Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Thanks for the haloperidol tip- will ask cousin to ask.

The folic acid was because of some vitamin deficiency I think. Not sure, I've only come across it when pregnant.

joystir your post stirred up mixed emotions in me as my dm would love to live with me and I know it would reduce her stress. However it would turn me into a 24hour slave to her needs, especially as she hardly sleeps at night but wanders around looking for things that are right next to her. Even before she was incapable of cooking, cleaning, going out, feeding herself properly, taking herself to the toilet I couldn't have coped with her constant need to talk to me, repeating the same conversations several times an hour. I love her very much but I don't think she would have wanted me to ruin my life for her. It already feels like my life revolves around her. I would love it if it could work for us as it does for you.

The shock is very familiar Badders, to some extent we've even had that with the hospital this time because they were expecting her range of movement etc before the stroke to be typical 61 year old and it really wasn't.

The hospital seemed to think Age UK wouldn't help MIL as she's too young, but it's definitely worth investigating.

This morning we've already had a call from the hospital asking if DWs elder sister is really coming to visit today because MIL claimed DW had said she was (her sister has been completely NC with MIL for the past 10+ years), which is almost reassuring in an odd way because finally they appreciate something is wrong. Last time she was admitted she claimed half way through her stay that she was vegetarian and DW had told her all the meals were vegetarian (MIL filled in her own menu and the vegetarian meals are clearly marked) and no amount of explaining seemed to get the staff to believe that MIL had never been vegetarian to our knowledge and DW had said no such thing.

Folic acid might be for anaemia, vintage?

cordelia that sounds tough. me and DP haven't had any homophobia yet, but it's probably not far away. We get racism already but thats not personal - but also v difficult to live with.

DM refuses all pills so there's nothing we can do about dementia, depression, sleeping, any of it. V frustrating!

It is tough and our biggest concern is our DC overhearing it. It's just about bearable for us if we can focus on believing she's not truly aware of what she's saying but we don't want the DC to have to deal with that.

MIL is co-operative on the surface with her tablets, in hospital she's taking them all, but we suspect at home it's not the same story. There is always something about "They didn't deliver my prescription, so I've not had these for weeks" and it's quite hard to tell whether she has the pills and is or isn't taking them, whether the chemist/doctor messed up and missed them or if she's refused them at the door.

ZaZathecat I know that our solution only works because MIL is still very self sufficient- she can wash dress and feed herself, and she is very considerate in the main. We may have to revisit our plan that she lives with us for the rest of her/our lives if she becomes very confused and a danger to herself or us or the house. We do not spend much time with her beyond brief checks morning and evening to make sure she is ok and has everything she needs. Sometimes we will stay in her room for a proper chat. Sometimes (less and less) she wants to go our shopping or to visit family. She used to like going out to eat but her pleasure in food has diminished. Mostly she likes to be in her room doing crosswords or watching TV. when she is in a paranoid phase brought on by change (we are moving house in near future which has unsettled her, naturally) she can say nasty things but we do understand that this comes from fear and lack of any real control in her life. We do not turn ourselves inside out to improve the quality of her life- we have needs too and are not young. We do feel that as things are she has very little stress and is safe and warm and has company- we are always there for reassurance. And we are much les inconvienced than we would be if she lived elsewhere- we would have to visit almost every day, and she would not cope anyway. We all have to manage things the best way for us as well as for them don't we? So please do continue to look after yourself whilst doing what needs to be done for your Mum.

Hi can i join in, have a 89 year old mil who has fallen twice in the last 4 months, last time breaking her arm :( she lives alone about half an hour away and we visit weekly. Also my dad is 87 and he's really ill with bad cough at the moment. I just feel really awful for both of them - they used to be so well but in the last 5 months both have taken bad turns.

joystir I hope your dm keeps her health and you can continue till the end - it is a very happy position for her to be in.
bean, sadly their health seems to decline once the falls start. Lots of helpful advice from posters here if you need it though.

