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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
EddSimcox · 22/01/2017 19:08

Oh god why did I ever agree to this plan? DM drives me nuts. I could never be her carer. It's awful them being here; and I feel mean and horrible even thinking that. What a fucking mess.

picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 19:32

Has something particular happened, Edd? I couldn't do it either. Can you tell your dad it isn't sustainable?

somethinginthecordelias · 22/01/2017 19:32

Edd, you are absolutely not horrible at all, it is a really difficult situation and you are absolutely amazing for letting them stay! Sometimes it just gets too much, and we all have those feelings of frustration - today DW didn't go to visit MIL because she just can't take another two hours of moaning and complaining, so I can't imagine how difficult it is when they're staying with you and you can't have that break Flowers

Mindtrope · 22/01/2017 19:47

Just dropping in- my 84 yo mother lives with us. Very hard going at times.

EddSimcox · 22/01/2017 20:29

Nothing special pickle. DM cries a lot, constantly asks the same questions (e.g. Cant make tea without asking 1. Is it ok? 2. Where are the teabags. 3. How do you fill the kettle? 4. Which bin? Etc etc) but if you get impatient and try to do it for her she gets upset, and generally has no idea at al how bad she is or the effect it has. Other than noticing people getting a bit fed up and crying more. Vicious circle. Or same story except losing things. Or same but she's bored. I am a heartless cow because it's not her fault. (That's my view not hers!)

picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 21:02

It's not her fault, but it's still frustrating! And the rest of your life is not geared up for it. It takes oodles of patience. How is your DP managing?

EddSimcox · 22/01/2017 21:39

She is cross too. Also with my dad because he expects 3 meals a day and doesn't help unless we're actually out at work, and doesn't have a plan.

picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 22:23

Oh dear. It's tough, they are so vulnerable, but making themselves more so. I just can't imagine having them here all the time. I can do one at a time, but somehow both together seems much more overwhelming. Christmas nearly killed me, with them coming in to make/ ask for drinks while I was trying to cook and serve for eight. After- no problem. Before- fine. While- get out of my kitchen!!!

That constant going over the same ground... Is there a distraction subject you can use? A song she joins in with, or a story she can be switched on to?

bigTillyMint · 23/01/2017 06:27

Oh Edd, the tea-making saga sounds very indicative of dementia.

Just how sustainable is it to have them living with you?
I hate to say it, but it can only get worse, and whilst living with you they will become more and more dependent and vulnerable. They would almost certainly need to move into some sort of supported living if they are with you for months.
Are you able to gently but consistently keep pointing out to them how much they are depending on you and how much help they will need when they move out?
Flowers

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 23/01/2017 08:18

Does anyone know if dementia assessments can be done when someone's in hospital? My dad was supposed to have his initial assessment with a community psychiatric nurse from the memory clinic later this week but I've no idea where he's going to be by then. The stroke unit only keeps patients for three days and then either transfers to their local hospital or discharges them, however I can't see my dad being sent home quickly especially as he was only discharged from hospital three weeks ago and he's so frail.

Lots of decisions are being put off until we have a proper idea of what's going on with his cognition though so we're really keen to get this done asap

On the plus side, the antidepressants seem to be having some effect - he's not mentioned wanting to die for several days now (baby steps ...)

bigTillyMint · 23/01/2017 08:36

Could you let the community nurse know the situation and ask if she would be able to come and do it at the hospital if he is still in, as you don't know when he will be discharged? Surely it doesn't matter where she actually does it?

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 23/01/2017 08:49

Mum certainly had her first assessment in hospital, and its well worth asking - it may be that assessments are done on the stroke unit by the memory team (after all, its going to be unusual that someone without a diagnosis has a stroke, and its the admission that shows this)

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 23/01/2017 13:29

Noit'snot- certainly patients can be assessed while in hospital ,for instance by members of the Care of the Elderly team however they would want to exclude any possible infections or other factors which could affect cognition such as pain, before doing an assessment. Basically the patient has to be at their baseline for the assessment to be valid. I would suggest asking to speak to the nurse in charge about your father being assessed while on the ward.

Badders123 · 23/01/2017 18:39

Edd 🌷
Well. Great day here. Dropped into mums after school run as usual except she is pale and not feeling well.
Transpires she had bad chest pain, nausea and cold sweats at 2am.
Didn't call anyone. Didn't take anything (she has painkillers and gtn spray)
So I phoned an ambulance - cue her not speaking to me whilst paramedics were there Nd being in a vile mood. telling lies to th the drs as usual...
Because her bloods weren't done til hours after the event they are only slightly raised so they have sent her home with a cardio referral - which she feels completely vindicates her behaviour.
Pretty sure she has had a mild heart attack.
Don't know what to do. She obv wants to die. So do I just let her?
Dh is away and im on my own and I'm so very fed up of it all.

