see if we can find an invoice for the work she had done. Thankfully she is pretty good at putting stuff in marked folders so fingers crossed we can find some evidence.

Her discharge this weekend is starting to look in doubt as her pain levels have increased, so we're waiting to hear from the Drs tomorrow about what is going to happen.

Badders we got pizza tonight, it's one of those nights. DW had to go to her relatives funeral alone as MIL couldn't and she didn't want the DC to go.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for everyone

Just heard that MIL has been moved from the respite hospital back to the main hospital so that they can investigate her pain. They must be concerned if they're moving her at this time of night rather than waiting until tomorrow.

Edd that sounds so familiar! PILs looking at large four bed new builds near us to get a downstairs bedroom. FIL isn't keen, so he's finding problems with everything they look at, which is a good thing in this case. I hope you find something soon.

Things seem to be going fairly smoothly with my DPs. They have had a quieter week this week, and DF is near the end of this first round of treatment. Still no cooperation about organising my visits though, which means I can't plan my time here as effectively as I'd like.

And to add to the excitement (because life doesn't stop happening when you are already overcommitted), DS got (attempted) mugged on Tuesday. Hit from behind, threatened etc. So needs to use a different route to/from school now, and police involved etc. But he's ok, or will be with support.

Cave, hope you get some answers for your mum. The not knowing is awful.

I seriously thought about giving up my job yesterday, not because I don't have time, but because I'm unfocused and doing it badly. I work from home, and feel obliged to do many more hours than I am paid for, because I am so inefficient at the moment. But I'll hang in there for a while yet.

Oh my goodness pickle. I hope your ds is ok and the police catch the muggers. Last thing you need right now.

My Dad is insisting on staying in the house long term and I have no idea how he will cope alone. At least there is a downstairs bathroom but it isn't ideal.

Mum is going down hill more rapidly now but I have no idea how long she has left.

Sorry to hear that pickle...hope they are caught!

Oh pickle so sorry about your ds.

People can be so nasty :(

Oh Pickle, that's horrid. Hope your DS isn't too spooked

Sorry for all those giving up/thinking of giving up jobs and having to cope with oldies living with them/moving, etc. I have managed to avoid all that, though sorting DM into a Nursing Home 200 miles away wasn't all that easy!

My mum has a chiropodist visit in her care home, is it usual in any of your experiences that this is a charged for service?

Hi all. Pickles- how awful for your ds. Hope it hasn't spooked him.
Toast- mil and fil paid for chiropodist/ hairdresser costs on top of care home costs. Fil had a sort of pocket money account at the home which we topped up for such things.
Sending sympathy to everyone juggling- fil's funeral was a week ago and we are now realizing just how much time and energy was consumed supporting him and mil. Protect yourselve, and your dc's.

Thank's sandwich yes this is the same here too. I was just reading about NHS chiropody treatment though, it seems in some circumstances it's funded by the NHS, not sure what these are though.

We had to pay. I think it is quite common for homes to use private chiropodist because NHS ones are fully booked.

I always paid for dad's chiropody in the home. It was £12 per session.

I think mum has a chest infection - back to dr tomorrow

Certainly in my parents area, you only get nhs chiropody if you are diabetic and at very high risk of developing severe foot problems. So dad (severe peripheral neuropathy, massively impaired blood flow to feet, ulcers on both legs) gets to see a chiropodist every 6 weeks, mum who is also diabetic wouldn't qualify.

