Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Mum livid again this morning. No-one told her they were moving.

Oh no, Edd! Mine are both alert and processing, though DFs language can be a bit patchy due to brain tumour. It's just DM has skirted being rational for years. I don't think I could have her live with me. When the time comes I'm going to suggest she stays with me for a week a month. That won't stop my life, will help her manage her potential isolation, and remove the potential strain on DSis who lives closer. I will look into home share and au pairs, too.
I'm dreading packing, should she decide to move. She can get a bit aggressive when things don't go her way. And she has journals and tourist paraphernalia all sorted by month and year and it will all need to come.
Anyway, I'm borrowing trouble when today has enough of its own.

Good luck Edd, hope she has settled down a bit now.

Hello again everyone, and happy new year. Thank you so much for welcoming me back in December. I bloody lost my log in details while in the UK so had to grit my teeth and think "what would MN carers do" instead of asking you during my very geriatric Christmas.

Mum had UTI for first few days so that was pleasant. Not. "how long are we going to play these silly games/the lightbulbs are dripping/there are 2 men sleeping in a car outside because their friend won't let them in the house" etc etc.

I have promised dd it will be the last time we go there for such a long time- it's too awful for her and it's not good even for Mum, as it's all so confusing who we all are.

The house seemed in better nick than when I left in September- a combination of the lovely neighbour who is taking it in turns with my cousin and my Mum herself who after a lifetime of being of the frame of mind that life's too short to mop floors, will now clean bathroom from top to bottom every time she even brushes her teeth.

Managed to get rid of a few binliners of clothes- and got her some new stuff, she is now a size 14 but no matter how many size 14 jumpers and easy to put on trousers I lie in full sight, she will come down in a pair of size 22 ones from donkeys' years back and a summer t shirt on back to front.

Guilt now at coming back here, mixed with joy and relief at not having to be there, listening all night for her getting up and wandering round. I rang her when we landed here and she told me she had been locked in by my cousin and was missing a family party. He has been this morning and she has told him I didn't ring last night.

And so we go on.

for all, and thanks again for having me!

Oh God Vintage, that's so close to home for me! The uti at Xmas, all the weird conversation, taking dm back and forward to the loo all the time, hoping the dc were enjoying Xmas even slightly. The uti is gone now and dm more with-it, but now much more aware that she's not in her own home ( she was moved into a home just before Xmas). She hates it and wants to go home or live with me. She has no recollection of the last 8 months of hell trying to support her in her own home but spending half the time in hospital after numerous admittances via a&e. I'm heartily sick of being the brunt of her anger and frustration - but we also love each other so there's nothing to do but bite the bullet and keep visiting. Ranting again

Hi vp I sympathise on the clothes front. My DM wears the same thing every day, even though she has wardrobes full. I've managed to reduce by about half with her consent (laboriously trying on everything even when obviously it wouldn't fit) but she'll never wear the rest either. I've bought her new things but even though she chose them she doesn't recognise them as hers so never puts them on. If I try and help she just gets cross.

Finding it all a bit hard tbh.

I was thinking of you over xmas vintage. All sounds very hard and please dont feel guilty for being back home! Utis cause very distressing mental issues in the elderly. I hope your dd is ok now?
Just been talking to Dh about mum.
He gets - understandably - quite frustrated by my siblings lack of involvement and care. I'm rather more zen about it these days :)
My sister was away over Xmas and new year - she got back about 7pm Thursday night and has texted mum but not been to see her. Missed mums b day too.
I know my bro took her to lunch today after I called round.
Sadly conversations with my mum are quite superficial - not due to dementia - but because any in depth discussion will result in her feeling attacked/not respected/criticised and then she starts with the whole "I wish I was dead" thing.
So I keep it all very light now.
It's a shame, but we are both happier I think.
Mum started asking me about home insurance earlier (her renewal is due) and her boiler inspection.
I just breezily said "oh well x (my sister) sorted that out for you last year, didn't she? Just give her the info next time you see her"
I'm quite -pathetically - proud of myself for not just taking the paperwork and sorting it myself.
Baby steps.....
😊

Well done Badders!😄

Thank you!

Go you Badders! That deserves rewarding yourself

Mums carer has had a big clear out of her clothes, and has hidden all the summer stuff, plus rotates things around so on the days she supervises mums bath she gets things from the bottom of the drawers as mum was wearing 2 outfits on rotation. She was also, alas, wearing her pyjamas out - none of which dad had noticed. He mostly looks vagrant, though the carer is now working on his appearance - he is a stubborn whatsit though!

When I worked at the nursing home my silliest actions was putting lovely lady's dress on backwards.
There was even a brooch on the back!
How did I not notice!?

God vintage, I know the feeling well!
Concerned friends and relatives always phone me after they've seen Dad - the ones that are a bit more au fait with his condition know to take everything with a pinch of salt, but the endless "he says you haven't been to see him at all, worries that you're terribly ill and by the way could you buy him 48 pairs of socks and another sweater as he's had to borrow someone else's and he's freezing..." can get very wearing from other people.

