Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

x post Querky. I hope your dad is staying comfortable, and ita great you are able to talk to him

BTM I too have the unenviable task of clearing the house where DM & DF lived for over 50 years and never threw anything away
We made a start last weekend with clothes and food and bought all the photos back here to go through with DBs at a later date. My parents didn't really have many items of monetary value but some things seem too good to send to the charity shop. It's hard when you feel you are throwing their life away - even though some of the stuff doesn't mean much to me, it clearly did to them.

It's so hard when they say that BTM plus going through the house is tough emotionally too.. I tried to distract and move on as best I could and the phase did pass.

Huge sympathies to everyone on the house clearing front. Although it was two years ago I still have a lot of stuff in my garage as she was a hoarder. There's been a bit of a financial crisis recently as Thailand working out more expensive than the 5k a month uk bills as all medical care needs paying so I've started putting things on EBay. Well I've done one and have a list, had a bit of a mental block about starting.

My another has gone from hardly eating and sleeping most of the time to waking at 7, shower then up to clubhouse for breakfast and lunch, back to room for two hour nap then back up for tea, drool after tea to watch TV and bed at nine and the other day was described as 'quite perky'. So t think she's going to do what MIL and FIL did and have long drawn out deaths. Still haven't recovered from last summer and FIL and feel we're back to being in limbo.

On a good news front I bit the bullet and mentioned to Dad about sorting his spare room for me to start staying up there as he is 80 next year and I think there will come a time when it's hard for him and his partner to get down here, not that I said that. My nan died in the spare room so I wasn't keen but asked anyway. His lovely Parker has offered her spare room which is just round the corner and I feel much happier with that. DD is going abroad in September so I'll only have DS to worry about and can sneak off occasionally .Dad's partner is already planning towels and what to give me for breakfast, I'm really touched as my Mother never bothered with things like that.

Querky fingers crossed for a peaceful time for your dad. And that's a good phrase - will remember it.

BBB, sympathies. That's the hard thing, isn't it? Lots of stuff kept for 50+ years and stuff that seems too good to throw out

SugarPlum, glad your mum is enjoying life, but what a roller coaster for you. And the ££££ worries. How lovely that your dad's partner wants to look after you though. And v good of you to be planning to go and look after him.

Thanks all for the reassurance that 'this too will pass' It is just so like having a small child, but in reverse, isn't it?
Up early to sort more stuff and get to the tip before the EA comes round to do a valuation. At least DH is here now to help.

Hope the EA goes ok today and glad your DH there to help. I found it emotionally challenging doing the house, going back through someone's entire life and it can really hit you that you've entered another phase. Everyone housecleaning please be very kind to yourselves

I don't think she's particularly enjoying life as not much of her left. She makes noises of recognition when Brother goes in but when he asks how she is she is trying to respond but can't. There are moments of lucidity by the sound of it but she is now where I never wanted her to be , lost in the valley of dementia a lot of the time. But I guess given that it's not too bad a situation for her with the care she gets and the carers are very fond of her.

Although my Brother won't hear of iI've worked out if it came to the crunch he'll have to rent a house or flat and employ carers directly so that the care fits into her monthly income. Felt a bit better once I'd worked this out as have had a very difficult time with my brother and money recently . Apparently he would rather sell his soul than move her but I think it's pickled from too much booze and there might be no takers so prefer to have a feasible plan B. Getting the info as to up front costs of renting and bills etc out of him was harder than getting blood out of a stone .

Gosh SugarPlum, it sounds like you are having to manage your mother's care from thousands of miles away - very tough I know what you mean about the valley of dementia - most of the residents in DMs Nursing home are like this.

Surely this country could work out a better plan re End of Life, as in people being able to choose euthanasia. I know that's what DM wants and it's what I would want.

I'm trying to mange someone who is unmanageable and when I tried in the past, reported me to SS for financial abuse so I think it was always going to go pear shaped. In his own words he is a 'master of manipulation'. I have learned to not fill the expectant gaps left in conversations and retreat which is all I can do.

So hard with the euthanasia thing. I do feel like that in a lot of ways and have said I would chose it but CMOT saying at what stage you'd opt to do it and with the nature of some people I can see it being abused which frightens me. But without doubt my dog will never get to the stage we're at with my Mother now.