Just had an upsetting call with my mum. She and my dad are upsetting each other. His communication is really poor, she is impatient and used to it all revolving around her. I can't get down there until Thursday, so can't really do anything.

ZaZathecat Thank you for your kind words- and I hope that your visit to your mum this afternoon is better than you anticipate. Here the thing we've realised- my MIL could outlive us, and many of us are experiencing this situation. So there really has to be balance between the quality of your life and the quality of your DM's life. Have you explored the possibility of a care package for her so that you could have a day off here and there?

picklemepopcorn We cant solve everything, we just cant. By the time you go on Thursday they will have moved on from this issue maybe

joystir she's been in a care home for 3 weeks now following about 7 months in and out of hospital due to falls or UTIs. However she is not at all happy and keeps asking why she can't go home or come to me, so although I don't do all the work for her now, which is a relief, I feel awful that she's unhappy and still visit every other day.

Oh how sad
My dhs aunt is struggling - she is a very very difficult woman. She and her dh have pretty much lived separate lives for years and years
and now she is having to be his carer it's all going to hell
She says in front of him "I'm not a caring person. I can't do this" yet they WILL
NOT pay for care (they are very wealthy)

Oh dear, what a lot of difficult times.

Zaza, do you think you could visit your DM less often if you are coming away feeling so guilty? She is being cared for and is safe and it sounds like perhaps frequent visits are causing her to dwell on the possibility of moving out when she really is not going to be able to and needs to just settle in and forget about moving out (this took my DM a few months) Also do you think she is depressed? If so, are they trying/likely to try any meds?

cordelias, sounds like a very difficult situation for you, especially with your DM being so young. In retrospect, my DM appeared to start with VD following a mini-stroke or perhaps a series of them. She got a diagnosis of mixed dementia about 5 years later, due to us not living near enough to visit frequently (or I think we would have clocked it sooner!) Would it be at all possible to get her into some sort of sheltered accommodation if not a care home yet? Or carers (under the guise of cleaners/gardeners, etc) daily/a few times a week? DM was totally against sheltered housing and carers, but she did have a cleaner and a gardener (tiny garden, came more for a chat!) who came regularly and that worked OKish for a few years.

Edd, how is the clearing going?!

Oh dear.
Had a conversation with mum this morning...
She wanted me to re order her meds.
.....that I ordered and took to her last week.
🤔😞

Badders it was because DM was getting v confused about meds and not taking them properly that the GP fast-forwarded her yo the nursing home. That was with blister packs and carers twice a day.

BTM, at the moment I feel I need to go to dm a lot, not only because she's unhappy and wants me, but also because I'm not confident that the home is suitable for her so want to see as much as possible for myself. She complains of boredom, and despite a program of activities listed on the notice board I've never seen anything going on. It always seems very quiet with just a lot of sleepy looking people sitting around and the tv on. She also looks badly dressed quite often and not many of her clothes are in the cupboard. They may be in the wash of course but I wonder how organised things are. The last two occasions she was wearing the same, rather unsuitable outfit of white summer trousers, a red velvet top and sandals. And her undies were none too clean. We didn't have much choice of home as all the seemingly good ones had long waiting lists. Hospital needed to discharge her as she was a bed-blocker and this place had a space and wasn't too far away. I'm still keeping up the search for somewhere better, although I'm aware she may just settle in eventually.

cordelia yes, I would really struggle with that too. My DC are not too young so they are aware that there is homophobia out there, but they have never really seen it iyswim so it would be a shock, and terrible from their grandparents. That would be the last straw for me in terms of them living with us. I remember when they were younger going to great lengths to ensure they didn't learn about homophobia any sooner than necessary.

btm ok. thanks for asking. we have a skip full to bursting and another coming tomorrow. I think 4 containers (huge things) are going to storage. We managed to get a few items to the auctioneers today so we are getting there slowly. DM in tears a lot though, and intermittently furious (that no-one consulted her etc etc). Though in fact today she was quite good. Turning on the charm for the packers (intermittently) which surprised me!