My MIL had a nifty trick with her DM, and bought a diary where everyone who visited could write in it. Nothing much, just "Pigeon, Mr Pigeon and the fledgeling came round and had a cup of tea" sort of thing. Might be something to consider? (I speak half to myself here..)

Some cracking ideas on here to remember when I need them! Well done Badders, you'll have to give us lessons!

That is such a good idea re the diary pigeon!
My mum has no dementia but has also got rather odd re clothes...she has some lovely others but wears the same pair of too short trousers and manky pink fleece
Drives me mad
(and she knows I hate pink!)
She was complaining her bath mat hurt her bottom (she is very thin and bony) so i ordered a cushioned one from Amazon and its "not right"
I dont know why. She seems annoyed it's got holes in 😒
So I shall have to send it back

Argggh Badders! Smile and nod and step away.......

I try to leave flowers (luckily there is a Lidl round the corner) or a card. That way my mum is reminded that she has had a visitor and this seems to comfort her. (And other people can spot it as well!)

Well done Badders.

My mum has a manky pink fleece too. Though the current favourite is a thick navy jumper with frays, holes, and the shoulder held together with safety pins.

DB who until now has been a bit useless is suddenly being both kind and useful. Hoorah!

I am going to try and have a sort out of her wardrobes in the spring with her - she has lost more weight (but is now stable again) so she knows she has stuff that no longer fits and if I take it to the air ambulance charity shop she will be ok with it (she and dad always supported the air ambulance)

it is for sure not easy looking after elderly parents, especially when they don't live with you. Luckily for us my 83 year old Mum is able to live with us- we have turned her room into a bedsit to give her as much independence as possible, but we do make sure she eats well, including cooking for her sometimes. We do most of her shopping- occasionally she will come with us, but increasingly does less and less. She can manage to keep her room tidy- we deep clean it now and then. She does her own washing, sometimes we help cart it all up to her room when its dry. she needs increasing amounts of help. She has mental health problems but these were much much worse when she had the stress of living in her own house alone. If she still lived alone we would be there constantly, or we would be feeling worried and or guilty- it works for us to have her live with us- she has company, and is safe, with no stress.

So sorry Bob and Sandwich - hope you're coping with all that your losses bring with them. X

Hi, I'm not really sure if it's appropriate for me to post here as MIL is only 61, however she's got quite a few health issues (heart problems, COPD, just had her second stroke) that makes her need care as well as some signs of vascular dementia.

She's in hospital at the minute, and it seems like she's going to need even more care when she comes out. DW is currently buried in trying to work out what help she can get, the hospital have mentioned we may have a harder time accessing help because of MILs age, and I think both of us are just a bit overwhelmed.

MIL can be quite difficult (She too has a pink fleece she insists on wearing) - she's always had odd mood swings and I'm not sure if it's really an option for her to come and live with us. DW and I are both women and one particular example of her mood swings is that 75% of the time she's totally fine with it but the other 25% she will come out with the most vile homophobic things and we genuinely aren't sure how much she can control that IYSIM. But living independently will probably be quite difficult so it's a bit rock and hard place at the minute.

That sounds tricky, cordelia! Good luck with that, it's terrible that her youth would prevent her getting suitable care.

Thank you bowed- all ok here now we are getting fil's funeral sorted.
Hi to all- sorry to hear the challenges.
Could age uk help with your mil Cordelia?

Mine had a pink cardigan and some shocking pink summer trousers on when I arrived for Christmas. Both now in the charity bag. My cousin whips the bags away as soon as possible, otherwise they are back in the wardrobe again.

I am a great hoarder myself, but sheesh, the stuff I find when I pop upstairs "to sort a few papers out" and do a version of the 15 minute fling with a bin bag. Dd (who is almost 14)'s summer sandals which I know I threw away years ago. I think what started to happen over the years was I would leave bags with Mum when we had been staying - she was driving up until 2 years ago- and say "drop me this in the PDSA" and it would somehow get shoved in a wardrobe.

Could I ask about medication? We were wondering if, at any stage, medication is changed? Mum was diagnosed just under 2 years ago- and obviously has progressed very quickly- as I said, she was driving until early 2015 (seems incredible now) She was put on donezpil (is it?) and takes one a day. She also has a statin for high cholesterol and recently the GP put her on folic acid. I wondered about some form of tranquiliser/sleeping pill as for every night she goes to bed at 11 and surfaces at 9 there are 3 when she wanders round the house until 3 am and is then in the loo 10 times (spitting because there is a bad taste coming off the car fumes) before getting up for good at 6.

Hope everyone is having a nice quiet weekend. We are back abroad but the schools will be closed tomorrow for snow, (to dd's delight)

Vintage....haloperidol is an effective drug given at night...it's an antipsychotic. Why the folic acid?
I'm lucky in a way that neither of my parents are/were hoarders. Even so, after dad died, we still filled a skip with stuff from the loft and his shed.
Old suitcases, Xmas decs, broken computers, strange engineering tools that no one cold identify!
God, what is it with pink fleeces and cardigans! ? 😂

Cordelia...my mother is only 71 so people are always shocked when I tell them how frail she is (also has copd)