Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

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It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

It is so sad to see lots of new people sharing a difficult journey. Best wishes to all.

Good news giles

How are you doing with MIL cordelia?

pickle and littlehun it must be so hard, thinking of you

My parents are settling in at my house. Its a big change for us all, but going well so far. DM seems less bonkers than last week, temporarily anyway. On the down side we saw two houses today but they don't like the better one, and the other needs tons of work. They are not thinking sensibly about it, even Dad. And they won't hear of a retirement village. Think they'll be here for several months.

MIL has realised the carers in the home will take her out for a smoke, so she's a bit happier now thankfully. It's obviously not ideal that she's gone back to smoking (she hadn't since her stroke 6 weeks ago) but it's her choice.

DW is ill now, so I saw MIL alone today and it went surprisingly well, perhaps in part because I came bearing cigarettes!

Sorry pressed post too soon!

I'm glad it's going well so far Edd, hopefully as they see more places they might warm up to some so it won't be too long at yours... I can imagine how daunting that prospect is!

That's a lot of pressure, Edd.
Good news about Mil, Cordelia.

I fluctuate so much about my DPs, but at the end of the day it is their decision. I worry that he isn't getting the care he needs, that he isn't spending his last months in the best way, or even in the way he wants to. But I haven't been invited into those discussions, so just have to be supportive.

They live at a distance, so I tend to go down and stay for four or five days every three weeks or so and help with sorting out any problems, do errands, listen while they complain about each other...

And then when my mum is on her own, a whole new chapter will begin.

I'm worried about my Dad being on his own. He is getting shakier on his feet and will be so lonely. It is hard to imagine.

It is so hard when parents or in laws live a long way away. We had that situation with my in laws.

Yes, looking ahead to being on your own must be so hard after such a long time together; it must be much easier to bury your head in the sand. I dread either of my parents being left on their own. Esp DM. She wouldn't cope with that at all.

Yes, looking ahead to being on your own must be so hard after such a long time together; it must be much easier to bury your head in the sand. I dread either of my parents being left on their own. Esp DM. She wouldn't cope with that at all.

sorry

Care home fees question.... Cos I know how much shared wisdom there is here! PILs house is worth about 300k. If MiL goes into a nursing home (mixed dementia) how is that funded? Is it her savings, their savings, then eat into the equity of the house even though FIL and adult BIL are living there?

They are considering moving closer to us, but she will need a care home in the not too distant future, and I want to know how to help them make good choices!

If your FIL is living in the house, it isn't counted in the means assessment - whether savings are considered joint I think is more complex, and moves made when you know care will be needed are more complex. Great advice on everything is available in the AgeUK factsheets on paying for car

Thank you. I hoped that was the case, but DH was arguing! Does BIL make a dif fence do you think? he's never left home. If FIL goes into a home one day, would BIL living there prevent it being counted? Sorry, I'll look on Age UK.

Unless BIL is disabled, then him living there is irrelevant - if it was just him and your MIL, the house would be counted; but as your FIL is still there its FILs home and thats what matters. But if she goes into care and your FIL dies, then the house will have to be sold unless she has enough cash to still be self funding in which case you can rent it out etc.
Don't let anyone tell you that they should give away lots of money, put houses in other peoples names etc to avoid paying fees as this is deprivation of assets and will be found out.

Ok, no, not planning to jiggle things around. Just wondering what would happen to BIL. He's never lived independently.

FIL and BIL are likely to live together for a few years yet. I'd better encourage them to think about MiL leaving her share of the house to BiL so he is secure later.

Ho hum, off to do some research!

Not a good week here - dietician came to see my dad and he now weighs under 50kg and he's nearly 6' tall - there's nothing to him now. She just suggested adding cream and cheese to everything... and wanted him to drink the protein milkshakes he's been prescribed but won't touch

Then yesterday he had hours of sticky black diarrhoea - my poor sister was having to deal with that, then this morning the carer called to say he'd found him unconscious on the floor in his bedroom. We're now in A&E where they think he might have had a small stroke.. but they need to investigate the diarrhoea as well. He looks like he's been beaten up he's so bruised from the fall

I've had a flare-up of a stress-related condition and my siblings are at breaking point too

So sorry teatime

Oh teatime, that sounds traumatic.