I am trying to be positive but I am dreading them coming to live with me. It should be only a few weeks but even still it's going to be really tough. And yet my Dad has to put up with it all the time. He's a bloody saint.

Well, mine has been to the GP with cousin re groin/back pain, doc says there is nothing there, despite all of us managing to find a lump of what is either bone or cartilege or something that does not have an equal and opposite on the other side. Hey ho.

Apparently she has berated cousin for leaving her on her own all day today (despite him seeing her this morning) and seems to think he is her (dead) husband.

I am a bitch for being happy to be on the other side of Europe.

I think we are at the point where a care home will be sooner rather than later and we will all sleep better (if even more guiltily) than before. Her lucidity comes and goes in waves, you can have a perfectly "real" conversation about people, and books and programmes and politics (she loves Brexit ) and then next minute she is wondering where everyone who is "supposed to be coming for their tea" is.

Zaza, did yours go willingly to the home at first? If you don't mind me asking? Cousin has been taking mine to a very nice one near his house for haircuts and lunches but she is still lucid enough to know what it is, and refuses to stay.

Ah, well in that case Zaza, it's probably good to go more frequently.

Edd, 4 containers And staying for a few weeks - you will need plenty of !

If I come out of this not an alchoholic it will be a miracle

Oh, what a relief to find this thread! Isn't growing old a total bummer? My DM has Parkinsons, which seems to be progressing quickly . We lost my DF 3 years ago, and since then she's deteriorated. Luckily she moved 200 miles to be near us last year (I feel your pain Edd - the downsizing was HARD), and has a lovely sheltered flat...however she's currently in hospital as she fell getting out of bed. After a week of having a very rapid learning curve about hospital elderly care, with a frustrating lack of communication from the ward she's in, I am hopeful that she will get a rehabilitation bed, either on another ward or in a nursing home. Apparently there's a waiting list, but fortunately Mum could pay if she had to (one of the benefits of moving from the south to the north - she's got some cash behind her).

Edd, Mum used an organisation called Senior Moves to help her downsize. They work with the elderly person at their own speed helping them to decide what to take & what to get rid of. The lady who helped Mum was a godsend - there's no way I could have gone through the stuff DM and DF had accumulated after nearly 60 years in the same house as we live a 4 hr drive away, and Mum ended up moving quite quickly. Might be worth a look?

We have a preschooler and a baby so we definitely don't want them exposed to homophobia just yet.

DW is completely overwhelmed tonight, MIL had a fall this afternoon in the hospital and our DC are both full of the chest infection going round and it's all just too much for her. I want to suggest she takes a step back for a couple of days but apart from us there's nobody else to visit MIL so DW feels like she has to go every day (I've suggested just I go but it's difficult to anticipate the reaction I'd get from MIL).

It's tough, seems like everyone here is having a difficult time. It sounds like you're making progress with the clearing at least Edd? Hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks yes. We are going to get there, in the sense that they will be out of the house this week. But then we are just at the start of the next job, which will be deciding on the next stage while they "stay" with us. They did have a house to buy - on my road - but pulled out last week for various reasons. So we will be looking at either another house v near me, or, possibly but unlikely, private sheltered housing in a posh retirement village, further away but with other support on hand. Either of those will take weeks or months, hence my apprehension, but I understand why they pulled out of buying the other house. God knows what we do when they find somewhere, there no way it'll be big enough for even half the stuff that's going to be in storage. But we'll cross that bridge when it comes. I'll look into Senior Moves, thanks obi. But DM can't actually manage the thought process sadly.

Right now she is livid again. This time about being "treated like a skivvy". We've all worked our arses off all day, all she's done is a small bit of washing up. Aaaaaaggggh.