Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Hello all. So sorry to read the updates and the welcome to new posters.
Bob you must be exhausted- you don't know whether you are coming or going- a permanent adrenaline rush. Take care of yourself.

Thanks I am exhausted, when I go to bed I don't know if Dad will still be alive in the morning. But I have prioritised getting some sleep and turned off my mobile on the basis that if he does die over night i won't be able to get there anyway, and I need some rest to cope with the rocky road ahead.

Hi Bob, that's so stressful when your expectations keep having to change from one extreme to the other. I been through it to a lesser extent with dm but not life or death like you are going through.

Thank you Zaza. I feel normal for a while, then I remember- Dad's in hospital and they don't really expect him to pull through. Then I think he's strong, he'll surprise them all. And it goes round in circles. I'm off to the ward tomorrow to eyeball him. Feel I have let work down (2 of us out of a dept of 25 were supposed to be on duty tomorrow, my manager has been very gracious but I have left her with a big logistical headache). But I have to prioritise Dad.

So sorry to hear that Bob. You aren't letting work down - in the circumstances no one would expect you to be able to concentrate on work

So sorry to hear that Bob.FWIW I had an agreement with my Brother that I wouldn't know until morning when Mum went and he had the same with the Carers (different time zone) . In the event I woke up the second he was told by the Carers and he then did Line me but I was awake anyway.

You will need your strength and I think you have to do whatever you have to so you get through

Bob, just do what you have to for your dad. Work can sort it- that's why managers are paid to manage. Take care of you too.
Mirabelle nice to see you! How is your dd doing on her travels?

I managed to miss the bit about work Bob and then tally agree with the others, your Dad and your health cone first.

Nice to see you too Sandwich. DD arrived back just before Christmas and planning to stay now as found a Scananavian winter with the la k of light plus cold a bit harsh. How is your DD doing, is she now at Bristol?

Hello everyone. First time posting in this section. Similar story to bob, got a phone call from family member late on Friday night dh's dm was unwell ( chest infection) and they'd called 111. She was admitted. We live 300 miles away but regular phone calls, and he visits every month. Phone call yesterday at 4 pm to say she's gone septic, so he jumped in the car and went. No idea what will happen over next few days and to complicate things his df has altzeimers so am v concerned about him being home alone . I have been saying to dh for months we need to start to look at homes for his df but he's been resisting. I understand it's hard to face, but there have been several occasions of him going missing ( his dm seems oblivious to his needs and regularly leaves him without asking anyone to keep an eye) . So worried now. If dm recovers then she will be ill for weeks and dh can't stay with them indefinitely. If she does not then what do we do with df? Not sure how much support there is from social services or how we would ask for help. Any advice?

It all seems so cold written down like that, I'm trying to see what can be done practically because dh will struggle as he'll be v upset obviously.

Hi Mirabelle - Happy New Year! Must be lovely to see your DD, but has her change of plans thrown you?!

So sorry Bob - that sounds really difficult. Don't worry about work - just do what you have to do.

Idontbelieve, it's a tricky situation to deal with, especially at such a distance (don't I know!) - you could try to get carers in immediately and see how that goes? Can you DH go with his DF to see the GP and discuss how they are going to manage?

Thanks everyone for your support I am on the train now, apparently he had a comfortable night and might be rallying. Work have been nicer than I expected with someone stepping in today. I don't, it might be time to request a social work assessment for the ILs. In a weird way with MIL not around this could be an opportunity to get some carers in place. You can ring up SSs ( the referral does not have to come from a professional).

Idontbelieve, SS have been helpful in finding respite care for my mum when dad has been in hospital. Do you know if they have enough money to pay for some respite care for your FIL while things settle? If so, you could ring round some homes and see if there are any beds available

Good news that your dad seems better Bob. My thoughts are with you

MirabelleTree - the worst part of the Scandi winter is before christmas imo. Certainly in Helsinki it is grey, damp and dark, but when the snow arrives and it all dries out in the air it seems so much brighter

Thanks for replies. They only have their state pensions and less than 8000 in savings, although apparently fil does get attendants allowance, would that cover carers? I have no idea how much anything costs at all. Apparently mil said she could manage and there was no need for carers. My dh dies not tell me much, although it's clear they can't look after each other and need help.

