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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
MoreElderlyParentWoes · 03/01/2017 11:35

Hi, WonderWombat, yes I do. My mother finds it hard to focus on anyone's needs or concerns apart from her own. I haven't found a ready answer, beyond trying to steer the conversation onto other topics. Even that is tricky, because she's a great believer in "telling the truth", which often translates into being tactless and rude.

I suspect my mother is depressed and am looking for ways to steer her towards counselling. Could similar things be happening with your mum?

WonderWombat · 03/01/2017 11:42

It's hard to know. She has a bit of hearing loss, but will wear a hearing aid if that's difficult.

My own suspicion is that she may not be neurotypical - and this affects her ability to converse. However when she was younger and had a busier life, there was a wider range of remarks she could make, so it was less obvious. Also her oddities were more masked by the fact, that she was constantly on edge because of my late father - who was moody and controlling.

I suspect it's more about detaching and being super-patient as I am (more easily) with my elderly father in law who has dementia. It would be good to think that in the later part of her life we had a good relationship - but it isn't really going to happen

thesandwich · 03/01/2017 13:44

Hello all. Sorry to hear of the challenges- and welcome newbies! Rant away or ask away.
I completely see the shrinking world and limited conversation- my DM is obsessed about the bins and getting them in after bin day etc plus many other minor issues..... when other major stuff is going on affecting her family around her. It is how it is I'm afraid- focus shifts to toddler like selfishness. Sorry !

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 03/01/2017 14:20

My father's been similar for a while - his world has shrunk to his immediate concerns, mainly his aches and pains. He will always ask how my dog is but not about Dh or the children and he's simply not interested in what I'm doing unless it's something to do with him ...

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 03/01/2017 14:58

Noitsnot- my dad is far more interested in my chickens than in me/ds/dh!

But generally he isn't interested in anything outside his little world. Which is somewhat trying tbh, but I think is very normal as peoples world shrinks.

However, my mum did (and now her conversation is totally limited to) have little scripts that covered up her failing language. So a 'health' related situation would trigger the knee one for instance. She couldn't be diverted from it at all.

Abbey, I decided some time ago that much as I love my parents, my ds only got one childhood and I didn't want christmas to consist of him getting yelled at because they couldn't cope with him being there. So now we visit for 2 hours max, and at least an hour of that is having lunch in the pub they go to everyday. We don't go on Christmas day now (which of course I feel bad about) as it was just working at all.

Welcome to everyone

OP posts:
2ndSopranos · 03/01/2017 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZaZathecat · 03/01/2017 15:20

Ah yes, the limited conversations. I now remember fondly how dm used to go on about supermarkets not giving out plastic carrier bags any more and 'what are we supposed to line the bin with now?'! Sadly her specialist subjects are even fewer now.

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 05/01/2017 14:45

Happy belated new year to all. 2ndsopranos, hope your Dad got a bed?

Dad moved into his care home just before Christmas and seems settled. The nursing home were quite shocked at what hadn't been done by the hospital but seem to be really good at looking after him. He did recognise me for a short period but then completely ignored me. It's very hard to talk to him these days as he has no memories really, just fragments - and if I try to join in he looks at me as if I've lost my mind. I did try looking through photos with him but he was disinterested to the point of seeming rather disgusted at the idea (they were my wedding photos, I tried not to take it personally!)

Apparently he has become fixated on leaving the care home, having initially been quite happy - which the carers say is pretty normal but is so sad to see. It's also what happened just before he got better before - I know his condition can fluctuate (whatever it is) but it's so hard to cope with the highs and lows. The prognosis at the moment is palliative care for years - which, selfishly, seems horrible - he's always been such an intellectual soul and not being able to read or have any interest in current affairs seems to have stripped away most of what he was. Not having memories either seems especially cruel. I completely get the limited conversations - it's all I can do to let him witter away and then say something generic like "I hear Spurs beat Chelsea!".

But, I shall dutifully visit again when I'm over this bloody virus. The care home is 2 hours away so even a short visit is something of a day trip.

