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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

999 replies

CMOTDibbler · 16/09/2016 19:22

It doesn't matter whether you are a hands on carer, care from a distance, or are just contemplating the future. Join us for support from people who know the struggles of becoming your parents carer - we rant, cry, and pick each other up.

OP posts:
permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 11/11/2016 13:03

Thanks everyone.
No CHC has been confirmed yet - this was the meeting to discuss the checklist score, but they gave no indication on whether or not they think he'll have CHC funding.

I will have a look at Headspace - at a glance, most of their advice is on assistance with rehab (while Dad doesn't seem to be getting any better so it's more about finding him a secure place to live); Social Services are very hands off/ absent in the area; I asked for assistance in July and have heard nothing back yet! Apparently unless I have a name and a direct line they can't help - and the social workers are very reluctant to give either away. Can't blame them as they're short staffed, but I would like to have more help than a list of facilities with no information at all....

Badders123 · 11/11/2016 19:07

Oh dear that sounds incredibly stressful!
Agree the SW comment was totally out of order
Well, my day booked off work to spend with ds1 didn't quite go to plan
I have come down with some sort of horrid lurgy...feel awful and am having a period from hell (sorry for tmi!) so am housebound today Sad
Haven't been well for over a week tbh but it's on now it's "coming out" so to speak
Ugh

ZaZathecat · 12/11/2016 22:25

Sorry you're feeling unwell Badders. I'm coming down with a cold and feeling groggy too.
Dm is still in hospital. Yesterday she was hallucinating and talking nonsense when I visited so I reported to the nurse that I thought she wad dehydrated again. Today they had rehydrated her again with a drip so she was more alert - but was crying when I arrived and afraid when I had to leave again. At least when she's delirious with dehydration she's cheerful. I really don't know what should be done with her. It feels like we are trying to make her better just so she can experience the full horror of her illness.
Does anyone else find themselves crying on s daily basis? ( It's only when on my own).

Badders123 · 13/11/2016 07:41

Oh zaza Sad
How awful for you and your mum.
It must be so hard to witness - and why does she keep getting dehydrated? Can she drink? Does she just need reminding?
I'm very low too - not really to do with Mum (for a change!!) but I haven't seen seen her since thurs did to being ill (have spoken on phone and texted) and I know that she won't have seen my siblings so she's been all alone...
Sigh
No idea how I will manage work tomorrow...

ZaZathecat · 13/11/2016 08:54

My db is going to the hospital today and I'm not, as I have lots of commitments. I'm hoping he'll find her in a happier mood. Usually she shelters him from her worries and sadness, but if she was like yesterday she wouldn't be able to disguise it. Not saying I don't want db exposed to it, just that it would mean she was a bit happier.
Keep taking care of yourself Badders.

ZaZathecat · 13/11/2016 08:59

Oh and to answer your question, she forgets to drink/ can't see the cup. The nurses and I keep encouraging her but it's really hard. When I'm sitting with her I keep reminding her and putting the cup in her hand, but she either takes a tiny sip and puts it down or just holds it a bit and tgen puts it down. I can see why nurses/carers don't manage it. Ad I said before though, she's much happier when delirious so I wonder if there's any point.

Badders123 · 13/11/2016 18:36

It's a tough one if she doesn't drink very much when reminded...

whataboutbob · 13/11/2016 19:55

Zaza I went through a phase of going to work, then welling up and running off to find a quiet corner in the canteen to cry. It was when Dad's dementia was getting harder to manage, no longer mild, he was restless and there were crises on a weekly if not daily basis (mostly to do with his wandering and aggression). Every solution was short lasting, every week seemed to throw another impossible challenge at me. I was adjusting to the fact that he had dementia, which I found extremely hard to do.
It got better when proper carers were found, but it took them being at his home from 8am to 6pm every day to manage the situation. I feel for you and for everyone who's going through this. I really think it's about the worst thing ageing parents can throw at us (I know that sounds self centered, it can't be much fin for them either).

ZaZathecat · 13/11/2016 22:46

What happened between 6pm and 8am Bob? My dm could cause all sorts of havoc in that time!

bigTillyMint · 14/11/2016 07:17

So sorry for all of you trying to manage care/visiting in hospital, etc - very difficult.

I am not really focusing on DM much ATM as I have DS ill at home (will be ongoing for a while) - totally get the crying at work - it is very difficult to focus at work when you are so worried about ageing parents and other stuff. If it is really bad, then you need to get signed off. Your own health is important too.

whataboutbob · 14/11/2016 14:06

he lived with my brother- not perfect as bro has lifelong mental illness, but it still provided some safety net.

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 14/11/2016 20:03

Hi everyone,
Badders, ZsaZsa, hope you're feeling OK now? Tilly, how's your DS?

I totally get the crying. DH bought me a bar of Dairy Milk and I just sobbed at the thought of someone being nice..

