Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

@noitsnotteatimeyet certainly no judging here - we're all walking the same path! Tell the hospital that you do not think it will be safe for your dad to be discharged on Friday. You are unable to provide the level of care he requires and he is non compliant with outside carers. Use terms like 'falls risk' (has an OT assessed his home for trip hazards?) and 'carer breakdown' - these seem to concentrate peoples minds!

If you can persuade him to have a short break/ convalescent home stay/ 'oh the doctor said you could do with some looking after for a bit' that would be great, but it won't get organised before christmas

@treaclesoda, pull up a chair, have a tea/wine/gin and share the stress. I find it massively helpful to be able to talk honestly about it all

Oh teatime that sounds so tough! Nms has good advice- stand firm. Vent away- loads of wise women who have been in your shoes.
And welcome treacle- ask the unaskable, share your feelings and howl at the moon if you need to.

I have also been following this thread and wanted some advice re my DM. Up until 4 months ago she was an independent 81 year old living in a retirement complex (not sheltered housing). She was very well physically and then said she felt shaky and stopped wanting to go out because of it. We went to the GP who diagnosed anxiety/depression & put her on a low dose of citalopram. After a couple of weeks she was getting worse & worse so they upped the dose. A week or so later she was in a very bad way, ringing me saying she didn't know where she was & very distressed. I took her back to the GP & they did a blood test. We found out her sodium levels were very low & I had to take her to A&E that night. She was in a few days but when she came out she was still in a very bad way mentally. She starting doing a funny wailing thing and shaking her hands & sort of seemed 'locked in' to herself. We had to get the mental health crisis team involved & emergency carers in. They put her on an anti psychotic drug & initially it seemed to help & calm her down & she was OK with the carers coming in & the mental health team visiting. After a couple of weeks she went rapidly downhill again. The mental health team refused to treat her until physical things were ruled out. I ended up calling an ambulance for her she was wailing and shaking her hands around & kept going out into the corridor of where she was living & shouting for help. She was taken back to hospital & they did various tests but couldn't find anything. Her mental state was no better & I refused to pick her up for her to be discharged until she was assessed by a psychiatrist but the mental health team who she was under said they couldn't come in to see her as they are the home treatment team & she was in hospital. After 2 weeks she went home with carers popping in & I knew she wouldn't cope, she was getting worse & worse & she again kept going out of her flat wailing & asking for help. In desperation as I was worried about her safety I took her to a local care home for respite. The mental health team kept visiting at the home & put her on some ADs. She has been there for about 6 weeks in the residential side & things have gone from bad to worse. She spends most of her time asleep now & refuses to really engage with anyone. She hasn't been eating or drinking properly & was hospitalised the week before last with dehydration from a urine infection which she has had on and off & doesn't seem to be clearing. She only came out a week last Monday & the home called an ambulance on Friday as her breathing wasn't right & she had very low blood pressure. They've found she has a pulmonary embolism in her lungs so she's currently in the Coronary Care Unit. She is responding to treatment but its very serious & she is having some heart issues so have asked me as next of kin if the worst came to the worst would we want her resuscitated, I can't believe how quickly this has all happened as in August she was a completely well 81 year old, who I noticed was getting a bit down but nothing more than that. She is self funded in the home & now I will need to see if they can take her in the nursing side when she's discharged but Im or sure it's the best place for her but as it's all happened so quickly I've not had chance to look elsewhere. She hasn't got dementia but she has got severe depression & just tells everyone to go away & leave her alone so it's really hard to find the right place for her. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted a bit of advice as this is all so new & has quickly gone from a mental health issue to a serious medical one. It's so hard as my brother & sister aren't local, my DH works long hours & I gave a DD8 and DS12, my DS has Aspergers so it's really hard trying to sort everything. Meanwhile my poor lovely DM is lying in the hospital having absolutely given up.

Oh user how sad for you. When they decline so fast it is really tough. Sounds like you have done everything you can and more. In many ways a familiar place may be better for your DM than moving her- are you happy with the care? And please put your dc's needs and yours high on the list over Christmas. Take care.