ZaZathecat · 05/01/2017 15:47

Hi Pigeon, my dm also got found a care home (not nursing) just before Xmas, so we are also trying to adjust. She's certainly not settled yet. She veers between the severe dementia when the familiar uti is present, to being coherent but depressed/fed up when she's medically better. I've told myself I need to wait at least 2 months before I can expect her to be used to it - but I don't hold out great hopes for her being Happy.
Is your df's home so far away because he wanted/needed to stay in his own area? I just wondered because when SS were helping us find a home they asked me what areas we would consider.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 05/01/2017 16:04

I've had a few days of chasing up things which should have been done but haven't... I'm now waiting for the social worker to turn up to discuss my dad's long term care needs ... I just had to wipe his bum and get him dressed again as he needed to go to the toilet in between carer visits but I bet he cheerfully tells the social worker he doesn't need any help at all Hmm

ZaZathecat · 05/01/2017 16:16

Sounds familiar noits!

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 05/01/2017 16:27

Hi Zaza, Dad needed a specialist nursing home because his condition is quite complex: it's one of a handful in the country apparently. It isn't near anyone at all which is hard going: I'm the closest of anyone he knows at 2 hours away!

ZaZathecat · 05/01/2017 16:33

Oh yes Pigeon, I think I remember your previous posts now. I was so worried that dm would be put far away as I was told that all the homes in the area were full up, but they found one eventually. I wouldn't say it's great, but it's not the worst I've seen either. It must me very hard having to travel so far, but it sounds like your df wouldn't be too aware of how often, or not, you visit.

2ndSopranos · 05/01/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 05/01/2017 19:19

Good news that your dad is out 2ndSopranos. Could the heart thing be Atrial Fibrillation? Does your dads heart ever beat funny?
I've found my dads discharge letters to be very useful in finding out what is actually going on with him - he has AF, heart failure, kidney failure and a whole host of other things Sad

OP posts:
Badders123 · 05/01/2017 19:37

Hi all.
I have AF...
It's not heart failure - it's a heart rythym disorder.
The BHF is a good website for info and poss medications and procedures for AF
I am having yet another heart trace done tonight...it's very tiresome.

Badders123 · 05/01/2017 19:38

From memory with older people commonly prescribed meds are things like beta blockers and blood thinners

thesandwich · 05/01/2017 20:26

I just wanted to let you all know that fil died peacefully in the nursing home on New Year's Eve after we had been on high alert since Boxing Day.
He had been there for 6 years following a severe stroke but had only recently deteriorated significantly since the autumn. Poor chap he was ready to go but it is hitting Us all hard especially dh who is sorting out the bulk of the practical stuff, and planning a funeral to do him justice.
Very best wishes to all of you.

Badders123 · 05/01/2017 20:37

I'm very sorry for your loss x

EddSimcox · 05/01/2017 21:58

Hello, jumping in because I'm sitting here with mum asleep in armchair wondering what this year has in store. DM has Alzheimer's. Dad is 82. They are moving out of a big country pile next week, with nowhere to go other than my house. Dad thinks they'll buy a house near me, but mums recent deterioration is making some kind of retirement village option look much more sensible. Mum won't hear any talk of 'old' or 'care' and thinks she could basically just live on her own. And is mega cross about the move too. God knows what's going to happen. How are we even going to get through the next week? There is so much to do, and they are hopeless!

thesandwich · 05/01/2017 22:26

Thanks Badders . I just saw whatabout bob has lost her df too on another thread.
Sending [ wine] to all and Flowers

thesandwich · 05/01/2017 22:27
Wine
garlicandsapphire · 06/01/2017 00:57

Exhausted and emotional. My mother died suddenly in February and after initially doing well my DF 89 is now stuck in hospital (3 weeks now). He got a perforated bowel and had to have an emergency operation now fitted with a stoma. He is desperately depressed, cannot handle it and just wants to die. We are trying to get him to learn to change it and get mobile so he can get home. But even then with a care package I'm worried how he'll cope. I'm starting to think he would've been better off dying as he says. Its awful.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 06/01/2017 07:20

That sounds very difficult garlic - my father is constantly saying he wants to die but he had a pacemaker fitted in February and apart from the mobility, cognitive and continence issues he's remarkably healthy otherwise so we can't see that happening any time soon ...

Badders123 · 06/01/2017 08:06

Oh how difficult - your poor dad Sad
My mum has only just turned 71 and oct and Nov were awful - kept saying she wanted to die.
Her health is frail but she is very fit compared to most parents on this thread -
She just misses my dad so much Sad
I think she finds life very hard
In other news - mum has been complaining that she can't do some cleaning jobs (lifting and windows etc) and instead of saying "I'll do it mum" I have asked my friend at work who is a cleaner to pop to mums once a month and mum has agreed!!!