Hi SPT sorry to hear the stress never really goes away. It does sound like your brother is not realistic about stuff and then goes on the defensive when it doesn't work out. Some things can only be endured, while you protect yourself as much as possible and keep believing it will end one day (it will). I know what you mean about her being in a place you never wanted her to be. Dad is there now, it's dubious whether he recognises me, he wears a permanently baffled expression and just drifts though the day, following the home's routine hour after hour.
re clearing out, I have booked 2 days out and will hire a vehicle later in the month to continue the job of decluttering his house (where bro now lives alone). I'd love to get a house clearance company onto it, but bro would freak as he shares Dad's hoarding tendencies. Thinking of you, I hope the stress doesn't get too bad, do look after yourself.

Oh Bob, your house clearing sounds infinitely worse than mine

DH is on his second trip of the day to the tip. We have also done 2 trips to charity shops - full car loads (and we have a mum - van!) each time. Seems never-ending, but we have cleared masses of stuff (and have a car - load to take home!)

Thanks Bob. I'd come to the same conclusion about endurance so try really hard to keep calm and not react. So sorry your Dad in the same place too - it really is a 'journey' and all the other cliches too.

How have you been feeling ? The house clearing around your Brother sounds very hard.

I feel a bit if a fraud as I paid a friend to do most of my Mothers as she'd done another friend's Dad's. It still left lots to go through though.

BTM sounds as if you have done amazingly well today ! I've only one one tip load this morning and am now having a cuppa whilst DS and DD's boyfriend work out how to get the pressure washer going, slacker that I am. Unfortunately DS just came to tell me it is now working. So end of my sit down.

Surely they could do the job too? DS would is always very happy to pressure wash. I have yo admit liking the job too!

BTM sounds like you are having a really productive time. I find decluttering really satisfying!
SPT I'm going round on Saturday then bro and I will visit Dad together. I brace myself every time I approach the house. Bro is only semi housetrained. He just drops stuff on the floor when he's finished with it (books, clothes, cans of coke etc). Makes me realise parents did not do the necessary training with him. Admittedly it was all a lot harder with him once mental illness kicked in when he was about 15. Who knows how I'd cope if one of my kids got mental illness(fear no 1, worse than fear of dementia). Still with time I have been able to make improvements. Most rooms are at least possible to enter and move around in.
SPT: gogd to hear you are enlisting help around you. You are not a slacker!

Reading all your house clearing stories is making me shudder. I started clearing out dm's large, full or hoarded treasure, house now under the guise of "spring cleaning". I try not to let her keep too much, particularly with clothes, shoes and handbags of which she has many (mostly unused, bnwt). She was balking at me trying to get rid of unworn shoes which are now far too small for her swollen feet. I know I need to do some ebaying, but can't quite find the time. I have now got her cleaner to do 2 days a week which is helping keep on top of the day to day and hopefully eventually with the purge. I just know that it will be harder to do when she is gone, if that makes sense. I felt a bit mean, but when I discovered food in the larder dating back to 1996, I knew I had done the right thing!

Mum still having a good week, which is a relief as the kids are on Easter Holidays so they are visiting a "looking less peaky" grandma. Our good week nearly turned bad though, when the GP went on holiday without putting some of her medication on repeat prescription. Several calls to the surgery, pharmacy, back to the surgery again, I think I have now got it sorted but may need them to give me something to keep my blood pressure down.

Bob, I find decluttering satisfying too, but this is rather a lot in one go. However, it sounds nowhere near as hard work as yours.

Tarrarra, clearing now is a good plan! My DM was way too resistant unfortunately.

We weren't able to see/take DM out for lunch today as she has gone down with the virus - really crap timing. But at least we have cracked on with clearing the house. I doubt we'll be able to see her tomorrow, and we were planning to take in her reclining chair...

My mum used to buy clothes every week practically. She never threw anything away. When she went into the home it took me weeks to clear her clothes. Then I found about 10 coats in another wardrobe. They are still there 5 years later with about 30 pairs of shoes.

