Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

I'm sure it will all be fine, just one of those weeks. DH has gone off to do PIL's ashes - although it's sad it will be one thing done that has been hanging over us if that makes sense.

Hmm, message from cousin is that Aunt has Pneumonia, Pluerisy and TB and she's in isolation room. I'm Hopi g what she actually has is Pneumonia and Tuberculuous Pleurisy, but would she be in Isolation with that ?

Cousin ringing Dad later so I've told Dad to check 100% then if it is actually TB then to ring GP tomorrow as he has COPD. I know it is very unlikely but there are cases where they live according to my friend Google and the way things have been going later better safe than sorry !

Just emailed college and Brother getting death certificate translated to see if DD can have special consideration for Maths on Thursday.

Text my Brother to ask if ok today. No reply, just hope he hadn't passed out drunk so,eine in a Pacific about the funeral tomorrow. Hopefully he'll message me back at some point.

Hi SPT- sorry to hear re further elderly woes. Certainly with pneumonia you'd be in an isolation room, and if it is really TB then all the more reason (one of my wards is an infectious diseases ward). As you probably know one of the demographic groups to get TB in this country are the elderly, who were exposed to it when young and now their immune system is feeble it can no longer keep it contained. Treatments are usually very effective.

I was wondering if it might be pneumonia and tuberculosis pleurisy and cousin got mixed up? I'm sure it"s all fine but just don't want to take anything for granted the way this year has gone ! Thanks Bob.

It does sound like an unlikely combination. Maybe you could ring the ward (I know its the last thing you'd want to do right now) and say you know they couldn't tell you, but your dad has been in close contact, has COPD and is very vunerable, so here is his GPs details as cousin has told you this and obv could they inform the GP asap to ensure appropriate measures can be taken.

On another note, I was at an event yesterday, someone (old friends group) asked about my parents. Then people started on the 'of course mine have always been very active, thats so important, its when they stop...' So, I pointed out that I knew no one meant ill, but mine had always been active physically and mentally, and it really hurt when it was put that way.

That would have really pissed me off CMOT . I might ring the ward (good idea) if I feel Dad isn't getting anywhere but hopefully he will.

Funeral starts 8am our time. Brother is going to patch me in remotely if possible.

Thinking of you SPT

Thank you. It's over and I was able to watch part of church service and most of the Temple bit. It was rather beautiful the Temple with the monks (who cut it a bit fine), once they got her in (bystanders had to help or something ).

There was a man with a hammer doing something , then everyone had white flowers to put on the coffin. I had picked a white rose called Tranquility from the garden and had that in her vase quite by chance as didn't know about the flowers so I was pleased about that. Has a mug of tea on the go in one of her mugs and donned sun glasses plus managed not to sob as realised it would echo round the Temple !

It was a bit surreal on the iPad but I do feel a sense of closure and you appreciate how ceremonies give you that. I think we'll set it up so children can watch the other thing with the Temple and river so they can have a sense of saying goodbye before we do the ashes as that's a long way away. Brother has asked me to ask Dad to come and I do hope he agrees. It has been years and years since the 3 of us were last together.

Oh SPT that experience must have been quite surreal. As you say, ceremonies help give a chance for closure. Thinking of you.
Enjoy your tea and roses.

CMOT people can be so insensitive. I think it's also fear, it's "there for the grace of God.." they repeat the mantra of exercise and diet to themselves as if that is going to stop it happening. It would have pissed me off royally.
SPT I am glad that the ceremony was helpful to you. Maybe a meet up with you, bro and Dad would be cathartic.
Enjoy your garden.

Being all together for the ashes seems like it would be a very good thing for all of you SPT. How are the children doing?

Bob, I agree its a mantra that they say to ward it off, but I've decided I don't want to just silently seethe anymore. I won't have what has happened to my parents made into a lifestyle choice.

Yes I think want people to believe they can control getting it, hence all the comments. I've been quite forthright about how it doesn't just affect memory but causes big personality changes as well.

The children seem ok so far thank you. DD lined earlier to say she had a merit and was handing in a further project. She can do her presentation to a smaller group than normal due to the circumstances and death cert translated and forwarded to maths dept to see if she might be able to have special consideration for Math GCSE paper 2.

Spoke to Brother and had some gaps filled in. Thai temples do not have wide door and the coffin was solid teak and chunky. There hadn't been any arrangements as to who would carry it and it was heavier than anticipated so one of the Thai guys recruited some blokes from the pub opposite. Then it became touch and go as to whether it would fit through the door ad into the cremation thingy.

A tape measure was deployed and some teeth sucking ensued but finally it got through the door. I hadn't realised my Brother left after his bit of putting something on the coffin and he left his phone to his friends who very kindly kept me on line. I'd assumed the hammering was symbolic somehow along the lines of the monks chanting.

Apparently not, they were cutting the legs off to fit it into the cremation thing, hence my Brother leaving as it understand any got a bit much. I was in blissful ignorance of this and was therefore there until the end which was very cathartic. But I will admit to roaring with laughter when I heard what the hammering actually was and I think Mum would have too, that would have really amused her. My poor Brother was sat in the car hoping they wouldn't film the hammering bless him.

