Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Really sorry to hear this Querkyjo, take care

Querky sorry to hear about your stepdad. Reunited is a word that is in my mind a lot at the moment. How very wonderful for him to meet the love of his life at 47 and have many happy years with her. I can only image the loss and loneliness he's had since October. I was fortunate that dads dementia meant that though I think he did know mum had died ,he didn't remember all that by the tine he'd moved..

Thank you all for your kind wishes. It fieels so weird. I have been at their beck and call for so long. Defined my life around their needs. Not sure what I am trying to say really.

Querky. I get that. Between my dad and mum I will probably have 15 years or more of caring. It has shaped a lot of our lives: the work I do; the holidays we take; our likely retirement plans; even the football team we support.

It will be a different empty nest.

Empty Nest describes it perfectly. My OH said he still feeling on edge waiting for yet another phone call from him. I guess after the funeral it will seem more real.

Possibly, it's because death came quite quickly and relatively unexpectedly. He was chatting away, and puffing on his cigars one day and then a sudden demise the next. I have nothing but praise for the way he was cared for by the hospital n his last week of life.

I would like that ending for my Mother Querkyjo but can see it is hard to make that sudden adjustment to.

Has long conversation with Brother. Two of the care team are leaving which is a pain but hopefully will work out ok. Her breast is now very itchy with what the consultant said are cancer nodules. There's a lump on the surface which will ulcerates soon. The Oncologist was spectacularly unhelpful and in her PS at bottom of email decided to advise that sometimes flies lay eggs in these fumating breast wounds

Plan of action is to involve the dermatologist who has helped with her legs. She's lost a lot of weight in last 2.5 months, he thinks about 3 stone or so. Combined with advanced dementia it is pretty shit really.

Oh dear SugarPlum, the itching/sores doesn't sound good. Nor the weight loss, though I think that is to be expected given the circumstances. So hard to have to just wait for nature to take it's course.
But at least she is where she wanted to be - keep remembering that

Sad to say I am relieved she is there. As my Brother said I'm now protected by distance whereas he was before. Difference being I try to support him whereas he made things stacks worse.

We did know to expect this, well I did and things going as expected really though could have done without hearing about fly eggs. It's a waiting game for us sadly but one we have no idea how long it will take.

SPT, that was a spectacularly unhelpful thing to put in an email. Especially as keeping areas like that dressed is so important for a number of reasons. Macmillan have a useful info sheet on different things that may help. They mention dermacool for itching, and this can be made by a pharmacist by adding 1% menthol oil to aqueous cream. Mum had it prescribed by a german doctor when she had intractable itching and it was miraculous

SPT, it is weird how you can pick up bits of random information. I have a surgeon friend who specialises in breast cancer in a tropical country. Maggots are common with late presentation. I guess you could think about it more positively. Maggots were used in olden times to clear away dead tissue and indeed are being reintroduced in Western hospitals as a more efficient way cleansing a difficult wound.

I would ignore your brother. I assume the combination of your mother being very ill and not seeing his son is proving stressful.

That's really helpful CMOT, I've passed it on, thank you. I guess forewarned is forearmed and all that, it was just the way it suddenly popped up in a PS.

That's definitely a useful bit of random information in this instance NMS! Good point about the maggots, saw something on that a few years ago. You're right, he is very stressed - in the middle of a battle for parental rights plus business proble,s. I have become quite adept at keeping my mouth shut these days and side stepping.

Another photo has come through this morning, just as I was waiting to go in and have my filling redone. Do hope it's not going to be a daily occurrence. I knew this was coming and he in theory did too but I think being there without a GP who pops in as they do here puts a lot of pressure on him and he struggles with situations where he doesn't have control. I hope she doesn't go on for ages, it's no life.

Hi hope you don't mind me joining have another thread on here and have had some lovely support
My DM has end stage COPD, LTOT, nebs etc. Find it tough to deal with caring for her but am much more fortunate than some of you lovely ladies in that I live close and she has good support.
I'm also fortunate that she has full mental capacity (although she does get slightly confused by medical stuff).
However she relies on me for so much emotionally - when she has a major exacerbation and is struggling to breathe all she wants is me to be there in case she dies and boy does that feel like an enormous responsibility!
Anyway enough of my whinging - if it's not too forward kudos and much love to all who are caring for their parents - it's possibly the ultimate gift we can give them x

Hello unmanned! And hi to everyone juggling all their various challenges. Thinking of you all.

Hello Unmarried and I'm sorry you're in the situation where you have need to join us

So sorry Unmanned, my iPad autocorrected your name before and I didn't notice.

