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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 06/01/2017 08:21

Well done Badders!
Garlic, it's awful isn't it? But we and the health service are obliged to make them limp on until every last drop is drained.
Sorry for your losses Sandwich and Bob. Sending Flowers and strength to deal with this difficult time.

bigTillyMint · 06/01/2017 09:34

So sorry to hear that news Sandwich. And Bob too. Flowers

Edd that sounds very tricky. Can you get a professional to talk to her/tell her where she/they need to move to?

Garlic, that sounds really hard for your DF. I think lots of old people have had enough and would rather die. So sad that they (and we when we get there) can't have a choice in the matter.

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 06/01/2017 12:56

Oh sandwich, I'm so sorry. Flowers

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2017 13:03

I hope you don't mind me posting. The person I help care for is not my parents. However I'm pretty much thrown out lyrics person they see and what started out as a friendly chat and very little assistance has kindly of morphed into alot more. I don't want to post too many details in order to protect privacy but anyone who can tell me what happens, and where to start when it gets to having the inevitable difficult conversations and sorting out care or a home etc , well I'd be very grateful.

I apologise for bothering you if this isn't the right place. Sorry fir what you all are or have gone through Flowers

EddSimcox · 06/01/2017 14:18

I don't suppose I should say this here because I'm not entirely anonymous.... but this is truly awful. For DM of course but also Dad and everyone. I can see years ahead. Fuck old age. It's shit on legs.

Meanwhile, I'm filling a skip and they are paralysed by the enormity of the job. And crying. And I can't be kind and get anything done, so I don't know what to do. Sorry, hope you all don't mind me ranting a bit. Reading what you all are going through of course makes all this seem trivial. Sorry.

pithivier · 06/01/2017 14:26

I know that feeling Edd. When you cannot do the right thing because they cannot understand the choices being made. Even though it is the only choice, the heartache and the guilt are unbearable. It's a bit like trying to swim through blamanche.

pithivier · 06/01/2017 14:31

Giles, I expect that the decisions will have to be taken by their nearest relatives. If they are not available, the the Local Authority will appoint a Social Worker to oversee their needs. Possibly they will have to apply to the Court of Protection for the financial side of things. AGEUK are excellent for giving advice about how to proceed.

Bless you for caring enough about this elderly person, My Stepfather was very fortunate in receiving help from many young men and women who lived in his street. They made such a difference to his life.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2017 14:38

Thank you pit

I shall give them a call. I know the hospital are keen to arrange a package but I'm very aware it my not be enough very soon plus they may be a teeny bit stubborn too

I really just don't want to see them ripped off but at same time I don't want to be seen to be influential either... Tough situation.

Will definitely try age UK. Thank you

thesandwich · 06/01/2017 15:30

Thank you Zaza, BTM and pigeon for your thoughts. Much appreciated. We are getting through the red tape now and planning his celebration- and yes the horror of the past few months- and past years challenges are fading as we remember who he was and what he achieved.
DM still going strongish so I'll still be here.......
Sorry to hear about the challenges newbies are wrestling with. And I echo the mantras of others;
You cannot make them happy
Your children have one childhood
Put your needs up the agenda
Enlist people in authority- vicar/ police/ doctor to deliver the tough news
Get all the help you can
Facilitate- - not do
The inter web is your friend
Rant away here!
Chocolate and wine are good medice😄

pklme · 06/01/2017 15:42

Hello! Just popping in to see what is what. My DF is very ill, my DM is very difficult, and I'm dreading the future. DM is keeping me at arms length at the moment, and I'm worried that eventually I will have to pick up the pieces. She isn't very independent and without DF (he has a 1 in 4 chance of surviving a year, with aggressive treatment) she will struggle.

Like you Edd, I'm looking at a big house with big furniture, full of crap long loved possessions.

It's good to read about what other people are doing... Thank you.

thesandwich · 06/01/2017 17:10

Hi pk and edd. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Enlist what help you can.
Also as many say get power of attorney while you can. And ask away or rant- lots of wisdom and experience here!

Badders123 · 06/01/2017 17:21

Yes to PoA!!
I'm mums PoA for both heakth and financial affairs and I know it has given her peace of mind to have it as she knows I will put her best interests first.
I think so older people are quite opposed to doing it though(Dhs aunt springs to mind)
Can be quite pricey so shop around!

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2017 17:32

With regards to POA can you get it if you are not related?

And can family members (if they find out /if they are any) query/contest it?

Jumping gun I realise but it would be handy to know as medically at least I'm. Aware of what she wants

Badders123 · 06/01/2017 17:45

Yes you can
My pils are PoA for their friend

garlicandsapphire · 06/01/2017 17:47

POA doesnt need to be in the hands of a relative - see attached.
www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview

Also if you need advice on how to choose a care home, paying for care, your right to a care assessment, access to benefits (including non means tested ones like Attendance Allowance), home adaptations etc try the charity Independent Age 0800 319 6789.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2017 17:48

Thanks. If there's family there's no communications as far as I know. I've only ever been asked to contact a friend. No family is ever mentioned

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2017 17:49

Thanks garlic

Id not have known where to start so appreciate the numbers/age UK suggestions.

Huge huge help. Now I just need to find out about family...

EddSimcox · 06/01/2017 17:52

Everything in a drawer has been there for 20, 40, or 50 years. Everything more recent is out in a pile. No exaggeration. Disposal of a broken biro requires debate.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 06/01/2017 17:59

Oh dear Ed, that sounds really hard to deal with. Would they be amenable to renting a storage unit and you packing (or preferably getting someone else to) up the house for them? Then they could sort one box at a time without pressure - obv you could go through and get the important things separately

My dad is a terrible hoarder (he would tell you he is a collector, but obsessively collects things, so he has 4000 horse brasses for instance) and as my parents bought the house in 1967 it is stuffed to the gunnels with stuff, so I am glad it is unlikely to come to him seeing it emptied

OP posts:
pklme · 06/01/2017 18:20

My mum is resisting getting POA for my dad. She's burying her head in the sand. I think that is why she cancelled my visit, because she thought I might mention it.

thesandwich · 06/01/2017 21:24

Is there an authority figure they would listen to re poa? Vicar/ family friend? My DM will do anything for a man in uniform😉

pklme · 06/01/2017 21:31

I'll have a word with someone next time I am down there, that's a good idea. To be honest, DF would want to have it and has tried in the past, it's DM who is generally avoidant and a bit self absorbed. She got hysterical when he asked her about it before, when both of them were well. Ho hum. We were somewhat banking on it happening the other way around, as he has always been the only one who can handle her.

EddSimcox · 07/01/2017 00:08

Yes CMOT, that's what we're doing. All I'm doing is extracting as much actual rubbish as possible before the packers get going. Then it's all in storage until they find somewhere to move to. Meanwhile they'll be at mine. Without stuff.

pklme · 07/01/2017 07:02

Maybe they'll enjoy it, Edd, and agree to letting go of the stuff they stored. How long will they be with you, do you think?

EddSimcox · 07/01/2017 07:32

About 3 months I suppose. They're not all that easy to live with, and we're a pretty full house already so it's going to be interesting...

We also have to cross the POA bridge as soon as his house is sold. In fact it's sorted already, they have an old style EPA, but it needs to be registered with the OPG I think. And Dad needs to accept that he has to take control of her money etc. It is great he wants to preserve her autonomy, but when you can't actually make decisions it doesn't help. Really feel for you on that one pklme.