My cousin then rang having only seen my email yesterday so had to do my best German to explain, which I probably did badly. She knows we are planning to come. She did ask if Mum wanted her ashes in our other Aunt's grave as her Mum had said she thought that's what Mum would want. That opened a slight can of worms as Mum wants to go into the Rhine which is illegal but we were kind of planning to do without anyone knowing. I think I might suggest we put some of the ashes under a plant on my Aunt's grave and do an undercover Rhine drop with the rest.

SugarPlum that sounds quite beautiful and peaceful - glad you could watch it on the ipad too. The ashes thing sounds like a lovely idea.

CMOT, that must be very frustrating for you. Don't be afraid to put people straight. They are probably thoughtless rather than unkind.

Here my fabulous colleagues lovely and very much loved by my colleagues, mum has died - expected (cancer) but very quick. Feel very sad for my colleague.

I'm so sorry to hear that BTM, your poor colleague

SPT hope you and your dd are doing ok- hope the maths is as good as it can be.
CMOT those comments would enrage me. IL's were mega active until fil had his stroke painting a ceiling......
Tilly so sorry to year about your friend.
All calmish here- we spotted 12 large frogs in our tiny pond yesterday! Probably no tadpoles left😳Exams going......

Aaarrrrggggghhhhh! Just rang to check how DM is and speak to her. The lovely carer said she had been brighter and seemed a bit happier, and then I spoke to her and it was all negative and moaning. I redirected the conversation 8 times and she had to concede that the carers are nice, the food is good, she had enjoyed the garden, the weather is sunny, a friend had been to visit her, etc. She uses phrases to cover up her inability to remember the right words/names, etc, so "everything has gone peculiar", "it's all changed", "we're not allowed to do that", "I'm trying my best", etc, so it is difficult to know at all what she means. She told me she wished she could die 4 times in about 10mins.

I am wondering if she moans to the carers or just me and whether ringing her just exacerbates her frustration

In positive news, the home has just been inspected (reopened with new owners/manager about 5months before DM moved in) and it is good for all categories - a big improvement from the previous organisation which only had one good for quality of care. I am pleased because this reinforces my gut feeling that it is a good home and she wouldn't be "happy" anywhere.

Oh Tilly. I am sorry- it sounds like you gave made a very wise choice of care home and no she will not be happy. And venting- I get this all the time with my DM- just visited today and heard a whole list of moans and isn't it awfulnesses everything from thunder storms/ skip across the road/ flooding in France/ etc etc.... But I know that to the cleaner/ Gardner etc she is nice as pie. They believe they can vent at us. And she will be fine after- trust the carer if you have good vibes about the home. Like leaving a toddler at nursery....... Be kind to yourself.

Thanks!

It's like having a teenager venting at you. As if I don't get that enough at home! Wearing.

My dad vents at me too. I get all the bad things, and nothing about how actually, things are going pretty well for them right now. The one way nature of it all is rather wearing.

We are going to see them on Saturday. Hoping that it'll be nice so we can push mum to the big paddling pool and have a picnic by the river. DH is going to cycle there (85 miles)

It is exhausting dealing with the complaining, especially when you're trying to keep children upbeat with exams. Sadly you are right BTM, it isn't the Home it is her circumstances and can totally relate to the won't be happy anywhere. And with the bring nice to everyone else thing I remember that well. As time went on she got moaning with a lot of the staff. At a meeting one day the Memory clinic nurse came into the CH staff room having just assessed her and said 'what a charming Mother you have'.

There was a slightly awkward silence when everyone looked at him trying to work out if he was taking the piss, he wasn't ! Fingers crossed for good weather for you CMOT, that sounds lovely . Rather in awe of your DH and his cycling.

Thanks! It is reassuring to hear it is not just her.

CMOT at your DH! Hope it's a good day out.

CMOT my DH is a mamil too :>
I remember my allotment neighbour whose mum got dementia reflecting about how his mum was with his sister, moaning away, he rang up, sister passes the phone to mum, and she spoke to him in a completely different, normal and quite together way. then end of phone call and back to complaining and lamenting away at her daughter. Come to think of it, and even before my Dad got dementia, he'd ring me to go over everything that was wrong (this after my mum died, I guess because he couldn't have debriefs/ whinges with her). I did once loose it and ask him if he couldn't tell me about what was going well for a change. But he just used me to offload onto. probably saved the good bits for his friends. It was really wearing though.

Feeling very sad today so hope you don't mind me joining in? My dear dad passed away 6 weeks ago and my lovely mum last week. They were both elderly and frail and my mum had Alzheimer's but they had been living at home fairly independently until my mum broke her hip in February. I thought I was coping quite well but today I just keep crying at the massive gap in my life.

Hi, Marmite. My dad died recently, and it's been a terrible strain lately what with teenage exams and work and the estate to sort out etc. I've been very tearful.

Do you have much support at home?

Sorry to hear your news too Liney. Yes I have a lovely DH and 2 teenage DC (but not at the exam stage yet thankfully).

I also have a DB so we will be sitting out the estate together.