Hello all, please can I join your party? I'm dealing with my mother's dementia from the neighbouring county, and feeling a bit worn down.
I first realised something was wrong in May last year because she was sending sums of money in the post to these con artists who lure people in with talk of big cash prizes (Phyderma, Vital Health, Gourmet Moments, etc).
I applied for Power of Attorney but when we went to the GP for a signature, they performed a memory test which showed how quickly things were going downhill. A subsequent MRI revealed frontal lobe dementia.
The medical professionals and I have tried to convince my mother to stop driving except now it transpires the DVLA cancelled her licence in March, so she's continued to drive for 10 months without a licence. She also let her insurance, tax and MOT slip between Aug-Oct.
Then on 29 Dec she had an accident. A small prang but obviously shit is going to hit fan. I found all this paperwork when her social worker and I did a sweep of her flat 2 weeks ago. I've notified the police of the situation and am waiting to hear. Fortunately she currently has a clamp on her car from an unpaid parking ticket!
It's all just too much for me to get my head around at times. And the hardest part is that I simply don't like her. We've always had a bad relationship. She's driven everyone else away, doesn't speak to any of her family. So this all falls to me.
I think when normal families deal with dementia they have the memory of who their relative used to be to give them strength through the darkest times but I don't have any compassionate feelings for her to draw on. I'm going through the motions and it's like a work task.
Sorry for the massive long ramble. I just hope some of you get where I'm coming from.

Imaginarycat, I totally understand. I think there are many of us on MN who have a difficult relationship with our parents which makes coping with them when they need help even more difficult.

I also felt I was going through the motions as if it was a work task on many levels. My DM is not a nasty person but we have always been on completely different planets and havent been close for decades.

Is she still living on her own? Now my DM is in a Nursing Home it is a massive load off my mind - is that likely to be s possibility?

Hope your mum is ok Badders.

ImaginaryCat that sounds like a horrible situation with you mum. Are you an only Child? Do you have a partner to help you out/offer support?

Well MIL hasn't been discharged, but thankfully we got the keys to the new flat so DH and BIL have spent the weekend moving her furniture over. Looks like she's going to be discharged next weekend instead so at least the Flat will be all set up for her and ready to go.

DH did ask her about the car accident we discovered (from the repair bills her bank statements). She says she reversed into a concrete pillar in a multi-storey car park and no other vehicles were involved. The reason for the huge bill is because her insurance company wanted to write the car off but she didn't want to be without a car so paid for it out of her own pocket. The bill was just over £5,000 - her car isn't worth half of that FFS!

So at least she didn't hit someone else, but I've told DH that he and BIL need to get a grip on the situation. I'm in favour of just removing her keys to prevent her from driving for now, but I think she needs to give up full stop.

Hide the keys. We did that with FIL / dementia / multiple traffic accidents.

You will be saving a life.

Oh my goodness Cave, how bizarre. In Feb 2015 (while still legally driving) my mother had an accident, the insurance company paid her £600 after excess, which was what they valued her car at. But she's adamant it's a classic, worth £20k, so paid £4k to have it repaired. This must be part of 'the script'!
Tilly I am indeed an only child. DP is supportive but has his own worries with his mum right now. Unfortunately mine is only 62, so a home feels like a huge step right now, and one she'd fight. So the SW and I are just trying to make her home safer, so she can stay there for a while longer.
She's also still working, although her boss (an old friend of mine) has admitted she's been no use for at least a year, he just keeps her on in case losing the structure of the 1 day a week she spends in the office is the final thing to completely tip her over. However, the other day I gave him permission to fire her and the information to do it on grounds of gross misconduct (lying about her driving licence). I figure it needs to happen sooner before there's an incident (her colleagues already have to minimise her negative impact on customers). The loss of income won't be a problem, and I could tell he was relieved to be given an out, even though he knows she won't take it well and will rail against him, threatening all sorts. I think he's a saint for letting it go on so long.

All sounds remarkably difficult
Agree re hiding the keys!
Mum and I have a very difficult relationship - it's odd how often the least favoured child ends up being the one doing most isn't it?

Little the problem with hiding the keys is that I don't know where she keeps her spare set. And I worried she was see that as an act of oppression and stop me getting anywhere near enough to try to work with her rather than against.
Anyway, the bailiffs have agreed to leave the clamp on until the matter is resolved, by which time I'm hoping the police will fit one of their own. Or the Court of Protection will have given me the authority to sell the car.