Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[CMOTDibbler]

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

Badders, when things were a their worst with Dad and the transport police/ general police were ringing me sometimes several times a week, I took a career break (unpaid) for 3 months. I work for the NHS, maybe you could do something similar?

Thank you
I don't think unpaid leave is an option sadly as I'm pt already but I am going to offer to do holiday and sickness cover to "keep my hand in" iyswim?
I know it's the right thing to do
Doesn't make it easier though
I'm off to physio tomorrow so I prob won't be able to walk on Tuesday!!

Badders, sandwich's suggestion is a good one - don't tell your mum if you resign, which sounds like the right thing for you to do.
Or get signed off/have a career break?

Sandwich

Zaza, it sounds like SS varies so much between LA's - my DM's GP called them for emergency help and 2 days later she was installed in a Nursing Home by them

Thank you badders,Tilly and Zaza.
How are all your teens doing? Dd is enjoying her course at Bristol uni and making friends- loving the city. Home will seem quieter at Christmas!

Ds1 is just choosing his gcse options atm. He is 13. Ds2 is 8 and in year 3. They both still need so much from me (esp ds2) and atm I'm no use to anyone 😞

We don't get much to smile about on this thread so I hope you don't mind me sharing this.

My SiLs mum has suffered from crippling shyness all her life. She was raised by very straight laced Victorian parents. For those who did not know her she always seemed a bit superior. I don't think in all of her 80 years she has ever acted silly.

He has just visited her in her care home and it is "Learn an instrument day". She was having a high old time playing the drums, and then played the banjo, while singing "When I'm cleaning windows". He said it was so lovely seeing her so uninhibited.

Glad to hear your DD is enjoying Bristol, sandwich - one of DD's top choices. She has offers!
DS is still really unwell and I am still signed off with stress. Things are improving, but it is very slow and with lots of set-backs.

Badders, you do need to get your gasmask on I have put DM on the back burner (thankfully she is safe in her Nursing home, if not happy, but she is not happy because of her state, not the home IYSWIM) so I can concentrate on DS. And cope myself.

Aww sosidges That's great!

Badders you are who your dc need. Just being there is vital. take care.
Sosidges-love it!!!! 😄😄😄 wonderful story thank you!
Tilly- as you say, DM is safe if not happy- but not your problem. If you want any Bristol info please pm! What subject? Well done to your dd! So sorry to hear about your ds. He has been ill for quite a while, hasn't he? And so sorry to hear you are signed off. Are you getting help and support? Take care all.

Sandwich, she is going to do Sociology (all being well!) - very exciting! What is your DD doing?

I did sociology a level - loved it
I need to focus on me I think - need to re think the whole mum situation in the new year and be less available - and if that means telling a few white lies so be it
It's her b day on 2/1
I asked her today what she wanted to do
"I don't want to talk about it"
Sigh
And yet if nothing is arranged on the day she will sulk and so the whole woe is me thing
It's like trying to deal with a 70 year old toddler at times...

badders, DD hasn't done sociology A'level, but friends have. I went with her to one of her uni visits and the course sounds fab. I think they all are pretty similar in what they cover/options they can take.

Oh gosh, badders, is she only 70? Do you think she is depressed?

Yep. Only 70.
I think she is, yes. She has been since dad died 3.5 years ago.
TBH she has had MH issues all my life - I nursed her through 2 nervous breakdowns (that she now denies she had!!)
I used to have to come home from my job at 20 and make sure she ate.
She went down to 6 stone at one point. She is underweight but she is coeliac and refuses to eat gf so.....
The dr gave her mirtazipine last month and she goes back to see him this week so hopefully she will stay on it.
She is a NIGHTMARE RE meds. She has copd (as well as pvd and a failed fem to fem bypass but she refuses to have the corrective surgery) and she blithely told me last week she had stopped taking her inhaler for the copd.
I dont even argue any more....I just shrug and figure she is a grown woman and is mentally competent.
It's very difficult.
My dad and I were a sort of " tag team" - between the two of us we managed to convince her to have the original fem fem bypass 4 years ago - now he is gone it's all down to me.
I'm so exhausted with it all.
She has made me her POA and yet completely ignores anything i say!
Just before Xmas last year I had to rush her to the hospital and that's when they found the occlusion. In fact she has more than one.
I have to remember all her meds (she hasn't got a clue) and my siblings wouldn't either.
My sister has a lot on to be fair.
She works pt and has 2 DC too.
She has VERY little patience with mum.
My brother works, but is free every weekend - mum only sees him because she looks after my dn.
But. He is the youngest and only boy. golden boy
I'm used to it.

Gosh that sounds such a lot to cope with

"I just shrug and figure she is a grown woman and is mentally competent."

