Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Is it ok to post semi good newsl? Ten days ago she's not expected to last 48 hours she's now eating like a horse a very small pony and also managed to get to bathroom on her own
However she's about to finish her antibiotics and I have to do the gradual decrease with steroids- this is when it can get dodgy

Good news is always lovely! Great to hear she's so much better Unmanned

God
Yes
The misery
The complete refusal to go anywhere without me
The sense of entitlement...people should come to her, why shows she make an effort?
My siblings do very little despite both living nearer....I work the fewest hours so I guess in her mind I should be there the most?
And you known what? I miss my dad too. I doubt think I have even started to grieve for him and it will be 3 years soon.
I'm better than I used to be...she isn't coming on holiday with us this year. Not after last time!!
I go and see her every day.
I take her shopping
I sort out any problems she has
I take her out for the day occasionally

And I hate every minute of it

She is such a difficult woman.
She has pvd, copd, coeliac (which she refuses to go gluten free so has multiple stomach issues)....
She cant walk far now.
Refuses to get a scooter

There is no way in help I am login to become her carer. I know that's what she and my siblings expect.
They are in for a shock.

Sorry.
Feeling quite low about it all today (dh working away and I'm knackered)

Unmanned, pleased to hear you have good news.

Badders, so sorry to hear that you are having such a crappy time/feeling low. Remember you need to look after yourself first - if you are not up to doing anything for her today (or any other day), then so be it.

Hello
It's the guilt.
I try but the guilt always gets me
I didn't see her yesterday as I spent part of the morning with her and then we attended a 60th party in the evening.
I did text her though.
I think what really hurts is that sometimes we make plans and then she gets a better offer and I am dropped
I know it shouldn't hurt but it does.
I am not well atm - I have 2 herniated dicss in my back - but she seems totally uninterested

Badders, I hear you. I have a very similar situation, except that my dm is very nice, but I do all those things for her too, and as she has dementia she forgets that I come every day, do her housework, wash her hair, take her shopping, take her to the doctors etc. etc. So when she says "Oh it's lovely to see you, it does get lonely", I have to bite my tongue to stop myself shouting "YOU SEE ME EVERY DAY!!!"
Every couple of weeks my db comes over (he lives an hour away and works long hours - I live v close and do just a few hours a week). I always think on that day, phew, I've got the day off, but inevitably something happens during the day before he arrives (like the TV ''won't work') and I end up going over anyway.

I think I know what you and I have to do: get a carer to come in maybe once a week and gradually build it up a bit. This is hard for me as my dm is very embarrassed about anyone else seeing her undressed or in need of help and is also shy of new people but I'll have to do it for my sanity. I guess your dm will be even harder to deal with but I think it's the only way to get a bit of your own life back and save your sanity and physical health.

Trouble is she is not yet at the stage of needing care as such...it's more a case of her having no Friends and no life now dad is gone
Even when she gets to that stage she will refuse any help.
No idea what we will do BUT I do have POA so I guess if needed I can force the issue.
It's odd really. My brother is the golden boy. My sister is incredibly selfish and always has been. I'm the one who sorts everything out. So on the one hand she isn't fond of me but on the other I'm the only one she trusts. Its Sad Tbh.

Yes it's also sad how many of our mum's relied totally on their husband or close family for entertainment which becomes a burden to the children eventually. I hope I'll be able to keep up interests and friends as lond as I'm physically able to spare my dc the guilt if they can't see me all the time.
My dm lives in a sheltered flat now where a manager organises various activities like quizzes and it's a lot better than before as, with a lot of coercion encouragement she now does a couple of things each week that don't involve me!

Zaza, I am looking forward to moving to sheltered accommodation with or without DH when I get older

Badders, "I think what really hurts is that sometimes we make plans and then she gets a better offer and I am dropped" - I think you are giving her too much of your time. Step back a bit and make plans with your own friends and family. Either she will manage, or accept that she needs more help and be more grateful or your siblings will have to step up. Don't let her treat you like a doormat

Sympathy to you both Zara and badders. My DM lives ip the road( moved 10 years ago and is now91) and does not go out except with me or the occasional visit from my brothers( golden of course) all else falls to me. Today she was due to have a hospital check up following a minor eye op which I had ferried her for( missing two lovely trips out with my dh and dd) which I could not cover as I was working( freelance) so she was very sniffy when I told her my daughter would accompany her. It's boundaries- and protecting ourselves. And prioritising our own needs. Hard to do but vital. I am getting better at telling her I am working- in reality off with a friend for coffee and cake😄. And finding cleaner/ Gardner etc to do stuff which does not involve me. Good luck.

Thank you
It's good to Moan to people who understand!

Thanks Sandwich. It often feels like I'm the only one in the world going through this (though I know really that's a million miles from the truth). My friends tend to have younger, active parents or they lives hundreds of miles away and another sibling (one of us!) takes care of them.

ZaZa, no one I know in RL who is near my age has frail parents. I find myself sympathising with people 20 years older about dementia and their parents - not quite the same when they are retired and their grandchildren are the same age as my son though!

Hope you don't mind me joining in - my DM is 83 with dementia and a variety of ailments. Life is very up and down - a few calm days then a week of problems.