Care is means tested and if they have less than £23000 in savings they should get help. Unfortunately AA will go nowhere near paying for carers, unless it's just a few hours per week. A social services care needs assessment is the way forward.

Thank you bob. Looks like dh is with them for the week as mil still on an ab drip so I'll ask him to ring ss on Tuesday. It's amazing we've all muddled through till now as they are almost 90!

Hello all.
Idont it may be worth your dh contacting age uk who may offer services and advice for the area- they can offer paid garden help and sometimes carers too. Our local authority has useful pages on its website for contacts.
Good luck.
Thinking of you all.

I don't believe, agree that SS is the way to go now. They do a financial assessment and with under 23K a year they will fund up to 4 visits from Carers a day.

Glad things are a bit calmer Bob. Focus on keeping yourself as well as you can through it.

Happy New Year BTM! I hope your DS is improving and all as calm as it can be with DD given it's year 13 ! It hasn't changed much really apart from one extra in house during building work.

CMOT they had snow, the novelty wore off rapidly and I think she did need to come home. We're on our way home from London having seen a musical for her 18th which is shortly and i think she has learned to appreciate the UK (the place she was very keen on being away from!)

Thanks everyone for the replies and good luck to everyone in this awful situation.

Hello everyone, new here and the wonderful Zaza told me about this thread.
I haven't read it all yet do apologies if I've missed something - will read on the train.

So mum has early onset alzheimers. I suppose technically not elderly and main carer is my dad. She is physically perfect so we could be looking at 20+ years of this. Which sounds an awful thing to think I know but the last few years have been so hard already.

I have 2 toddlers which neither of my parents can handle the noise of right now. Christmas was hard as I was labelled a bad parent for not getting them to sit in silence for the full 3 days we were there...

Finding it really hard at the moment as I'm sure we all are. And pretty alone. Also am responsible for disabled brother in 24 hour assisted independent living too so don't have siblings to help.

Hello again Abbey. I have a dbro who is good, although he lives an hour away and works ft so can't take on as much as me. Many here are in a similar position to you though, either no siblings, disabled or simply unhelpful siblings. And many of us recognise the tug of war between needy parents and your own children, and with the support of people on here I am trying to put the dc first. I know it's right but I still feel terrible re dm.

Sending good wishes to you all. My mother took a couple of months to settle into the care home. A lot of it was getting the right meds into her system. Once that was sorted she improved physically and, what with eating socially with the others put on a bit of weight.

I was very lucky with her care home, and she started to get quite bossy as her mantra was "it's my home I can do what I like".

With regard to the health scares and hospital admissions, I do sympathise. That generation seem made of cast iron. I think that hospitals are naturally over cautious in their predictions. You do have to try and put your own needs first.

Mother and stepfather are both gone now, I would be lying if I denied it being a relief.

Of course it's OK Soprano! Our parents never stop telling us off, however old we get, do they? Sorry to hear of your df's problems.

Hello everyone and wishing you (as far as possible) a happy New Year.

My mother has been much nicer to be around this week, so I thought her big row with my sibling might have led her to modify her behaviour, but I overheard her on the phone yesterday guilt-tripping her friend about what a miserable year she has in front of her. It seems to me that, however supportive they want to be, people of my mother's age have plenty of problems and concerns of their own and simply can't take on other people's woes. My mother's very high expectations of what other people might do for her underlie (as I see it) much of her sense of grievance about people 'failing' to rally round. Should I say this to her or would that be unkind (or simply, I fear, futile)?

Hi. First visit to this thread. Rather a trivial problem really.

My mother is 90 but in reasonable health. She lives in suitable accommodation and my brother lives nearby and is able to help her out with lifts or other practical matters.

The problem for me is that she has always been rather odd in terms of conversation. She has a limited number of topics usually relating to her own concerns. She will make little statements about her health, the neighbours, domestic appliances, shopping etc. But she does not seem to have the ability to show interest in others or make general conversation - and this is getting worse as she gets older.

I visited her for a post-Xmas meal and found it very tricky. The conversation was lively but she took no part. If I'd leaned over and said something like, 'How's your knee pain?' she would have lit up and talked about this at length. But I wasn't sure about how to balance a kind of tired daughterly sense of duty - with an awareness that other people's anecdotes and stories and arguments were more appropriate to a festive meal with 7 people round the table.

Does anyone else have this sort of (small) problem?