CMOT - your poor dad - hope things are more settled today.

Zaza - that's great news hope your mum has settled in?
Badders - wishing you a swift recovery.
Buttered - I agree the care home is a horrible place.
I agree to just go along with whatever they are saying - my dad keeps asking about his own mother - who has been dead around 40 years now but I just say she's fine.
And venting here is such a safety valve - I don't want to moan in real life as people are going to get tired of listening to me sooner rather than later. It's so reassuring to know you're all here listening!
Went to see Dad this morning and he was very agitated - wanting something but no idea what. He asked me to take him home with me - broke my heart to say 'no' but really I couldn't cope with looking after him. Then I put some Christmas music on in the car to 'cheer myself up' - and what came on was the final line of 'I'll be home for Christmas' ie 'only in my dreams' - oh dear. Am still tearful about that - when is it wine o'clock?!

And user - trying to decide about whether to resuscitate is such hard work and so painful. But you have to think what is best for your mum? I know that's stating the obvious but it's so hard to sort out your feelings about how much you'd miss your mum from what actually is best for her at this point in her life. Such a quick decline must have been really shocking. My dad's dementia went downhill slowly over a number of years but then nose-dived once he went into hospital for a physical issue - really really shocking. Take care of yourself - this is a hard time.

My MIL is a horrible person and she's been horrible to DH for as long as he can remember. Now she's sick and we're faced with trying to help her but she's impossible. That's it really.

Badders Yes, the long goodbye :(
Bowed My mum says it's a nice place, so that's the main thing.
Milly Must be so hard trying to help someone that has been horrible to you and your husband, it's hard enough when you love them. Best wishes.

My parents are in their 80s and my dad is very frail. It's nowhere near as bad as some of you are having to deal with so apologies if this seems trivial.

But they're really not up to the job anymore of properly looking after themselves - cooking, cleaning. Particularly cleaning actually. But they are so independent that they get resentful when I try to help (which I'm happy to do). I'm so fed up with going in to find the kitchen in a mess and then getting snapped at when I clean it. Part of me wants to snap back that there are elderly folk all over the country whose family don't even visit, whilst I'm willing to help. But then again, they're not asking me to do these things, so I can understand them feeling that I'm violating their space.

treacle my situation is similar. I want to help and am able to help but feel frustration that I can not offer the help they need in a form they find acceptable. Always a balancing act with my own DH and children to look after too and leaves me feeling I am letting them down if I do not manage.

To everyone else with bigger worries than mine this Christmas I find reading this thread makes me try harder to get it right whatever that might look like!

Thank you sandwich and bowed for your advice. I visited DM yesterday & physically now she is doing quite well. She's off oxygen & they are talking about moving her onto a general Ward soon & will maybe even discharge her in a couple of days. She is still as anxious & depressed as she was but at least at the moment she seems physically a bit better. Thinking of everyone this Christmas who are dealing with similar issues, it really is so hard to see people you love deteriorate before your eyes.

I took my mum shopping yesterday and for the first time she acknowledged to me that she had a memory problem. Previously it's all been explained away by her as being down to age.

However - I know I need to do more for her, and that I need to develop a better attitude with her (I think she can see I am figeratively gritting my teeth). My new year's resolution I guess.

for us all.

Thanks Buttered

Notaflying - I have one of those! At the moment too busy stressed out with my Dad to worry too much about my mum, makes me guilty really as I should be doing more for her.
As the only child of divorced elderly widowed ailing parents, it's tough sometimes!

Dads, that seems to be the worst position to be in. Mine probably propped each other up, my dad as the brains and my mum as the brawn, for several years. If they had not been together, each would have needed support far earlier. Though negotiating with the other parent or a sibling can be pretty draining.

Well he's out of hospital and it's not going well .. he's refusing to use any of the equipment the OT provided, wear the non-slip socks or use pads - he's now incontinent at night. He's supposed to be having 4 visits a day from carers but my sister's been there since 1:30 when he got home and no-one's turned up yet. She can't leave as she needs to make sure the carers have keys and my dad needs help with washing and dressing

It's a bloody nightmare - he's going to fall again and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

He promised he'd co-operate with the carers but he's been in such a foul mood all day that I think that's unlikely...