I hope they are able to help him, and that you get some support soon.

We've been looking at show houses today with PiL. They are thinking about moving very close to us, which is unfortunately much further from their daughter and granddaughter. FIL doesn't want to, but MiL is determined. Does anyone have any idea about the progress of mixed dementia? I'm a bit worried that she will start this off now but not be well enough to manage when it actually all starts to happen.

Pickle, my DM has a diagnosis of mixed dementia. She was diagnosed almost 2 years ago and by that time couldn't count money, remember words for many common items/friends, etc.
She soldiered on.living on her own with carers coming in twice a week then daily, but she hated that. She was on meds and started forgetting to take them and was getting very anxious about everything and could no.longer operate the tv, etc. It all came to a head this time last year when she finally said she couldn't cope any more. The GP called emergency SS team and she was put straight into a Nursing home. She was v happy for the first couple of weeks then kept saying she wished ahe was dead for months and was put onto sertraline. She is now incontinent and can't remember anyones names (knows who I am) and can't really do anything (used to be v artistic/loved crafts)
She is nearly 86 now.

How old is your MIL and how far gone is she?

That is kind of what's happened with my parents pickle. When they started seriously thinking of selling up DM was capable of having a fairly sensible discussion about it. By the time they moved out the goalposts had moved considerably.

Now the plan is still to buy near me but in truth they need more support than I can give. I'm slowly turning dad towards a retirement place I think. But DM is completely in denial. And DP is already getting a bit fed up with them being here. Oh dear.

Can I join the thread? I have been thinking of it for a while.

I live about three hours drive from my parents. Both still around, and in their 80s now. So far so good and very few problems until now.

This week though, my mother has developed a bad back and can hardly move without support from my Dad, who can be a little shaky at times himself. They say they don't want to be visited. Not in an unfriendly way, but they are adamant they just want privacy to get on with things (hard to explain, but that is their wording) and insist they are coping.

As it happens I certainly couldn't go just yet as I have been ill myself with severe bronchitis and can't risk passing it on. I do plan to visit in the next few weeks though, when it will be less risky to do so.

It is so hard living at a distance. I work. I still have children in school etc. I love and worry about my parents. Just want to have the opportunity at times to offload with people in similar situations, and who understand.

Thank you Edd, Tilly.

She's 77, been diagnosed fairly recently. She's other health problems too so it's not clear- she's always been a bit vague! She seems physically frail now, very stooped and shaky. A little eccentric. A little off topic, etc. She worries about slightly strange things, gets a bit over involved in things.

I don't really think they should move- she knows lots of people there and the move will unsettle her. My BIL has always lived with his parents and is not independent. He needs thinking about too. I know it's awful, but I think if they move this year they will choose something quite different from if they move next year.

Topsey, hello! My parents are being a bit like this at the moment. They are being very private about their day to day life, but it's worrying because I can't tell how they are. There are things they need to do which are being ignored...

Thanks pickle. Yes, that is where I feel I currently am. Never sure they reveal everything and there are some signs that they might close ranks and be stubborn at times.

At the moment it is believed that her back us in spasm, nothing more and it will just take time to ease out. I think it has eased slightly, but still worry about my Dad having to support her to move around. He is in his eighties too. I wouldn't call him frail, he isn't, but is more shaky than he used to be.

I guess it just brings home to me that physically they are now at a more vulnerable age. It seems to have crept up on us somehow.

Reading this thread though (have skimmed and will gradually read all), I realise that I am still quite fortunate at present.

Brief NC just cos this seems like TMI. BTM is incontinence related to dementia then, or a separate issue?

It can be franks, as general loss of bodily control can be part of it. Swallowing can be impeded, balance, gross and fine motor control.

The incontinence could also be linked to someting as simple as a UTI, which many older people get. My mum has them frequently as she doesn't drink enough, and then tries to stop drinking the little she does when she gets 'caught short' not realising it is a vicious circle.