The weight thing didn't get me much but Dad is so terribly thin.. I worry. What riled me was that the "he's lost weight", which was self-evident really, was supposed to bother me more than warts-and-all reports of his behaviour - I probably should have said sternly that they were actually talking about a person, and someone who could have run rings around most people intellectually until a couple of months ago at that. But I didn't. Oh well.

There's a new lady on his ward who is very, very aggressive. There's a lot of screaming, lots of punching, and most if not all of the staff are needed to control her. I spent Saturday trying to convince Dad not to wander over and see what was happening, which was trying - apparently I'm his great grandmother this week (must get roots done, must get roots done...Grin)

First day at FT job today, which was lovely. DD had a screaming meltdown over doing the homework that she would have done at the weekend had I not been visiting Dad... How the hell does anyone juggle all this?

ZaZathecat · 14/11/2016 21:40

Well I for one don't manage it very well Pigeon. There's a constant feelibg tgat I'm running late or ignoring someone.

thesandwich · 20/11/2016 10:10

Hello all. Hope no news is good news and you are all managing to juggle your challenges and taking care of yourselves.
Sadly fil is back in hospital and has now contracted flu and is in isolation. Poor chap- just doesn't want to know. At least dh and his family are agreed now re dnr which is a relief.

ZaZathecat · 20/11/2016 11:09

Your poor fil Sandwich. In my case no news is things moving slowly. Dm is still in hospital (she only managed 8 days in Extra Care housing before getting dehydrated/uti and being sent back to hospital). The cogs of the Social Services machine move slowly but I suspect they will come to the conclusion that she needs to be in a proper care home. And having looked into this previously, the better ones seem to have massively long waiting lists so I'm apprehensive as to what they'll come up with. Even the mega expensive one (£1500 a week) that we almost put her in before out of desperation doesn't have a good reputation. It's very glossy, but I've since heard that neither the care nor the food are very good.Maybe that's why they had a vacancy.

bigTillyMint · 20/11/2016 19:53

Oh no sandwich and Zaza Sad

Will she be paying for herself Zaza? When the doc contacted SS to say emergency for DM to go into care (as I am 200 miles away) they found a nursing home that they would fund if/when her money runs out (so much cheaper). Is that possible for your DM

ZaZathecat · 20/11/2016 22:50

Dm will have to self fund until her money runs out. After that SS would take over but would only pay enough for the cheapest available home that meets her needs and that could be some distance away. Local homes to us average £1000 pw so we'd either have to top up the fees ourselves (£400+ pw!) Or move her.

bigTillyMint · 21/11/2016 06:26

Yes, that is the problem. I guess you are in the SE (probably not that far from me) and there appears to be a lot less choice than where my DM is, and it is all twice the price.

Luckily the nursing home SS put her into feels caring and they are able to meet her needs. I did look into some other homes, but not that many could meet her needs and they just seemed to be costing a lot because they were "stately home-ish" rather than actually doing a better job, IYSWIM. I felt it was better that she was in a nursing home that could meet her needs and where she could live for the rest of her life regardless of whether her money runs out.

ZaZathecat · 21/11/2016 08:40

I agree BTM, I am in the SE and the 'stately home' style ones are from around £1500 pw, while normal ones are £1000 pw. Dm lives (lived) only a mile from me so it's her area too.

thesandwich · 26/11/2016 18:26

Hello all. Hope the struggles with health and beurocracy are not defeating you all.
Saw fil today- amazingly out of hospital- but looking like a husk of a person. So sad to see him- still trying to register our presence and never complaining.

Badders123 · 26/11/2016 18:32

Oh how sad :(
I live in the midlands and there is one nursing home in my town. There are a few further away but they are bupa homes and TBH from what I've seen I'm not impressed.
Having lots of health issues myself ATM which has meant I haven't seen so much of mum
I'm probably going to hand my notice in next week :(
I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do but....I'm still sad.

whataboutbob · 26/11/2016 19:46

Sending kind thoughts to everyone. Sandwich sorry your FIL is ailing. He sounds like quite a stoic. Badders- I hope you get a better life balance after handing your notice in.

Badders123 · 26/11/2016 20:46

I hope so
I really do
Because the last month has been horrendous

thesandwich · 27/11/2016 08:13

Thank you Badders and bob.
Badders I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Is it possible to take an u paid break from work? It means a lot to you. But your health first. Also do you need to teal your mum you have resigned? My mum thinks I work far more than I doGrin take care and please rant away if you want to.

ZaZathecat · 27/11/2016 10:31

I second what Sandwich said, make out you are still working, or at least working some days. I hate lying but it's the only way to get any time off with my dm, as she can't comprehend why I couldn't be with her all the time otherwise. Sorry you're having to leave a job you love though. Do your employers know your reasons? They may be sympathetic and keep the door open for you.
My dm is still in hospital waiting for the slow turning of SS wheels to see where she will go. I think they are determining whether she needs nursing care or just care. They only review cases on a weekly basis and her case missed last Monday's review so had to wait a whole week until tomorrow. I don't know what happens after that but I'm steeling myself for her to still be in hospital at Christmas.