I've had quite a bit of support from the Alzheimer's Support Worker in our area and there is a carer's support group that meets once a month - it's useful to talk to people in the same boat.

Care wise a carer comes in at lunchtime to make DM lunch and then I go round after work to make tea. My DP is great and goes a couple of times a week to give me a break. My DM was reluctant to have a carer but it has gone well and I'm hoping to add more calls in over the next few weeks to give her meds etc.

CMOTDibbler I hear where you are coming from - I'm often the youngest in the support group (early 40's) and my DS is only 9!

Welcome ange to the club as CMOT says no one wants to be in! Building up more visits sounds like a great plan- I try to facilitate rather than do but it isn't easy. And it will never be enough. Sounds like you are doing an awful lot.

Thanks thesandwich. Recently I've been feeling run down, not sleeping well etc so I know I'm starting to flag. That's why I'm hoping to build up the calls.

You sound like you get most of the care too, and it's always important to protect ourselves a little.

Lots of new people! I would say that I am glad you have joined us, but....

Unmanned, I am another un-golden (base metal?) child.

Badders and Zaza. Don't feel guilty and set boundaries. It much easier said than done, but you need to do your best to carve out your own space. And I agree that sheltered has been a life saver. DM has been there three and a half years and it has been a life saver. Its been much easier to get carers into somewhere she does not guard as fiercely, someone else takes the phone calls first, and she has a community around her.

Ange, well done for recognising you are begining to flag. Alzheimers is a long road. The guess is that for me there will be seven more years.

My news. Well DC bought me a fitbit for my birthday. I can now tell when my heart rate spikes. Its probably just done so, as I got a fine for parking an "un-registered" car in the garage of one of the flats my mum owns. A garage that was practically empty. I worry about global warming, but there is always the chance that the whole block might slip into the sea and then I would not have to manage it.

My mum is really well, though a bit less mobile. I'm not sure whether it has been adding anti-depressants to her daily intake of pills, or the fact that the wonderful community dentist discovered an abscess that she may well have had for ages and has taken the tooth out. Either way she is brighter and happier, which makes it a bit easier. I would recommend asking the GP about anti-depressents if anyone thinks they may help.

Welcome to the club! Sorry that you have to be in it though.

I really don't envy those of you who have to do daily or even weekly visits/care. Although it was a very tricky time when DM went downhill before she moved into the nursing home and she is resentful of having to be there, at least I know she is safe and cared-for. I would be so rubbish at doing it, particularly as we have never really been that close - in fact she is much more demonstrative now than she ever was!

Welcome and condolences to all newcomers. Have to say I don't miss the daily visits/calls one bit.

My friend's sister has just been diagnosed so I've been thinking back to that stage to try and help. Unfortanetly past being able to get a LPA so her DH will need to go the deputyship route.

We're on an even a keel as can be in the circumstances. Her breast lump has broken through and there were concerns that it was smelling but apparently dressing it twice daily helping. She's eating normally again amazingly and apparently flashes of humour are there desire not saying much. She's completely unable to move her legs now and doesn't like people doing so.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum.
She is quite a cold woman, and idolises my lazy, selfish brother
(I am the oldest daughter of an Irish Catholic mother - I could do a PhD in guilt :))
My sister is also quite selfish and tends to limit her time with mum to taking her shopping - but only if she is going anyway - she wouldn't make a special trip!
I find it all very hard.
I was quite ill in Feb for a week - that awful virus everyone had - and I felt so guilty. My brother and sister didn't visit and I knew she was on her own.
Sigh
I suppose indeed I should keep trying for my dads sake - he would be so disappointed in my siblings
Gosh, that's hard to admit
She will no longer let me attend dr appts with her as I refuse to sit and listen to her lie - I tell the dr that she doesn't follow the GF diet and that she isn't walking or using her stick.
This makes me very popular as you can imagine
I really really hope that if I get old I don't make my dcs life hard - I hate to think I will turn into her

Hello. Does having an ancient (98) grandma count? My parents are brilliant but in their 70s & need their own lives while they're still healthy. My own children range from 6 to adult... Every time I go to see grandma (she's in a nursing home) I feel guilty for not going more, even though I go at least once a week. She is only interested in talking about how ill she feels, which is very draining. No dementia, although I'm sure she is chronically depressed.

Ancient Grandma definitely count. Guilt is something I think we can all relate too. Badders you can join the SSC (shit sibling club)

do I get a badge? 😀

Thanks for warm welcome everyone - had a difficult night last night. went round and mum was in good form, ate well and I stayed about an hour. Later she rang me after 10pm claiming she could see people in her apartment (she's in sheltered housing non-resident warden). Last week she was ill but is much better now and all her tests are back clear so no UTI etc.
I'm going to try to get hold of Dementia support worker today - has anyone else had experience of delusions/imaginary beliefs? I'm worried it is the dementia getting worse.

Ange, my mum doesn't have them, but hallucinations are common in some types of dementia - do you know what type she has?. Does your mum have sight loss? This can add to the problem as well as the brain can try and fill in the blanks but gets carried away

Badders - no badge, but you can tell the club members by their response when people talk about having siblings to 'share the burden' of caring for parents.