I think you need to do this more and feel less guilty about doing less for her. Like your siblings.

But of course that is easier said than done.

I'm do much better I was
I used to argue with her, we would fall out. I would get days of silent treatment...I once had to call an ambulance for her and she didn't speak to me for 3 days.
BUT they did dx her with unstable angina so it was worth it.
I have had to leave the hospital room before now because she tells such lies to the Drs
Now I just think..ok
I think my dad would be very disappointed in me
But I need to concentrate on my own family - which oddly mum keeps telling me!!!
Sad thing is we don't really have anything in common. At all. Nothing. My sister once said she finds being with mum really tiring because you have to do all the work. It's true!
She has no hobbies (god knows I've tried) and no real friends (but won't make an effort to get out and meet people)
She's 70. She won't change.

I have something to share that isn't moaning or woe is me too!
I was putting ds2 (8) to bed last night
Ds: I love you mummy
Me: I love your more
Ds: no! I love you more! There you go, mummy, some positive feedback for you!

Awwww

She won't change now. She is "only" 70 and yet she is choosing to live like this. You need to think of yourself and your lovely DC - it is her choice to carry on like this

I'll try to brief .
I've been my moms carer since I could walk. She, too has has been dealt a difficult and unfair hand. Severely physically disabled with many debilitating illnesses over the years which have mean she is totally reliant on 24 hr care.
I did all her care until one year ago when I finally managed to get her to agree to a move to supported housing with carers.
She's always been a difficult, demanding, selfish woman who feels she's been wronged and I should make it up to her.
My whole life has revolved around her meaning my education is poor as I was rarely at school. I never travelled or had opportunities,my caring reasponsibilities always came first.
I'm tired. I'm resentful, I don't particularly like her though love because she's my mom.
She unkind, spiteful and never has a nice word to say about anyone particularly me. She says I don't try hard enough, I'm not slim enough, I always look a mess, I don't do enough. How did I manage to get such a good husband etc.
I work, have a large family and until her house move which I sorted single handedly I was surviving on between 6-10 hours of sleep mon- wed meeting her demands throughout the day and night.
We've had many near death illness and she always recovers well. Thankfully
We've a recent hospital admission with pneumonia again and is very ill. If I'm Really honest, after just returning from a difficult visit, I wish she didn't keep recovering. I know that's wicked but I long for freedom. No more demanding phone calls, no more dealing with chaos and difficulties she has created.
I just want to be me and enjoy some life without guilt and demanding of my mind body and soul.
Sorry, that's all very self indulgent.
I am also very lucky. I Do have a fabulous husband and kids who are my saviours.
Just getting that off my chest

That sounds incredibly hard
It's not "bad" or "evil" to want ones own life!

My mum has also had a hard life and sadly it's made her unkind and nasty at times
I totally get the "woe is me" that makes you feel that "if only I could get them to do x they would be happy"
Except it won't make them happy
You are not responsible for your mothers happiness
But you are for your own
Good luck (to both of us!)
X

Badders your ds' s comment made me laugh
User it sounds like you've been a saint. I don't blame you for not wanting the responsibility any more. I don't either and my experience pales in comparison to yours.

User I've thought that about my dad, and generally we get on pretty well. I've been through two near-death experiences with Dad and as soon as he recovers, everyone is cheering and I'm exhausted - and the "life" he's returned to is no life this time. What it must be like when you don't get on with your parent, I can't imagine.

Dad got awarded CHC this week so went to see the nursing home yesterday. It seems nice enough if a bugger to find - got horribly lost on the way back. He's no better mentally and is losing his hair.. a strange thing as he always had a lot of it. Lots of gibberish and he's still very thin.

I'm an organist at our church and made a tonne of mistakes this morning - too bloody tired from yesterday to make much sense, particularly with new music nobody had told me about. Our pastor - who knows my situation - made a point of pulling me up about it, very publicly, at the end of the service, though the congregation were lovely about it (I'm a volunteer so it's not as if I've betrayed my contract). I felt so angry for the rest of the day. DH is adamant I ought to drop the music altogether and skip church services, but it's something I know I'm usually good at and am reluctant to let go of (I've inherited the role from Dad, so there's a massive emotional connection there). If I could bean our tone-deaf pastor over the head with his new music score he didn't bloody well give me it might help release the tension a tad, even if it wouldn't be entirely charitable... the vision of doing exactly that is keeping me going at the moment!