Ha ha! Well I'm that as well thanks for the welcome

Hi Unmanned Sorry you've had to join our great but you will find a wealth of advice and support here.

Just been notified that DM's Enduring POA has been registered so I have asked the solicitors to send it asap so I can go back to the bank...
Also just rang DM to wish her Happy Birthday and she wasnt happy sbout blowing candles out on her cake! Mums friend said yesterday that she visited and DM didn't know it was her birthday today. She was also adamant that the jacket that the friend had brought was not hers despite friend having picked it up from DM's house!
She is not happy about having to be in the home, but she is safe and cared for. I just agreed with her that it is hard and distracted her about something else. Does anyone else notice that they seem to swing from one emotion to another very easily? Seemingly distraught to talking normally in a flash

Hi all. Just dropping in because I feel more than usually ground down today.

It's now eight months since my dad died, which I know is not long in the general scheme of things, but my mum seems not to be managing any better and still has extremely high expectations of how much I will do for her. She won't do any of the things that might perhaps help a bit (won't ring Cruse, for example, and won't attend the local lunch club, to which she's been invited). I'm trying to help, but I'm exhausted by it. When she's upset, my mum directs all her anger and bitterness at me. She has always done this (growing up, my sibling was the golden child who could do no wrong and I was the Other One). My husband tells me not to listen, but that's hard to do when you've been on the receiving end of decades of invective and spite.

I doubt things will ever change, so I'm just letting it out here. Argh. Thanks for listening.

Oh More, that sounds very hard And especially when she has always been horrid to you. DH would also say don't listen - he is very good at blocking out, but it doesn't come so easily to me!

I am guessing that you live nearby and so feel that you have to help. Would she start going to the lunch club/other things if you initially went with her? Could you ring Cruse and ask someone to come and meet her, and be there too for support?
Not that my DM would have agreed to that either - it's very difficult to get them to do something they don't want to.

Thank you for the flowers, Tilly. Pulling weeds in the garden is my solace at the moment.

The lunch club organiser has visited her and suggested that I go with her, but she's still adamant that she won't go. A short while ago, she told me rather proudly that a health care professional had suggested she ring the Samaritans - she's a difficult personality and seems to enjoy showing how miserable she is - but (as I gingerly pointed out to her) I found her the number of the local Cruse group within days of dad dying and she won't ring it. I doubt that Cruse would ring her at my instigation (I've already had similar conversations with other agencies) and she'd be furious with me if they did.

I understand that she's unhappy and finding life difficult, but she seems to prefer being miserable (taking a perverse pride in it) to taking any action that might improve things. My DH and I have gone to quite a lot of trouble to include her in family events, but all she does is complain that afterwards she is "dumped" at home to be alone again. Because she was so vile to me when I was younger, I want to leave that behind and be kind to her, but it's taking its toll.

Sorry for droning on. Yesterday was a very trying day and my previous visits here have shown that folk here 'get it' in a way that even my kindest friends don't always. for you too.

You're not droning on at all!

She sounds very difficult and you sound amazing for trying to put her vileness behind you. Does she have any friends? Does your sister get involved with her at all?

Oh, I'm very far from amazing.

Part of the difficulty here is that she has few friends who live nearby. My sibling is gradually doing less and less for her. A while ago, I read on MN that, when parents are ill or elderly, it is often the unfavoured child who does most for them, because the favoured child has grown up with such a sense of their own marvellousness that they see no need to put themselves out for other people. There are elements of that here, I think.

Yes, I can see how that works. It must be very g

How old is she? Is she in good health and likely to have a good few more years "to enjoy life"?

Hello more. I add to Tilly's wise words- you are doing so much and sounds like you bear the brunt of her emotions. It is really really hard- and yes I get the golden child v the other bit- my db's are all,golden even the one she has seen once in 10 years and who hardly calls despite being an hour away..... I do the stuff. And it's really hard not to try and fix things for them- but if they chose not to they are choosing to be less happy. It is so hard to detach but somehow you need to protect yourself. You are not responsible for her happiness. Easier to say it than believe.

Oh More I so know the whole golden child thing! Growing up as the youngest my elder siblings were always the favoured ones - even when they moved 1000s of miles away and all care was left to me. Even to the extent that last year despite them not seeing her for years and calling once every 6 months they accused me of neglect as she ended up in hospital (again - COPD tends to warrant admission frequently). However to cut a long story short my DM has now seen them for what it is and is now much more balanced.
I also tried to get her to join clubs, get out more etc but she wouldn't have it unless I went with her which I couldn't do. They can be stubborn bats
I echo Thesandwich you are not responsible for their happiness - keep strong and look after yourself