Oh Notits, nightmare. It's made all the worse by the time of year...

Mine has Ben home 10 days and gone downhill. He's picked up a cold/flu'ey bug and it's gone to his chest and wiped him out. Dr called out yesterday and antibiotics given. His once a day morning carers don't give a shit, they left him this morning with a soaked through mattress (he fell asleep holding large glass of water!). Somehow he'd managed to push mattress against radiator and draped duvet over another radiator. When I went round this afternoon, it was all left like that. He was sat in dark, not eaten all day and very weak. I cooked him dinner, sorted bed out, cleaned up a bit and then had to leave. I despair.

I'm feeling sick at the prospect of going on like this for weeks etc. And bloody Christmas just 36 hours away. I'm torn between home and his place. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

This is shite

Commiserations Noits and Dads and everyone else going through this. Noits, that was dm a few weeks ago. She finally made it into a care home 6 days ago and immediately started getting hallucinations etc again. I told the care home on Tuesday tgat she wasn't normal and may have a UTI. I stressed we'd been through it all before and recognised the signs. They said they'd try to get a urine sample. Nothing happened and, lo and behold, tonight they phoned me to say she's back in a & e because she was 'dizzy' and was found on the floor in the toilet. Fab timing. Why couldn't they have just got a bloody sample on Tuesday and she could've been ok by now. I think I need to run off to the sweary thread to ley off steam!

Bloody hell ZaZa

Noits - sorry for the Notits tag! No offence meant

Dads it's just so inadequate, the care given by agency carers for people like your df. Even when my dm had 4 a day it was no good, they didn't have enough time and she was at risk between visits anyway. The care home so far are not doing much better but at least I'm not having to rush to dm's aid every 5 minutes. I wonder how Christmas is going to be. Last year we just about managed Christmas day with both our dms, but spent most of boxing day at a &e with my mil who is having parallel problems with dm.

He's been out of hospital for just over 24 hours and guess what? He's fallen again - ambulance on their way ... the carer found him on the floor in the bathroom. He'd only been on his own for about 45 minutes between me, my sister and the carers. And rather worryingly he didn't activate his alarm button.

Who could possibly have predicted this? Oh, only his family who were pleading with the hospital not to discharge him just yet as he wasn't strong enough but hey, what do we know

Noooo Noits - I'm sorry you're dealing with this...yet again. It's so very hard.

Sending much love, a knowing & commiserating hug and very large glass of something strong to you all.

We battle on

Thank dads and everyone else

It's so frustrating - the ambulance crew checked him over and he hadn't hurt himself but they said if he fell again in a short period of time they would have to take him in. The problem is he's not safe at home but hospital wouldn't be the right place for him either. And even if he had someone with him every second he's awake that still wouldn't stop him falling...

He's barely eating, it's almost like he's deliberately starving himself. We think he's giving up but his body won't let him

I'm sorry Noits, I've been there very recently (not sure we're out of the woods yet either) and it's hell. They say he could fall anywhere, which is true, but currently he's in danger of being left on the floor for long periods if he doesn't conveniently fall when the carer's due. Going by my experience though, you'll be waiting until he's back in hospital after at least one more fall and will have to fight his case so that Social Services assess him properly and don't send him home.

Morning, hope everyone managed to celebrate yesterday.
My dad improved a little, we went in yesterday morning and he was up and dressed, the carer was a good one and had helped him! He was able to open his presents and enjoy what we'd got for him and we'd cooked a small Christmas dinner the previous evening that he could heat up. He wasn't well enough to come round here and I did feel guilty leaving him but he had lots of food and I'd circled his fave TV progs in radio times for him!
I then had to go pick up mother. Having been so tied up with DF lately I hadn't realised quite how frail and confused she had become. It was tough watching her have difficulty following conversation and she repeated again and again and again...
She stayed overnight so I could have a drink (I needed it!) and I'm just about to take her home.
Then back round to Dad's and so it begins again...
Sending love & strength