Thanks all. Life as a carer is a rather lonely life. Nobody really understands unless they are carers too.
Naturally, people look at my mom who is so tiny and frail and when they hear her story they feel so sorry for her. And it's true, her whole life has been awfully cruel.
I have fought tooth and nail my whole life to give her the best life I could and overall I think I've done ok.
But it's still not enough for her. Ideally she wants me there 24hrs. Not because she want to see me particularly but I can run round cleaning and fixing and organising and being entertainment.
I'm not usually this moany but I'm feeling put out as I've had to miss out on something else I was really looking forward to but have had to cancel due to her latest hospital admission. Not her fault I know but when I get there and she's sat up eating and drinking and every time she opens her mouth its to moan, I feel grieved.
Oh well, I've got Christmas Day with her to look forward too. :)

Pigeon...hmmm
One of the first things I would knock on the head would be church organ playing if the pastor is like that!!!
I haven't been to church much since dad died - I was on the pcc, did children's work, organised many activities.
The vicar hasn't been to see me or my mum
ONCE in 3.5 years
He only ever contacts me when he wants something
I say no a lot

Well I'd better get up and start the day!
Ds2 awake and next to me - he is a sweetie
Ds1 still asleep
Dh left for work
I have work and physio today not looking forward to either tbh
Will pop in and see mum after school run
Then I will come home and relax for a bit
Hope everyone has a good day

I wrote a longish post a week ago but it disappeared.

First I feel a Bristol meet up coming on as DD has a deferred place there, starting in September 2017. (And - epic fail - we booked our first empty nest holiday without checking when she started, so she is going to take herself down by train, which she claims is yet another example of the poor parenting she received.)

Second, massive sympathy to the newcomers. My user name stems from the time when DC were 11 and 13 and both starting new schools, I was working full time, my father had a brain tumour and my mother was showing the early signs of dementia. I spent a lot of time in services on the M3 trying to drink enough coffee to keep going.

It is a lot easier now, even though dementia is a horrible lingering illness, and I miss my dad and wish the kids had a chance to properly know him.

Some observations:

1. Things only became manageable when I revised the mother daughter relationship. DM is a strong personality, with a tendency to both put me down and elevate my brother onto a pedestal, and I had coped by never standing up to her. Soon after my dad died she started telling me how awful/hopeless/etc I was and I simply told her never to speak to me like that in front of my children. The next few years involved a lot of angry hitting back from her, including three hours in a hospital waiting room where she ranted in a loud voice about how dreadful I was, whilst I carried on making the best-interest decisions I needed to make. (One odd thing I did, which worked, was to write a briefing note to explain where she was, what had become of her assets, that she would be able to go back to her old home "when she was better", that carers were coming in as taking medication regularly had been a condition of her Aricept prescription, etc. According to a carer this calmed her down.) It sounds as if there are a few dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships which are not sustainable in the long term. My mother was not going to change so it was down to me. A friend who was a psychologist gave me a few pointers as to my mother's likely personality type, and reading round this and a bit of Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis, helped me get a bit of perspective. Others on this board have had counselling, often GP prescribed when they were on the point of exhaustion. If you are in a hole, you need to stop digging!

1. She eventually calmed down. Partly because she may have run out of fight, but also because she probably prefers being in a community rather than the extreme loneliness she faced when on her own. She likes her carer.

1. There are obvious boundaries as I live 2.5 hours away. I am also lucky in that my dad bought BTL property as a retirement hobby which now provides a useful income, though unlucky in that none had been maintained. One thing that has worked for us is to have somewhere to stay. Off peak holiday accommodation can be very cheap (just phone the owner and explain that you could be a regular visitor) and being able to have a family weekend break which involves a visit to a parent, rather than giving up a weekend to visit a parent, is much better. It allows balance. A morning doing chores and then a nice lunch followed by a walk and then a visit, followed by a quiet evening, is so much easier. I also like being able to balance taking her to an appointment (which she always objects to) with dinner with a friend or a quiet evening with a book, and then taking her out the next day (which she likes), rather than do the journey twice in one day. Heating up something from the freezer did my teenage kids no harm.

1. The anger sounds familiar. There have been a lot of complicated property issues recently, which have been both time consuming and stressful, and I have struggled to then cope with my mother's self-centered conversation. Hopefully things will be back on an even keel soon.

I had just written to personnel asking to temporarily reduce my hours when my father died, and then took redundancy when it was on offer, as I knew there would be problems with my mother. By then I was so tired that the first few months seemed to be spent watching daytime TV and napping. I agree with others, about keeping some of those extra hours for yourself.

Wow, need. you had a lot on!
I know that I need to back off and was doing quite well last year before her emergency admission.
I keep feeling quite panicky which is unlike me...I think it's just the thought of everything I need to do before the DC break up from school.
I promised mum a day out on weds...I am massively regretting this now!
Dh is off on Friday so I will hopefully get to spend the morning with him.
My mum and siblings will not change...but I can change how I react to them.