With stepdad's problems I went to find some clean things to take to him in hospital. Discovered enough linen upstairs to start my own shop. I think because she had nothing as a child, my mum could not stop buying.

Unthinkingly, I binned step-dads smelly clothes when I left the hospital, only to discover now, that the house keys were in his trouser pocket. I went to the house to give it a clean but the Chubb lock was on. Kindly neighbour had locked the house after he went. I only have the Yale key. Back to the hospital, no keys, then back to the house to get spares from the neighbour so that I can get one cut. Our local taxi drivers will be able to retire soon.

Oh no! How frustrating.

My DM made most of her (and mine as a child - I longed for shop-bought even though she was a good dresmaker) clothes, in her own quite eccentric styles using unusual fabric. I'm not sure who else would want them, but I did take loads to the charity shop as well as the dump.

Querky I can do identify with that. Buying anything that is a " bargain" regardless of need and hoarding of everything. I don't tell everyone, but I am still using up the EU panty liner mountain that my mum had amassed !

It definitely reflects growing up poor and war / post war shortages when if you wanted a jam jar you had to have kept one. I've kept a tobacco tin of dads that had his old crayons in. Tobacco tubs were a big thing in my childhood.

im a bit shaken by the speed and simplicity doing dads stuff has been. He had so very little in the home :( but it wouldn't have made him any happier to have more things.

Helen and to all facing the challenges of sorting houses.

Oh Querkyjo, nightmare with the key

Tarrarra, great she'll let you 'Spring clean', you're lucky with that. Lovely she's having a good week.

BTM sorry she's gone down with the virus. It sounds like you're making great progress with the house though. I did have some help with the pressure washing to start with then they quietly vanished. Looks much better though, I am determined to actually use the deck this year so making it look like somewhere I'd want to go rather than green and slimy !

Bob you've hit the nail on the head with the endurance thing and I'd come to the same conclusion.

Helen I hope you're as OK as you can be. My Mother had hardly anything with her now, not even her beloved cabinet as it hasn't been shipped over.

It was definitely the war re hoarding in my Mother's case. The only reason it wasn't call environmental health type bad was because her sister's house was like that and she was a bit aware so tried to not let it get like that. Her garage was literally stuffed to the rafters and up to the door.

One of the things I do look back on and smile at is the first viewing for her house. I didn't have the key for the conservatory so had to get locksmith in. He got me in there 30mins before the viewing and I ran round like a headless chicken getting everything out into the tiny space remaining at front of garage, utilising the last few nooks and crannies. Last item in was the upright Hoover, which I managed to squeeze in. Stood back to shut the garage door and it lurched forward . Goodness knows what the neighbour's thought had happened as I emitted a loud 'noooooooo'

After the house clearance I could never see her in the same light again as I knew what a liar she is as it was all there in black and white in plastic boxes and I realised she'd lied to me my whole life about my Dad and Aunt.

My step-dad died over the weekend in hospital. I can't really be sad, because since my mum died in October, he has said that he wanted to be with her. He married her was he was 47 and she 55. He was a single man and he described her as the love of his life. He was so good to her.

When I was with him at the hospital, I kept thinking how the worst possible outcome would be for him to recover, but be unable to return to the home they shared for 40 years.

I want to say thank you to everyone on here who has helped me through 8 long years of dealing with both of them. On a practical note, he had a brand new mobility scooter, a stair lift and a bath hoist. Does any one know of any charities that woul be able to use them.

Oh querky I am so sorry for your loss. you must feel exhausted. Please take time to be kind to yourself.
Charities- do you have a local hospice that offers hospice at home? Or charity run care home? Is there a charity your step dad supported- they may well be able to use/ sell them. But take your time. (((((())))))

Querky, many commiserations. It should be comforting to know that he has got what he wanted, and that you were able to support him in the way your mother would have wanted.

I'm so sorry to hear that QuerkyJo I hope his passing was peaceful.

We donated my grandparents scooters to the OT department at the local community hospital, and they were delighted to have some to be able to loan out. I'm not sure on the stairlift, but the Red Cross loan people might be glad of the bath hoist?

Querky, sorry to hear of your loss but glad to hear that he didn't linger/have to go back to the home he had shared with your mum.

Sorry for your loss QuirkyJo.