ZaZathecat · 23/01/2017 19:17

Hi Badders, sorry you're still struggling. I'm struggling to answer the question because I often think the same myself, i.e. my dm is miserable so why are we all trying so hard to prolong her life? I suppose the answer is that I'd want her to know I still care, so if she is in danger of dying I will involve paramedics etc.
A little update from me: dm has been in the Home for about 5 weeks now. It is a weight off me because I no longer have the constant emergencies and I know she is being fed and kept more or less safe. I visit 3 times a week and dbro, who lives further away, once a week. I also pay an Age UK person to visit her for an hour a week. Despite all this, as her memory is so bad she still thinks she hasn't seen anyone for days at a time and is often tearful when I arrive. I wish the home could stimulate her more, with chat etc, but as it's a home for dementia sufferers there are very few people who can hold a conversation. I still feel guilty about the fact that she's sad and that I'm not on hand all the time to reassure her, but I am aware that the guilt is misplaced.
Edd I feel for you. I didn't have dm living with me but I did have years of visiting her daily to care for her as her dementia worsened and I am a very patient person but it drove (drives) me crazy. It's a little easier now I'm down to 3 visits a week, but to have her in the same house 24/7 - I'd be needing care myself.
All the best everyone Flowers

Badders123 · 23/01/2017 19:21

Zaza...no easy answer is there? 😞

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 19:24

Zaza, Badders, Edd. ConfusedFlowersFlowersWineWine

Badders123 · 23/01/2017 20:52

I'm supposed to be going to see her tomorrow morning
And I just don't want to
I'm so angry at her

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2017 20:59

Well it was "moving day" today... really not sure how this is going to go.

She hates when her routine differs and she's anxious already as obviously the hospital re issued all her prescriptions so the staff are going but what they say not what she's used to having. I think know she expected it to be just like at home with the staff being like me, a friend just dropping by I don't think she quite expected the similarity to hospital where the staff have "rounds" with other residents.

Now she seems more dependent on me than befire Sad

Gonna be a long week

Flowers to everyone

MaudOnceMore · 23/01/2017 21:01

I know only too well that feeling of irritation and anger. It is all so wearing. We had tears and panic attack in the car today because mother had lost her glasses, except I knew she hadn't lost them as I check every shop/cafe for glasses, gloves, bags whatever before we leave. Glassses were in bottom of handbag.

I'm exhausted, yet feeling guilty because I'm only seeing her once this week.

The usual buffet - Wine Brew Cake Flowers - for all in need.

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 21:12

The usual buffet!
I like that!
If only I wasn't indulging in the usual buffet in real life as well! I've put on over a stone in a month, but I can't bring myself to care about it. That will have to be next year's problem.

EddSimcox · 23/01/2017 21:35

Thank you all and loving the buffet too! Sadly, like you pickle, I have been too, comfort eating I suppose. Last thing I need is to have to shop or diet (hate both with passion), but it will surely be one or the other because I have nothing that fits!

Zaza, Badders, how awful. No advice, but Flowers Flowers Flowers

Giles, it must be hard. I'm already dreading that day. It will surely come for us at some point.

Maud, I know! Every day we have that. Ring, watch. Used to be hearing aid and glasses but there's so much to deal with we've given up trying to make her wear them!

Tilly, yes, my DM definitely has Alzheimers. But is refusing assessment and we've given up on that too. Perhaps when they have a settled place I'll go back to doctor / memory clinic and try and insist and try SS too. But there's not a lot that can be done. She's stubborn as all hell.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2017 21:56

I'm exhausted, yet feeling guilty because I'm only seeing her once this week

I was unable to visit at the weekend due to kids activities and of course my job and I've already been asked several times today not to leave it so long.... I spent today viewing the home, visiting at the hospital, packing her stuff up, picking kids up and gaming them to their swim class I then had to go back out after inhaling some dinner to drop her stuff off. I have been back less than an hour and thrown together a curry fir tomorrow to put on in the morning, making kids lunches I just literally got a chance to run a bath... I've been on the go since 6 this morning and no I have to go back again tomorrow and I don't have the excuse if it costing 4.50 a time to park.

A aaahhh

I just want a day to watch shit on TV whike kids are at school...

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 22:27

Bless you Giles.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2017 22:48

Honestly all of you are amazing. You all deserve more than BrewCakeFlowersWine

How you do it all I don't know. Amd I truly appreciate you all letting me let off steam here.

Hope tomorrow brings a better day to every single one of you